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I have lived and worked overseas for the past few years and just got back earlier this year, and have since then had the responsibility/task of taking care of my grandma thrust upon me. She's on my dad's side--and my dad passed away a few years ago and her husband a couple years ago as well. Her daughter (my aunt) lives out of state and is supportive, but my grandma still is mentally there and is extremely stubborn so won't entertain the idea of an assisted living community. However, she's developed macular in one (or both?) eyes and should not be driving. She also has difficulty reading and problems with her hearing. I'm working two jobs and working on my Master's degree. I feel selfish wanting to keep my time off as time off rather than driving her to wherever she needs to go...and I'm frustrated that this is somehow my "problem" now that I'm home. I have a brother who lives about 30 minutes away, but he says it's my responsibility now because he did it when I was away. She's very active at her church (2 minutes from her house) and has a sister nearby, but her stubbornness makes her nearly refuse to ask them to drive her around. I can feel myself withdrawing and growing more resentful with all of this...but then I feel like a huge jerk for not being more willing to help out my grandma.

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Your Aunt should be the responsible party. How is it that you feel compelled to take this on? I don't blame you for feeling this way.
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swqurk97, I can totally understand your resentment. Even though I truly loved my parents I held a lot of resentment that they didn't plan for this stage of their life, and didn't want to part with a dime to help make their life easier.

One time my Dad asked me to give up my career so I could help more around their house and drive them to more places. It was then that I asked my Dad if he gave up his career to take care of his parents or my Mom's parents. He said no, and never asked me again.

My parents had a wonderful fun filled retirement for over 25 years, and here I am now at 70 and the stress from caregiving has damaged my physical and emotional health, forget any fun filled retirement.

So, set boundaries as soon as possible, wished I would have done that. Just because Grandmother doesn't want to move to an elder housing, that is her choice, not yours. Independent Living apartment would be great for her since she is so social, she could meet other ladies just like herself. Then if she needs more care, she can add an extra level of care. Then later down the road she can move over to the Assisted Living side of the complex and still have all her friends.

Make a list of everything you do for Grandmother, now cross off half the items, now cross off a couple more... now take that short list and don't add anything to it. Just say to Grandmother "sorry, I just can't possibly do that".

It's tough getting old, if Grandmother can't drive any more, then get other relatives to help drive her, or set up a taxi service that offers senior discounts. If Grandmother refuses the taxi, then she stays home.
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Swqurk, I live 600 miles from my elderly parents, I'm the last child living (Well, 62 year old child) and I'm the sole caregiver. There are 3 adult grandchildren that live within minutes of my folks but I can't imagine asking any of them to become caregivers to my parents. The g kids are good people and can do some favors or deal with emergencies but that's all I would ever ask. They are all busy with young lives, kids, jobs, school. No one this age wants the burden of caring for old people. Hells, Bells, neither did I but I'm all that's left of the kids.

I am the son. It is my cross to bear.
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Windyridge--
I think it's because I live the closest to her out of everyone. She'll call weekly and ask me to drive her around on a bunch of errands (typically about 3 hours) and I feel guilty because if I'm not busy and she needs to get somewhere, but it unable to because of her vision...that I should help out.
But my aunt and mom have both said that I don't have to...but when I get calls once (or sometimes multiple times per week) asking for me to take her places--doctors appointments, shopping, etc.--I just feel bogged down.
I've started saying "No" more, but then...I don't know...what if she really needs to get somewhere. What if it were me?

Well, actually, if it were me, I'd move into an independent living center with free transportation, but she refuses. She refuses point blank to move from the house she's in (she's lived there her whole married life and wants to die there because my grandpa died there).
She's not very adventurous either, so I can see how moving to a center would be difficult. She tries to take me out to lunch afterward and to make this our "bonding time", but I'm just not interested. I'd rather help out of my own willingness and good-will than out of a sense of obligation.

My aunt (her daughter) also tried to get her to move in with her (out of town) because she has an extra bedroom, but my grandma apparently got angry and mentioned again about staying in that house.
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And as far as the taxi situation (we actually have a free one here that takes seniors to places like Walmart and the bank)--(or even an Uber) and she refuses that as well because she doesn't know them and/or trust them.
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Windyridge--
How do you provide care from 600 miles away? (Genuinely curious)

My aunt is about 5 hours away and is in frequent contact with my grandma, but she (gma) often hides the truth about what doctors say and how serious problems are. I don't typically mind helping with the doctor visits though, because I like to see what's actually happening.
I just don't like that this has essentially been dumped in my lap as soon as I returned.
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I've written this before and I think it applies in your situation as well. There are two people in this relationship - you and your grandmother. Each's desires, wants and needs must be considered. At this particular time, yours aren't.

In any relationship of two people or more, each has to make some sacrifices so that a balance can be achieved. Grandma isn't making sacrifices, nor is she planning.

You can help her make the sacrifices while simultaneously planning: limit the number of trips. Help her make lists; if it's hard for her, list what you do for her, when, how often, and what purchases she needs. Then make up a list which she can check off when she needs something.

Make the requests and driving weekly - no more spontaneous interruptions.

You have a right to refuse to be a chauffeur. The trips need to be consolidated. That's the first step in setting boundaries and establishing what you will and won't do.

And don't feel guilty about it. Many of us have gone through this.
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Your grandmother certainly is entitled to want anything she wants. She can want free transportation from someone she trusts. She can want to stay in her home. She can want bonding time with her local grandchild. She can want her breakfast delivered in bed every day, and someone to draw her bath and dry her off with soft fluffy towels. (And while she is at it, she might as well want her vision back and to be able to drive.)

But wanting doesn't make it so (or I'd be on several cruises each year.)

You, too, are entitled to have wants, like private time and uninterrupted down time. You are in charge of what you want and what you are willing to do to get it. You are working two jobs. You obviously know that what you want in life doesn't drop automatically into your lap.

You have no obligation to fulfill Grandma's wants. I'm guessing that one thing you want is some kind of relationship with this woman rather than estrangement. What are you willing to do to achieve that? It sounds like three hours a week providing transportation is beyond what you are willing to do cheerfully. Would one hour a week work for you? Would one hour every-other-week be OK? Would no driving but lunch twice a month be OK?

Or maybe I'm wrong and you really don't want to have a relationship with this woman. That is a legitimate decision.

Once you know what you want regarding your grandmother and what you are willing to do to achieve that, then establish clear boundaries. Maybe that means GM isn't going to get everything she wants. Maybe she'll have to accept rides from strangers, for example. As GardenArtist says, successful relationships involve compromise.

As a personal note, I have some relatives I wouldn't be particularly eager to have bonding time with. But I did bond with my father's mother. I spent time with her, I helped her find garments that had nearly stopped being manufactured, she took me to the state fair when I was a child, and I took her when I was an adult. We wrote letters to each other. But by the time she was in a nursing home I was busy with my own young family. I am very grateful that she was a part of my life and she will always be in my heart. But I deeply regret that I didn't spend more time with her in her very old age.

Decide what YOU want. Decide what you are willing to do to achieve it. Then set appropriate limits.
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Swquark, to answer your question, I call each day and make the trip as needed usually about 4 to 6 times per year. Luckily I'm retired so I'm able to do this. Mom has multiple health and mobility issues and Dad has dementia but they still get by (barely) with mom directing operations from her command center. (An electric lift chair).

Your grandma, my mom and countless other elders are all the same, stubborn, don't want to leave home, don't want strangers in the house, you know the drill. I used to beg, plead, try and trick them, anything, to either get in home help or move to assisted living. No way.

It's counter intuitive but we tend to enable elders in this stubborness by caving in and taking care of every need, people move in with elders, build an addition on the house, or feel they must spend all day, every day at the nursing home because they feel guilty.

We have to pull back a little. I used to go crazy cleaning, cooking, fixing, shopping, driving, trying to buy some decent furniture, get meals on wheels, and they love it when I'm doing it but NO OUTSIDERS!

This is the fact that all caregivers have to face at some point: We can only do as much as elders allow. (Assuming they are mentally competent). And, there will be a crisis eventually that forces the issue of home help or facility living. It may be a fall, surgery, or a dangerous level of dementia. At that point elders just have to do some stuff they don't like. Tough love.

So like many, I'm waiting my folks out. I've pulled back a little. I know they don't eat very well, the house needs a good cleaning, and mom will have falls. And this stuff won't change even if I lived next door.

It sounds like you have good relationships with all the key players in this situation. Start talking this out with the other relatives. Start saying no if you have to. Help you grandma as much as you have time for. But your life comes first. Don't get trapped by guilt and the expectations of g ma and others.

When this all,started for me after the deaths of my siblings I was very clear with my folks. I'm not leaving my life and moving home and I'm not moving you guys in with me. I may move them near me when the ship finally sinks, and I'll make sure they are cared for but I'll keep my life.
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I cared for my dad and mom in my home. They are in their 90's. My dad just passed. He had altzheimers, which was a challenge for sure. My mom has a good mind yet but has arthritis so limited mobility. it did impact my life having them live there. They have been there for 10 years. Again my dad just passed at the end of October. What I was heading toward before my dad died was having a care giver coming in 2-3 times a week for about 4 hours. I found one for 10 dollars a hour. I would suggest this to everyone. She helped my dad get dressed etc. I also had her take them out to the park etc. This gave me some freedom. They resisted this at first but once we found someone who was warm and caring my mom and dad loved her and it was okay. I feel that with the elderly they may say no ad it's not what they are use to and so they fear the change but do it anyway as thy may warm up to it once they experience it. Ac are taker can run errands with them and eat out etc. It's company for them. My brother comes over to stay over night when I travel. I then have the sitters some days during the day during this time as well. There's also a senior center near here that I had them going to one or two days. They provided free transportation to and from it. They also provided lunch and field trips. Again they said no st first but I visited s few enters and when I found one that seemed inviting and friendly I chose it. Found out wen they played bingo as my mom loves it. They celebrate birthdays so that a party to go to for them etc. My mom stopped going as my dad got worse with altzheimers but after the holidays I will take her back there since my dad passed. Look for other options if family doesn't make themselves available.
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Caring for the elders in our families and community should be apart of our lives. However it shouldn't dominate it. Give your grandma once per week for a couple of hours. Fit in what you can. Tell her the other options she has...friends, church members, taxi, even your brother. This is a healthy balance.
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When my grandmother became too much for mother to handle alone, we had a little family meeting and each of us chose a day to be "in charge" of grandma. we either just called her to check on her, or took her places. We knew that, say. Wednesday was "our" day. I lived my life "around" my day with her. Often, just a quick visit, a trip to the store was plenty. Sometimes it was all day (which, with my small kids along, was usually pretty short, though she loved them to pieces and they all have fond memories of her). I know mom had Sundays, and one other day, but there was enough family around that we only had one day to "worry" about. Many days she was content with just a long chatty phone call.
Maybe you and Aunt can come to a similar place. Hire caregivers for the remaining days, if needs be. Grandma ALWAYS had a housekeeping service, so that was never a problem. (Money can smooth the way so much!) This way none of us was burned out. Towards the very end of her life, yes, we were ALL burned out, but it didn't last long.
For grandma, having a calendar marked with whose "day" it was, made her NOT call the others.. We'd call a day in advance to see what the next day would bring and then just went with it. Worked well for our family.
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Midlife, I just love that idea! Swquirk, I just thought of another idea. Maybe you could see if some of tge church members or her sister would call and ask gma, "to come along and help" as they do errand, get groceries, etc. It might be a way to make her feel more comfortable and she could "pick up a few things" too!
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U don't say how old Grandson is? Maybe it's time for a sit down. Make up copy of ur schedule for week or a month. This may show her how busy ur. Explain that u understand her limitations but that you "have" to work and u are furthering ur education to be able to better ur job position. Explain that ur willing to put some time aside for her errands, but u can't be at her Beck and call. She needs to make a list of what these errands are. Before you do this, find out what services are available for her. Taxi would be great for doctor visits. Senior bus for shopping. Here in town the driver goes with them to help. People tend to take the easy way, which is you. If she wants to stay in her home, then she needs to be independent as possible. If she has the money, she could hire someone. Redcross has volunteer drivers for Dr. Visits. Not sure about running errands. Take advantage of what is out there. If this works out u can fit in some lunch. U could explain ur getting overwhelmed and u need her help.
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I have a friend whose health has never been it's best. At 67 her health is more like 87. Problem, she is always crying "por me". She is here own worst enemy. She has to find someone to drive her to all her appts. I suggested the bus, she told me she applied but never got an answer. Really! Besides being a senior she is disabled. Should have had no problem. Told me she was turned down for a ramp outside her apartment, what! Thought there was a law in place. Actually, I think she is lying. Suggested she get Medicaid to come in and evaluate hr situation. No, she doesn't want a stranger in her home. For me, that was it. If u can't make the effort...
Yes, she has two sons but they don't seem to want to do anything for her. Maybe they have a good reason.
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I think you should have a talk with her sister and possibly her church's pastor, and possibly see what's available as far as other transportation. And inform her that if she doesn't want to be cooperative she may need to go to assisted living or a nursing home. Of course a person has to have some funds for some help and transportation. If she's afraid maybe a anxiety medication would help!
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I also feel that it isn't going to help having two lives ruined---yours being the longest. A person can only do so much!!
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Congradulations for being a caring person - your main responsibility is to maximize your income potential for your retirement - the fact that your grandmother is still active & alive shows that you quite possibly will reach a good old age & need saving too thus need a basic income to start with

Grannie's wants are her wants but that is not in stone so tell grannie that you have x number of hours [outside of exams] that you can fit her in & how does she most wish to maximize them - so if it is 6 per month then select the most important ones you can fit in [dr's app't, foot clinic's etc] - get your aunt to give when she has free time -

If you have 2 jobs & going to school then maybe grocery shopping etc is better & auntie does app'ts because that would be less structured - while you love her & want to help unless she [grandma] is paying you enough to give up 1 job [NOT LIKELY] then you need to work to live & if she needs to take a senior taxi once or twice a week then let it be

YOU ARE SECOND GENERATION not first [you dad & aunt] so your responsibility is lessened so it is auntie who should come up to snuff - tell her you can give help for x hours a month & ask where the best is - maybe every other week take her[grandma] to grocery store [AND DO YOUR OWN AT SAME TIME to maximize your time- 2 cart ...you pay your own] then drive her home & help put some items away especially frozen & fridge items then sit & have a cup of tea & do 'us' time for a while - if you need to bring a cooler for your items

If you only take her to do chores then you will not get to talk about her best friend when she was 8, her maid of honour, her memories of her grandparents or her best things she remembers about her husband, kids and life - sometimes that is even more important
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My sister and I are the sole caregivers for our 99 year old grandmother. My Grandpa passed away many years ago, then my Dad, their only child passed away a few years later. Our mother and grandmother did not get along and my mother was not willing to care for her, so here we are, in a time in our lives where we should be enjoying our empty nests and our grandchildren, but much of our time is taken with our grandmother.

For years, until we placed our grandmother in a dementia facility, I resented my mother for not pitching in and helping, and she stands to inherit 50% of the Trust. But I finally came to the realization that my grandmother has outlived her entire family and all she has left is my sister and I. That realization gave me a new perspective and compassion for her. What time we have left with her is no longer a burden and I look back now and appreciate all the years of giving up my own time to care for her and be with her.

Enjoy your grandmother, even in these tough times of you being the only one available and whom she relies on because she won't be around forever.
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Psalms 116, what a tribute to your love of family. I also feel that way...we take total care of my mom, in stage 7 Alzheimer's in our home. We also Watch over my mother in law, write checks, take her to run errands, etc. She lives a block away from us. Yes, we give up some things, but you can still squeeze in stuff. We built and amazing play area in the backyard. Grandkids never want to leave and beg to come over...they are my relief. We are restoring an older travel trailer...someday we will travel. I work from home and have a meeting in office on Tuesdays, keeps my mind active. The example of how to care for our elders is being set for my children and grandchildren. They come help with my mom and take the other gma out once per week too. This is how family should be.
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I don't understand how YOU got stuck with all of this! You are still young, I assume, and are entitled to live your live without dancing attendance on a rapidly declining senior citizen. The other relatives have to get involved. Things will go downhill someday so fast your head will spin. .... The thing that jumps out at me is this old woman has terrible eyesight and is STILL DRIVING? That is a tragedy about to happen, please take the keys away - lose them - she should NOT be driving....It's too damn bad she wants this, she wants that, and all the rest of her friends and relatives are jumping around to prop up what is basically a puppet show. Man up, draw some lines, get others involved, pay others, it doesn't matter. You don't want to either be responsible or find yourself way older changing a dementia patient's diapers and making bananas in jello three days a week.
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Thank you thank you for all the great advice.

I had no idea what kind of responses I'd get when I first responded.

As far as my brother, he's 26 but acts like he's still a kid. That's a whole separate story in itself. He says he's "too busy" to help but has major prioritizing issues in general.

I think I'm going to go the route of backing off a bit because I do think I'm enabling this type of behavior by agreeing to take her places out of guilt.
Even when we're together, we don't talk about anything of importance (like mentioned above--weddings, memories, etc.) She has poor hearing (and refuses to get a hearing aide) and often talks over us/takes over the conversation because she can't hear the question and doesn't want to ask us to repeat it.

I think I also feel a bit used (hence the resentment) because we didn't have that great of a relationship anyway (just obligated to visit when I was younger with my parents, lack of deep conversations about anything) and then all of a sudden I'm back in the country and now I'm needed.
I know she loves me and stuff (have always gotten birthday cards and phone calls), but there's just a lack of depth there that I have with my other grandma.

Anyway, thank you again for all of the advice. This has been really therapeutic just hearing about everyone else's situations and just getting this all out.
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Dear swqurk97,

Please don't get sucked into this vortex of swirling chaos. I promise you that the more you do the more gma will demand of you. It's something I have read over and over again. I am in a similar situation with my mother. It is sometimes so unbearable that I go outside and scream just for release. Take some time and read the caregiver burnout posts. Time after time I read these very sad stories of people who ruin their lives trying to give the person all they want. The trouble is the list of wants never ends. You keep thinking "ok, once I get this settled all will be well for a while and I can rest a bit." BUT NOOOOOO. All is never well. A new thing pops up as soon as you fix the previous crisis. Please, please, please get some information for your grandmother about assisted living, in-home care, taxis, etc. Make a list of what you can do, and tell her what you can't do. It will feel scary and bad at first but I promise it gets easier. My mom is a master manipulator and I have managed to set some limits. Good luck and let us know how it is going.
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