Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
Also if I ask him to take a shower 2 hours later he is still sitting there when I ask him if he wants help he just has a blank stare ! When my husband asks him he does it ! My husband says it because I'm his daughter and he does not respect me !
I'm not sure it is a lack of respect. We allow ourselves to be our worst selves with those we love and feel safest with. You are his daughter. He is expressing his depression at getting old and feeling useless and whatever else is going on at you.i am not sure you can change that. It's like a parent trying to teach their child - it jsut doesn't work. Make your requests and then leave him alone. Or let your husband make requests. My Dad is 93, I can ask him to do things but he is a grown man and I have to respect his choices even if I don't agree with them. It's not easy getting old, as I see it with he and my mother. If you can muster up some compassion both for him and yourself it will help. It's just not easy getting old and he is expressing that in the way he knows. Try talking to him about how hard it is.
The loud yawning may be an indication of a hearing difficulty. So rather than ignoring you, he may not hear you, but your husband's voice is in a range that's easier for him to hear. I find with my husband (who denies he has a hearing problem but has some of these same issues, including loud yawning) that if I face him when I talk to him, he hears more of what I say.
Unfortunately parents and children participate in a power struggle at the beginning and end of life. In the middle the children are on their own and so are the parents. When the balance shifts, it is really hard not to do the same thing to our parents they did to us, ordering, demanding, complaining, expecting obedience. Adult children need to reduce their expectations and let the parents be--except when their health or safety is at risk. You are lucky you have a husband who can make suggestions to your Dad. He will hear him without the emotional overlay. If you take your Dad's behavior personally, you will be more unhappy caring for him. Call your Area Agency on Aging for an assessment, volunteer hours for your respite and eventually, someone to come in to care for his personal needs which he feels unable to let you do for him.
Puthaknifeaway posted an insightful answer. I suggest you delve into your father's history. For example, did he respect his mother and obey her? Did he treat you respectfully as a child. When he was working, did he supervise women? Perhaps he is not used to being told what to do by a woman, let alone his daughter. One of my clients resisted her son giving her a shower. Her son asked someone who knew her as a child. He found out that his mother only took baths and was bathed by her mother. So they hired a bathing aid from a local agency and started bathing her in a bathtube. They also installed a small heater in the bathroom because the mother grew up in Nicaragua when it is in the 70s year round. Also ask your husband if he is willing to take over the task from you. By doing that, you get out of the struggle with your father. In closing, you might ask yourself if he needs a shower as often as your perceive? is there another way that you might clean him? One of my caregivers uses "no rinse body wipes." Search on Amazon for that term and you will find several product choices with four star ratings.
The person who does most of the caregiving gets the least respect it seems. The caregiver gets the anger and negativity while other family members and friends get the good stuff, the affection and stories and charm.
I cared for my dad too and I know that he struggled with me managing his care because he didn't see me as an adult, just like I don't see my daughter as an adult. She's 22 years old and I still tell her to make sure she's wearing a coat and not to talk to strangers.
If your dad responds better to your husband use that to your advantage! Don't let your dad treat you badly but know that you have a hired gun in those situations where your dad just won't budge (like when he won't take a shower). Ask your husband to step in. In your dad's eyes you may still be his little girl while your husband is a man. Is that a fair or accurate characterization? No, of course not, but that may be the way it is.
Not sure if I can add anything other than to find the easiest path. My Mom is 95 and I got so tired of battling with her about bathing. We had an incident with our local emergency room that was so frightening to me that I called the hospice company who had taken care of my Dad and asked if my Mom qualified for their services. She did and bathing issues as far as a few others - solved. I can let them handle it and after she got used to the individuals she has been very cooperative with their check-ups and the bathing. Took a huge load off of my shoulders and her medical insurance (medicare) covers all of it. Anyway - no battling on that front - my mother has always been a battler so I still have things we work on and I'm finding what I can do that helps her to cooperate with me and I respect that.
Mrsmurph: What is happening here and HAPPENS IN ALL CAREGIVING CASES, is that the caregiver gets treated the worst by the elder. And why? Because the caregiver is the one who has to say the elder "now take your meds, eat your food, take your bath/shower." So the carer is the proverbial "bad guy." In this case, your husband is outside force that your dad will listen to. Also, it helps that it's a male to male conversation.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Adult children need to reduce their expectations and let the parents be--except when their health or safety is at risk. You are lucky you have a husband who can make suggestions to your Dad. He will hear him without the emotional overlay.
If you take your Dad's behavior personally, you will be more unhappy caring for him. Call your Area Agency on Aging for an assessment, volunteer hours for your respite and eventually, someone to come in to care for his personal needs which he feels unable to let you do for him.
I suggest you delve into your father's history. For example, did he respect his mother and obey her? Did he treat you respectfully as a child. When he was working, did he supervise women? Perhaps he is not used to being told what to do by a woman, let alone his daughter. One of my clients resisted her son giving her a shower. Her son asked someone who knew her as a child. He found out that his mother only took baths and was bathed by her mother. So they hired a bathing aid from a local agency and started bathing her in a bathtube. They also installed a small heater in the bathroom because the mother grew up in Nicaragua when it is in the 70s year round.
Also ask your husband if he is willing to take over the task from you. By doing that, you get out of the struggle with your father.
In closing, you might ask yourself if he needs a shower as often as your perceive? is there another way that you might clean him? One of my caregivers uses "no rinse body wipes." Search on Amazon for that term and you will find several product choices with four star ratings.
I cared for my dad too and I know that he struggled with me managing his care because he didn't see me as an adult, just like I don't see my daughter as an adult. She's 22 years old and I still tell her to make sure she's wearing a coat and not to talk to strangers.
If your dad responds better to your husband use that to your advantage! Don't let your dad treat you badly but know that you have a hired gun in those situations where your dad just won't budge (like when he won't take a shower). Ask your husband to step in. In your dad's eyes you may still be his little girl while your husband is a man. Is that a fair or accurate characterization? No, of course not, but that may be the way it is.
See All Answers