My father went into assisted living six weeks ago and what a difference! He actually likes the place. All his needs are cared for by caring competent health aides and he has made new friends. He goes swimming twice a week!
This has taken a lot of stress off me and my brother but my brother is still treating me badly. Let me give you a short history. Years ago my brother got sick across the country while travelling. The doctors did not know what was wrong. My father dropped everything and went out there and took care of my brother for two months at his expense. I put my plans on hold and took care of my father's house and his affairs when he was away. We both did this out of love for my brother. My brother got well and went on to marry a wealthy young woman. They give millions to charity every year and everyone in the community think very highly of them.
My father's house will be sold on May 1. Two weeks ago I told my brother that I would be taking the things I want from my father's house within the next two weeks. Everything needs to be out by May 1 when the house is sold. He says ok. Late last week I tell my brother I'm not feeling well and I need a few more days before I get over to my father's house. This weekend my brother calls me and tells me I need to get the things I want from my father's house out today or else it's all going in the trash. I tell him that I can't right now because I am having some serious stomach issues and I plan on going to the emergency center shortly and can it wait another day or two? He totally discounts my health issue, implies that I'm lying and says "That's it. I've given you enough time. It's going in the trash now" and then hangs up on me!
I'm feeling a little better now but not normal. I have the opportunity to move far away right now. Should I move and get away from this bad situation?
I was able to get some things out weeks ago. But then I had meetings scheduled throughout the day and into the evening, dealing with different time zones. Then I got sick. I asked for more time due to this. That was not a problem. Then he calls and says it needs to be that day. I tell him I'm feeling very sick and going to a walk-in care place soon. He doesn't say anything like "I hope you get better soon" or "Can I take you there?" or "Let me know how it goes" or the mature thing "Sorry that you're not feeling well. You probably will be better in a few days. Can we set a deadline for everything to be out by Thursday? Because I have a lot to do and it would take a lot of the stress off me" He could have said something like that but instead said "That's it. I've given you enough time. It's going in the trash now" and then hung up on me. That was very immature, to say the least.
Yes, like the good experience my father is having at assisted living. I was afraid that he would not take to it and/or it would be a miserable place. But it's not. It's sort of like a luxury resort with all his needs taken care of 24/7. So to others that information might be helpful.
Also, dealing with family is not something you're just born with. I mean I'm finding out things about my brother and his family that are right out of a psychology textbook. Things like scapegoating. How do you deal with that? I'm at least average intelligence and I can tell you that no amount of proof will change the scapegoater's minds! You caused it and that's all there is to it. "But I didn't even know you talked to dad about assisted living years ago and he was against it". So how could I have caused dad not to want to go then?" Doesn't matter, they need deep down to shift blame to cover their failure to persuade my father. That's valuable information to share!
Read the room right here, Lisa. Do you dispute at all that there are a higher number of posters than usual who are upset, annoyed, etc with you? One or two people, fine, but dozens?
I work from home in a specialized marketing capacity. I have clients around the world that I speak with almost everyday. Some I know well but it would not be appropriate for me to discuss my family matters with any of them. Although one had told me a little about their family history once. Just the history, not any negative issues.
Outside of work my family was my only social contacts! Now when I go for walks I often see the same people regularly and we wave or smile but it's not the type of activity that can lead to personal discussions about my family, although it crossed my mind about asking someone on one of my walks what they thought about my situation!
Periodically you show up here with the same song and dance. The manipulative Dad (recall the soap returns?), the wicked brother and his witchy wife, the sister-in-law. And innocent and belittled you.
And some who don't know you, or are new to Forum, or forgot you, BITE on the bait
We give answers.
Then you give answers why our answers don't work.
Then you ask us if you should move, and as we all scramble to say "yessssssssssssss" you tell us, OK. You will. You are. That's that. Goodbye. You're out of here.
And you're gone another few months.
But. Then. Here you are again. Yanking along the "chains you forged in life" to quote Mr. Dickens.
BUT.......................BUT................................BUT (and they say the "but" cancels all that came before it) the one thing I WILL say for you, and in your favor, Lisa?????
You ALWAYS take anything we throw at you with good grace, good humor, and a gentleness of retort that surprises me.
I spent the last decades focusing on my work and family. Like I said, I put everything into my family and was always there. I do have one old friend who lives very far away but they have so much misery and tragedy, them and their family, that I have been very reluctant to share any of my issues which are trivial, comparatively. My brother hung up on me? That is the proverbial mountain to a molehill, even though it's hard for me.
Then I have some very old casual friends from the old childhood neighborhood. Many of these people are disasters. Like alcoholics and/or they never grew out their teens. I went out with one these friends to a party a few years ago. They ended up throwing up on the hosts kitchen floor because they drank to much. Good grief! I definitely can't be friends with them.
I also have met some people in the last year here but some were too weird for me or we just never connected. If I "get out there" I will probably find people who "resonate" with me. I know a lot depends on me but it's easier said than done, as many of you know.
Wait. I worry about the people your meeting in the last year being "too weird" for you.
I will leave you with what I believe to be good information. I walk an hour a day and if you have never done it you may be missing something so incredibly wonderful. When I get back from a walk my mental state is usually vastly improved. I may have had a problem when I left but when I get back sometimes there's a solution or at the least I'm much more able to deal with it. My appetite is sharpened but not out of control, like the days when I don't walk. I eat less but I am still fully satisfied. I am more relaxed overall. If I take a nap afterwards it is the deepest sleep ever. Just 15 minutes and it feels like a brand new day. If I don't sleep until night then my sleep is also very deep. It's medicinal. It's like good medicine. My blood pressure is perfect. My BMI is in the good range. My muscle tone everywhere. not just my legs, is really good. I'm sure there are also many other benefits that are not seen. Walking for me has been truly miraculous. If you have never tried it's definitely worth trying.
I think that you need to focus on a whole lot more than walking though to resolve your issues with your family.
I say call your brother and tell him you want to get the stuff this weekend.
As I asked earlier. What matters the most to you? What kind of person do you want to be for ‘you?’ Bitter? Forgiving? Able to admit that you could possibly be wrong? Having a rational conversation with someone who has different views? Haven’t you ever seen in your life where you misunderstood someone or even misjudged them?
Many people are quite capable of making positive changes in their lives. You are capable of changing your behavior if you really want to.
If you slam the door in your brother’s face and only see the crappy things that he has done, then you have pretty much have lost the opportunity for any reconciliation.
Do you wish to be a person who will go to their grave feeling betrayed and being bitter?
I have known a few people who have gone to their grave with hatred in their hearts and feeling like they knew everything. I feel sorry for people like this. I don’t get angry with them because mostly I just feel sad for them.
You’re not hurting them because they become immune to your nonsense. You’re hurting yourself.
People who feel that they know everything don’t grow at all. They remain stuck in a stagnant cesspool.
I'm not bitter and I don't feel hate at all. I feel sick that my relationship with my brother is like this. At the very least he can never be the person I ever want to make decisions for my care, if it comes to that.
I recognize that I told my brother that everything would be removed by a certain date. I know he has been doing all kinds of important things as the POA and that's totally consuming. Still there was absolutely no reason why it couldn't wait a few more days until I got better. If he thought I was faking it to just postpone a few days then fine. He could have called me out on it if I didn't then remove everything. It's almost like he wanted to intentionally hurt me. Maybe it was in fact.
Your brother and you would do best to avoid each other. This will be best accomplished by setting up a schedule where just you visit. What you bring to Dad is up to you and Dad.
Expect that Fathers Day, Christmas, his birthday etc will be Brothers day, along with Friday night pizza or whatever he does.
Do not seek or expect credit, affirmation or praise for “sacrificing.” Own that it’s your desire to for as long as you decide to. See dad on a schedule that excludes brother, and stay away on days you know he and his family will be there.
You had no problem leaving your life when Dad said "come out here". You have lived in other countries, not easy to pick up and move there. You need to break the chain that seems to bind u to these two men. Dad is safe in his AL and brother has a wife to care for him. Its now time for you. You need to get away. Find a job outside of home.
Yes, there are scary looking parts of Italian cities with dirty burned out buildings and mangy looking stray dogs about but I meant in general that everything in Italy is the result of a very long evolution of taste and cultivation and the result is beauty most everywhere and the food is mostly sublime. That's why lots of people love Italy.
We were discussing places to move to or stay awhile. One poster said it was a "dream" to move to a place like Italy. I said it is definitely not! It is definitely possible for most people.
Some people on this forum may get so sick of being treated like dirt by parents and/or siblings in a caregiving role that getting away can be therapeutic and and life changing for the better. So if you're thinking about getting away in the US you should also consider other countries that offer incomparable experiences at a far lower cost overall. Italy is one place and the beauty is spectacular in many areas!
You ever heard nfl players talk about how “they are where their feet are”? Well, that’s exactly where you are, and your decision right now is not to move away from dad permanently.
When you have your plane tickets, let’s talk. Otherwise it’s just escapist fantasy.
I am having a very difficult time making the choice right now. That's why I originally asked for opinions. Being within a half an hour from my father is priceless. But so is my total health, which is being negatively affected by my brother's continuous bad treatment of me. I could simply never say another word to my brother and keep away as best I can but that would be bad too, and it would negatively affect my father. The physical and cultural environment here is not as conducive to my well being as many other places would be. It's a very difficult decision.
You can have your “priceless” time with dad and not brother. Understand that brother will always have priority. You can’t get along, so cut dad right off if and when he whines that you all must be there for his birthday or whatever, and that you must apologize or he must.
Thank you so much.
You can have a meaningful future even though your past wasn’t what you would’ve wanted it to be.
I think thats your problem. You want things to sort of go your way and that does not happen when there are others in the picture. I think your life has been trying to please Dad. And Dad sees women in a certain roll. The Caregivers. He sees his son as the decision maker. Man to man. You can't change this. I know you have opinions and suggestions, thats oK, but seems the males in your family do not respect your imput. Really, you need to see Dad and brother for what they are. Let Dad turn to brother to help with any decisions. You say nothing, NOTHING. You be the nice little daughter. If you want this to work, you need to just give in, stop fighting. You won't win because...your a female. Its what it is. Your like a dog with a bone, you need to know when its time to let go of that bone. Its not that your giving in, your just finally realizing this is what it is. And if you want to be in Dads life, you have to play their game. If it was me, I would move where I was close enough to visit Dad but far from brother. I would call Dad at a certain time everyday just to check in. I would pick a day to visit each week and not the same day as brother. I would inform Dad "I will visit every Saturday, please tell brother. This way ur paths don't cross.
So it’s probably not just being female. It’s that Lisa has a real need to be seen as “mature” as she says, as an authority, as a leader, etc. you saw it right here with the interaction about the stuff. Lisa agrees to go through what she said was hundreds of items two weeks ago, but says she had work meetings, then a stomachache, then posts that brother is being unreasonable.
So people come in on advice on that and on whether she should leave, which Lisa says she’s fully in control of down to knowing how to live in Italy on the cheap. And by the sea to boot…
Whether or not you choose to get your things is up to you.
You don't need to have any contact with your Brother if he is abusive or unkind to you.
Live your best life, make a list of future goals - and focus on achieving these goals one step at a time.