I have been taking care of my father for the past 6 years, and throughout this time he has let himself go, as he will not try anything to keep healthy. My father has always been verbally abusive, but because I care I had him move in with me. When he moved in and his health went worse, the stress got to me and my epilepsy came back around the same time. I am the only one of us 4 siblings that is not married and have no kids, and can't. My father has ruined some of my relationships because he is lazy and mouthy. It has now come to the point that I am seeing a psychotherapist every 1 to 2 weeks and a psychiatrist once a month.
My epileptologist has threatened to write an order telling me to move out, as they have said stress is my biggest cause, and that my seizures are getting worse and killing me, literally. I have begged for help, even just for them to come up with 100 dollars a month for me to hire a housekeeper 2 hours a week for a break.
I make less than 1/3 of each of their income yet I am the one paying for all of this, and my income is only SSDI. I have no idea what to do now, as I have also had to sell everything of mine to keep up with bills. My siblings always make excuses as to why they never come visit or they can't help. I know my father is mad at them too as he has had me set up a new will, trust, DPOA and so now when he passes, as I am the executor, I have to tell them it explicitly states they are to receive nothing and it all goes to me. I hate seeing my family like this and wish I knew what to do.
But the financial burden is the small part of the problem, I would guess.
Why does your family have to understand that caregiving is killing you? Why is it your job to teach them? Your siblings are going to do whatever they are going to do. Why should that stop you from doing what you have to do?
Please take charge and do what you have to do. Do not abandon your father, however difficult he is, but transfer burden of daily care to professionals. Find a suitable long term care facility for him, and visit him often. Have breakfast with him on Wednesdays, and lunch on Mondays, and take him out to a movie or for a walk in his wheelchair on Fridays ... send him funny, cheery greeting cards. Continue to show your love. But not in your house, not 24/7, and not with your own money.
Sure you hate seeing your family like that -- who wouldn't? But their behavior is not your problem. If you don't know what to do, listen to your doctor and reduce the tremendous stress load you are under, before it kills you.
You are a fine daughter, and a worthy, unique individual. You deserve good care. Please take care of yourself!
I personally am not concerned about inheriting anything, I could care less what I were to get. Currently the reason that I get so stressed out is that after being diagnosed with adult ADHD and being treated for it, I have finally been trying to get back into the work force by opening my own accounting business from home as my disability does not pay enough to live on, besides I am now able to stay motivated most of the time and have been working on this for 6 months now. The trouble is that I am trying to tend to my epilepsy issues, take care of my father and run all of his errands along with mine, plus get my business going and try to locate funding for it.
This is extremely hard as I have no drivers license and have to walk, this is getting worse as I have a collapsed arch and a hairline fracture in the ball of my foot, that the ortho said was due to overuse.
My biggest issue is that my siblings make triple my income yet won't offer a thing, they don't even seem to be understanding of my own personal troubles as according to my doctors with my epilepsy being refractory, and being on a large number of medications, the statistics are that I may die from what is called SUDEP (sudden unexplained death from epilepsy).
What I am trying to do now is get him to write up a to do list so that I can do his errands on a saturday. I am telling him that since my business is officially started I have to spend the weekday hours towards work, as bookkeeping can be time consuming
What you explain as your current goal is commendable and sounds pretty straight-forward. You'll do his errands once a week, on Saturdays. You describe your Dad as lazy, mouthy, and abusive, but you haven't said that he is mentally incapacitated. So surely he can understand, "I'll do your errands on Saturday. Make me a list, please." And then do your errands on Saturday. If you have a list from him, do his. No list, no errands this week. What is the problem or question about this?
It sounds like you are really on the way to getting on your feet and to be independent. Great! Keep up working toward your goals. It appears as if you can't count on your siblings for help. You should certainly be able to count on your father to at least support himself. Your help to him should not put you in debt, if he has the means to pay is own way.
Please listen to your doctors and take care of your health, as you appear to be taking care of other aspects of your life.
And all the best luck to you!
He is not incapacitated at all, just stubborn and cares only about himself most of the time, expects me to be there at all times and be able to do multiple things at once. He gets mad if I leave without telling him where I go, if I get a phone call, he expects me to tell him who I am talking too and what about while I am on the phone. As far as the oil royalties, it is once a year, and he does put it to his donut hole for medicare.
The reason I am upset with my siblings is they have each lived with me for at least a year at one time or another, and I supported them entirely. Before my seizures came back I was making great money and so I was able to do that. When I have asked for money, it would total to be just 33 a month for each of them, and only to give me a 2 hour break a week to not have to worry so much. But even a phone call would be sufficient, just to see how he is doing. This is the other thing that worries me, that they do not have a good relationship with him. Even on Christmas, my sister stopped by, but only for 5 minutes, to pick up her gift and leave.
Now a better question might be, "Why do you put yourself in these positions where you are always giving and others are always taking?' You need to look inside yourself and ask why the need to be loved is worth more than your own health and potential happiness. I don't think you feel loved by those you have sacrificed for and that is the writing on the wall. Please take time to read it and weave into your being.
I give you great credit for trying to start your home business, but it won't help you if your brain is so scrambled from seizures that you can't think straight or if they cause your death.
Sweetheart, stop being the doormat for everyone else. Set some honest boundaries and make you the priority. I hope you understand that I am saying this with love and compassion. Nevertheless, you need to do for yourself what you do for everyone else.
And I absolutely agree that your sibs should return the favors you have shown them in your more prosperous times. Perhaps they are selfish. (Sounds like it.) Perhaps they see the money not for you but for your father and they want no part of that. Maybe you should ask again, being perfectly clear that you are asking for something for yourself. That might not make a difference, but it is worth a shot.
Who get the money from the farm rental?
But I'm confused again. If Dad is not incapacitated at all, and if you can leave him to do errands, why do you need someone to come in to give you a 2-hour break? Can he be left alone, or not?
As for what he expects, well, so what? You are an adult, and it sounds like a very capable, strong, and industrious adult. He expects to know who you talk to on the phone? Tough. "A friend," or "A prospective client for my business," should be enough to keep things friendly. He expects you there every minute? If it is not medically necessary that he have 24/7 care, then that is not a realistic expectation nor one you need to fulfill. You are his adult daughter, not an indentured servant. You have generously opened your home to your father. That doesn't give him the right to take over your life. So, he gets mad. Surely you've survived his anger many times over the years. Let it roll off of your back.
If this is how Dad treats you, the daughter who is generously looking after him, I think I might have a sense of why your siblings do not have a good relationship with him, nor want to spend more than 5 minutes with him at Christmas. Behaviors have consequences and it seems to me Dad may be reaping what he has sown. It is sad, and I know you ache to change that, but I don't think it is within your power.
You say your main issue is with your sibs. Indeed. There are many posters here with selfish siblings, who want what they can get, but will not be supportive in any way. I have one like that. You are the "care giver" in the family, and have been there for them. It is natural to expect that they will be there for you, but they are not. Sounds like dad is very self centered, even narcissistic, and your sibs are too. This is unlikely to change, and, as others have said, beating your head against that brick wall is only hurting you. I have found that I have more peace and protection accepting that is how it is. My mother and sister are narcissistic, and will use me to the extent that I allow it. I have had to put some serious boundaries in place, as my health was being affected. It sounds like you need to do more of that too. Living with an abusive person is very stressful and, in your case, could be lethal. I personally believe that no one should put up with abuse, and that anyone who is on the receiving end of abusive behaviour needs to make whatever changes they required for their own protection. Putting up boundaries like you are in terms of doing errands for dad on Saturdays is great. Just keep setting up whatever boundaries you need. If that includes finding other living arrangements for dad, so be it.
My main concern here is for you. What can you do to improve your situation, and decrease the stress which is killing you? Dealing with narcissistic self centered relatives is not easy. It was very kind of you to take dad in, from his point of view, but not kind to yourself at all.
I agree that Dad should be paying for his care - he has money coming in regularly. Your doctor is very concerned for your health, and how it is being affected by your situation.. Please discuss alternatives for your dad's care with your doctor, and possibly a counsellor/social worker, and how, in the meanwhile you can better protect yourself. I understand that you have a generous nature. Please apply that to yourself. I know it is hard when you have a "giving" personality, but I think you recognize that it is not working for you. There is no way I could ever live under the same roof as my mother. Her nastiness, and selfishness get to me far too much. She is well cared for in an ALF, even though she complains a lot, and still expects me to be at her beck and call. Typically, a narcissistic person has no concern for the health of others, and will continue to make demands of them, even though it is obvious to others that the caregiver is not well enough to meet these demands. You deserve better than that! Detaching, and distancing yourself emotionally from your siblings sounds like a necessary move. I know it isn't easy, BTDT, but it does help. Detaching from you dad and his needs, and looking at your own situation, and needs, and putting them first would seem to be a good move to. Again, I know it is not easy, but it is doable. BTDT, too. You can look after you, and dad's needs can be met too by a different arrangement. You say your sibs are your main issue, but if your doctor is saying you could die from the stress of having dad with you, i say that is your main issue.
We all want to be part of a warm caring family, where we can give, and other will give back to us, but not all families are like that. I had to grieve the loss of the family that I wanted, and was desperately trying to make function, and accept that my family is dysfunctional, that I have no control over them, but only over myself and my choices. It is my reality. It sounds like yours too.
Please come back and let us know how you are doing. It sounds like you have so much potential. If you dad ends up in another living arrangement, you still will have lots of opportunities to do things for him, but can limit that, and contact with him to what your health can tolerate.
more (((((((hugs))))) and prayers
Joan
The question you need to ask is what would happen to your dad and who would step up if something happened to you? (heart attack, stroke, hit by a bus, etc.)
The stress is still not worth it some days; and I also am looking into the very expensive care in an institution. But knowing I am not being taken advantage of financially and physically helps me to hang on, and at the same time giving her excellent care, which makes the situation much more tolerable. You need to be getting something out of this to feel good about caring for your father. I also have a ne're do well sister who did not visit my Mom, send a card, or make a phone call to her in 15 years, while living just down the street. She surfaced after learning my mother was declining, showed up uninvited at my mother's home, and all she talked about was she should get some of the money. My mother to this day does not know "who that woman was." I call it "divine intervention"; and she still asks me who that woman was. And, that is the reason I went to see the attorney; not to find out what I could get. but how to deal with my sister. The saints were lookiing over me when I made that appointment. I urge you to see an Elder Care Attorney in your area, and find out where to start, and what your rights are. At least then, you are taking care of yourself the best way you can, which will make you feel better and all the giving you are doing to your father.
(1) Why did you have your dad move in with you? Did that take place 6 years ago or more recently?
(2) Can you better explain the situation with the irrevocable trust. You say it was set up by other family members who I assume have passed away, ie great grandparents and grandparents. Does this trust ever terminate? Was your dad the beneficiary and did your dad decide to keep the properties in an updated irrevocable trust. Does it terminate when he passes and did he indicate how the assets would be disbursed?
(3) You mention that your dad does nothing to benefit his health, but is he ill and needing care? If so, what is wrong with him? Could he live just fine on his own?
(4) Does your dad receive Social Security? What is his income and why are you having to feel financially pressured with his care?
I realize that you feel your "biggest problem" is a lack of support and help from your siblings. I don't think that is your biggest problem. I think your biggest problem is your health. You can only control what happens to you. You can't control your dad or your sibs. You can't save them, you can only save yourself.
From a spiritual perspective, karma or whatever you want to call it; I think you have a lesson to learn here and that is you have to let go of being that person that saves everyone else. You have a responsibility to yourself. You are a gift from God and unique in that respect. To disrespect that gift is to disrespect God (or in whatever form you want to acknowledge that higher power) You are precious and deserving. Don't feel that your sibs and dad have to validate that. They don't. You still have a soul and you are still a child of God, no matter how they treat you. It is how you treat yourself that counts. Don't let people who are selfish, mean spirited and controlling crush the light of real love from your life.
Parents, who have the the nature to manipulate and be abusive feel they also have an ace in the hole with financial assets. For example, your dad is very intrusive in your life and he doesn't seem to be financially or emotionally supportive of you, yet he tells you that he will make you his DPOA and is leaving everything to you. That seems to me as a form of flattery, something that you can construe as love and appreciation. It's a tool to keep you tied to him. I believe you when you say you don't care about the inheritance, but that's not the tie that I am talking about. When he says these things to you, he is indicating that he has chosen you as his favorite. You are the one that has been there for him and you are deserving of his trust and favor. (I'm not referring to the irrevocable trust, but his personal trust.) That can be quite a wonderful feeling. A sense of approval from a distant and self absorbed father; the validation that you have always wanted. To push that away and say, "I'm sorry dad, but I can't live like this" is risking everything you have earned by sacrificing you life and your health.
You are seeing a therapist. I don't know if you can print my response, but if you can, take it to your therapist and ask for input. If what I say makes no sense in the reality of your life, then no harm done.
If you don't want to answer the questions I posed here, that's perfectly understandable and acceptable. I won't be offended in the least. You are buried in a pile of dysfunctional rubble. Go towards the light not the darkness.
I wish you all the best.
Your sibs understand. They just think you're getting what's coming to you for hogging their "entitlements." Besides, you're single and w/o children. If you weren't caring for your dad, how else are you going to quell those instinctual, caregiving desires most people assume women have? In a nutshell, you're perfect for the job; even if it kills you.
Have a talk with your father. Tell him you're sacrificing your worldly possessions and yourself to care for him, and that it's time he pulls his own weight or make other arrangements. He can take it out of what you're supposed to be "inheriting": more verbal abuse, relationships gone down the drain, friction with your sibs. He's a real peach. Nothing's changed except his age.
I'd present him with 2 choices: shape up or ship out. People like him have a nasty habit of surviving their children, and you almost have one foot in the grave.
Money wise - my father had some savings, and is still under the impression that he has every penny he ever had tucked away in the bank, however, as POA I decided that the money would be spent to pay for the care and the cost of me taking care of him. You do not have to tell your father what you are doing with the money - the main thing is that you are spending it to take care of him - there is no crime or guilt in that. Do not spend all your own money! I spent most of mine before I got wise and I regret that now, as when my father and his savings have gone it will be very hard for me to build up my funds again as I am not young - and he may live a lot longer and there will be nothing of his left. You may find a similar situation arising as your father does not sound as if he is at deaths door.
As to siblings, I also have a sister who has not contributed or cared for the last 20 years apart from the odd phone call to ask how things are. She looks after her own money and does not offer any help even although she knows the situation. Because of this I have made sure she knows there will be no 'inheritance' come the revolution and she has agreed that she doesn't expect it, so that takes away any resentment I feel towards her - perhaps you can do something similar with your relatives and that way at least you know that if you are doing the work and there ends up being any sort of inheritance, you can lay claim to it without feeling obliged to explain yourself to your relatives.
Do not let your Dad rule your life. I sympathise, as I too, allow my Dad to take over my emotions, but at some point you have to say "no, my Dad has chosen his path and does not take my feelings into account, but I can still have a life of my own, give him good care, but not allow him to dominate, and still be a better person than he is".
I hope it helps to know you are not alone with this, there are quite a number of us out there.
Take control and take care!
My situation financially is better than yours but it doesn't keep me from being upset with my sib. All I can say is you gotta take care of yourself to be able to continue care for your dad. It is not a selfish way of thinking..it is very healthy. As others have said who is going to take care of your dad when you can't!?
Will keep you in my prayers as this is a tough situation. I try to let go of my feelings toward my sib almost daily. Never calls me to ask how parents are really doing. Think he has his head stuck in the sand and doesn't want the truth of the situation. My hubs works away from home two weeks at a time..the stress both physical and mental is strong. If I need some time he takes care of parents then I feel guilty..never ending cycle.
You have to take care of your health..let go what you can emotionally ..
The best thing I ever did was go to a three day conference and have my in-laws care for my husband (who had dementia and was mildly incontinent). He fell in the night and they had to deal with getting him up, on the toilet, and then back to bed. After that, there was no question when I had to put him in assisted living.
These folks don't want to understand what you are going through. They are just glad it's you and not them. Resist being the martyr who dies before your dad. If all else fails, report yourself to your state's elder services department. When the state says things must change, they have the authority to make it happen. I know it's a lousy way to go. But it just might save your life and your sanity.
By moving in and giving up our lives, and in many cases our health and sanity, we're actually enabling our aging parents to get away with a lot of the crap they're dumping on us.
I want an answer to this and I don't have one. At least not an answer that doesn't involve an endless hissy-fit of blood, guts and feathers.
This is not a nice person or even one who wants to be nice. I know the Bible says we are to honor our father and our mother. However, it is NOT honoring them to let them destroy us. Since you moved in, you CAN move out. He will not die. He will not die because you will report him to your state's Adult Protective Services. They can deal with his nastiness and see that he is taken care of as well as he will allow.
You need to get your paper work in order. If you do not have any one of the list below, get it now (while he is hopefully still able to write his name).
1. A clear written diagnosis of his mental and physical condition: APS will hellp
you with this.
2. A durable power of attorney.
3. A durable power of attorney for health care (yes, they are different).
4. A preferred intensity of treatment document.
5. A will (if he will make one).
Once you have all of that (enlist others to help you complete the list), you are ready to think about placement. APS will tell you when, but you can be sure the time is coming when he will not be able to live alone. Do your homework so that he isn't pitched into the first available place with an immediate opening.
Or don't do your homework. He sounds like he deserves to be pitched into the first available place with bed room.
Then, I'm serious, take time for yourself. You will have done all anyone can do to take care of him. Make sure he does not drag you into the depths with him!!
Good luck.
I do have the authority to hire some help (which will be an additional poop-storm if I do), my immediate problem is getting the time to do it.
LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more
and
To let go and to let God, is to find peace !
Remember: The time to love is short
------ author unknown
His health deteriorates monthly. He eats and drinks what he wants and tells his doctor he is going to do whatever he wants. I have explained that his choices do not just affect him. They affect me too. I am newly married and my husband has accepted my dad and the arrangement. But he too, is frustrated because my father will not slow down. He is 88 and continues to try and practice law. We go round and round about him taking better care of himself so his quality of life will be better, but he won't listen.
He becomes very obstinate and defensive, thinking I am just "bossing him around". I have talked to many people about how to better take care of him and become more understanding. But I am at my end.... I use to exercise 5 days a week. I would be up at 5 am and go for a run. I have completely stopped that due to finding him on the floor too many times when I would get home. He would refuse to wait till I get home 45 minutes later before trying to get up. Sometimes his blood sugar would be as low at 50!
So, due to no exercise, I have gained 15 pounds and my blood pressure is 160/80. I am now on blood pressure medicine.
I was the caregiver when my mom was dying of cancer. We finally had to have someone come live with her the last few months of her life. But up to that point, I was it. This is one of the most hardest things to ever go through.
So now what? I work full time and so does my husband. Working out after work is out of the question.
Sometimes we are so close to a person and just assume it is stubbornness when it is something else. He's had a long live and it sounds like a happy one. If he passes, it's not such a bad thing. Good luck and best wishes.
It is very, very hard to see someone you love making poor decisions, or what you consider poor decisions. It can be quite freeing, though, to accept that some things -- such as other people's decisions -- are out of our control.
Your decisions about your life are under your control. Go back to running.