As many of you may know that I have been a caregiver for my mom for over a year. I have changed a lot emotionally and physically speaking and it has affected my professional and social life immensely. As a result, I have no social life and a professional life anymore. My brother got angry because mom decided with reluctance to go back to physical therapy for her hip and leg. He said that mom always does things every time when I have to go back to work as a tax temp. He says that she should have been going to therapy all this time I have been off and that he won't take off to take her once I be back to work in a couple of months. Life isn't fair. I sometimes blame my parents for not wanting to care for themselves. They are from the old country and they believe that their children are to serve them and must forgo their lives. I am through explaining to my friends that I can no longer make plans ahead of time of any outings. People stop inviting me to social gatherings. I have become more antisocial than before. All I want to do is go to sleep and take a hot bubble bath.
Fortunately, this forum is a place where people do understand and there is a lot of support for one another. Take advantage of reading the questions, discussions and answers and you will be strengthened.
My approach is to keep your best friends close by making a special time to be with them and stay interested in how their lives are evolving. Minimize the time spent discussing your difficulties with your friends. There's only so much they can offer to relieve any pressures and stresses you are experiencing. Enjoy their company, laugh often and loud.
Hold on to as much as you can ... of your work, your friends, your loved ones. After I immersed myself in my mom's care and then her complicated estate for my absent siblings, it feels like everyone moved on. It's Saturday night and I'm reading this blog alone at home, sitting in the quiet night. Thought I had friends and plans, but they evaporated.
It's hard to do, but my best advice is to try hard to keep a bit of your own life alive. Try to find common interests with non-caregivers, otherwise they may move on to those who do share their interests.
Something I am continually trying to revive now that I'm back on my own again.
Best wishes to you!
Speaking for myself, it's not really my nature to fill this role of caregiver to my elderly mother who has dementia. I'm grateful for the miracle which allows it. And the truth is that just to get through an average day pushes me to my limits. When an emergency comes up, it stresses me out and then for days afterward I'm in a post-traumatic state. Try explaining THAT to anyone who hasn't been through it.
What gets me through is to compassionately detach from the emotional hooks which come in these situations and to offer everything I do to God. So my attitude is that I'm not doing this stuff for an ungrateful old lady and I'm not just doing my duty; I am performing a service without expectation of return. Amen.
sadly this isnt a game. to me the purpose of a friend is to pool our resources and watch out for each other. i had a female " friend " . i could come over when she needed me and punch list everything that was falling apart at her place but she couldnt take my dying mother out for a sandwich or a ride. i have another female friend who would walk a thousand miles across glass when i need help. only one remains. was it wise to ditch the former one? yea, she wasnt a friend she was / is a self-centered loser.
I have friends and family that just DO NOT GET IT that I cannot run off and leave her alone. I am grateful to be asked to come on vacations or asked "when are you coming over to see us" but I have also had friends that want to come here on vacation and stay at my home. I try to explain to them that I cannot do this but they completely do not get it. Mom is use to everything being done the same and the same people in the house every day, change everything and all hell breaks loose! I actually lost a long time friendship over this very issue. People just do not get it and they never REALLY LISTEN to what you are going through or how difficult your situation is. I thought this only happened with young people, but it has no age limitations.
When I even try to go on vacation for two weeks during the summer, I have a very difficult time as my sister who lives with us would have to take over care, only she doesn't want to so there is normally a huge fight right before vacation. It amazes me that although she lives in this house she feels no compunction to lift a finger to help with Mom's care. I am POA so I am being punished by having everything dumped on me.
I wish I could tell you how to cure this problem for you, but honestly everyone seems to think of themselves and not put themselves in the shoes of the other person, so they don't understand. In a way that is good because they can bring you a bit of the "outside world." You would not be so happy to see them if they came and spoke of nothing other than your sad situation... you would be depressed and want them to leave!
Take care, we understand what you are dealing with!
Compared to so many, I reckon this "friend" had it easy. Now in her late 60's she's bound and determined to just have a good time, has no time or patience for anyone who isn't upbeat and makes her laugh. She spends hours with her dogs at a dog park every day and the rest of her time shopping while her house falls down around her ears. Sad, but each to their own I suppose.
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