I have been taking care of my father for the past 6 years, and throughout this time he has let himself go, as he will not try anything to keep healthy. My father has always been verbally abusive, but because I care I had him move in with me. When he moved in and his health went worse, the stress got to me and my epilepsy came back around the same time. I am the only one of us 4 siblings that is not married and have no kids, and can't. My father has ruined some of my relationships because he is lazy and mouthy. It has now come to the point that I am seeing a psychotherapist every 1 to 2 weeks and a psychiatrist once a month.
My epileptologist has threatened to write an order telling me to move out, as they have said stress is my biggest cause, and that my seizures are getting worse and killing me, literally. I have begged for help, even just for them to come up with 100 dollars a month for me to hire a housekeeper 2 hours a week for a break.
I make less than 1/3 of each of their income yet I am the one paying for all of this, and my income is only SSDI. I have no idea what to do now, as I have also had to sell everything of mine to keep up with bills. My siblings always make excuses as to why they never come visit or they can't help. I know my father is mad at them too as he has had me set up a new will, trust, DPOA and so now when he passes, as I am the executor, I have to tell them it explicitly states they are to receive nothing and it all goes to me. I hate seeing my family like this and wish I knew what to do.
My mom is in a nursing home. She is on oxygen 24 hours a day. She has 3rd stage kidney disease, heart disease, diabetes, copd, and (sever depression), that she will not admit she has. She was recently diagnosed with asperation. She has lost 8 pounds in the last month.She can hardly eat anything. She is sedendary and refuses any exercise, and I mean any. Maybe her speech theropy should count, she will do this or a least for the last few days. She is very hard to deal with, tells everyone off and refuses to try, except for the speech theropy. She seems to not want to live. I need advice on how to help her. She hates the nursing home, but has hated every home she has been in, this is her 4th nursing home since last June. She went home for about 6 months, but has been in and out of the hospital and in nursing homes since the middle of January of this year. She thinks she knows everything, she use to be an elderly sitter when she was younger. I have worked hard to get her meds for depression, and anxiety. She refuses to take them, and at times refuses to take any of her meds. She has called me and my brothers to come to be with her because she is dying, and she says today, or tonite or whatever. She crys wolf so much you just don't know, what to do. Any suggestions or reference materials will be appreciated, so much. Thanks bunches, Andra
This is making you sick. You have got to have help and the only time your siblings are going to show up is when they think there is money that is going to be distributed. Contact your local Department of Human Services and get a social worker involved. There are services available in most communities and they will be able to put you in touch with them. If your dad is on Medicare, there is some home help available. We had a nursing aide come in for my grandmother for free 5 days a week and a registered nurse once a week.
I understand about the "crying wolf" - my mother has done this the past 30 years or so. Unfortunately, with this kind of behavior, you will never know when something is real or not; try not to worry about this if you can, as it is out of control. As is the refusal of medications. My mother does this all the time. She is in a nursing home for multiple health reasons and mental health issues.
What I have learned is we cannot control their behaviour or what they say. Take it one day at a time. My mother is also narcississtic. Our desire to make them happy is pointless. If they refuse medications, they will suffer the consequences. I, like you, tried for years to get my mother to take the required medications, but she would not. And often she refuses in the nursing home.
Take a step back, give yourself a break. I'm dealing with many of the same issues you are dealing with. I don't think there is any more you can do other than be there and just listen to her. They are very unhappy and sick people and no matter how we try, they won't change. Blessings to you and take care.
Take others advice here and have a sit down with dad and go over finances. Have a plan on what is reasonable and have him contribute expenses then tell him because of your health he will need to spend money on in home care a few hrs a wk or whatever you need. Give him ultimatum and tell him if he won't comply then he will have to go to asst living. Then act on it and immediately hire care and have him sign the contract for care.
Also check with local senior services center, will he go there each day for their activities, lunch? This would give you break. Some places have adult daycare that might be economical option for you at least a few days a week.
Take care of your health and well being first and foremost, let go of the anger with sibs ... That ship has sailed, create a new life for you as much as possible and join a support group if you can for caregivers. They will be a tremendous resource for you as we'll as helping you sort thru feelings.
I have POA but unlike you I will not inherit everything that is left when my mother passes away, it will still be divided between the 3 of us if anything still exists. I am really having to think at this point about what I am going to do, I have been doing this for 4 relatives for over 10 years and I am at my wits end. I have no life but I want to change that, I have to change it.
I am considering paying someone to come and stay every once in a while and I think I need to have a sit down with my sisters and lay it out that I cannot and will not continue to do this. I too have epilepsy and panic and anxiety as well as other ailments but I cannot let this take my life away from me, I have a child who needs their mother and as much as I love my mother, my child will not lose me in the process.
We had to figure out a way to move and to a place we could afford. Unfortunately the house is a slum as the new landlord has not finished the add on they did so it is falling apart.
Now my fathers health took a turn for the worse, when we were pushed out of the other house in retaliation, he had a heart attack, he developed diabetic wounds on his foot recently and may be losing his foot.
I have given up on my siblings, and my father has professionals come every day to dress his wounds. I have his DPOA completed, but not his revocable trust.
As far as the Irrevocable trust, it terminates at the time that my father and his siblings are all deceased.
My father has a lot of costs due to meds not covered by medicare and a lot of doctors appointments, recently he has had to pay most of the bills too though I do all I can. I may be moving out, and he will also find a different place, but will be sure it will be very close to a lady he is very good friends with, or near me.
I have enlisted visiting help (aides, visiting MDs/nurses). Handle his meds. I cook and clean 4 him. FOR NO PAY. He cannot afford it. All of his benefits go towards HIS care. I too am at the end of my rope. My health (physical, mental and spiritual) are bad. HE IS A FULL TIME JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Yet he and my family say...find one. Ummm...huh?
I am very sorry to hear of your struggles. I know you have done a lot and you've now reached a critical point. Please consider talking to a social worker, family therapist or counsellor. Is it possible to move your uncle to an assisted living facility or nursing home?
I hope you can get some sort of respite. It is a lot for one person to be responsible for caring for an elderly person. Your uncle might have some dementia and maybe that is why he said these hurtful things.
I hope you can get more help and find a better balance. Thinking of you. Sending you hugs.