Mom is 90. Lives alone and refuses social outlets other than me. She is getting more and more demanding. She cries and says she is lonely. I work full time and live over an hour away. I have tried EVERYTHING. She refuses any alternative to me. I can never enjoy anything without her guilt. Even when I set boundaries its very hard to hold them because of her CONSTANT harping. She creates a crisis over the simplest tasks (picking up prescriptions, dr visits, grocery shopping). I am really at the end of my rope. I try to do things with my friends or my husband but I can never get rid of the anxiety because I know there will be a price to pay when I get home. There will be an emotional reckoning for me. My mother will exact the proper amount of torture on me because I dared to have a life apart from her. She, of course, says just the opposite. For example, "oh I'm so glad you are getting away. You deserve a vacation." But when I get back she says how lonely she was and hoe she didn't have anything to eat in the house, or she had food but was "so sick" she couldn't cook it. Or she waits until the day before I leave and says she need her prescription filled or some other thing that you really can't refuse. She is very crafty and always seems to outsmart me. Consequently it is sometimes easier just to stay home. My husband has had it. We talk about her EVERYDAY. EVERY.DARN.DAY. He sometimes avoids me now. I really don't know what else I can do. My mother refuses to consider moving into IL, AL, or any help in her home. She refuses to go to the senior center or any other social outlet. A close neighbor lady her own age reached out repeatedly in the hopes of getting a friend herself. Mom refused saying that "she didn't want her coming over all the time."
Do you have any siblings?
Each's desires, wants and needs must be considered. At this particular time, yours aren't, nor are your husband's. Your other is running the show, commandeering the control and you and your husband are literally be dragged in and along.
In any relationship of two people or more, each has to make some sacrifices so that a balance can be achieved. Your mother isn't making sacrifices, nor is she planning.
You can help her make the sacrifices while simultaneously planning: limit the number of trips. Help her make lists; if it's hard for her, list what you do for her, when, how often, and what purchases she needs. Then make up a list which she can check off when she needs something.
Take control of medicine monitoring to make sure there's at least a few weeks' supply so you don't have to run to the pharmacy at the last minute. It wouldn't even hurt to create a medicine calendar, noting the days when you refilled a script, how many pills were left in the bottle, and the number of days the refill will last. Diary that ahead for a few weeks before the pills will run out, and place the reorder yourself. Just take the whole issue of this last minute med refill away from her.
Allocate her requests to be filled weekly or biweekly. - no more spontaneous interruptions.
You have a right to refuse to be a chauffeur. The trips need to be consolidated. That's the first step in setting boundaries and establishing what you will and won't do.
And don't feel guilty about it. Many of us have gone through this. It takes a while to recover from the disjointed errand service we run and to figure out ways to consolidate it. I still work on that; it takes more planning than I do for my own needs.
I would also have a frank discussion with your husband and let him know you share his concerns, and ask for ideas how he can help with plans that break her rein of control.
Be prepared for some backlash; she isn't going to give up control easily. But the alternative is the affect on your emotional and physical health and perhaps that of your husband's.
She does not have advanced directives and refuses to do it. She also wants to control her own money. With her medicines, she will not allow me to fill them and pick them up without her being there. She sometimes refuses to buy them if they "cost too much". She does not have Medicare D prescription plan. She refuses to get it. She will not allow anyone in her home. No social workers, no home care agencies, no companions. No. No. No. She says she is fine and claims that she doesn't need anything. She is just lonely. And I'm sure she is. Because she has pushed away anyone besides me. I do have a sibling but he lives even farther away and helps whenever he can. My mom cannot live with me. My husband absolutely says no. I would probably give in to her and ruin my own life if it weren't for his absolute refusal. I don't blame him but my mother will not accept no. I told her she cannot live with me when she can no longer live alone. I think she thinks when the time comes I will cave. But I wont. I can't. My husband will not allow it. It's his home too and I am so sad that I am now in the position of choosing my mother or my husband. And when I tell mom this she says, "well you only have one mother". UGHHHHHHH! HELP!
Perhaps your mother's disposition make it impossible to choose; you shouldn't have to. No one should. But if compromise can't be effected, it might come to that. Can you help your mother understand it?
Without being critical, it seems as if she's somewhat like a 2 year old throwing a temper tantrum - she'll get her way or continue pushing for it. It's time for her to recognize that's not a workable option.
I get the feeling this is going to be a major battle, with your mother insisting that she'll have her way. It will be challenging and perhaps a guilt trip on you to help her see that's not a workable solution, but I see it as the only way, even if you maintain a plan of slowly backing out of errand running, etc.
I kind of see this as the battle between Obi Wan Kenobi and Darth Vader - a no holds barred battle which your mother intends to win.
And how do they get to be so snotty about their peer group!!! Poor neighbour lady, it's a shame; but one older person at a time is plenty enough to worry about...
Well. There are two people enmeshed in this situation - you and your mother - and she a) is not going to change and b) arguably shouldn't have to. I mean what, exactly, do you expect of her? That she'll suddenly decide to broaden her social circle and make new friends? Some 90 year olds do like to, it's true, but they tend to have been the mixers and shakers of their groups. If she's never been that sort it's a bit late for her to start.
So that leaves just you. You can change how you react to what she says, and how that influences how you behave. You will need help and moral support doing this, and don't use your husband because he might break (like my exSO did, so I know whereof I speak).
Fast forward to when you've done a lot of work on this, you will be setting your own schedule and your mother will still be playing her games. The difference is you will have got the hang of pre-empting her sabotage through militant organisation, and developed special ears with ear-lids that filter out emotional blackmail as distinguished from genuine needs, and so although the situation won't have changed it won't bother you anything like as much as it totally understandably does right now.
Is there anyone in your community - counsellor, therapist or fellow caregiver, for example - who could support you?
I think though that you've addressed a key element in the stress caregivers face - how we react to situations with limited changeability, and people who either can't or won't change.
Thanks for that wake-up call!
Your mother isn't going to be happy unless she makes you as miserable as she is.
I'm glad your husband is refusing to let her ever live with you!
Hugs. I feel for you.
Such as living alone in their 90's in a house with a lot of stairs. If they fall down the stairs, well it was from THEIR choice to live in that house, not mine.
My Mom refused caregivers and cleaning teams, again she had to take responsibility for HER choice. That means if she had to do all the housework, well it was HER decision, not mine.
I know it wasn't easy advice to follow as I wanted to please my parents and they had no one else since I was the only child, and I had no children. But it was exhausting.
I have tried to tell my mother this - that the consequences of her bad decisions should not fall on my head. She believes I should constantly rescue her. Even when it's her fault. She cries and says she didn't understand or she is sorry and she should have listened to me. But still she wants me to "fix it". Which often entails me twisting myself into a pretzel. I have begun to change my behavior. I do set boundaries and mostly stick to them. I guess it's just wearing on me. I have been doing this for so long. I know others have done this much longer than me. But each person is unique and we all have our limits.
The bit about she is sorry and she should have listened to you has brought me out in a rash and started up my nervous tic again. More hugs, I'm sorry you're having to cope with this. Be nice to yourself too x
Sometimes I liken these caregiving journeys to mountain climbing. There will be times when the weather is perfect, the slope is manageable, and things go well. Then there will be times when violent storms arise, we're literally beaten by the wind, rain and/or snow, we need our emergency oxygen bottles, the terrain is too challenging to manage and we have to hunker down in a major survival situation and wait for the storm to pass.
And even though the climb has been interrupted and we're faced with challenges from all sides, if we can handle that, we can strengthen ourselves to move forward.
I wish you self confidence, maturity, sympathy and compassion (for yourself as well as for your husband and mother), and the ability to recognize the path on which you've found yourself.
A therapist helped me to step back, see the manipulation, but more important - feel that I was just as important in the equation and that what my mom was doing was abuse. She helped me role play situations. She helped me decide what I was willing to do and no longer to do, communicate that and hold to it.
it was holy hell for years (and sometimes still is) - but I had my husband and friends cheering me on and celebrating every time I didn't cave. My mom has had to live with her poor decisions because she assumed (correctly until the end) that I would bail her out EVERY TIME. I think it finally sunk in when she was almost evicted from her senior IL apartment for not paying rent and I kept saying "NO!" to giving her rent money, or gas money, or money for medicine. Or coming everytime she twisted me - to do errands, doctor appointments, clean her place, etc.
Seeing a professional was the best help I ever got and I feel so liberated. Ten years now!!! Good luck to you.
For a period of time the doctor visits got to be too much. I finally had to cut him off and make him find an alternate way of getting to the doctor. He figured out something. Didn't stop him from trying to get me to chauffeur him around but I kept saying NO. He got me after work one day every two weeks, and that is all he gets.
If she is unwilling to accept 'outside' help that is on her, not you. Decide what you are willing to do and that is all you do. The rest is on her. If it gets too much with the crying calls would your husband be willing to field a call or two and tell her you are not available?
I finally declared that I would no longer be held hostage over the will and I deserved to be happy and not do feel guilty because of moms loneliness. She has reminded me of her power repeatedly and that I can't control her or move her.
This has gone on 6 yrs, mom is almost 94, dementia and still lives alone.
For yrs now, I have replied "you have the power mom to make things different" whenever she says she's lonely, or no one calls her, etc. I stopped visiting so often, I call about once a week.
It has taken me 4 yrs to break the cycle, to stop feeling so guilty and to get on with my own life. I realized how I'd actually sucked the life out of my own family with the angst over mom, and depriving myself of joy because I felt bad if I felt happy.
Trust what others have advised. Change the way you react and set those boundaries. I can honestly say it hasn't changed anything in my moms and my relationship. She is the same and actually our relationship is better because I stopped praying for her to change and spent the last year changing myself. We actually enjoy each other, she senses my calm and now knows she can't get a rise out of me anymore. i literally have let go.
Save yourself 4 yrs. let go. It's hard at first but stay strong.
You can't force your mom to change, she may have to suffer the consequences of her actions or stubbornness. I understand that you may have a certain degree of anxiety about all of this, but you can only do so much.
What hit home with me, when you stated "we talk about her every day, every darn day". My husband was also getting tired of my mom being the focal point of every conversation. She was consuming our life. It sounds like you reached a breaking point. Just be point blank with her. Mom I love you but I can't be here all the time, give her other options and if she refuses, she refuses. If things get to a point where she obviously needs more help, have social services step in.
Good luck!
What would she do if you got killed in an automobile accident on your way to her house? She would manage somehow.
As one who has been there;
1. Get a Therapist NOW
2. Stop talking to your husband about her. That is what therapists are for. Unless you want a divorce. If you are a Christian, remember, A man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife. That applies to women too. There is nothing more off-putting than someone who complains and complains and does nothing to change it.
3. Read some of the books suggested by this forum.
I think you need professional help to get through this. Also, if one therapist doesn't work, get another. I had 3 in my journey.
1) Go look at AL communities near you until you find two you like and mom can afford. Don't consider looking at communities near her unless there's someone very near by who will respond to her needs (that doesn't stop completely once they move into an AL, but you get the piece of mind of knowing that her real needs are being met).
2) Explain to mom that you cannot bear to see her so lonely and vulnerable in her current situation. Explain that, though you wish you could devote yourself to her needs completely, you simply cannot. You must earn a living and your workload is increasing, leaving you less time for her. Listen patiently to her objections and show that you understand what she's saying, but do not waver in your resolve. She IS moving. Period. Just stick to your guns without losing your temper (that's the hard part). Don't meet her every objection with a logic response. She can't understand it and it's very unlikely that you'll win her over to your thinking. She objects, you nod sympathetically and agree with her that it will be hard and isn't really necessary. Got it?
3) Take her to see the two communities you've chosen and ask her to pick. Set up her visit with the salesperson at each to make sure it goes smoothly. Don't just 'drop in'. They'll know how to help you.
4) Start making plans for her to move. If it's financially feasible, it's SOOOO much easier in every way to move mom and then deal with her house afterwards. Remember, you're patiently listening to her every objection and even tantrum about moving. And you're not losing your cool, just being agreeable, yet resolute and non-argumentative. She's moving.
Once your mom moves, there may be a somewhat miserable adjustment period, but the community will help you handle it.
Stay strong. You can do this. It's your life that's at stake, not hers.