My father is getting really mean and verbally abusive. What should I do?

Paranoia is often an early symptom of dementia.

I think one of the important things to remember here is that this not personal. It's a disease talking.

Have you ever watched any Teepa Snow videos? She's an awesome professional who specializes in training folks who are caregivers to dementia .

Sadandlost, your father sounds like he has a schizoid paranoid personality. These personalities are your archetype hermits. I don't think they bond well with much of anyone. And stingy! Goodness, yes. They will pinch a penny until it squeals. You won't be able to do much about his personality, since he's lived a long time with it. You can only decide how you can help him. I wish you could get him to spend some of his money on the things he needs. You're probably covering way too many of his expenses. Maybe he'll let go of some of it for landscaping if he is able to negotiate the price. A lot of older people still think it should cost $10-20 like it did when they were young.

Anyway... it's not you, and I doubt you'll be able to change him. I don't know any drugs that would be useful if it is his personality. The only thing I can suggest is to decide how much you can do and not to overextend yourself. I bet he loves free labor. :) If it gets too bad, talk to the county about sending in a social worker to evaluate any needs he might have. Good luck!

First of all: he lives along by preference, so he is isolated, which comforts him somewhat. Secondly, he is 86 and still able to drive. He likes his independence, even if it is for an hour or two at a time a day or for the week, so he is willing to be stubborn, to anyone, which he will defend to the point of any outburst of anger as long as he is convinced he was won the argument, even if he really won 25% of the argument. Or he may have brought up a new issue that he could win which dismissed the point you brought up.

Thirdly, he refuses to see doctors, moreover likely specialists. You said you go to visits with him; that is good; keep doing that! A primary doctor will refer him to a specialist or change dosages to medications, if he deems him a fall risk, in order to reduce his falls from being catastrophic, but the doctor needs to "know" that he has fallen or has cognitive issues, in order to take action. The doctor needs to see a trend of either or both to recommend change, I think. Fourth, he sleeps all day, and stays awake all night. This means his schedule is completely opposite of what any caregiver living with him could manage, I think. Impossible to manage if not living with him 24x7. Changing that schedule is tough to do once it is in place, because it appears that is his current lifestyle that he sees comforting in the past or the present.

Fifth, I think most doctors who treat 80+ year olds know that making too many drastic changes has more of an impact versus keeping them the same, due to lifestyle habits are beneficial, unless routine lab or at the actual visits the doctor readily sees something is wrong. If the doctor is not aware of what actually is going on, then that doctor is on the on the fence as to what he would recommend. Smart patients with a potential disease are smart enough to hide the problems, as in the case of any type dementia. Dementia. Review the "types of dementia" and perhaps you can narrow it down a bit . 6th point: dental hygiene reducing: start with cleaning and xrays at least twice a year; showering less: that is normal, unless he showers at night when he is awake. Showering daily will only occur with full-time caregiving in the home or at a facility, I think. Last point: lawn maintenance: this happens all the time even with multiple kids sharing the load or hiring a person. I think a lot of advisers will tell you if it is his idea, then he likely will be more agreeable. If the house is in good shape, and it is just the lawn maintenance, then figure it out. Since you are only child, you must focus on the health concerns, but I can see it: large lawn, twice the problem of an 5,000 sq. ft lawn that needs weekly maintenance in summer. That is tricky to handle and changes every season of the year.

In summary, increasing follow-up visits to 3/6 month visits instead of once a year should help doctor and you. It can give the doctor a better idea of what changes to make or not, based on health status, but if the doctor thinks he is normal as he was the last visit, then it's wait until the next visit to see if medical care needs to change. Due to privacy laws, patient-doctor confidentiality, you can possibly discuss some concerns with the doctor's clinical/medical assistant who will know what to share to doctor about medical issues: stick to the medical issues only. Doctors are responsible for the patient, not the lawn or house issues, for example. They only have 15-30 minutes to recommend a change, so come prepared, and I don't think you will get a doctor to make a change while you are in the room, unless you have legal authority to do so. One issue that may be worth discussing is: driving. Some 80+ year olds can do it, others cannot when they are mentally or physically unable or have enough medical issues, i.e. heart-related, multiple visits to hospital in last year where a doctor will restrict the driving in order to protect his patient and others are on the road.

Just feedback and hopefully your next approach will work. Good luck!

Hi SadandLost, what was his character like all the years you've known him? We hoped my father would "mellow" with age but it seems like age and illness has exaggerated his quite unpleasant character. My fatherinlaw and uncle had Alzheimer's for many years, they were both very pleasant men and in their illness they were also pleasant, I suppose everyone is affected differently though. My father has all but alienated his small family. 3 weeks ago he yelled me out the house in total fury after spending 3 hours doing his garden cos something I did he didn't like, something totally minor & which he had given me permission to do! Me & kids have been sorting his overgrown garden for a year now, suddenly he'll do it himself or get someone else in. We visited him yesterday & I got the silent treatment - totally expected cos that's happened throughout my life. Doing my research he is a classic narcissist parent. His illness is CHF with diabetes. & for the last 30 years it has all been about him & his health. My kids have never known their grandad in good health.

Are you his only heir. You say he is "quite wealthy," and that you are a widow on a fixed income. You say you don't care about his money, but don't you want to inherit his money?

Do you know if you ARE his heir for everything?

You shouldn't be spending your own money on him (paying your grandson for mowing his lawn, building a garage on his property, etc.). If he doesn't mow or get his lawn mowed, then (at least where I am), he will be cited for a code violation and the city will mow the lawn (and it's not cheap). Why not just let that happen?

Yes, he has mental illness issues, but these are not yours to solve. Make sure his doctors are aware.

Thanks for the details.

So, it sounds as though your dad is mentally ill in some significant way. You're probably right that this may be service-related in some way, but if your dad is competent, there is not a lot you can do if he chooses not to get help.

It sounds as though you are sad that he is not more generous, both in terms of money and affection.

I always go with him to the Doctor to make sure he goes. I can't talk to the Doctor in private because he'll be suspicious, thinking there may be something wrong with him that we are not telling. I try to keep him comfortable as possible and not feed into his suspicions.

I'm so glad you go to the doctor with him
I was misinterpreting something you said about him not wanting to be involved with doctors.

You can say to the doctor "I'm concerned about my dad's angry outbursts lately." Or you could contact the doctor via letter or fax and explain what your concerns .

This is so sad. It reminds me of my FIL. He has become quite verbally abusive. He blew through all his money, never took care of his health and now sits in a nursing home screaming orders at the staff. The social worker called me last week to tell me he scared her to death that day. He had called me earlier just to cus me out for the reason being that no one else answered their phone. He has lived his whole life for himself indulging his every whim and now he come to the end of himself and instead of looking at his own responsiblity in his situation blames everyone else. Bitterness is an awful way to end a life.

Sadandlost, I'm smiling. I probably do need help, too. But I am not at all envious of your VN war veteran father. I would hate to live life being ugly, bitter, hateful, and/or angry. But the independence, seeing only who he wants to see on his own terms, being able to lock his door, drive, eat what he wants, and sleep when he wants would surely appeal to a lot of folks locked into the orderly routine and lack of privacy in a care facility. And instead of being bitter about it, they would probably be cheerful.

He needs help paying bills. Does he let you help with that?

He needs help maintaining his lawn. You have stepped in and you pay to have it done. What would happen if you didn't do that? If he lives in a neighborhood he would eventually be notified that he must keep his lawn free of noxious weeds and no taller than x". He would either conform or face consequences, right? And if he lives somewhere in the outback with no neighbors to complain, I suppose he'd be providing a nice habitat for all kinds of critters. Does he want your help maintaining his lawn? I imagine that he is very angry that he can't do it himself any more, and not at all gracious about accepting that kind of help.

What other kind of help does he need, in your opinion? Shopping? Cooking? Cleaning?

You are at a loss at how to help him. What is it you want to help him with? Being more pleasant? Not having outbursts of anger? Being more appreciative? To the extent that this might be based on a medical problem, I think all you can do is try to bring it to the attention of medical professionals. I hope that brings some good results.