I wish I knew more people who had died gracefully in their old age. Instead, I've watched / am watching my elders deteriorate, become mean, dishonest, helpless. As a volunteer who goes into nursing homes more than the average person, I am often horrified by the conditions of the facility and the sadness and sorrow of the patients.
I'm in my late 50s. Life is good. My kids respect and love me, my husband and I are healthy, I enjoy life and have purpose. But seeing my elders become diminished, dependent, fearful and all the physical manifestations of that makes me think about going out on a high note...that is, having an end of life plan so that I don't become like them. It would mean giving potential good years vs. becoming unable to speak for -- and BE-- myself. The idea that my kids would view me the way I have to view my mother/uncles/aunts is agonizing.
To be clear, I'm not planning my suicide (yet). It's just something I think about a lot. I have no plan, no date, etc. But when I look at my future, that's what I see. A death-with-dignity-style death without, necessarily, the terminal diagnosis and 6-month window.
Does anyone else feel like this?
I just have to point out that there are also many young people who deal with chronic health conditions - both physical and mental - that make their quality of life lousy.
So at what age is it appropriate to "end it" and at what age do you still try to fight through?
I ask because, as I have mentioned here in the past, my 23 year old daughter deals with depression and anxiety. She is under a doctor's care, takes medication and sees a therapist. But I know, in spite of that, there are times she is sincerely struggling with her mental health. It scares the s**t out of me that she probably at some time or another thought "why bother?" and considered taking her own life. It is a possibility that has given me a lot of sleepless nights.
So I don't know that I can make the statement - as I have seen here sometimes - "well, if I got to "that point" I would just end it, rather than live like that". Because that decision wouldn't just affect me; even if everyone who knows me could understand why I took my own life, would they really be able to reconcile it after I was gone? By saving them the "pain" of watching me decline, would I be replacing it with another, deeper pain? Because that's exactly how I would feel if my daughter decided she had no more fight left in her and took her own life.
If I were to consider such a thing, I think, at least for myself, I would try to do it in such a way that it would not resemble suicide, if there is such a thing. Try and make it look as though nature took its course.
I was an in-home caregiver mostly to elderly for 25 years and have also had the responsibility of my mother's neediness for decades. It got worse with time and I don't handle it anymore.
What happened to me is that because I was day in and day out among the elderly and everything that comes with it, that I dreaded being around the elderly.
I never had any patience for senior games. I never tolerated any kind of verbal abuse or instigating. I got to the point where I have no patience for any of it. So I got out. You should too.
Stop volunteering with the elderly because you need a break from them. It's so draining and exhausting.
Take up a hobby instead. Something you enjoy. Go back to school. Learn a new language. Travel. Learn how to paint or make pottery. Anything. Get away from the elderly for a while.
You're only in your 50's. You've got time yet.
My parents took care of my grandmothers for a very long time. Neither grandmother had dementia, but one ended up in nursing home for physical issues. When my dad broke his tail bone and was not able to do much any longer he took his own life, leaving a note to the effect that he did not want his children to be burdened with his care the way he and my mom had been, and especially did not want to be in the horrors of nursing home. He and my mom had actually planned a double suicide, but he could see she was not ready, and went alone. She did not know his plan.
I can tell you that the shock of hearing about the violence of his death has not left me yet. It was over 10 years ago. However, I have a good friend whose wife is going to have a legal medical assisted suicide soon. I can see that she is in constant pain, has very little energy, and cannot live her normal life in any way, is not depressed, but simply wants out of what her life has become. Her plan is out in the open and is not violent. My friend is struggling with it, so his wife is waiting for him to come to terms with it.
I am grateful to my dad for leaving my mom with me to care for. Had he taken her along in their death pact, I would have never gotten to know her the way I did. It is those final years that I really got to know the strength of her character, even with the Alzheimer's. My mom, sister, and brother all died peaceful deaths. I still remember their personalities, quirks and all, daily. My dad's death haunts me in a different way.
I don't have any answers for myself about life and death, no matter how much time I spend reading, thinking, writing, and painting about it. It is all a mystery. But I do want to say that to think you might burden your children to care for you is not necessarily the way it will turn out. My mom somehow needed that extra time to continue her adventure into the unknown lands of Alzheimer's and I was honored to accompany her on the ride, as difficult and weird as it was. I learned so much.
Fawnby and Bundleofjoy have already posted what I would want to contribute to the thread.
I will also tell you that even when people have a means (having qualified for right to die laws currently in place) they seldom make use of that means. Life is very precious, and we seem always to end up with "not today" when we have that vial available.
I think our having the means to our end within our own control would be a great comfort.
My mom had dementia and heart failure and was failing for seven years. She was supposed to go first, but of course, it didn't go that way. I felt terrible having to move her to a nursing home three days after my dad's memorial service and wish we could have allowed her to stay home longer, but their house was just not elder-friendly and couldn't be made to be so.
I now constantly think about aging and the inevitable frailties coming my way. The way I deal with it is with a house we just bought and are remodeling. It's single story, doesn't have any steps to enter it, and I'm having it remodeled to be the home of an 80-year-old even though I'm 62. We're putting in a curbless shower, backing in the studs for grab bars that will be installed eventually in the showers and all bathrooms, and I'm not putting in a single unit stove/oven, because I don't want to bend over to get things out of the oven. (Like I'll be cooking much at 80! 🙄)
Everything is being done to ADA standards, and I'm glad I have the ability to do it. I have my parents and the sale of their beloved house to thank for this. I hope to die in this house, but my children know that if it needs to be sold if we need to go to a nursing home, so be it.
I hope to go as my dad did, but I'm preparing for my mom's scenario. It's the best I can do.
My friend recoiled in horror when I asked her what she thought about accessible death with dignity. “We can’t kill our old people,” she said. She believes that death with dignity opens the door for children to kill their parents for convenience’s sake or for their inheritance.
However, my friend has never been a caregiver or watched her parents die a slow and agonizing death. If she had, she might think differently.
I wish physician-assisted death were available in every state.
i think when the time comes, 99% of people change their mind. they want to LIVE.
the survival instinct is soooo strong, that when the time comes (let's say age 89, some old-age trouble...), one wants to live...one continues...even when one notices the memory is slipping, even when one is aware dementia is coming (and one vowed to oneself to commit suicide), one fights to live.
But I can feel my cognitive skills diminishing and am not looking forward to becoming less able.
So far my plan has been to live in my handicap accessible apartment with numerous services close by and bring in more help aside from the housecleaning I already have.
I hope to be able to be as gracious and compliant as my mom was when we told her that we couldn't and wouldn't respond to her many emergencies.