I haven't been at this very long... I think it's like taking a child to the doc office to get their shots... No is not an option for them. But it's easier... You can pick them up and the law supports you.
I like 2 statements I began using...
"At least you can pretend"... (You like me)
"Because you are my father and I love you."
(Equivalent to "because I told you so" to a child)
Any other statements you find helpful that I could add to my list?
“Time to shower, dad. Give me your laundry and I’ll wash it while you shower”
NOT
”Are you ready to shower Dad? Do you want to take a nice shower now?”
If you ASK, there’s a 50/50 chance that the answer will be “no!” SO DON’T ASK!
Rules for engaging our loved ones with dementia:
1) Agree, do not argue
2) Divert, do not attempt to reason
3) Distract, do not shame
4) Reassure, do not lecture
5) Reminisce, do not ask “Do you remember…?”
6) Repeat, do not say “I told you”
7) Do what they can do, don’t say “you can’t”
8) Ask or inform politely, do not demand ("It's time to take your shower")
9) Encourage, do not condescend
10) Reinforce, never force
The overall goals should be to:
1) keep them as calm and peaceful as possible
(because they are less and less able to bring themselves to this state on their own)
2) keep them physically protected in their environment and from predatory people
3) keep them nourished with healthy foods that they will accept without fighting or forcing
4) keep them in as good a health condition as is possible, that their financial resources will allow and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive)
5) keep them pain-free as possible and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive)
The caregiving arrangement needs to work for both the receiver and the giver. If it is onerous to the caregiver, then the arrangement is NOT working. Alternative types of care must be considered to avoid caregiver burnout.
Now I know there are laws that you can't force a resident to do what they don't want to but...those suffering from Dementia become like toddlers and when asked "do you want to get a shower?" the answer will probably be NO. I always said "time for a shower Mom" and she went. I never gave my children a choice, why give my mother who can no longer think for herself. Same goes for Dr appts. Never told my Mom we were going. Just got her dressed and in the car. If she asked, I told her.
The way to handle that is to answer once or twice then totally ignore the the question or topic. Don't answer or engage.
AnnReid is right. You don't ask a person with dementia. You tell them what they're doing and when.
I was caregiver to clients in the home for almost 25 years. I will tell you from experience that the caregiver has to be in control at all times. Don't tolerate any kind of abusive behavior.
*End the visit/phone call, disappear from view into another room and follow with a period of ignoring to whatever degree is safe
-I will not discuss (subject) with you any more.
*Then do not discuss it anymore. With repeaters in a dementia loop repeating something a thousand times does them no good or their caregiver. Answer two or three times then ignore the topic or question. Try distracting them onto something else to break the loop. If that doesn't work and it often doesn't, ignoring does better.
-You will not lash out at me.
*End visit/phone call, disappear into from voew into another room and follow with a period of ignoring to whatever degree is safe.
-We have to get (task) done and I can't do it without your help.
-Nothing gets a senior a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn.
*Harsh as this one my sound, even the ones with varying levels of dementia understand it.
-The doctor said you have to (wash, get diaper changed, have the house cleaned up, eat, take your meds, etc...) and they are going to check up on you.
( This has worked well with my mom )
” I don’t know but I’m sure we’ll find out/hear from so-and-so soon”
( The above usually for questions about deceased dad’s phone number or location, but works for other tough questions too )
My dad: "They (the other people in the house) tore up my notes!"
Me: (conspiratorially, leaning towards him) "Don't worry--we fooled them! I saved a copy on my computer". (of course I hadn't...and he didn't remember what was on the list the he probably never had anyway).
My dad starting to stand up to leave the room: "We need to get everyone in a meeting now!"
Me: "They all went to lunch. We'll do it as soon as they are back."
(He sat back down, saying "Okay".)
My dad (in the hospital): Motioning that he wanted the hand mitts off!
Me: "If I take them off, they will make me leave" (they were on to keep him from pulling out intravenous anti-biotics for an infection he got from punching a wall during a bad episode of sundowners).
I have to add this, even though it is terribly off topic. It wasn't funny at the time, but it was so "my dad" (who use to be able to fix everything):
I went to see him one day when he was still living at home and he had a jigsaw (the tool, not a puzzle) sitting on the floor in front of him (luckily it had no blade in it). I asked him "What are you going to use that for?" (jigsaws are exclusively for cutting). He told me "I need to put some screws in the wall". I told him, "You can't use a jigsaw for that!" He said (in a very self-assured manner): "You can if you know what you are doing".
Finally one day he said, well can you fix it? and I had to find another excuse. I can't tell you how guilty I felt not giving him his cell phone, but he would have been calling people all night every night or calling 911 to "get out of there"...when he could even remember how to use the phone. I saw him 3-4 times a week, but of course he didn't remember that. Right before I took him to the home he had called his friends 35 times in one day (during the day).
I never was happy fibbing to him, but I did see that my fibs usually made him happier than hearing the truth ("you can't leave"..."you'd be calling everyone all night", etc.), so I got better at it.
With life disappointments--We can only control what we do. We will do our best in the situation.
I can't make this work!--That's OK. You had to teach me to use a spoon. *Conspiratorial giggle*
Mom's biggest complaints are about the NH food--it's hard to cook for 200+ people, you know. OR blame COVID supply chain issues OR take a favorite meal or treat every week OR at home the choice was take it or leave it.
Change the subject to something that makes her giggle--much easier now than before dementia
"Your guess is as good as mine"
..and he would say 'okay'and drop it.
Best of luck finding the phrases that work for you!
so what is the question?
that’s a good response too.