My dad was diagnosed with dementia almost a year ago and things have been going up and down since the diagnosis. One thing that has really stuck out is that dad really has no filter anymore. He literally says whatever he wants and doesn't care who it's towards or what he says...even if the comments are hurtful and inappropriate. He is really hateful towards my aunt, who has a lot of health problems, and makes hurtful comments about her health. He even talks about sex and I have never heard my dad talk about sex in my entire life. I've never seen him act like this or hear him make rude comments. I can't tell if it's just old age (he's 79) where he doesn't care what other people think or if it's the dementia. I realize that there isn't a lot to do because we never know when he's going to say something, but I can tell it hurts my mom so bad when he does make these rude and inappropriate comments. I just didn't know if someone has experienced this before.
Fortunately, she seemed to like me (whoever I was). She told me that her daughter put her "in this place." I'd say, "Well, it's a VERY nice apartment." (in the Memory Care facility).
2 years ago she would ask me if I'd seen her daughter. Then she'd tell me that her daughter stole all her money and went to South America! Wow!
Then, recently, she said that, since her mother had it so hard having 7 children that she didn't want any children and didn't have any. Too much work she said. (I can agree with that!)
I just played along and told her I'd be there for her whenever she needs anything. She's believed for awhile that I was her sister. I played that role until I became someone else.
Truly, no filters for anything that comes out of their mouths.
It will be helpful if you can learn what type of dementia your father has. Your mother may know, and if not, you can ask the doctor. Some types are Alzheimer's, Lewy body, vascular, and plenty of others, unfortunately. Sometimes they can't tell for sure, but each type has certain characteristics.
Your mom needs to develop a thick skin so she doesn't suffer any more than necessary over a condition that won't change. I find it helpful to be a little bit less of a lady and a little bit more of a barmaid. Maybe she can threaten to chain him down cellar again if he doesn't straighten up. Or say something like "Don't hold back. Tell us what you really think." Or, "Don't make promises you can't keep." She needs to laugh, because then she and others will know not to take him seriously. I often call my husband a doo-doo head, which makes him laugh. Mom could call him a potty mouth and make him put a dollar in the swear jar, or whatever she can tolerate. He won't change, so she needs to find a way to cope that reduces her suffering. Maybe if she's too serious, she could ostentatiously pray, "Father, forgive him. He knows not what he does."
It's your mother's job to reduce her suffering, to leave you free to deal with your own suffering. Tell her to write to us, too.
We had an incident with a waitress one time and on the check I wrote something like, "I apologize for my grandmother, she has Alzheimer's disease." I have since discovered that people who are with people with dementia will hand out little notes to strangers they may encounter explaining that their loved one has dementia. I thought this was a great idea.
Has the type of dementia been determined?
Some forms this is more common. Some types of dementia you need to be very careful of the medications given so a proper diagnosis is very important. (specifically Lewey Body dementia)
Family and friends are aware of the diagnosis and I am sure that while the comments hurt they understand that your Dad does not mean or understand what he is saying.
To the public..and I did this with my husband, I explain the situation and use it as a teaching moment to inform people about Alzheimer's and most people understand and I had great conversations with people. Almost everyone knows someone or has someone in the family with some form of dementia.
So bottom line...relax don't make a big deal of it, ignore it if you can. And the most difficult thing...he is NOT doing this to make you upset, to get a rise out of you or anyone.
It is the disease not him talking.
(If he has a tendency to expose himself though do not let him go for walks by himself, always have someone with him.)