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No other family is available. I’m very concerned that my job schedule will prevent me from visiting more than once a week and even then, it will be on my only day off. There is no other family or friends to carry this load of visiting my dad. I’m very concerned that my job schedule will prevent me from visiting more than once a week and even then, it will be on my only day off. ad. I worry that I will have no down time if I must give up my only day off to go and see my dad. Please understand that I love my Dad and want to visit but I think that every weekend is going to be too stressful for me. I’m very concerned about finding a balance, and my employer is unlikely to give me any schedule flexibility.

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Why do you have to visit once a week? My father is in AL 30 minutes from me. I get once every 3-4 weeks. I have a full time job and my own responsibilities. I would never have the time to go once a week and still keep things going in my life. Go every other week and don’t feel guilty.
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I know just how hard this is, my mother was in an assisted living center (memory care unit) while Dad was in the hospital, completely worn out, after caring for her alzheimer's for way too many years on his own. They hid this from my sister and I, and we didn't realize until mom was agitated on the phone with me one day and handed the phone to her dead brother---aka my dad. She had a stroke the week after and never went home again. I struggled to maintain a balance of sleeping in the hospital with my dad at night and going to visit mom (she still knew who we were) but was up and down on moods, and working, and taking care of my own 2 kids and husband. Dad got better and then I went to live with him for 3 months, 25 miles away from our home, while visiting my mother as much as I could, and getting my family to come visit us at Dad's as much as they could. This was a circus! Dad eventually got too ill, went back to the hospital and subsequently to a rehab center. Mom escaped from the memory care unit and then we moved her to another one. All the while, my sister was "too busy" to come relieve me. Dad came to live with us for 2 days after the rehab center and passed away. That was April, 2013. Mom moved to another memory care unit and after 2 weeks, fell and broke her hip. We then moved on to clean out their home and 2.5 acres of crap to try to sell it to keep mom in the assisted living center. At this point she was sleeping alot. We finally sold the home after at least 40 hours a week for many weeks of moving, cleaning, selling and storing CRAP. I still tried to visit at least once a week for even a few minutes just to observe the staff and their care of my sweet, lost mother. She passed away in December and then the letdown of the whirlwind that had happened over the last 13 months hit, and I became emotionally and physically exhausted. I am sorry I wrote so much, but it has been very therapeutic! All that said...... pace yourself. Take time for yourself as well as your dear dad. And remember, he won't be here forever. Good luck!
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You hit on one of my major guilt spots. When my dad was alive and in assisted living, my husband and I would visit only once a week even though we lived close and I am not employed. When we did go there, we would sit there and watch boring old TV shows with him, because that's what he wanted to do. I did go there to eat lunch with him once, and all the other old folks at his table sat silently and ate. I have to admit, I am not much help. Guess I just had to make a confession.
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My answer is probably not realistic, as my dad was in care for a relatively short time. But I visited him as much as I could. He died the last day of April. I now treasure each minute I spent with him. That said, I guess I could not have kept that up for years.

In addition to the more professionals like nurses, social workers, etc, our hospice had volunteers who came in twice a week just to be there with my dad. That was helpful and I have thought about volunteering to do something like that myself now.
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Upstream is so right. I can definitely relate. I too am a busy professional. Although I am not the only child, I might as well be. My sister is having a hard enough time keeping herself out of jail right now. I am completely alone in this. My mother is estranged from all of her family and has no friends other than the few at the apartment building. She tends to hoard and self-isolate. Up until a couple of months ago, I was living an hour away from my mother. Her needs on my attention and resources have only increased every year. I'm 44. She is 66. I work 50 hours a week. I've had to get creative. But the bottom line is, you're going to have to look at the line of what is too much. You can only do so much. The difficult part is that it happens very slowly. First its just a small ask, here and there. One day off for a cataract surgery. Then the knee replacement surgery. Then its I need to call every day to "check-in". Then it was needing granny cams in her apartment because she would turn the ringer off of her phone or sleep through the ringing phone. I had to take over her medication management. I have to review her appointments every week, take her grocery shopping, and help keep her apartment clean. Every few months, its "just a little more".

You really need to have an honest look at what you can do and then that's all you can do. You will feel guilty for not being able to do more. That's natural. You're going to want to take on more and the doctors will tell you "oh it's just....." but it takes it toll. You need time for you. You need your sanity, and (although it may seem selfish to some) you still need to ensure you can work after your dad has passed. You still have plan for your own future needs including retirement and losing your job isn't going to ensure your own security down the road.

The hardest lesson I've had to learn, and frankly I'm still learning it, is to say "I'm sorry, but no. I can't do that." Wish I had learned it sooner, to be honest. But draw that line and stick to it. If once a week is all you can do, that's all you can do. Don't let someone guilt you into stretching yourself too thin. Believe me. Someone on the outside will say "but its just a few hours a day, you can do that for your dad, right". A few hours a day is 20 hours a week. That's a part-time job. Don't give in. Know your limits and stick to them, time-wise and financially.
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No paul, not during work days. I was suggesting to visit her dad on the day off either in the morning so she can still have the rest of the day to herself, or to enjoy her day and visit at the end of the day. My point was to try and fit in the visit even if it's short. It's important to check in on the facility to make sure all is well there too.
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My first thought was similar to moecam. If there isn't anyone else to visit him, friends or family what is keeping him where he is? Looking for a facility closer to your center of life would go a long way in helping your delema and helping to keep you and your life a bit more sane and manageable. Even moving him to your town though doesn't mean you need to go see him more often or every day so don't put that on yourself but even if all you can manage still is once a week it makes that visit far less stressful and allows you to really focus on him. It also will make things easier when little emergencies come up. I'm not saying don't spend more time with him, see him more often, if you want to just that his being closer shouldn't make you feel obligated.

The other suggestion I have no matter where he is located is using something like an Amazon Show or the new Google version, it allows you to drop in electronically and visit with him (he can see you, you can see him) from home or wherever you are using a phone app or another unit if you have one, without having to physically get yourself there so you can visit more often even daily if it works out and you want to. They don't have to be long visits they can just be checking in each day or every few days or they can be longer conversations while you are doing other things, the dishes for instance or folding clothes.
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If the funds are available, hire someone to sit with him for a couple hrs a week. Or see if anyone in the local high school needs community service hours and maybe they can just give him some companionship.
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Can he move closer? after 5 1/2 years, when mom moved to a place 4 minutes away from 40 minutes away the relief was so great because even though I spent less time overall it was mostly spent with her not getting to & from seeing her - if she was sleepy then I just came back later or the next day - in her final weeks I was able to visit more than once a day & that was important as I was the one who could encourage her to drink the most - try to see if he can be closer to you so that it is a quick stop after work a couple of days a week not 1/2 a day because you'll find your own things slip away [like fixing the house, etc]
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Hi CJ. Do not worry since You can only do what is possible for You to manage. Remember Your Dad is in Assisted Living so He is comfortable and well Cared for. You will never regret having to put in the effort to visit Your Dad, so why not ask Your Employer for the week ends off Saturday's and
Sunday's because You need that time. Having to work six days every week would stress me out as Life would just pass You by. Definitely do visit Your Dad once every week preferably on the same day and at the same time so He will look forward to Your visit. CJ I am 58 years of age and I have worked long and hard and I will into my 70's God willing but I work shorter weeks now since September last hence the quality of my Life has gone up several notches. I decided my Job did not own me and I have my own free will. Good Luck.
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Pace yourself for the long haul. Yes in a perfect world you would visit a lot. That's what people make us feel we are supposed to do. Like someone else said, you will feel guilt about the situation no matter how much you visit. I had to put my dad into memory care ALF almost 2 years ago. I am 51 and my dad was only 78 when he moved to memory care. Like you, I typically work 6 days a week. I know that I will likely be working at this pace for at least another decade. I know there is a possibility my dad will still be alive for another decade, and a probability he will be alive for at least another 5 years. I am an only child, there is nobody else that can take responsibility for him. My mom was unwilling to care for him and she is a whole other can of worms I have to deal with. JUST DO THE BEST YOU CAN. STRUCTURE THE SITUATION IN A MANNER YOU CAN HANDLE FOR ONE YEAR, TWO YEARS, FIVE YEARS, ETC. Take time for you, WE, TOO, ARE NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER!! Make time for what was important in your life before. My good friend's husband died suddenly at age 60, and my friend (only 54), is so regretful that she was so tied down taking care of her 87 year old mother, that she and her husband gave up things like weekend-getaways for the past few years. They thought they had time to do that "after Mom passes away", but mom outlived husband. So sad.....
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I was responsible for two parents in the same town, but different locations as well as maintaining their home where mom lived. Talk about spread thin. My dad, who was in a nursing home, had good hearing and good memory. He definitely needed visitors and intellectual stimulation. To supplement my visits with him, I used to read aloud to him over the phone. We read chapter books, history books, short stories, you name it. I kept the laptop handy because there were always side discussions and questions that needed answering. As I read, I could be lying down comfortably on the couch with a cup of tea handy. We both loved those phone visits. On the weekend, I would try to take him out of facility for lunch or a ride in the car. Those outings usually involved picking up mom first, so in total, with my drive over there and back, at least 5 hour committment. If I couldn't see him (I was under the weather or a scheduling conflict), those phone visits saved the day. Dad was also able to call me whenever he wanted. He knew to call my home landline, not my cell, so he knew that he wasn't interrupting my work or sleep. He also knew that in an emergency, the facility could reach me any time, any where. My mom eventually ended up in facility. She was slightly hard of hearing and had short term memory deficit. We read too, but kept it shorter and sweeter. She loved hearing me read about the movie stars of the 30s and 40s, poetry, and some of her favorite children's stories as well as singing! You can make these phone visits rich and meaningful. In the old days, people used to write to one another quite frequently. Try sending dad a little something to arrive the middle of each week. A simple note with a funny cartoon, for example. Maybe, he'll write back:) Last suggestion, does he like to play chess, checkers, cribbage? Maybe you can find a local teen to meet with him once a week for a game or two? Check with the local high school guidance counselor. Students are often looking for ways to volunteer (for national honor society requirements and the like).
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I found that shorter visits were better. I tried going at meal time, but I was kind of a third wheel at the table. I brought my mother a treat and we went to the coffee shop on site, or we played a board game or went through pictures. I got videos of old tv comedies and we watched them together. I kept visits to an hour or a little more. I live close by, but unless she was ill, I visited 2-3 times a week and spoke on the phone in between. You are further away so once a week should be enough. Speak to the program director to help them figure out what activities might interest your dad. As he settles in, he might make more of a social life there. I noticed that the men at the AL were pretty social and didn't have the petty cliques the women did.
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You don't share of your father's mental health. If he does not have dementia or Alzheimer's, explain to him the situation. Since you say you love your father, I assume he's a good dad so he'll understand. You can call him everyday or as often as possible, and visit him every other week on your day off. I'm giving you this advise, because this is exactly what I do. My situation is not job related, but distance does not allow me to visit as often as I'd like. Hope this serves you as guidance. And do not feel guilty. You deserve time off for yourself. Best to you!
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CJ, your profile says that your father's money is about to run out and the only option seems to be a Medicaid-funded Nursing Home? How long has he been in the ALF?

I don't mean to dodge the question here on this page, but isn't resettling him a bigger issue than long-term visiting schedules?

In any case you must be extremely stressed and I'm sorry for it. One foot in front of the other has to be the rule at least for now, and if that means skipping visits because you need to unwind then so be it. There are always phones for you to send him your love and check up on him.

No family, no friends, nobody except you... are you sure? Try Googling 'befriending volunteers' in the area, or look up any churches or associations or clubs that he was a member of. Seek and ye will find and all that.

But meanwhile, if you fall to pieces your Dad won't have anyone at all. So take care of yourself, and please let us know how you're doing.
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CJ I've got similar. I visit when I can but I've got work, young kids, wife with health problems then its difficult at times. He lives 30 mins away so even a short visit is 2 hours gone.

He always wants more. Its difficult sometimes.... BUT at the end of the day you can only do what you can do.
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Visit your dad.
Go early or late in the day so you still have time for yourself but I think it's important. We are here to support one another, but this is my honest opinion.
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paulfoel123 Nov 2018
So let me get this right you're telling the OP to "Visit your Dad" and go before or after work????

Seriously.....
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Loved Ahmijoy's answer and everyone has given you good ideas. I understand the struggle internally with thinking there is a formula for visiting or that one must visit on a schedule. As a working woman , who is also quite a drive from dad's ALF, you must be reasonable about your time limits. I agree that you shouldn’t feel you have to spend a whole day with him. I like the suggestion of having a meal or bringing him food from outside restaurants. Also, so that you feel ok saying goodbye...have an errand to run so you can tell him you need to go do such and such now. Phone calls are good.

Luckily your dad is not dependent on you and has people there to visit with and staff to care for his needs. Let the guilt feelings you have go. The main thing is you have to come to grips that your two lives are separate and in order to keep sane, you have to live your life, do the business to run your life and have fun to enhance your life. See your dad as you would have when he was in his own home. He will be ok.
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Hi!  We must do what we need to do and move forward without guilt or regret.  Is your dad Tech Savvy?  If so, perhaps you can augment your visits with face-time phone calls, Skype, Facebook Phone Calls or something similar?!  If dad isn't teach savvy, perhaps you can teach him how to use technology on your next visit, to bridge the gaps between visits.  As you show him, you can write down step-by-step instructions that will help him when someone is not around to help him access communications.
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There is not 'rule' for how often you visit family. Some families see each other weekly, others years will go by between visits and most are in between those extremes.

You know that Dad is taken care of by professionals. You could ask the facility if they know of any groups who will act as friendly visitors. Mum used to belong to a group who volunteered with visit seniors at a local nursing home who did not have anyone to visit them. Each volunteer was assigned to one or more residents and visit on a regular basis.

Also let his old friends, workmates etc know where he is living, they may go visit too.
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Just do what you can. You're going to feel guilty no matter how much or how little time you spend with him. Fifty years old is too young to give up your free time. Maybe spend a full day with him once a month, or 1/2 day twice a month, whatever works for you. But give yourself plenty of time to enjoy your own life.
Were you able to get him signed on for Medicaid?
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If you want him to know you are thinking about him when you can’t visit, you could buy a batch of postcards and stamps, then send one off to him every other day. It’s a cheap and easy habit to get into, and it can be surprisingly effective. You could get a pin board for his room, so he can see them all. They don’t get forgotten like phone calls do, and staff often talk about them.
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Judysai422 Nov 2018
Amother idea is to get an e-picture frame if he has Wifi. You can shot him pictures and video and even voice message to stay in touch. We got one for my parents and the whole family emails directly to her frame whenever they are doing something.
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Since you have been on unpaid leave from your job and are now back at work (I’m assuming), you need to stay in your boss’ good graces. Don’t ask for time off to visit Dad.

Dad’s welfare no longer is your responsibility. He has three shifts of staff and his needs are being met by them. Does Dad have dementia? If so, you could visit every day and he might not even remember you were there. If not, you can explain to him that you have resumed working and you will visit when you can. If he has a phone, call him. Keep track of him by occasionally calling the nurses station and ask how he’s doing.

When you do visit, you are not obligated to spend all day there. Go at a meal time and eat with him. I used to bring fast food for my mom. She loved it. If the facility has programs for their residents, encourage him to participate.
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