Mom was placed in AL last summer. This after a couple years of much stress, heartache, physical, mental & emotional toll. Now I find myself wondering what will it take to feel like my old self? Or is "she" gone forever? I have no desire to even visit Mom anymore. I am just so burned out. And so very sad. Yes, I'm on antidepressants and seeing a therapist.. I do feel somewhat better. At least I am participating in life again to a certain degree. But, I'm just not "me".
I remember when people joked about Prozac as a "happy pill." No. Appropriate antidepressants are "normal pills." I have major depressive disorder, and I've had a few episodes of needing antidepressants. They just help me feel like me. I'm not happy all the time. There are things to legitimately be sad about. But my emotions now are a reflection of who I am, not of a person I don't recognize. For example, I worked from home and dealt with colleagues over the phone. One week I cried talking to my boss, and was sarcastic to a coworker. This was so not professional, so not me. I knew then it was time to seek treatment.
I suspect that dreading seeing your mother is "not you." Is that right?
Again, I congratulate you on dealing with the depression. Keep that up! It won't make the caregiver issues go away, but it will help you deal with them more authentically as the real you.
I wish I could tell you it gets easier. For some, I'm sure it does. But, I feel like a wreck most of the time now. I stopped taking care of myself and I don't sleep. I don't eat properly anymore. I've stopped exercising. Sometimes I think I'm slowing trying to kill myself. I know it sounds harsh but I'm being honest here. :(
Well it is now 1:41 A.M. so I should attempt to sleep. My husband who is wonderfully patient, kind and good..hasn't had the pleasure of my company in bed for almost a year now. It's just easier to sleep separately than to fake it...if you know what I mean. It seems that aspect of "me" is gone too. 😞
My mother died nearly two years ago, and I am still unable to be away from home - it's even a different home - for more than a couple of hours without feeling that I need to get back. In case. In case of what, I couldn't tell you. I'm just very uncomfortable not being in the place where anyone who needs me might expect me to be.
How would you say you are coping with your feelings about not wanting to visit your mother? I don't mean that you "should" feel one way or another about it; and it certainly does seem a good idea to give yourself a proper breathing space after what must have been a very rough time. But for you the final big change is still ahead. You can't really wrap things up and leave them behind you just yet, which must make the feeling of limbo even harder.
And I am still so tired. Lost a lot of sleep during those 7 years, and it shows. Now I don't feel like doing anything. I know people say take care of yourself, but it was tough, it got to a point where if I saw another doctor's waiting room I was going to scream.... so I put off all of my doctors, plus the pets didn't go to the vet for their "senior wellness exams", either.
I am also seeing a talk therapist, I lucked out, she is around my age and had to deal with elderly parents, so when she says "I can related to that", she really can related.
Currently I am keeping busy working on a family tree... oh how I wished my parents were still around answer to answer tree questions. How is your Mom's memory? It would give her and you something to talk about.
I'm so sorry to hear how you feel. Its tough. We caregivers struggle along for a very long time before a decision is made about AL or NH, but once its made its still very tough. I think its takes our minds and bodies to adjust to a new normal.
I don't think as caregivers we can ever go back to our old selves again. 5 months since my dad passed, I have this question and now I am realizing there is no going back. I have to find myself again and I honestly don't know what that looks like right now.
Glad you are looking at different treatments. Maybe consider talking to another therapist or having another doctor review your meds if you feel like you are feeling more and more lost.
Continue to take time for yourself and try to find even small things to be joyful about. I know its easier said than done, but that's what I'm doing. I still have terrible guilt about my dad's passing. Thinking of you.