When you're frustrated, exhausted with circular conversations, unable to control what's happening in any way, and living in dread of your phone ringing for the tenth or twentieth time in one day ... what do you do? Anyone care to share your coping secrets? I mean, not in how you relate to them, but in how you maintain your own sense of self and sanity?
I tell my self "God has a plan" and He can take the calls.
Limit her to one call a day. Get her some Xanax or Ativan.
If she won't take them, I would.
Now that mom's passed and I look back? I honestly don't know how I did it. But I have an idea...
My life's philosophy has always been, "Just do the next right thing." I never thought much about the burden, I just did what had to be done. Tried to find some humor in it, and tried to make mom's last days on earth good enough to let her know she was safe and surrounded by love. I think I did that.
Did I sometimes fail? You bet. Sometimes I got short. Sometimes I was cross with mom -- mostly not believing she couldn't do better. I sometimes thought of how MOM'S life was when she was my age . . . very different from the life I was living. But, all in all, I have no regrets. I am human after all.
I didn't wallow...didn't dwell on negativity...didn't feel sorry for myself. It was a choice I made to care give for mom. One I'll never regret.
Bring a buddy into your life. I had one, and she helped immensely. I could unload my frustrations on her -- and did so liberally. She often had tips/tricks that helped. If that buddy has suffered an immense loss in his/her life, so much the better. They "get it".
And HERE. Unload here. This site helped me soooo much. Not only by unloading here, but by learning things -- and teaching things. I realized I'd found many shortcuts, tips and tricks that could help others. This site (and another public forum on the internet) were my absolute stress relievers.
Try it. It might work for you.
So, for example: the phone rings. What happens if you don't take the call?
Unless the answer to that question is some kind of catastrophe, feel free to ignore it. Well, free-er, anyway: it takes practice to get used to the eerie peaceful feeling! But after you've tried it a few times and nothing dreadful has happened, you should find it easier to relax.
Setting up a good, reliable reporting system in case of emergencies will help. That way, if there is any *real* need for you to be contacted you'll know it will happen.
Next time she called I let it go to the machine as I had company, and it was another accusatory call, asking "did YOU take my pkge?" Any time she misplaces something she accuse me of taking it. After several of those incidents, I just didn't call her back this time, having decided that I can't run over to the ALF every time she hides or misplaces something and then is sure I or someone else moved it. Not taking or responding to that call felt just fine. It has taken forever, but I am finally realizing that I don't have to jump at her every whim, and guess what? Nothing happened.
If your loved one is truly "loving" this may seem harsh, but my mother is often very verbally abusive, puts my kids down, and puts me down, and I have decided to put my own mental health first. My physical health has suffered from the stress, and having Epstein Barr Virus, while unpleasant and sometimes debilitating, has turned out to be a good excuse to "opt out" of her drama.
We used to give kids a time out...not really for them but to keep them safe while we calmed down...that's what mom needs too. Take a time out...set a timer and both go to your corner and take slow breaths.
I am sorry Mom looks at the world through such cloudy lenses, but I must keep my vision clear because I don't want to be so negative. And a lot has happened to her to create this negative vibe...
Stay positive. Use statements like "I'm sorry you feel that way" and "Thank you for sharing that thought" which really just acknowledge their input without turning into a back and forth.
Find a middle ground...mom is more mom when we play cards. Sometimes I am tired and don't want to, but she can joke and focus on something besides the state of what she can't do when we play rummy...so I will try to make cards more important to me.
Find the bright spot to aim for..."keep going until the wedding" "have to hold that new expected great grandchild"... "remember tomorrow we are going to lunch with the kids"...
Try some hopeful signs. Actual signs of paper. Statements like " I Love you Nana" signed grandchild's name. That is often helpful and if you change them they will feel cared for and not forgotten.
Please don’t try and make me Remember…
Don’t try and make me Understand…
Just let me Rest and know you’re with Me…
Kiss my Cheek and Hold my Hand
I’m Confused beyond your concept…
I am Sad and Sick and Lost…
All I know is that I need You…
To be with me at all cost.
Don’t lose your patience with Me…
Please don’t Scold, or Curse, or Cry….
I can’t help the way I am Acting…
Although I will try.
Just Remember that I need You…
And the Best of me is Gone…
Please just stay beside me…
Until my Life is Done.
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