My MIL and SIL stay with my DH and I in our very small two bedroom home along with our two children. It's definitely not enough space for all of us and I frequently find myself wanting to run away. The caregiving role was pretty much forced upon me. My husband and I would argue about it forseeing it would happen and I would always let him know that I didn't want it. I would feel like a terrible person saying this but I knew the stress that comes with caregiving and I'm an introvert who needs my space.
Well things have happened to where her health declined and she's forced to live with us. I'm beginning to feel overwhelmed and weighed down. Not only am I helping with the caregiving but I'm also a new mom to infant twins. I barely sleep and I still have to get up every morning to a full time job. I feel like my husband tries to do his best but our relationship is not how it once was. His main concern has been his mom for the past years and we have no time for romance. It's hard to even try to be intimate sharing such close quarters with my MIL and SIL. Basically I had to give up our babies room so my MIL could have a room of her own. I will say my MIL is a sweet person and I never had a negative relationship with her nor with my SIL but things are different once you live with a person. Again I'm an introvert who needs my own space.
I feel like I'm always on. I never have a moment to myself. When I get home all I want to do is relax but I'm immediately tending to the needs of either my babies or my MIL. We all try to chip in but it's hard and I feel like I'm wearing myself thin. My husband and I have only went on one date since last year. I feel like all we ever talk about is his mom and her health. I'm always tied to the house because its 24/7 care needed for both her and the babies.
I cant concentrate at work anymore and afraid I'm developing insomnia. I just dont know what to do and feel so hopeless like my marriage is over. But the thing is my husband is a good person that's why I feel bad. He has always been a self proclaimed "mamas boy" which I thought was cute initially, but not so much anymore.
There are things he has done that has also made me feel less important. For example when his mom would wake multiple times at night he and his sister would take shifts to tend to her but it was not so with me and the babies until I mentioned it. I gave up my bed for my MIL and slept on the couch or even the floor sometimes, all while I was transitioning back to work, until I decided to let the babies sleep in our room so she can have theirs instead. I could go on and on but I'll cut it short.
Basically I just feel emotionally drained and wanting some normalcy back in my life. I dont know if our relationship will ever get back to where it was. The intimacy is dead and I'm sad about that yet don't know how to fix it. Am I being selfish for the way I feel?
Why is SIL also living with you? Is she the one who takes care of MIL in your house? Who takes care of your twins?
This situation is untenable. I assume there's no money, so your H feels obligated to take care of his mother (and sister?).
How long have you been married? How long have MIL and SIL lived with you?
Is there any end game in sight for your husband? Or does he think this is always the way it's going to be?
We all try to help each other but of course more work falls on the me being the mother of twins. My babies are also breastfed and I'm also dealing with frequent night wakings still. Though my H has stepped up once I got on him about it.
Been married for 8 years and this is a recent occurance, 5 months or so that they have lived with us but the attention and time has always been greatly divided for about 3 and a half years now. Even spending nights away caregiving or staying the night at the hospital with MIL while I'm home alone tending to our twins.
I dont know if there is an end game. He says that it wont be like this forever but I guess until she is healed it will continue but who knows how long that will be. He has always wanted her to live with us even before becoming extremely ill. I've always been against it knowing it would be too much to bear. Yes their financial resources are limited so he does feel obligated but I'm becoming more miserable by the day. I feel bad knowing that the finances are not there for them to move yet it's just becoming more on me than I ever expected.
What's the prognosis?
We are still doing treatments and hoping for the best. So far she's lived longer than the prognosis.
What kind of caregiving are you helping out with for MIL?
The twins should be your reason for backing out of ANY help with MIL.
You say you are all hoping for the best, and that your MIL has already survived longer than expected. Treatment continues. She has become sicker and is now more immobile.
Um. What is the best, do you think?
The thing is, with so much on the family's plate - in fact, let's just list that quickly
Four adults
Twin infants
In one small house with two bedrooms
One adult with cancer, needing high level care
Two adults - either of them trained? - providing that care
Any other health care support?
One adult, nursing mother, working full-time
- so, quite a lot to deal with there; and you long for some normalcy. Yes, I can imagine you do, and I would guess you're not asking for much: just some signs of hope, some green shoots.
Not to mention some rest, at least a decent night's sleep in your own bed.
So no I can't agree that there is anything selfish about how you feel. The question is, what small changes could you make that would help you feel better straight away?
This isn't forever. I know it feels like it when you are in the middle of it, but you too know that it isn't forever. Looking ahead, say, twelve months, what would you expect to have changed by then?
Move your twins into the master bedroom with you. Make the master bedroom your private room for you and your twins. Knowing that you are an introvert means that you are aware of how draining interacting with people is for you. And everyone needs to respect your space.
Do what you need **first** so that you can be there for your twins. Your twins need their mother to be healthy and strong. You need to be healthy and strong to get through this ordeal. You focus on you and your twins.
Your husband is an adult and can do for himself. He can cook for himself. He can clean up after himself. He can be the caregiver for his mother. He's checked out of his marriage and parenting his twins and that is an unfortunate choice on his part. However, you cannot make his choices your problem because your twins need their mother.
Only by acting might your husband understand that you have changed your priorities. And your priorities must be yourself and your twins. Let your husband deal with his mother and his sister himself.
Put your own air bag on first!! Only then will you be able to help anyone else. That's not selfish, it's real. Check out "respite" care houses in your area, there might be small, privately run senior care homes that are great for giving short-term care/lodging to folks who are usually cared for by others at home. This enables the primary caregivers to take a break, go away for a few days. I know this is not a long-term solution for you, but you need a break. Do you have a sibling or close friend who can take the babies for a night, and can you get MIL settled for a day or two at such a place? Then YOU go somewhere- to another friend's house for a sleepover? If you can swing it, a hotel is even better. If you want to have a "date" with your husband this way, great. But even better that you do it just for yourself, and be BY yourself for just a short break.
I wish I had an actual solution for you. I'm glad to hear that your husband stepped up to help care for his children!
I will say H does clean more and cooks and he loves our children. We both work full time (MILs sister comes from another town close by during the day to take care of her while we are all at work) and we all get exhausted. He is not a bad H though sometimes he can be clueless lol. It was and is hard to adjust from it just being him and I when we were free to do and go wherever. At least with children we can take them out with us but since my MIL is currently bed ridden we can barely catch a break. We are always stuck home. I miss our romantic relationship.
I help with changing her and adjusting her on the bed. She also doesn't like to be alone so she likes me to hold her hand alot. So when I'm not with the boys I'm with her. But she and my SIL are very sweet people. When I first made this post I needed a really good vent I thank everyone for their thoughtful suggestions. It really helps to know people understand. I do agree I need to start putting myself first now so I can continue to be there for our twins.
I hope you don't injure yourself doing this. You have to stay strong and limber to take care of your twins! Do you ever get ANY time to yourself? My goodness...working fulltime with twins?! What about you?
Is there a plan for when MIL dies? Is SIL going to continue living with you?
Do you also take your twins to daycare? If so, then THEY deserve all of your time and attention once you get home from work.
You didn’t ask for any of this. Kind of dumped in your lap. Perhaps it’s time to take a step back, view advice from others, take what you feel is relevant. Discard the rest. Is there a social worker from your MIL’s hospital that you could speak with?
Social workers deal with issues on a regular basis and are trained in finding solutions. Best of luck to you and your family.
I hope you get your life back soon. It’s so hard to feel stuck. I’m in that situation too. My mom lives with us. Trying to sort it all out too. Hugs!!!
To his credit he did warn you that he is a boy and the odds of that changing are pretty slim. As sad as that is, I think it is more common in this day and age of so many absentee daddies.
You have some decisions to make and they will not be easy and either way everyone looses. How does he expect his children to grow up with no space to call there own? They are going to take up much more space as they age and that seems to happen overnight.
I just had a thought, does mom and sister have any income? If yes perhaps you can find a used travel trailer that can be parked in your yard and provide mom and sil a bedroom and bathroom. We gave our old one to friends that use it as a guest bedroom. Even a 14 to 18 foot one can be modified and have beds at each end. Or money and space considered you can get a larger one that has a living room, small efficient kitchen with a full bath and room for 2 twin beds.
You can not function well without proper rest, something needs to shift and unfortunately that might mean you and your children getting away from the dysfunction going on.
Just curious, with 2 of her children present why are you being pulled into caregiving for her, your children come first, period. She or her children can care for her needs while you are mom to your babies.
I am so sorry that you and your babies are in a position that is so difficult.
No wonder your Marriage is falling apart....By the way have you told this to your husband? He really needs to hear you say it.
No, let me repeat that NO!!! you are not being selfish.
I doubt anyone could all that in a 4 bedroom house let alone a 2 bedroom house.
(and let me guess..4 adults, 2 babies and ...wait for it 1 bathroom right?)
Do you have any hair left? I would have pulled mine out a long time ago.
A few suggestions and I am sure some have been mentioned or will be.
If MIL and SIL have funds they NEED to go. Assisted Living, Senior housing whatever works. If there are no funds they check with the Housing Authority in your area for low income housing.
Application for Medicaid if that is needed. For both if possible.
Another option if this is at all possible and you want or need to keep everyone together you need to move to a larger house.
Any funds that the MIL and SIL have can be put to their housing expenses, so a portion of the mortgage, food, all bills so that you are not financially subsidizing them.
Push come to shove...and I HATE ultimatums if you can move out with the twins. This will get across the point that you can not tolerate the living situation as it is and that something needs to be done.
If possible talk to your doctor about counseling you are under a great deal of emotional stress and you need to sort how much you want to take.
She is still able to bathe (she is now forgetting the soap) and walks with a walker. What I do is let my husband do 90% of the work. When he is not home, I keep an eye on her and feed her. That is it. I don't have children and we are both retired but still it is his mother and the responsibility should fall on him not you. We are now getting 15 hours a week of home care and are able to take time for ourselves. Try getting Medicaid for her. Start now, the process takes forever. Good Luck. Your children and husband come first, that is what your husband should think too.
-MIL/SIL share one bedroom (the guest room)
-SIL sleeps on the couch while MIL takes 2nd bedroom
-SIL/MIL move into their own space due to overcrowding
-Hubby sleeps on couch
- You and the twins move to a hotel for a wk while hubby takes care of Mom (maybe he'll come around then)
-Hire in home care for overnight/ daily shifts for MIL
- Look into facilities for both MIL/SIL, follow thru on getting them set up.
Hope this helps you dear, good luck!
It seems you are burned out!!! Before my husband and I agreed to let his mom (whos has Alzheimer's) live with us, we both agreed that if it started affecting our marriage and our health we would place her in a Assisted Living Facility (ALF). We felt guilty about it until I posted on this forum. A lot of times the focus is on the person who has the condition and not on the caregivers. The caregivers need help and support too. Your marriage should always come first!!!! PERIOD!!! Maybe you should talk to your hubby and see where he stands or try counseling. I applaud you for what you do, but you're only human and can do so much. You have beautiful babies that you have to look after also. If you don't take care of yourself....you're not going to be able to take care of anyone else. Please seek help, especially for your marriage. I wish you all the luck!! You are a true Gem!!!
I know how hard it is to take care of someone you love and having to watch them die one inch at a time I am on my 3rd time around caring for someone I love, but I am by myself for the most part. It took me and the doctor 3 years to find the right meds to help my mom sleep at night. That way we all can sleep at night. Maybe try to have a family meeting and ask everyone to wright down their schedules. Using a calendar come up with who does what and make sure everyone has down time and family time. I am sure your husband is feeling things that you don't see or know about. So start talking to each other. Utilize friends, other family members and your church to help out with down time. Talk to the doctor about helping your MIL sleep at night. You said your MIL was a sweet lady. How horrified would she be it she understood that she was taking precious time away from her grandbabies?
Visit local accomadations, I myself am 95 years old, let others take care of the physical and housing, just be there for genuine love and concern.
He's been helping out every night now with the babies, and if there is a medical emergency he tries to remain close by to be available for us and our needs. He's always keeping me involved with decisions, letting family who visit know that they will not be allowed to come one day out of the week to make it our "rest" day.
My SIL will be moving once everything has settled, tbh her being with us is turning out to be a help because she has now been doing more of the care giving recently at night, so H can help me. We honestly all do have it tough. I even opened up to SIL about how I was feeling and they both have been helping me more with the babies. They even told me to not feel obligated to help with the care giving. He acknowledged the sacrifices I've made and he is making steps to have just us time.
For down time I will be going more to my dad's place to catch a breather. I was truly beginning to crumble from all of the stress, but thankfully feel like things are easing somewhat. Time will tell.
Us caregivers have it so hard, but we do what we can for the people we love, but it shouldn't go to the point of risking one's own health. I'm learning each day that I have to take it easy on myself, especially since I have two little ones who need me. And I can't always try to be the perfect daughter in law, my babies come first, and even then it's OK to use a break. I have made it know to my MIL that I love her, but somethings I can't do anymore. I was getting myself physically sick putting so much stress on my body.
For now it's a give and take. I've accepted the fact that right now living arrangements are how they are. There's no way they could afford living in the expensive area of California that we live, but I have made it known I'm going to focus on my heath and self. My Husband is in agreement with this and will make ways for me to have my time, he even booked me a massage session. I believe we are making steps in the right direction.
Keep those lines of communication going and you will be able to survive whatever life throws your way.
I hope that your MIL receives a miracle and gets a full healing.
You are blessed that your family cares enough to hear you.
I think the beginning of it all really through me off and it wasn't planned to the best that it could be for everyone during the move in. In the beginning I definitely felt like I had the shorter end of the stick and felt I needed to keep quiet due to the delicacy of the situation and it all built up inside of me, but I've learned it's OK to speak up, and yes I feel blessed that they took it so well.
You are so sweet. I appreciate your kindness and hoping for a miracle more my MIL. Many blessings to you.