Recently my husband, son & I moved to another state, for what I thought would just be to help his mom settle his grandparents in an assisted living facility. Thwn we would be taking over their house. When we arrive his mom is not there & is in fact living with his sister in the neighboring state. His grandparents are in their 90's & should not be living on their own. Grandma has dementia, is incontinent, and is too frail to do anything much on her own. Grandpa has heart issues, diabetes, is also incontinent(but won't admit it & rarely agrees to wear depends) & is having memory issues I think will lead to dementia. I have been taking care if both of them for everything. When I ask about when we will be getting them settled in a home; my husband just says he talked about it with his mom, end if subject...His mom came to visit for Thanksgiving & as she is nearly blind, deaf & disabled with rheumatoid arthritis; I took care of her too! I hate to sound ungrateful, as we will be eventually inheriting the house; but, I was never asked to be the sole caregiver, maid, etc. I feel like I was duped & I think my husband feels the same way, but he's being the good son/grandson. I love his grandparents, but I feel like an unwilling servant.
The first thing that needs to happen is that you need to understand that unless there are loads of assets aside from the house ( thing high six figures in CDs, stocks, investments), the house will be liened by Medicaid to fund grandparents ' care in a facility. So put out of your head the idea that you are "taking over" their house.
Go to the Money and Legal tab and read up on Medcaid. Get yourself and your husband to an eldercare attorney to draw up a caregiving contract for now. Make sure you have POA for finances and healthcare, if grandparents are still competent enough to execute them. Call the Area Agency on Aging and find out what free or low cost services they are eligible for.
And figure out for yourself what you are and are not willing to do. Make it clear to your husband that this is an ill-conceived plan that you want no part of.
Gosh every time I write this sort of thing I feel like I sound mercenary but it is a sad fact that if you give up working to care for relatives and are not paid for it by them then unless you are financially sound, you could find yourself in financial difficulty later on in life. Pfffft to those who say it is a privilege - his grandparents did not raise you or have any input into your development it is therefore a job for you not remotely a privilege
Take Babalous advice asap!!
Is your husband helping at all?
I think I would not only draw up a contract for payment, but for very specific duties of who and what you'll do, and limit the caregiving; you can't take care of both grandparents and his mother when she comes. That's just plan unreasonable.
Start interviewing caregivers and people to clean and make it clear that you're not going to do this. You'll have to take a stand now before your husband begins to side with his family and you really becoming a human work horse and as the friction escalates.
Don't be afraid to stand your ground as well. There are other posts here of women who'd been co-opted into caring for their inlaws, and their lives have been ruined in the process as they've turned into Cinderellas, literally stuck scrubbing floors for years as they're trapped into virtual bondage. Yes, I'm being overly dramatic, but some of the situations discussed in other posts are close to this.
Sure enough now he understands as years later my parents are paying out of pocket for Mom's long-term-care facility, and out of pocket for Dad's caregivers which both totals to $30k a month. My Mom, even though she is on Hospice, could live another couple of years this way. And Dad is still going strong.
If you were laid off because of a disabilty, that is against the law. I would see an employment attorney about that!
As I asked initially, WHO is doing the planning here? You want to make sure it being done by someone who is cognitively competent, financially savvy, and that it's being done with the advice of a lawyer who understands the Medicaid issues that may be involved.
Don't know go down this road of " I heard that if you......the NH can't take your house".
The nursing home/Alf doesn't "take" the home. If Medicaid is paying for granny's care and granny has an asset, they want to be reimbursed after her death. They put a lien, a legal claim on the home for a dollar amount equal to her care. With nursing home care here in the Northeast running $10,000 a month and up, that adds up quickly. I'm over simplifying this, but this is the general idea.
The fact that neither you or your husband has any legal authority over the grandparents is another trap. If you have to "wait" until your MIL and her daughter come down to "sign the paperwork", it's another way of trapping you in your situation. This all seems calculated and plotted to me.
And if the grandparents don't have funds to pay for care in a facility and have to rely on Medicaid, depending on how long they live, you may or may not get the house, if that even was the intention. You wrote that you would "eventually be inheriting the house."
If Medicaid doesn't lien the house and take it, you have absolutely no, NONE, NADA, promise of getting the house unless there are specific legal documents to this effect.
You've been manipulated and scammed by your husband's family.
Turn the tables back on the family - write them, either by e-mail with read receipt or by letter sent certified, announcing that you're making other arrangement to move out and they should step up to the plate and take over care of the grandparents.
And as Babalou advises, focus on your own lives; consider suit for being relieved of your job b/c of disability, use the unemployment comp you're getting to refocus your life and get out of this situation....and don't look back.
Good grief, Opalessence. I don't meant to be harsh here, but WHAT were you thinking when you made this move? You were indeed extremely naive and you and your husband were most definitely manipulated by his Mom (AND sister). Your sister-in-law KNEW her Mom was living with her. Your mother-in-law is nearly blind, deaf and has crippling arthritis. Did you really think she was taking care of her parents?
GardenArtist is correct. You will be inheriting nothing, NADA, without the proper documentation and that documentation must have been executed over 5 years ago for Medicaid not to "look back". They will most definitely be putting a lien on any house for reimbursement for cost of care of Grandma/Grandpa in a nursing home. Set up caregiving payments? Perish the thought. No one's going to be paying you anything. Your Mother-in-law/sister-in-law will be taking their sweet time "coming down" to deal with this situation. You are stuck between a rock and a hard place.
And if the house is now in your husband's Mom's name, does SHE have a will naming you and your husband to get the house? Where are the copies of these wills/documentation? Have your actually seen these with your own eyes?
Follow Babalou's advice PRONTO. Get in touch with a competent Elder Law attorney. Make no mistake -- these attorneys will cost you -- but excellent ones are worth their weight in gold.
You were sold a bill of goods, Opalessence, and your husband either willingly or unwittingly went along with it. If you were the main breadwinner and are now disabled, what does your husband do for a living now that he's relocated half way across the country? If he's working now, then it's YOU that will be caregiving for Grandma and Grandpa. By the way, you cannot be laid off for being disabled. That's against the law. This is a hornet's nest. I'd advise you to extricate yourself and your husband from what will be a gigantic burden (financially, physically and emotionally). Get an Elder Attorney NOW. Good luck and let us know how you're doing.
Also...
How is all this affecting your son?
What happens to you and them if you become too ill to care for them?
Do you have a work history and savings for when you retire?
You need out of this situation and fast.