I am my 95 year old dad's sole caregiver, 24/7. He's got dementia and cancer. I see all these commercials on television about Christmas sales, Christmas shows, concerts, etc., and it just sounds so foreign to me right now. It's just my dad, and me. My son lives out on the west coast. My siblings either have their own families, or the single ones aren't interested in celebrating here with dad. Mostly, I'm just so worn out. Seems like the only way I know what day it is - is when to take the garbage cans to the curb! I've always been so happy to celebrate Christmas. Now, I just wish it would hurry up and go by without having to celebrate it.
However I am grateful to the Lord for any and every small blessing. And thanks to God....I look forward to being with my husband once again when it's my time.
I've learned that big losses bring me closer to God. And there I have found peace. That's Christmas after all.
It's hard to get in the party mood, isn't it? If all I have to contribute is my recent caretaking, near-death and crossing over experiences, I just stay away until I can envision myself talking about something more positive.
AND, as caretakers, aren't most of us hyper sensitive to other people's feelings and don't want to be a "wet blanket" at festivities?
We're invited to my brothers and I hope my Mom decides that she doesn't want to go. For the first time I won't coax her into it.. I'll be happy to use her as my excuse not to go!
If there is an upside to not being able to join in the parties and the razzmatazz, I think it's the reminder that Christmas is about the world's redemption. It's not about overspending, overeating, hyperactive/hyperanxious children, getting drunk and saying things you later regret on top of your hangover.
I completely sympathise with that hollow feeling of being left out in the cold. We can't go anywhere and none of my siblings will come here so I have to distract my mother's attention somehow. I plan to spend the day spoiling her rotten but I haven't quite figured out how - it's amazingly hard to know what people would really like when they've spent their lives fruitlessly trying to please everyone else.
The other mosquito buzzing in a tiny corner of my mind is that I didn't, after all, point out in plain terms to my brothers that they haven't spent Christmas with my mother for six years and this could be their last opportunity. Too late now. I'll just have to hope there will be more and better ones to come.
We're not alone. I propose we all drink a toast - even if it's in cold coffee or Diet Coke - on the day to our "friends on the Forum." Merry Christmas, every one!
This time of year can be very hard on caregivers, even more so if you're the one who always planned the family holiday for everyone else, which is also common, it's another caregiver attribute. Being a full time care giver is draining. I like the idea one person had of somehow getting a day to yourself, even just one as a treat. What I did this year to try to keep myself from getting too depressed, I didn't put up a tree, there was no reason to, but I got a few poinsettia's to put around the house, and some battery operated candles (they're safer when you're distracted by so many other things). It gives the place as much a Christmas feel as a tree and presents and a lot easier, even made dad happy. I cut back drastically on gifts, I just flat out told everyone (adult children), I just can't do it and that's it, that helped, things to keep in mind for next year. To be a good caregiver, you have to take care of yourself, you just do, you have to find time for yourself, treat yourself in some way and you have to be able to get a break which is a must, any way you can. And sometimes you'll probably have to be very creative to find a way to get that break, but like I said, it's a must.
Overall we as caregivers are going to have moments of sadness, good memories but they make us sad, sadness from simply not being able to move on with our own lives, which only those who have lost and caregivers can understand. I often ask myself why? Why have things turned out like this? There is a reason for everything, and some day we'll know why, so do the best you can with what's placed at your feet, whether good or bad, hardship or not. Do not be heavy hearted, for those who have taken on this responsibility carry this heaviest burden for a reason, carry it well. But do not forget to love yourself, there is nothing wrong with that, take care of yourselves. Hugs and a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you all.
Lav this will be a sad time for you. mom is where she needs to be,
Tex let him do what he wants. he's a big boy and responsible for his own actions.
CM enjoy that wine and share a little with Mom
Emjo I know you will have a way to find Joy
CarolLynn. I know you have your own ways of finding Peace even through pain.
All those paid caregivers. Enjoy the time with them. Even the miserable ones appreciate all you do. You are an anchor in stormy seas.
I"ll get to others after I have posted this because it will disappear unless I post
I am my husbands caregiver and its just him and I. One son and the 3 grandkids live on the opposite coast and cant afford to come, not I can afford to fly 5 people here and put them up in a hotel.. Even if I had the room for them it would be too much commotion for my husband.. My other son is out of the country with his job thru February, he and his wife live 2200 miles away and she is going to her family for the holidays. The grandkids, all teenagers are the only one that got a gift, cash their favorite.. I sent no cards this year,and the only decorations are a couple of artificial wreathes on either side of garage door! I really am not feeling it at all this year..
THO our elder attorney who prepared our DPOA's called me yesterday to invite us to her farm for Christmas dinner.. I cried with her being so thoughtful. The only problem with that, is she will have a houseful of friends and clients that have no families to celebrate with and the noise of all talking etc will be too much for my husband. He just cant deal with too much noise, too many folks talking at one time.. Its also a 2 hour drive (she drives that every day to her office). So, I am thinking about it, and told her I would let her know.. I had not spoken to her since this past summer and was overjoyed to tears that she even thought about us.
I have become so thin skinned and jealous of folks that live "normal" lives. Dont get me wrong, I take very good care of my husband, and really dont mind doing it he wants to take a ride today in the car and we will.. I plan a few day trips a week, sometimes just to bike trails with him on his mobility scooter and I riding my bike and the dog runs with us. For some reason the past couple months I really miss how life USE to be very much.
So glad like others that I am not alone.. I suppose its like the old saying "misery loves company"..
But we will all get thru the holidays one way or another, because we have to for our loved ones we care for.
Merry Christmas to all. :)
the hardest part for me was Christmas cards, wish it could have passed on that this year, I did cut back, but as usual the first 3 you get are from the group you cut! ...and gifts...I bit the bullet one evening went online and ordered everyone on my list an edible gift from a USA small business, that made me feel good as I cannot take the crowds of shoppers anymore. All in all, although it is hard for each and everyone of us caretakers, we have to keep our spirits up, move on over to their world every day and believe me it will work out. God Bless Us Everyone and Merry Christmas to all.
Christians celebrate God taking human form, walking among us and teaching. And the truth is that God takes birth in each heart as we enter the world and His presence can be felt by all who seek Him within. This is our true birthright.
Read aloud the story of the holy birth to your father, fully focused on it. If your loved one is capable of it, let them read it aloud. Listen to religious Christmas carols and sing along in place of suffering the agitation of TV. Or at least find something uplifting to watch and mute the commercials.
What you seek is not outside you. Focus on your heart and that peace which passes understanding and never changes no matter what our circumstances are. And may all the blessings of Christmas be yours. Amen.
It took me longer than usual to get my house decorated and I still have to wrap presents but I'll be damned if I'm going to let negativity ruin my holiday! My family and I love Christmas.....I'll just let mom sleep in on Christmas morning like she does every morning (did this last year)....and she can open her gifts whenever.......it is what it is..........
Why not put up a wooden Santa with a large target on his belly!
Count the bullet holes on his belly and add these to your list of blessings.
May you find Peace
But, like others said, maybe you need to make a special day just by trying to do something nice for yourself. We put lots of pressure on ourselves to have Christmas, do happy things, meals, etc... but skipping it and trying to make a "me day" (as much as you can when you're busy taking care of someone else) is an alternative. If you like candles, get the electric ones, or scents, they have ones to put on light bulbs, and I mention that because candles can so easily be knocked over by the one you're taking care of, in many cases. Could it be that you can afford a special meal that marks a special day for you? Maybe those pre-made meals from the store, just to give you a break from cooking, if you're doing all the cooking? What could you do that you could afford that would take just a little stress and work off your shoulders? That's what I would pick to do and it doesn't have to have anything to do with a calendar/religious holiday but a mini-holiday for you.
But, then, if you're worried your siblings will insist you do it "for Dad" just tell them that you're too tired from taking care of him. If they're remotely willing to assist, you have two choices that I can think of:
1. They can invite you and Dad over, if they are close-enough and Dad is able to travel. You shouldn't bring a dish or do clean-up because you'll still be watching Dad even at their house, most likely. Don't take on any extra responsibilities or it defeats the purpose.
2. They can bring something to your house. You did say they don't seem interested in spending Christmas there, but if they stopped by for a visit with a plate of cookies and you all threw on a pot of coffee, that's just a little something. And the benefit of that is that, without them all in your kitchen, you then don't have to clean-up.
Jesus is the original and supreme example of what a careGIVER is: Someone who sacrifices (gives) themself with no looking-for nor guarantee of a return on their sacrifice. He offered His light to all and in return He asked that those who partook of it tell others about it, to LOVE one another.
When you are feeling low at Christmas, you feel somewhat of what Jesus must have felt every day of His life. Ironically this places you at the heart of Christmas, not outside the door.
Jesus has been there and done that. And through those who partake of His light... IS there and IS doing that. Yes there is suffering!
Draw some strength from Him , (Jesus understands suffering, loneliness and despair!!) then get-up, go -out and give some more!
Lost my husband last March to Liver Cancer. I really just feel like being alone this holiday and resting. Nothing to prove or fake. Just some silence and my cat.