My father went into assisted living six weeks ago and what a difference! He actually likes the place. All his needs are cared for by caring competent health aides and he has made new friends. He goes swimming twice a week!
This has taken a lot of stress off me and my brother but my brother is still treating me badly. Let me give you a short history. Years ago my brother got sick across the country while travelling. The doctors did not know what was wrong. My father dropped everything and went out there and took care of my brother for two months at his expense. I put my plans on hold and took care of my father's house and his affairs when he was away. We both did this out of love for my brother. My brother got well and went on to marry a wealthy young woman. They give millions to charity every year and everyone in the community think very highly of them.
My father's house will be sold on May 1. Two weeks ago I told my brother that I would be taking the things I want from my father's house within the next two weeks. Everything needs to be out by May 1 when the house is sold. He says ok. Late last week I tell my brother I'm not feeling well and I need a few more days before I get over to my father's house. This weekend my brother calls me and tells me I need to get the things I want from my father's house out today or else it's all going in the trash. I tell him that I can't right now because I am having some serious stomach issues and I plan on going to the emergency center shortly and can it wait another day or two? He totally discounts my health issue, implies that I'm lying and says "That's it. I've given you enough time. It's going in the trash now" and then hangs up on me!
I'm feeling a little better now but not normal. I have the opportunity to move far away right now. Should I move and get away from this bad situation?
Lisa moved there and it has been nothing but battling the brother since then.
I feel very sorry for the brother. I would bet anything, after reading Lisa's posts to us for a long long long time that it is the BROTHER here who is being abused. Not Lisa.
For how long have we been saying "YES, please move away".
And last you wrote did you not tell us that indeed you WERE moving away?
WHY or why oh why would you expect your brother to like you any better than he has liked you all this time?
PLEASE EVERYONE
Read Lisa long long history here on the Forum.
Relatives are great until they aren't--and the emotions and drama that comes bubbling to the surface when family dynamics change cast a pall over what SHOULD be a positive, cleansing experience.
Does your brother have PoA? If so, you're kind of sunk without that 'authority'. He can move, clean, whatever, acc to his design and leave you 'voiceless'. If he is NOT PoA, and you are, then what YOU say, goes. Esp with dad being cognizant of what's going on.
What your brother is doing is pre-grieving dad's death. A lot of people have the idea to completely and quickly clear out a house when someone has made the move to a NH or whatever--and they want to get the home clean and empty and sold.
You've given him a really big timeline in which to act. I'd appeal to his heart and tell him YOU need the time right now.
If he is unwilling to be a little bit flexible--what are you planning to do? Do you have people on 'your side' and you can get things out of dad's house?
My YB went ballistic after mom died (in her apartment attached to his house). He stayed up for 3 straight days and cleaned her hoarded out apartment and when we went up there as siblings to go through her stuff--it was all gone.
He thought he was doing a great thing--and it turned out badly. I don't think my YS will ever speak to him again.
He WAS PoA for mom, but once she'd died, my OTHER YB was the executor and he was the one in 'charge'.
Luckily, we got through it, but there are hurt feelings and actual anger--which mom DID NOT want.
Talk to dad and have him talk to brother. Your dad must have feelings about having his old home dissembled and I bet he has stuff he'd like to see other people have. It sounds like your dad has enough cognition to make these decisions and he doesn't NEED YB in the mix.
IS YB generally mean to you? Dismissive of your feelings? I feel for you, you really cannot fight someone like that.
Lisa has a long long history here. She has always mixed it up with brother. She fought against this placement of Dad quite hard.
It is nice to hear Dad is thriving, but he kind of always was cared for. I think that her brother is WAY over things now. They have been the ones caring for Dad for some time.
From your posts he sounds like a very abrasive and angry person.
If the stuff doesnt have to get moved out until may 1st then whats the rush?
I hope you are feeling better and your brother didnt really throw the stuff away.
I think you should live where you want and where you will be happy. It doesnt sound like living near brother and dad is going to do that for you.
My brother wants to get it all over asap and no longer wants to deal with it. He has the POA and he has been working several hours a day for weeks taking care of all kinds of things related to my father's affairs. I get it. When I told him that I fully understand and sympathize with what he has been dealing with that didn't matter to him at all; just like my health didn't. He just wants what he wants. I also understand that he thought everything would be out last weekend and that didn't happen. I think our relationship is finally over this time. Thank you for your caring reply.
I am glad to hear that your dad is doing well.
Of course you should move to wherever your heart desires.
I do hope that one day you and he can get along but if that isn’t in the cards, move ahead with living your own life. Don’t be bitter. Let it go and enjoy your life.
She did at one time cared for Dad
Dad chose to live near brother and brother finacially supported Dad by paying for his caregivers
Dad and son had agreed Dad would go into an AL ages back.
Lisa didn't want Dad in an AL, left where she was living to care for Dad and has complained since. She is looking for something from Dad and brother she will never get. Dad and brother do not respect her. Dad only listens to brother.
Take that opportunity Lisa and MOVE AWAY! The relationship
you want from your Dad and Brother will never happen. If I remember correctly, thats exactly what you said when you finally excepted that Dad was going into an AL, that when he is settled you can move away. Let Dad and brother have a break. You need it to.
What was hard for me to accept, give how "educated" and "smart" my brother and family is that I actually became a scapegoat for my father not going into assisted living years prior! I always thought scapegoating among families was a rare phenomena. It isn't!
You know what else is common? "Projection". That is someone assigning their negative qualities to another person. I can't believe my family did this. I thought it was something only to read in the psychology textbooks and practiced by abnormal people.
Yes. for ten years! I also gave up much of adult life for my family and was there for each and everyone of them. I never expected them to reciprocate but being abusive to me in various ways is completely dishonorable and something I no longer will accept.
Many people here believe you are a troll who only comes to this group to get a laugh.
I believe you probably are, but today I'm feeling charitable and am going to give you the benefit of the doubt.
You have a long history here and have received scores of excellent and practical advice from the people in this group, myself included.
You have complained about how abusive your father and brother are to you in every way a person can be abused.
Now your father is in AL and you're free, except you're still sitting on the pity pot and whining about how mean your brother is.
If your father's house gets sold on May 1st, then that means any of the contents within the house become the property of the new owner.
So it's either you get in there and take what you want ot you don't.
Stop complaining and go get what you want out of the house while you're still able to.
No, you don't feel well. Work through it. People who actually have to be responsible for themselves and their lives still get on with their jobs. their kids, their education, and take care of business even when they don't feel good.
I don't feel good. In fact today, I woke up with a migraine.
I'm still at work though.
Good luck.
Right now I do not know if anything is still in the house and maybe never will.
Win, Win!
It's a very boring and tedious story.
It is terribly sad that your family doesn’t get along the way a family should. I wish that it would have been resolved by now. I am sorry that nothing has changed in your family. It may never change.
There is nothing that you can do to change this. You can however; change how you live your life.
Don’t dwell on the past. It’s gone. It’s over. You can’t go back and fix it.
Look ahead now. Think about how you wish to live your life. Don’t worry about how they live their lives.
If a reconciliation happens in the future, great! If it doesn’t you will not have wasted your time and energy being consumed by how they have behaved or are behaving now.
This is not worth taking up any more space in your head or heart.
Reconciliation will only happen when my brother acknowledges the way he treated me was totally unacceptable. I doubt that will happen. He might apologize but it won't reconcile anything. He now has no need for me.
I don't know the status of the things in the house now and I might never. I can do it myself, if it's still there.
I think you might find it useful to arrange for some mental health/therapy sessions for you.
I think meeting with an objective, trained professional could do wonders for your outlook and how you live your life, going forward.
It might be helpful if you started focusing on what you want out of life for yourself.
You have expressed that you feel slighted and you’re upset about being alone. I am quite sure that this is painful for you.
You have absolutely no control over how your family members think or feel. None, zero, zip, zilch, nada!
So, try to let go of the past. If you can’t do this on your own, seek therapy to help you find the tools needed to overcome being stuck.
How do you wish to view yourself? Does your brother’s opinion matter more to you than your own opinion of yourself?
The truth is that he is entitled to feel however he chooses, regardless of whether he is right or wrong. You are free to do the same.
I hope that you will find peace in the days ahead. You have experienced enough grief and deserve to be happy now.
If you are seeking a relationship with your family one day. then you have to leave the door open for healthy communication.
If you appear to be on edge and are extremely defensive with your responses, most people will not react the way that you would like them to.
They will feel that it is a waste of their time to try to have a meaningful conversation. No one likes to be remembered for the last crappy thing that they may have done.
That has happened before and I immediately accepted it. But it was insincere in that not only did he do it many times again it appears the only reason he apologized at the time is because he needed me then. Now he doesn't need me at all.
I won't accept it again unless he acknowledges that it was totally unacceptable they way he treated me and that it will never happen again. I have never treated any of my family members with disrespect, at least in my adult life. If the positions were reversed I would have said something like "I really want to get the house cleaned out sooner than later. You told me the stuff would be out by now. I know you have been sick but when you are able, which should hopefully be within a few days, can we agree to have everything out by the end of the week? After that I can not wait because I have things to do, too. Unfortunately it will have to be thrown away.". That's the mature way to do it. Not "That's it. I've given you enough time. It's going in the trash now".
You have a very ugly and dysfunctional relationship w your brother (and the rest of them), piss him off left and right with all of your blatant jealousy issues, yet expect him to extend you courtesy's reserved for those we respect? Why would you expect such a thing??
My mil didn't respect me, obviously, and I never wound up speaking another word to her during the remainder of her lifetime. And I wound up holding back a French lace dress she had made for herself that cost $2k in 1945 too.......wrapped it in a zipper case and DONATED the damn thing to Goodwill. Spite comes into play in certain situations, whether you feel its warranted or not.
Why ask for advice here "Lisa" then blatantly ignore every bit of it? SMH
I prefer panoramic or even spectacular locations, like by the sea, with mild climates or at least not cold or blazing hot. Where many of the people who are "in the know" about healthy living, about the world and have good taste in things and have good manners.
On the other hand being nearby to my father is priceless and it is very healthy for me. I could ask him if he would move to where I would go but that would be a major undertaking right now and would disturb his medical care which is still being sorted out. Possibly in the future as he gets stronger, and he's getting stronger day by day it seems. On the other hand I could in theory live where I want for like 6 months and come back for 6 months. I would have to plan that out but it may be possible.
What other family members and how did you give up much of your adult life?
" I wasn't about to start looking through hundreds of items, packing and carry boxes."
You must have some idea of what you want. And less is more, especially if you want to lead a nomadic existence (6 months here, 6 months in another place). A good compromise is to take photos of items rather than lugging them every time you move and having to find someplace to store them.
Please be at peace knowing that your father is well cared for at his assisted living facility. Don’t even consider trying to get your brother to allow him to leave.
I wasn't about to start looking through hundreds of items, packing and carry boxes. That could have waited a few more days.
Hundreds of items to go through. No wonder brothers upset and made the ultimatum. Her need to go through everything dad owns means he can't do anything until she goes through it all. Not cool. Plus dad's house has a bathroom so she could be there sorting if need be (that was why she couldnt go over there).
Wherever you go, there you are. Be it San Diego or Hawaii. Moving won’t solve your psychological problems. Lisa, you’ve been here almost a year, you’re miserable, and it’s the same obsession over and over again. Because you’re in denial.
I sense in you a great need to be needed. Unfortunately, brother and father don’t feel the same. You solve nothing by ruminating on how rich his wife is. If you move to San Diego, you’ll still be ruminating on it. Moving in itself will not solve this issue, Lisa. It is in your own head.
The first place that you should go to is a licensed therapist. You need to speak with someone face to face and get an objective viewpoint about your feelings regarding this situation.
You are clearly delusional if you feel that your dad should move out of his facility to be with you.
I don’t doubt that you love your father. I can’t help but wonder if you truly know what love is. Love is allowing someone to live their own life without interfering.
You don’t have your dad’s best interests at heart. You haven’t respected your brother’s decision to do what is best for your father.
You are not thinking rationally. I’m not trying to be disrespectful to you. I am only being honest with you about your behavior.
Make an appointment with a therapist soon!
From what I remember about Dad, he does not do very well at all. Your first post says he is frail. If your brother now has Dad in a nice AL and Dads happy, leave him there. Its time you do for yourself and the h**l with them. I have never understood why you allow them to treat you this way. OPEN YOUR EYES! Your family is not the family you want. Take this opportunity you have. You can always take vacation and visit with Dad and stay in a motel.
You really do need therapy to find out why you allow yourself to be treated this way. I think its a life long thing and as long as you did what you were told everything went fine. You have done your share of the care giving. So has brother helping out financially. Dad is safe and cared for and you know trusts brother's input with decisions. Your input means nothing to them.
You will never get what you expect from Dad or brother you must except that and take this opportunity to move away. Get a life of your own. Friends.
You remind me so much of my husbands cousin. No one in her family has any respect for her. You should hear how they talk to her. The poor woman is so unsure of herself. And she gets something in her head and she just won't let it go. Ex: She swears my MIL had Dementia. I told her no, she had a UTI that caused Dementia like symptoms but they went away when the UTI cleared up. "No, I was told she had Dementia" "Well, I was there and she didn't." My MIL was 91, living alone. Doing well until this UTI that was left untreated for a few months. My MIL lived 900 miles away and this cousin had visited once in the 23 yrs my MIL was in Fla. And I did not know what I was talking about. This cousin is decisive too. Can never make up her mind.
Your brother and Dad have given you a great opportunity to have your own life. Do it now! You can call Dad everyday. You can send him money when u have it. Visit when you can. Its time for you to live for you not your family. You have done enough.
Welcome back! If I remember correctly you moved away sometime ago, maybe even far away?
So what happened?
Seriously your problem is so small I don’t know what is a big deal? Of course, I know you and your brother is ongoing drama.
You need to get over it!
Siblings fight!
If there is one person who has ideal relationship with siblings let us know!
But if you are moving away why fight about all that stuff?
I love your preference of ideal place , spectacular and so ideally by the sea, I would choose Mediterranean.
Who wouldn’t want to live in some of the most beautiful places, I would move to South of France, Italian Rivera is calling me, how the h**l can I afford it? Or Cinque Terra in Italy, any place in Tuscany will do. Or my favourite, Geneva, Switzerland and we can even live there, but we need at least few mill.
I would take any Greek Islands, spent honeymoon there and I would settle for little house. Well, we can dream right?
In the meantime I need to shovel snow.
Thank you for all the replies, whether I like them or not. As a result I think I have made the commitment to live my life from now on without dealing with my brother in anyway. I also get the strong feeling that some people on this forum really "get me" but I don't fully get myself. I, like everyone, deserves to create and live an enjoyable life for myself independent of anyone else.
Because I have no one I can talk to. It seems to help by interacting here.
If I go over to my father's house it may result in conflict if my brother is there or shoes up so I am not going over there. My brother has not called me since to apologize and that's not a good sign after what took place.
Bottom line is if the house is getting sold on May 1st everything left in it becomes the property of the new owner and you will not be able to take any of it.
Who knows maybe that will please you because it will be one more thing for you to play the victim over.
Get it together. For your sake and no one else's.
Ask when you can come over.
No, I'm here to share experiences, good information and try to get some feedback so I can at least feel like I'm not dreaming this bad situation.
Also, as I indicated below, going to my father's house now is too much of a risk that a conflict will arise. I don't feel good about losing all this stuff but like someone said on this forum, sometimes you need to "let go".
Going forward, do you not see that you have problems with an inordinate number of people? Nephews friends. Dads insurance agent. Your neighbor who you think has a lesbian crush on you. Your friend who offered to take you to the beach. Dog walkers.
This is a problem that no amount of travel will solve.
If you unhappy in one don’t expect to be happy"
I appreciate all of the comments but I draw the line at the above one! I can tell you 100% that being in a different environment, like a different country, can radically change one from misery to happy or just being ok to fantastic. For example, where I currently live almost no one walks. Why? There are plenty of sidewalks here. It's a cultural mindset and that affects everyone. Stay in Italy for a month. Did you notice after dinner EVERYONE walking in the center of town? Did you notice that almost everyone is thin? Did you notice olive oil as a condiment on every table? Everything is good in Italy and everyone who has been there will agree. This type of living causes happiness. Different environments can make big changes.
Because I do have, I believe, good information to share but what I don't have is experience dealing with a sibling in connection with the care of an advanced aged parent. My experience so far is showing me that if I am not very careful my relationship with my sibling will be over forever, which may already be the case. I never wanted this. Well, in my adult life.
What do you do outside the home? Work? Volunteer? My hubs and I always had numerous work friends. We met at work, actually.
Do you have the capacity to form a work family? A volunteer family? They’re your friends, of course, but how is it that you have zero friends?