Need feedback about sibling conflict to avoid making things worse. Advice?

Why do your sisters get to make decisions? Do they hold POA?

I take it that he will be 8 hours away from you ... is that right? What is reasoning behind this decision?

I can't imagine why your sisters are not upfront with you. This must be so hurtful!

Thank you for your response. I hope you're doing well. Always learned something from reading your posts.

Yes, one of my sisters has POA and the other is what I call a "Yes Man" because she always agrees that our youngest sister makes such wise decisions.

From what I can figure, they seem to think Dad does not like living at this latest facility. They heard from one of my Dad's friends that the place has a bad reputation. Yes, it used to but it has changed hands recently and it seems well run as far as I can tell.

Since they've run out of places to move him, a move out of town was the next thing as they vowed he will never live at home again. I see their logic in moving him to the town my daughter lives in ... it's 3 hours away from where they live and hopefully that means they will visit him more frequently.

My daughter had no idea that any caregiving would be involved once he's living in a home there. I explained how I pick up things he needs on a pretty regular basis from clothes to Depends and the last big thing was taking his wheelchair in for repair. The last time she came to town for a week, she and her husband took Dad out every day for dinner and a drive around town. I wonder if Dad is under the impression that he will be taken out every day if he lives around the corner from her.

Yes, it hurts ... although I am getting better at accepting that we just don't agree on things that involve taking care of our folks. It's probably why neither one took it upon themselves to let me know. They knew it would upset me and that I would raise objections. I still think it was underhanded and wish they didn't put my daughter in the middle like this.

I guess one of the things I'm concerned about is that they may be dumping their caregiving responsibilities onto my daughter. She has two small children and works 2 jobs so cannot be expected to be there every time he wants or needs something. It's been a few hours since our phone call and I've decided to work through the emotion before contacting them.

I don't hold the expectation that either one will be open to another perspective but at least I will know I said something. He's lost a lot this last year and a half ... his wife and his home. With this move, he will lose everything else familiar to him ... including friends and a counselor that's visited him on a weekly basis for years. I guess he thinks if he tells my sister he's unhappy that she will let him move back home. Every time he was moved before it was because he was unhappy wherre he was at and wanted to move back home.

Thanks for hearing me vent and I know there's not much I can do but when I take him out for dinner tomorrow, I will talk with him more about the move. Thought I might want to ask if I can sit in on a future counseling session, too.

Um, they are moving your dad close to your daughter? Is there an expectation that she will be involved in his care? Has she agreed to this? Does she understand what is expected of her? Is there an agreement as to reimbursement for mileage, gas, babysitting, or is it expected that she's doing this out of the goodness of her heart?

Well it looks like he needs a higher level of care if he is going from personal care to a nursing home. You are very fortunate to have a daughter who is willing to step up and oversee his care. Most of us sit around waiting for help. He will always want to "go home", but what he wants is to go back in time. Being closer to your sisters will also be a good thing. There is nothing stopping you now from visiting your daughter and grandchildren and of course your father will love seeing them too. This could be a good thing all the way around, and it's time to let someone else do the bullwork.

I wonder if it would be useful for your daughter to contact her aunts, just to be sure they understand that she has two jobs and 2 children and she will not be available for Grampa duty, as much as she loves him. And she might also ask them if they realize how much time you have been putting in at this. She cannot possibly take on that level of care. If they are moving him there with that expectation, they should know that.

Of course, they should have contacted her and asked these things. But now is the time for her to raise these points. Everyone is going to be even more miserable starting from wrong assumptions.

I agree with Jeanne that your daughter should contact her aunts and make if very clear that she will not be able to take on the duty of gopher for grandpa and they had better consider moving him to a NH closer to their location. Three hours is far too far away as is 8 hours for you. The daughter with POA should be shouldering the brunt of the responsibilities with help from the rest of the family as needed. I imagine no one wants to step up to the plate and bring grandpa home to live with them

Thank you, everyone, for your helpful responses to my post yesterday. I would like to answer questions and address comments. It's therapy for me to just talk about it to folks that know where I'm coming from.

Dad was actually in a nursing home facility last year as one of his placements. One morning my POA sister got a call from the Director to let her know that it was time for Dad to "move on". It was determined by the staff that he was capable of a lot more than he was actually willing to do. Sister was informed that Dad did not need the level of care a nursing home provides. That's why she moved him to a personal care home about 6 months ago.

Here's some background information that may clarify the location they decided on --- at least that's what I can figure after thinking about the situation the last day or so. My daughter lives in my Dad's childhood home so the town is a place he grew up in. Also, my POA sister was POA for Dad's sister before she passed away in 2011. My Aunt had dementia and couldn't live at home any longer so my sister had her admitted to the nursing home in their hometown. As an aside, the facility may have different levels of care and I need to do some research to find out more about the place.

I lived around the corner from my parents when they were living at home. For several years I took care of my folks at home with the help of private caregivers. I took care of my folks in the evenings and would stay the night without a break. After Mom died, I was willing to continue taking care of Dad either in his home or mine. For a number of reasons, my sister felt Dad would get a higher quality of care in a facility.

I have had time to think the situation over and yes, I can see that it may turn out to be the best thing for everyone. Like you've said, there's got to be some communication going on here. My daughter is visiting this week and I will have the opportunity to discuss what's involved --- she didn't seem to have a grasp on what this move would entail. I have a feeling that her idea of taking care of Grandpa means taking him out to dinner once a week. I have had to pay for what my Dad needs every month out of pocket and mail receipts to my sister to be reimbursed.

It could be that my sisters are somehow under the impression that my daughter is willing to take on caregiver responsibilities. At this point, I just don't know what's been discussed and agreed upon. You're right --- my daughter needs to let her Aunts know what she is capable of doing and not doing. As a mother, I want to protect my daughter from being dumped on --- it's time for my sisters to step up to the plate rather than coaching from the sidelines.

Ok, it may seem like all I've done is a bunch of rambling but I now understand better what I need to do - in a constructive manner -- rather than reacting out of my emotions.

Thank you --- hopefully caregiver duties will end up being shared between my sisters and I. If not, it may be time for my sisters to move Dad to the town they live in so they can take over --- their turn. It would be nice not to always feel guilty like I could be doing more for Dad and that heavy feeling of obligation day in and day out.

One more thing ... I mentioned the expenses because I don't think my daughter will be able to handle an out of pocket arrangement like I have with my sister. I want to let her know the cost so that she can arrange something else with my sister if need be. I guess what horrifies me is how little anyone knows about the caregiving involved ... seems as though they're about to get an education. Another perk of moving Dad is that I will no longer be criticized or judged by my sisters about my caregiving skills.

I'm still not clear why Dad needs to move at all. He doesn't like where he is. He hasn't liked any of the places he has been. He is very likely not going to like the next one he is in. He is at the right level of care where he is. Moving to a nursing home would be a step toward more care and less independence. Is that really required now?

Four placements in just over a year? And no one is picking up the message that Dad isn't going to be happy (or admit being happy) in any kind of center?

What does the staff where he is now have to say about his level of discontent and the level of care he seems to need?

Being in his old home town won't mean a lot unless his old buddies are still around and come visit him, is it? Or will he be able to visit old haunts (do they still exist?) and have coffee at the geezer hang-out? I'm just trying to visualize why moving him hours away from his nearest daughter is a benefit.

I'm sorry, but this is just waaaay confusing! I hope after you and your daughter discuss this you will also be able to open communication with your sisters, and the three of you can put your heads together and decide what is truly best for Dad.

Re-reading this post, I'm getting that the reason POA is moving dad is because he says he's unhappy. Do they realize that dad is not ever going to be happy in any facility? Frankly this is no reason to move him unless family members who are close by can determine that there are indeed deficiencies in the facility. Why doesn't POA sister move dad close to her?

I would say sisters need to move dad to their home town if in fact he needs to be moved at all. Grand daughter has far too many other priorities to take on this burden alone and should be left out of the caregiving rota. if you are not unduly strained by overseeing dad's need I would continue to do so. he misses his home and wife but is in the place he knows best so leave him in the facility.. Loose the guilt and protect your daughter.

COMMUNICATION - CONSTANT, CONSISTENT AND HONEST is the only way to help to avoid sibling conflict. Set the expectation that all issues need to be communicated and discussed with all - including mom & dad. Withholding of information as well as knee-jerk reactions/decisions by one of the siblings OR mom/dad is not an option and will not be accepted by the group.

Conflict is inevitable, all are emotionally charged when dealing with these situations especially when end-of-life approaches. As long as everyone realizes that all have the same goal(s) in mind - that is that mom/dad are in the best/safest situation possible given the circumstances. We all have the same goal so let's work together. Parents will manipulate (or try) and continue to do so as long as it is allowed. Problems occur when one child has information that is kept from their siblings, whether it is medical or financial information. ALL information must be shared in order to keep the sibling relationship going after mom/dad pass on AND in order to make the best decision for mom/dad.

For those who don't agree with the safest consensus for mom/dad, an alternative needs to be offered. If there is not an alternative then the safest decision for mom/dad may be the only decision.

Sometimes a family may have the benefit of a sibling with medical/financial expertise. This may present difficultly for others so continue to work together to use optimize this gift!

Having been through this with my parents, my husband and I are now going through it with my in-laws. Whole different situation with in-laws, constantly keeping "my place" in check!

Sounds suspiciously like they may be dumping all his care on your daughter. Other posts are correct - there will always be something wrong with a particular nursing home because it can't compare to his own home.

Maria your advice is so correct and by the textbook I wonder if you are trained in the field?
I appreciate you have been through this with your parents and are now facing it your in laws so do also have experience. However I can hear a collective howl comming from our friends here. "She does not know MY sisters" I have not faced this on a personal basis so can't describe personal experience and would not dream of contradicting an expert but am driven by common sense. i won't say anything else because it is not my place to antagonize someone who is giving very good advice. Emjo, Glad, Margareu (Sorry M I never can spell your name unless it is in front of me) Capt? Any of you guys awake yet?. Help me get my size 10s out of my mouth

When i was cargiver and POA for my dad it went smooth. I was sponsor with VFW and his guardian . I took him to all Doctor appointment and my other sister is sick also help out. Right now my dad is gone so i ended up with my mother after retiring from being a nurse. I had POA until my brohter miss up and they gave to another person and she is drinker and slightly mental states. She have bad emotion and ideas on care of love one. So i am refiling for POA. She can handle the little money my mother gets. It not fun with this sister she likes to us fighting words and attack on me.

great answer above ...
Hold you in "Healing Light"....

If sister has POA, I would think she would be more responsible for taking care of dad, than your daughter. My husband and I take care of his mother, who is in a nursing home. We had to relocate to where she was because the nursing home wanted us there to help take care of her (Alzheimer's and dementia). It's been rough, because we have no family that help with this at all. I would suggest that your daughter may tell aunts that she expects to be reimbursed for whatever it costs her to take care of grandpa. I wonder if she can apply for some kind of reimbursement from DHS or someone because she has taken on that job? Might check into that. If sister who has POA doesn't want to reimburse, then I would say that daughter needs to hand the reins back over to her aunt(s). She can always go visit grandpa. It sounds like she has enough on her plate right now.

Has any of the family contacted your father's consultation expert? What is wrong with a group meeting with the people taking care of you father, all the siblings and even have your dad there????? Sounds as though the family needs counseling or an expert to help keep the communication flowing. Would your family be willing to do that? It is worth a try don't you think?

If your father has dementia, what they are doing is causing him stress and agitation. I would call Adult Protective Services to be sure it is the right decision. I've never heard of moving someone so many times! That seems abusive to me. It takes time to settle in.

Yes call Adult Protective Service on them. Pressure your daughter like that. Shame on them.