I feel I have some moral responsibility to care for my parents but to what point?

As I see it, here are two options:
1) Sell your parent's home and place them into an ALF near you
2) Find around the clock caregivers

I am not familiar with services in Canada for the elderly, but you can research what is available in your area.

You are not morally responsible to care for your parents - especially at the terrific expense of your own marriage, health and livelihood. You need to be frank, determined, calm and diplomatic with your parents and brother. Have a sit down with all and come up with a plan. State your boundaries and concerns and provide options.

This is a lesson in boundary drawing for you. Be strong. Be alert. Be sober. Be unshackled from other people's expectations and demands when they are imposed upon you. Your marriage needs your attention.

Thanks for the quick reply. There is no diplomacy in our family. There is no calmness, never has been in a long time. I cannot sell their home and neither my brother as he tried to get power of attorney and my father did not sign anything. He does not sign anything anymore and neither my mother. They are both losing it fast if they haven't already. I am not part of their will, but somehow my parents willed the house and everything to my brother's children and ONLY after both my parents die. I am only here taking care out of the very little respect I still can muster for them. My brother\s children don't even like their grandparents as they never come around and see them, only during holidays because they know the will get an envellope with money. They never help around the house, even if it is to cut the front grass. In the 8 months I am here, they came around twice, Christmas and Easter and they never hang around for dinner. And they get the house. That's how crazy things are around this asylum.

How your brother and his family and your parents react has nothing to do with your response to this situation. You can choose to be calm and diplomatic no matter how they treat you. It is a choice.

Now, with that added info, all the more reason for you to state your case/needs and move along. You can show respect to your parents - but on your terms and not those foisted upon you.

May God bless you with courage, wisdom, and strength. This process is not easy.

Well said! Those are the options I would offer as well.Decide on a plan of action and then stick to it. Your wife is just as important as your parents. Maybe you could hire a caregiver for a few days and go visit your wife! Or have her come to you and just have her stay in a hotel or with a friend. A short term solution while you work on a long term solution! Don't get discouraged, it will work out!

Live-in caretaker, maid, part time assistant, cleaning lady etc. have been discussed many times over with them and my brother. The ( my parents) do not want to see anybody in or around the house. They always say that they brought us up in early life and it is our turn ( me and brother) to do it now. They have no visitors either family or friends over. They get up in the morning, eat, argue, eat some more, argue, sleep in the afternoon, argue, eat supper, watch tv, sleep. That is what they do each and every day. The routine is driving me nuts. I do sincerely believe that they do not want to be around people. My wife is up to the breaking point and will not jeopardize her job to come here for this craziness. Thanks everyone for the quick replies. Perhaps I will just leave and drop the ball on my brother's hands. Let him do as he pleases. I did what I could.

Your parents are being very unreasonable, even abusive. Your moral responsibility ends where the abuse begins. I say: go home to your wife, call your parents weekly, visit quarterly, but otherwise let the chips fall where they may.

You said it, now do it. Leave and go back to your wife. Your parents are beyond reasonable. Eventually your parents will be forced into doing things due to their pending incompetency.

For this honor and respect bit, I lost my job in NY, I now need to find and purchase another car, my wife will look at me as a complete fool and idiot as she will say " I told you so". The rent is backed up 6 weeks, I am not on pension and neither is she. I may not even be able to find work. We may be evicted and all for just showing some respect for the needy elderly. Eight months away can really damage a family.

Margaret has it nailed!

So short of handcuffing you to them, just how can your brother force you to stay? Your statement...."I also think that my brother will attempt to stop me returning to NY and my wife just so I can be a slave here" makes no sense, really what are you....8 years old? OK, I know this sounds harsh and it is, but grow a pair and make a decision and then do it. BTW I am totally in your wife's corner on this, you made a choice to marry her and have your life in the US and now it seems you have left her for your parents. Realize that if your bride is at all super mad about all this, that she can basically divorce you and clean your clock financially. Decide what you want your future to be and then do it. Your parents sound like they totally have the resources to pay for their care, contact whatever is Canadian APS and your state's Department of Aging & Elderly and tell them the situation and then leave. And take your wife something nice. Good luck.

Your parents think it is OK to break up your marriage so they can have you all to themselves to care for them? NO! It is NOT OK. There is both a Commandment to honor your father and mother, and an exhortation that one leaves one's parents and cleaves to their spouse...it follows then, that it does not "honor" your parents to let their desires and requests destroy your marriage and family because they have lost any sense of what is rational and reasonable. No one should be permitted to "eat their young" so to speak.

To be perfectly honest, while trying to be a little gentler about it than "grow a pair" (hey, sometimes women, even strong ones, find thensleves torn between two apparent obligations like this too) you abandoned your wife and destroyed your own life, trying to please your brother and your parents who are totally off base in what they are asking of you. She is right to insist this comes to an end, and I hope will forgive the 8 months it took you to realize that what you have done makes no sense and was a huge mistake. You can possibly hold off or soften the "I told you so" you are facing by admitting this up front, as you have pretty much admittied it to us and to yourself already.

As harsh as it is, you have been there 7 months and 2 weeks too long. No one should be expected to live like this. Honoring parents and seeing that they are cared for and safe does not include giving up your life, marriage and health.

Hope you are packing and on the way out the door! Best wishes!

Thanks everyone. I appreciate your advice and it just confirms what I should have done a long time ago. If it wasn't for my wife, I would stay a little longer like a month to see where this will end up. I think that because of their mental state, they may be taken ( against their will ) to a home for the elderly which I would be happy about. I was talking today to a few people that had their parent(s) brought there without their consent as they were not reasoning properly. They underwent many days and weeks of evaluation by different doctors followed by a court ruling and the final outcome was justifiably the right thing to happen. One person was in a very similar situation as myself the difference was that he and his wife stayed 2 full years until they couldn't take it any more got legal council and left.
Also talked to my wife today, telling her I'll be on the bus back this Friday. It feels good just thinking about getting back to normal even though I have to find a job and a car.

Is it safe to say that strong people can lose that physical, moral, spiritual strength they've always been known for, under these situations of being from the sandwich generation? For the last 7 1/2 years I have been the caregiver of my parents since my father had his heart attack, stroke, prostate surgery, spinal cord hernia removal and my mothers not so risky surgery (understanding that any surgery is a risk). The point is that I have lost my privacy with my own family, husband and two young sons (ages 23 and 21) and two daughters (ages 10 and 8), have sacrificed my professional life, health, time, money, etc., for them and mother is never happy. They are still young (74), both of them, however, my mother is always wanting to control my life, my family, food, time, etc. and she is suffocating me.

Knowing that my husband is the only bread winner and thanks to him she has a roof, food, etc., she has become a very ungrateful person, attacking, critizing, putting us down all the time, selfish towards me and I frankly don't know how to act towards her anymore. If i ignore her, she starts her "I'm the victim attitude" if I'm nice and try to be happy, she finds a way to sour my day. I don't feel love or respect for her, but I deeply love my father, who is the true victim of my mothers negative, selfish attitude. They don't have a house of their own, their retirement is not enough for them the live on their own, and of course My husband and I don't receive zilch from no government agency or let alone a little help from my baby brother who is the light of her eyes, but, does not tolerate her when I send her off to him for a couple of weeks so I can breathe a little. I just don't have a life and it is getting harder by the day listening to all her nagging, complaining, etc., that she is not happy and never has been happy at all. I apologize for venting out (a little bit), but I have made a decision, If my father dies before she does, she will be moving into her baby sons house, or will be living alone. Does that make me selfish? I am tired, upset and I am starting to get sick and I'm sick of my mom to the point where I hate her. (My husband being such a supportive spouse is more patient then me. We opened our home, family, and heart to them, and my mom has only been very ungrateful and mean. Thank you

Gracie49, if she has not been totally this way lifelong, she may be lashing out from depression and it might be treatable. Sometimes setting limits and not accepting the abuse, removing attention from all criticism or complaints or making it clear that placement elsewhere is an option if she continues to complain and be unhappy with the way things are at your place will make a difference. It is probably easier for husband to keep sunny side up because its not HIS mom and she does not push all his buttons the way she pushes yours. It IS a very hard place to be, and a steady stream of criticism and negativity really is toxic...Why some of our moms feel they need to keep being harsh and negative is one of the greater mysteries of life here on AgingCare especially! Maybe they just think they are supposed to keep trying to perfect us instead of having any acceptance of who we are and what we really can do for them...maybe they realize we love them and we seem like the safest place to dump all the negative emotions they are going through, but typically that generation does not let themselves acknowlege negative emotions - so everything wrong must be some one else fault?? BLEAH!!

You are acting and behaving and conducting your life as illogically as your parents and brother. You will never steer your life if you are waiting for permission from your parents and brother. You obviously have a need for this. You have an emotional dependency on them all. I sense there is more going on here emotionally for you than you are relaying. You have ambivalence and guilt, I have heard. But there is a definite need for approval on your part and perhaps redemption, as you described their verbal abuse of you and how they judge how you(and your brother) have conducted your life.

Gracie,
Why can't your parents afford to live on their own. If their income is so small there is all sorts of help out there for them. Can you find the strength to go out there and find it?
Are they competent to live on their own with minimal supervision from you and some financial help if necessary and I stress needs not wants.
You say you gave up your profession but it can often be picked up again or take some re-training. I picked up mine again at age 58 and re-joined the workforce. of course they probably won't agree but it is your home so set the rules and tell don't ask your brother what his obligations are, take the to grocery store once a week, some Drs appts etc. there is often transportation to senior centers etc. You don't need to grow a pair just use the ones you already have.

To Arthur,
I hope you did not miss that bus! Way to go!

Arthur you need to check out another Aging Care thread, "the caregiver and dysfunctional families how are you doing". It has been helpful to me, families that can work together through all of this are extremely rare. Yes, you need to get back to your life and try to strengthen it.

another thought, would they pay you to care for them? It sounds as if they have the resources. Siblings may have a hard time with this because of impact on their inheritance. They may feel that you are receiving free room and board, but would you be there if you weren't needed?

Rather than taking on the responsibility of making and sticking to this decision yourself, it seems to me you have another very simple option. You say you are expected to take your parents to doctor's appointments every week. What you need to do is have a very frank talk with one or several of their doctors - particularly their primary care physician. I'm guessing he/she doesn't have a clue what's going on, but wants the best for all concerned. Be totally up front when it comes to the oral abuse and your parents' states of mind, and what all of that is doing to you and your own marriage. Then have that doctor tell your parents what has to be done for them to be properly cared for (i.e., sell the house and get into an assisted living facility).

This is a medical situation. Most of our elders trust their doctors' opinions, even when they don't like hearing them. Research facilities in the area, and get them reestablished in one. Or, have that same doctor recommend and contact one for you. I'm betting all will be happier with the results.

As for selling their house: You can't do that for them unless they give you legal power to do it, which it sounds like they aren't that inclined to do. Again, if their doctor insists on their moving, they will have to let someone have that power - whether you or an uninvolved party. The latter might actually be better, since they won't then be able to come back and blame you for the results. Sure, that option will cost. However, the price will end up being far less than you're paying now emotionally. So, just step up and take action - however difficult. It's time.

I'd say simply get out of dodge quick and don't look back!

Dear Arthur, please know that you are not alone. I also have an irrational, abusive parent and relatives who try to guilt me into spending the rest of my life living with her and attending to her daily needs. Do yourself and your wife a favor, take care of yourself FIRST! Call the social service department in their area and tell them the situation. You will be surprised how common your situation is even here in the states and the social service agent will ease your mind. They deal with this everyday. So GO HOME and do not destroy your marriage and life.
Change your ways, do what you feel you must by telephone or email with the authorities if you feel you must. I speak from experience as an only child. If they can, some parents do " eat their young " and feel no remorse. I doubt if they were any different when they were raising you but aging is no excuse for their behavior anyway. Also, there is free or cheap mental health counselors that can help you deal with any guilt and help you strengthen your marriage. GOOD LUCK and a hug to you.

I have arrived in NY this morning, back with my wife. It came down to only 2 choices, choose my parent's or my wife.
Can the legally hold me responsible for abandoning them ? After all my brother lives two blocks away from them and his children will inherit everything. So is there any reason that I should feel guilty about leaving them ?

Arthur, thank God you are back where you need to be and thank you for telling us!

But, realize also that your marriage could still die if you cannot refocus on it and come to some sense of peace or confidence in the fact that your parents had no right to destroy your family. You cannot possibly go on feeling bad that you cannot do the impossible, which would have been to stay with your parents to please them and your brother, and to do right by your wife at the same time. I think some of the other posters pointed out you are too fearful and too desperate for everyone's approval, which there is no way that you can have in this situation. You must decide what is right and do it without looking back; you can wish you could be in two places at one time, but realize that you cannot. Unless there is some odd legal contract or rule or regulation that would tie you to your parents, and then the thing to do would be to get an eldercare attorney to advise you. We all hope so much that you can continue to see and do the right things and give your best, then stop feeling tormented about it. May God bless you and give you strength!

Arthur - as Eric Fromm wrote about many years ago, women by majority tend to have unconditional love whereas men in the majority tend to love "conditionally". It is certainly one of the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus phenomenon that make it difficult for men and women to come together in there thinking. It's one of the things that make women seem more sensitive, and men seem less so, even insensitive.

As I read your posts, I observed how those roles seem to have flipped when it comes to you and your wife. You appeared sensitive, nervous, floundering, tentative, basically paralyzed and unable to make a decision and move forward. You were acting from a place of unconditional love toward your parents; whatever nasty behavior they were exhibiting made no difference; you couldn't see beyond that to protect yourself and your relationship with your wife.

Your wife, on the other hand, was the one experiencing conditional love in this case. After all, YOUR parents are not HER parents, she could clearly see that their demands upon you we're destructive, toxic, and wholly damaging to your marriage. In, other words, she was able to more quickly get to the bottom of the fact that your parents need to control you and tell you what to do was damaging her "nest" that she thought the two of you had decided to make out of mutual agreement.

Well, now you are appropriately back with your wife in New York. You we're forced by your parents and their behavior to choose BETWEEN them and your wife. On your own, had they been able to be reasonable, YOU wouldn't have had to make that choice. You did the best you could, more than some men, sons, would have ever done, and you owe them nothing more.

The sad thing is that they are older, most likely one or both suffering from dementia and cannot make your lyrics tional decisions anymore. But they are still wielding control and you have no power over them at this point in their life. Because of the indifference of your brother and governmental agencies to step in to interfere with the path you're somewhat deranged parents have opted to take, how could YOU expect to influence the situation.

NO! You're right! There's NO WAY you could and even though you may internally FEEL a twinge of guilt because you are that rare and unusual sensitive guy, you have to let that go because, in the long run, THEY weren't going to let you help at all in any way that made sense.

Your wife obviously was attracted to this sensitive guy that you are and married you because it. I, for one (and I bet other female caretakers -- who struggle with caretaking on their own because their spouse refuses to help or helps marginally -- what it meant it if they were telling the truth) would have given a lot to have a caring guy like you in my life. Now is the time to focus on your wife and your relationship together. Pick up the puzzle pieces of your life and put them back together. Get a job, get a car. Those are superficial things. Praise your wife for standing by you and show her great appreciation for not judging you in the direction of moving away from your parents and toward her. As you learn and develop your emotional backbone to cut the apron strings with which your parents tied you so tightly to their hips, you should show your appreciation daily that your wife had the strength not only to stick it out with you but also help you achieve psychological sanity.

All is well! Thank you "Mrs. Arthur" ! ! !

corrections ...

suffering from dementia and can't make LOGICAL decisions anymore

to interfere with path YOUR somewhat deranged parents

I bet other female caretakers -- ... -- WOULD ADMIT IT if they were telling the truth

show her great appreciation for NUDGING you in the direction

Thanks everyone for your thoughts, I really appreciate all of you taking the time to write your thoughts and comments on my situation. I am amazed at how many responded. I will have to start from square one in building up again where I left off. I am fortunate to have a very understanding wife and we both are in excellent health, thank God. I consider the whole ordeal as a temporary setback. I will find a job and carry on. Thanks for the needed support to everyone, God bless all.

I understand your pain believe me. I too have given up my life to take care of my 93 year-old mother. The huge difference is I did not move away from my husband, my mother moved in with us and believe me that is not easy either. I am 70 and my husband 74 so we are not young either and she is demanding, selfish and does not care one bit that we have given up everything. She hates air conditioning and complains constantly about being cold at 75º and the TV is so loud we can't hear ourselves think. She has early dementia and is just old and mad about being old. We have had to cancel our vacations, don't go out to dinner or to visit friends and she could care less and also refuses to go into any facility. Makes me really not like old miserable people. I can not offer much help but I think you should return to your wife. Seems with their monthly income that should finding care for them should not be so much of a problem.

Lea-
My folks too are always cold. I finally decided to ask the doc about it and was told as we age our skin thins and the skin is our first defense against temperature changes. And if blood pressure is low that can be another cause of being cold. I always make sure there are blanket throws and sweaters handy. I can be absolutely sweating while they are cold. Ahhh, the joys of growing old!

Dear Arthur... God Bless All Caregivers! Although it is a thankless job, it can be rewarding at times. I concur with everyone's comments here, but strongly releate to "Perserverance" as they are spot on with their advice.

However, I am going to jump to a conclusion and say although you can walk away, it will weigh on your mind if they are okay. They have been very fortunate to have been able to live independently in their own home this long.
As a caregiver currently to my elderly parents who live with me as well as my 95 year old aunt who passed two years ago, I told them all that my obligation was to see to their health care needs and keep them safe.
With that in mind, I offer a few more suggestions - but I do live in the States and are unsure of your availability to these services:
1) Contact your local elder care association; or social security office; or county social work office - find out if they have an Ombudsman program. An Ombudsman is a trained volunteer who can advocate for you parent's care as you cannot be physically present. They communicate with you and act on your behalf.
2) Set-up an emergency call button/alert service so if they can receive immediate emergency care should they fall, or suffer a medical condition at home.
3) Alert neighbors to check on them... a phone call or take a newspaper over to them. Someone that you can contact in the case something is not right (e.g. you can't get a hold of them).
4) Talk with family/friends who have elderly parents and find out where the credible nursing homes are located. It would be heartbreaking to have the State come in and move your parents into any home and use their savings towards minimal care. Use their home investment to get the best care they can receive.
5) Where I live they are many organizations that have home services for the elderly so they can age in place. They don't provide medical care, but can help with household chores, laundry, meal planning/preparation, shopping, etc. This can allow them to stay in their home longer.
6) Be sure you have all necessary legal paperwork completed (Power of Attorney; Living Will; Wills; and Health Care Proxys). Again, you have no say if it isn't in writing.
7) Thank your wife! I constantly am thankful for my husband and his understanding. However, your wife has been quite patient in your situation.
8) LIVE your life with peace of mind and know that you did honor your father and mother.

Again, God Bless you during this journey.

It's a fine line, but you need to live and enjoy your life, too. When you're asked to live your life for someone else that's too much.