I am the primary caregiver and day after day my Mom seems to be getting worse and worse in terms of not communicating what she needs. I am physically and mentally tired. I have come to terms that I may lose her soon... I think. I ask God all the time that if he needs to take her, HE should do so but HE should stop the suffering. I feel bad I can't do anything about it and I feel guilty that it just might be easier if she didn't have any pain and all was back to normal or that she leaves us. Even saying this I think I am a horrible person for even thinking about it. I have 6 siblings and no one seems to understand what I'm going through as not of them are here 24/7 as I am. They keep telling me "I work all day", "I have my own issues", "I need to care for my family" and when they do help and let me get out of the house for a couple of hours, they make it sound like they are doing me a favor. Isn't SHE their mother as well? Why shouldn't I expect them to help? Why should I expect them to understand? Am I wrong? Those that live out of the city come here and start telling me I should do this or do that and then after 3 or 3 days they go away... so who are they to tell me what to do. All I'm trying to follow is what the Hospice people tell me to do. Can anyone relate. I can't even vent with friends because I am always the one that listens to their problems, so I vent a little and the conversation turns to their "love problems" or whatever else is going on in their lives right now. Is it wrong to let them know that right now I feel it's my time for them to listen to me and be there for me as I've always been there for me? I have so many questions and other times I just feel like "everyone just leave me alone with Mom and I'll handle it on my own". So what do I do? Thanks for listening (reading).
Fraulein: I lost my father to Alzheimer and although I wasn't the primary caregiver because my youngest sibling was with him and Mom was younger and stronger at that time, I remember my lil brother's frustrations. The one thing I did learn from that experience is that because they are losing their memory you have to repeat yourself over and over again and they will not retain the information. So please don't get frustrated over this, just repeat it as many times as you need to and accept that this is the fact. It's hard I know, but it will help you not lose your mind. Thank you again for being there for me. Ana Maria aka hispagirl
P.S. - Of course you can stay on this site - there are a number of others who have lost their loved, one but they continue to come on and give wonderful advice!!!
I guess what I am trying to say is ....
I am strong because I've been weak....I am brave because I've been afraid....I am wise because I've been foolish!!!! Just got that from face book!!!!
We can handle it they can't, we're better off then they are ever going to be and they know it, so they try to bring us down, but I don't give them the satisfaction. And that my friends will never happen to us because we don't run and hide we get stronger and it's the only way we can live with ourselves!!!
My Mom even knows through all her Dementia and confusion that I am strong and doing everything that I can for her, she verbally pushes me away from her and tells me to "Go Home and Worry about Your Own Problems!" but she always asks for my sister who rarely see's her and makes excuses etc. She talks about her like she's an angel. Mom knows if she treated my sister in a harsh way she'd never see her again!!!
She calls me a "Pain in the ~Neck~!!!" (G rating.. I cleaned that up) The staff laughs and say's your a good daughter! I see why you are so good to her... your just like her, won't let anyone get in your way when your on a mission.
I don't take Mom's words to heart I view her actions and emotional behavior as a way of communicating.
Just like a Mother does with a baby, they cry for different reasons a Mother knows the differences between an "I feel sick" cry and an "I just want you to hold me" cry "I am hungry" cry "I am too hot or too cold cry"
I am not a Mother to a child but my Mother taught me how to react to her wants and needs and she knows how I will respond.
I'm happy to have found this forum and I hope that no one minds, but I may just use it as my daily diary. Does anyone know of a place in Florida (Broward County) that could possibly have some "sanity" help for caregivers at no to low cost. Like many of you, the only income that's coming in is my Mother's SS because I lost my job after 15 years and of course, I cannot work as I need to care for her. If you know or hear anything, please let me know. Thanks. I was wondering, perhaps even this site might or possibly should have a section that we can give each other time off if living in the same area. What do you all think?
Many of the people here have family that won't help for one reason or another. They have jobs or family that take all their time. They aren't good with things like caregiving. They figure we have everything covered and don't need help. And my favorite is that they are in total denial about how bad things really are. The denial is pretty handy, because it excuses a family member from feeling they need to spend more time with their loved one. Consequently, many of our family members don't show up until their loved one is in the hospital. Others don't come until the funeral.
I could go on about family, but it doesn't bother me anymore. I just accept it. At least I can be sure they will be at my mother's funeral.
I also have an older sister that comes for a visit and sleeps on the couch next to moms room.. but will call me down in the middle of the night to help mom into the bathroom. I struggled and learned everything on my own. Why is it so hard for them to pitch in? They will always have input on what to do ..but they are not the ones here 24/7 doing it. I know one thing for sure. No one can understand what it's like until they live it.
At least you have Hospice too..I swear they are my angels. If they weren't here I would be hanging by a thread. Talk to them too..they listen to me whenever I have concerns. Call them at any time. Thats what they are there for. But you are on the right track with this forum. I have gotten so much good advice and encouragement here. I'm listening...and I know that there are a lot of us on here that will be here for you whenever. Day or night.
Here at least you don't feel alone. We all are dealing with the same as you...and when you need to release your frustrations you can do it here.
This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. And Kudos to you for being there for her. At least you know that you have done everything you can to give her the comfort and care she deserves. God Bless.