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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Feeling guilty because my mom is there. She argues with me and makes me feel guilty. My kids think I'm codependent. I hate going to visit her and then I really feel awful. Worry can't seem to let it go.
You're sweating bullets over things you can't change and that's not productive. You're making yourself sick.
It is what it is because it has to be that way. No parent wants the NH. I don't want it. You don't want it. But, sometimes there are no other options and that's that. We all feel guilty as hell for having to put our parents there, but at the same time you have to accept what you can't change so that it doesn't eat you alive. Sometimes parents need more than we can give them. We're not robots or doctors.
Sure, I felt guilt at having to leave my mom behind at the NH when I left. Did I feel guilty enough to bring her back home again and have to deal around the clock another night? No. She was where she needed to be and yeah, where I needed her to be, too. There were no other alternatives. You're there and you visit and you're visible and you make sure she's well. That's more than some old people have. Lose that much guilt.
(((((((nanny))))))) Has your mum always been argumentative like this? Has she had abandonment issues before? I ask this as my mother has always had abandonment issues and needed to control those around her. She often gets into arguments. A few years ago she was diagnosed with a personality disorder. She also is narcissistic - self centered - and expects a lot from others. People like that tend to use FOG, fear, obligation and guilt, to manipulate their families and friends. Be sure of this - you cannot make her happy nor can you solve her abandonment issues. Also, be sure that God is hearing your prayers, but maybe He is not giving you the answers you want. I prayed about my mother a lot and I still pray, but the answer was not that she changed but, that I had to change.
Letting go is hard - it is called detaching, and along with that you need to set boundaries. As suggested above, cut down on the number of days that you visit, and also leave when an argument starts. Work on not contributing to the argument. Do tell your mum that you love her, but you don't want to get into an argument, so you are going to leave now and come back on ____day. One thing that has worked for me sometimes is that I have told my mother that we will just have to agree to disagree. Plan your strategy before you visit her.
I think your kids are right about the codependency. Will they help you get into a better pattern of visiting with your mother? You could look up resources like Melody Beattie's book - Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. You can not change your mother, you can only change yourself.
You are quite right that this is making you ill. There is a truism that you can't care for others till you learn to care for yourself. Nanny, put your health and peace of mind first. What I learned about my mother was that no matter what I did, she stayed the same. She was argumentative, felt abandoned, that no one did enough for her and so on. I could make myself sick trying to please her and did. What did that accomplish? Nothing good! I got sick and she stayed the same, so I have learnt and am still learning to look after myself. Please start doing that for you - you are worth it.
You might look for a caregivers support group in you community. This is not a rare problem. Spend tine focussing on you and do something good for you today!
Thanks for your thoughts and comments. It will be a long difficult time but hopefully I can find a good support group. I also have God he's always with us I know. Thanks again! I love my mom very much.
Thanks emjo that is the way she's always been. I'm trying to find a support group. Thanks pray for her and our whole family. I know God is in control. It just seems to stay right there nagging on my mind.
(((((nanny))))) It is hard to break patterns that have been set in childhood. Your mum installed guilt, fear and obligation buttons in you when you were a child. so you have always felt responsible for her feelings and if you only did things right everything would be OK. But no matter how you tried it never worked or not for long. Been there, done that for years, nanny. I am 76 now and my mother is101, and I an still learning and healing. God wants you healed, Whether your mother gets healed is between her and God. She is not your responsibility other than to see that she is safe, fed, and so on. Her feelings are not your responsibility. When you - or me - or anyone gets so enmeshed with someone else it is good to start looking at what you enjoy, what you want to do with your life apart from your mother. What goals and dreams do you have for yourself?
Decide what you think is reasonable visiting - maybe discuss it with your kids, (BTW if they recognise codependency it sounds like you did a good job with them) and set up a plan for yourself, then stick with that and spend time on yourself and your interests. God gave you a life to live and that was not to be so tied to your mother. I know it is not easy but you can detach. He has a plan for you. I will pray for you and your family. (((((((hugs)))))))))
It is hard and obviously you feel guilty. You aren't responsible for her happiness and your being there or not being there isn't going to change her perspective.
You should set some boundaries and tell her, "mom, I'm going to visit on tues and Fridays, we'll have lunch on Sundays." Start weaning back. If she gets argumentative with you, cut the visit short and tell her "mom, I love you and don't want to argue, I'll see you next tues" and do it. Don't take calls every day.
You need a break to be your best self when you do visit....and mom needs to acclimate.
If they don't have support group, some churches do or consider speaking with director and starting a group yourself that can meet at the NH every other wk or whatever. I'm sure it will be welcomed, maybe a volunteer or staff member can help you get started to facilitate the conversations.
1) why does she argue with you and what about? 2) What is her condition, mental & physical? We need more background and information to be able to answer
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
It is what it is because it has to be that way. No parent wants the NH. I don't want it. You don't want it. But, sometimes there are no other options and that's that. We all feel guilty as hell for having to put our parents there, but at the same time you have to accept what you can't change so that it doesn't eat you alive. Sometimes parents need more than we can give them. We're not robots or doctors.
Sure, I felt guilt at having to leave my mom behind at the NH when I left. Did I feel guilty enough to bring her back home again and have to deal around the clock another night? No. She was where she needed to be and yeah, where I needed her to be, too. There were no other alternatives. You're there and you visit and you're visible and you make sure she's well. That's more than some old people have. Lose that much guilt.
Letting go is hard - it is called detaching, and along with that you need to set boundaries. As suggested above, cut down on the number of days that you visit, and also leave when an argument starts. Work on not contributing to the argument. Do tell your mum that you love her, but you don't want to get into an argument, so you are going to leave now and come back on ____day. One thing that has worked for me sometimes is that I have told my mother that we will just have to agree to disagree. Plan your strategy before you visit her.
I think your kids are right about the codependency. Will they help you get into a better pattern of visiting with your mother? You could look up resources like Melody Beattie's book - Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. You can not change your mother, you can only change yourself.
You are quite right that this is making you ill. There is a truism that you can't care for others till you learn to care for yourself. Nanny, put your health and peace of mind first. What I learned about my mother was that no matter what I did, she stayed the same. She was argumentative, felt abandoned, that no one did enough for her and so on. I could make myself sick trying to please her and did. What did that accomplish? Nothing good! I got sick and she stayed the same, so I have learnt and am still learning to look after myself. Please start doing that for you - you are worth it.
You might look for a caregivers support group in you community. This is not a rare problem. Spend tine focussing on you and do something good for you today!
When you - or me - or anyone gets so enmeshed with someone else it is good to start looking at what you enjoy, what you want to do with your life apart from your mother. What goals and dreams do you have for yourself?
Decide what you think is reasonable visiting - maybe discuss it with your kids, (BTW if they recognise codependency it sounds like you did a good job with them) and set up a plan for yourself, then stick with that and spend time on yourself and your interests. God gave you a life to live and that was not to be so tied to your mother. I know it is not easy but you can detach. He has a plan for you. I will pray for you and your family. (((((((hugs)))))))))
You should set some boundaries and tell her, "mom, I'm going to visit on tues and Fridays, we'll have lunch on Sundays." Start weaning back. If she gets argumentative with you, cut the visit short and tell her "mom, I love you and don't want to argue, I'll see you next tues" and do it. Don't take calls every day.
You need a break to be your best self when you do visit....and mom needs to acclimate.
If they don't have support group, some churches do or consider speaking with director and starting a group yourself that can meet at the NH every other wk or whatever. I'm sure it will be welcomed, maybe a volunteer or staff member can help you get started to facilitate the conversations.
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