My 17 year old son and I live with my 84 year old son. It's almost daily he accused my son of doing things to inconvenience him - using the car (I try not to let him drive anyway), watching TV late at night (my son is homeschooled, and often is studying on the computer late and Dad swears he's watching TV), and drinking milk/eating "his" jello or drinking "his" V8, and the latest - changing the thermostat to freeze Dad to death. He's done none of these - he has his own snacks, never messes with the thermostat and I never notice it being extremely cold in the house. He's even said my son was going to get the Black Panthers from the local high school to kill him. His doctor and I feel it's part of Sundowner's, but it's getting where Dad stays mad at me all day when I tell him no one is doing these things, then I feel frustrated and upset ....
My son has had three knee surgeries in the past year, the last one four days ago ... I'm wondering if this is some kind of jealousy thing.
Does anyone have any advice for how to make this easier on my nerves? I'm the only family member around here, and love having this time with Dad, but hate feeling like I have to choose between the two ...
I'm generally familiar with sundowning but my experience has been that it causes confusion and disorientation, not paranoia, although that might be an element of it of which I'm unaware.
What concerns me is whether your father could threaten your son since he's making these allegations for him. Has there been friction between them before? Is your son the only other male in the house? It might be that your father is jealous of your son because of his youth while your father is suffering from old age restriction.
I don't really have any good suggestions except to try to keep them apart, but that's not always realistic. I'm assuming that speaking directly with your father hasn't solved the problem? Do you work out of the house during the day, and your father is alone?
I just hate having Dad mad at me, and telling him I can't handle the constant friction just makes him angrier. My son pretty much stays in his room or at his girlfriend's, but that means I miss these last few months with him before he goes to college!
I guess I'll talk with the new CRNP that is seeing him now and see if he can check him out. I've long felt the guy he was seeing was going through the motions, and Dad finally agreed with me when he started having back pain. Two months of "I can send you to have tests run if you want, but ..." Instantly became "Let me get you to a specialist immediately" when I switched him :)!
Thanks for the help - it's nice to just talk it out!
I hope that your son understands that this is about his grandfather's illness, and not about himself. Even if he were guilty of the things his grandfather is accusing him of, that is for you to discuss with him, not his grandfather. How late the kid stays up is NONE OF GRANDFATHER'S business. You need to let your son know that you know this. But grandfather has a sad disease that doesn't always allow him to behave rationally. I think it is extremely important that your son knows that you know that the tension in the house is not your son's fault. Don't assume he knows it. Tell him! Often!
It sounds like you are going to miss out on the last few months before son goes to college. That is sad. But given the situation, that may be the best you can hope for. Just be sure he is not leaving alienated from you, over your father's disease. I hope that the two of you can remain close.
But what about when son comes home for semester breaks and holidays and summer? I hope that by then your dad will see him more as an adult (which you say helps relationships) and possibly be on some medications to mellow him out a bit.
You love having this time with Dad. You hate having Dad mad at you. Both of those feelings are understandable. But your primary responsibility at this point is to your son, don't you think?
Don't count on a dementia person to suddenly change. (and treat your son better) It will only get more intense with out medication. You may find that as dementia progresses, without your son to pick on, he will turn on you as well. Your idea of getting help from a new doctor is a great one. Best of luck to you.
I would be concerned that dad would act out on his paranoia. This really isn't a good situation. I think you may have your priorities messed up.
I'm going to talk with the nurse practitioner and see what he recommends - maybe we can get something going to help all of us. And, yes, I do have friends who offer to stay with him some, so that might be an option (just not sure I want to subject them to his moods :)!! )