My mom has pneumonia, she cannot eat or drink without aspirating and it has come to the point where medical care is of little use. She also suffers from heart failure and dementia. I have signed a DNR, and am now considering hospice and comfort measures only. I know that she has said in the past that she does not want to be hooked up to tubes and machines, but I still feel horrible about all this. How do I talk to her about this in a way that will get through the dementia? A gut wrenching conversation will be of little use if she does not remember it tomorrow. I am so torn right now. My siblings are keeping their distance and I have been given power of attorney to deal with her needs. Just feeling so helpless right now....
You aren't killing your mother, her body is failing because she has a terminal disease and any treatment now would probably buy only a few more weeks or months of misery. I'm sorry your family are in denial and hiding over this instead of giving you and your mother the support you need.
As far as a conversation with her regarding these issues, I'd avoid as it will probably upset her for a short time. I know you want permission from her to let her be in peace. There's no talking through dementia though. Just be there for her and assure her that you love her. Once eating and drinking are gone she needs hospice/comfort care. Hold her hand, stroke her face and just be there for her. That is all you can do at this point. My sympathies to you as you are in a very hard place. I hope your siblings come around to acceptance of your mother's situation. They are missing out on a very important part of your mom's life. Bless you for being the one that is there for her. I'm certain she feels your presence and love.
You nailed it. I am seeking permission. I had not looked at it like that or was denying that is what I am doing. I do not feel any better, but it puts it into perspective for me. I know mom would want to go with some shred of dignity, and my brain is telling me that it is for the best, but my gut is being ripped apart in dealing with all this.
Don't be surprised once your Mom is on Hospice that she rallies, wants to sit up, be chatty, wants to try to eat [Dad tried but aspirated which was sad as he loved mash potatoes and gravy, and wanted so much to eat it all]. The coughing was exhausting him, and here he was 95 years old. Sadly the next day he passed.
The caregiver said that night my Dad was calling out to my late Mom who had passed in December... he was ready to see her. That was my saving grace from feeling so helpless. Dad got his wish to see Mom again.
She had been feeling sick and was looking pale the day before, but she seemed to rebound later in the day and was happy and smiling at dinner.
The next morning she was happy and cheerful when she woke up, went down to eat breakfast and after she finished eating, she simply slumped over in her chair. The nurse took her back to her room while they called us. We were there in about 3 minutes, but she had already left us. I am thankful that she went quickly and peacefully.
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