My 82-year-old father moved in with my husband I almost two years ago. Since day one he has had embarrassing "mishaps" occasionally, from locking himself out of the house, forgetting where the spare key is hidden, trying to break in, to, we think, once possibly falling at the gas station this winter on ice while trying to fill his tires. He has always hidden these events from us or flat-out lies to us about the little events even happening. I cannot figure out what is going on. This morning I was home from work, he epically crashed his full coffee mug all over new patio stones out front, I happened to walk by the window to see him teetering to pick up the broken shards of the mug. He wasn't going to even tell me and was just going to let the stone stain. And why on earth did he not call for me to come help him? I really can't figure out what is happening here or how to mitigate it. He lies about having taken a shower when we know he has not in weeks and we have just given up on battling with him about these little things, but its the big things like the falls and him announcing to us nonchalantly a couple of months ago he goes up and down the stairs to the bedrooms now differently we may notice because his ankle gave out on him on the stairs one day and he nearly fell. My husband and I's mouth dropped open at this confession. How do I know about these things happening better than just getting lucky enough to be around to help him with the ones I catch? ANY ADVICE IS WELCOME! Have a great day.
It wasn't that she didn't want to bother me. It was that she didn't want me bothering her.
Look at it strictly through their eyes. Every time they tell you they can't manage the stairs, or can't cope with the TV remote control any more, or have suffered a slight "leakage", or anything along these lines - it's a confession that they are becoming ever frailer, more dependent, more helpless. It's not a nice thing to admit to oneself, let alone anyone else. They would rather try to solve their own problems. And while it's objectively true that that actually tends to make things far worse, not to mention more dangerous, to them it's still better than having to ask for help and declare themselves... old?
Once I realised that my mother not only wouldn't ask for help, but actually no longer had the cognitive function to know when she needed to, life become oddly less stressful. It was a lot easier to be vigilant than to keep on uselessly trying to find ways to persuade her to ask. (The falls risk was still extremely stressful, but that's a whole subject on its own.)
So install the grab rails, the stair lift, the shower seat on your (your husband's actually) own initiative; don't wait for FIL to admit he'd find it a help. If you can find a friendly OT, ask for an assessment of FIL's environment - OTs are great at spotting risks and suggesting solutions. And as far as you humanly can, avoid wounding FIL's pride by calling attention to his frailties. I understand the irritation over the stained stones (I did a similar dance of arrggghhh over some upholstery); but in the end they're only stones. His feelings are much more easily damaged.
We just went along with him, and didn't harangue him about what he did or didn't eat in a day (basically lived off black coffee for the last few months)--b/c we knew he was dying and we wanted him to have some pride left.
And truly? We all drop stuff and slip on the ice and walk into a room and wonder why we're there. I'd keep an eye on dad and not stress "the small stuff". I broke a glass yesterday, I also lost my car keys for a couple days. I'm fine, just getting older. Ask me how many pairs of glasses I have--I keep mislaying those too. I'm 60--so I think I have "peaked"...and yes, I hope my kids allow me some measure of dignity as I get, inevitably worse over the next 20 years.
Lesson #1 for me today:
"It wasn't that she didn't want to bother me. It was that she didn't want me bothering her"
*BINGO*!!! The lights just came ON!!!! 😜
Just realized my dad has freakin done this to me for years and STILL doing it!!
Won't go into all the same old details about him.
This morning, this girl is done worrying and chomping her teeth to stubs, AND not letting him control my mind with F.O.G!
Wow, I feel like a ton has fallen off my shoulders...1 more cup of coffee and I'm gonna garden in the rain 😘
I know letting him keep his dignity/pride, or whatever will mean more bad choices, detaching more and letting the staff at AL do the main care taking, u will do the "loving" daughter part. But also make sure he's safe how countrymouse described.....
So, appeal to his male ego. Was he in the. Military? This work for my Dad (Navy). We told him that failure to report incidents was not the navy way. He needed to assure his own safety and needed to follow the service rules. Always report incidents, always have a cadet assist in areas were accidents are likely to happen.
We actually got Dad to comply by having this reinforced by the VA home care nurses. One of them was nice enough to come in her old uniform to deliver these "rules" of conduct.
See if there is a friend ex-military to assist with this.
People of all ages don't want to tell of these events because they worry about how people will think. It's embarrassing. Especially elders, they think their next stop would be the "home" if they do tell you of the event. So there is fear on their side.
Any time Dad does something out of the ordinary, pick your battles. Ignore the simple things. Keep that energy for the really big events.
Yes...it starts at conception. It is a joke..sort of. But...Male brains are formed differently...there is measurable differences, even in the womb
Some of the odd stuff males do it directly connected to their different brain. Territorialism, ego, "me Tarzan you Jane stuff
So what better to call it?
I'd make a list of the things you have observed. Let his doctor know about them. That will help the doctor in their evaluation. They may do a mini evaluation in their office that measures cognitive decline. They may also check for other things like stroke, infections, etc. I'd rule out other things, so you can know what you're dealing with.
One explanation that I learned when my LO got dementia, is that she lied about things, but she honestly didn't realize it. She honestly believed that she had bathed, changed the sheets, had lunch, etc. And she often forgot things that she had done. She had no idea who put her cable box in the kitchen cupboard. Her balance was very poor too, though, there could be other explanations.
In the meantime, I'd keep a very close eye on him. If it is dementia, they are often frightened, confused and anxious, because they don't understand what is happening to them. I'd try to comfort him and not make a big deal out of his actions. He can't help it, anyway. I'd try to avoid leaving him alone or allowing him to leave the house unattended, since, he's showing signs that he may forget how to return.
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