Dad lives 60 miles away, he's 84. Mum died suddenly just over a year ago.
Care agency carers go in twice a day, and he has home help 2 -3 times a week.
Recently when I call he is very grumpy and when I ask how he is he just says 'bloody awful' ... he's sleeping a lot, and other than porridge for breakfast he is chasing to hardly eat, yet if he comes to stay with me he eats well.
I am struggling with my own grief following mum's sudden death, Ive a hectic lifestyle, a husband and 2 boys.
I'm convinced that his grumpy outbursts are reserved only for me - my sister gets none of them as she hardly calls.
Any sage advice?
Sage advice? "Sorry to hear that, Dad." "That sounds hard." "What's your plan for that?"
Don't try to manage his food intake or get him to do anything different. If he's of sound mind, he gets to eat porridge and nothing else. Limit the amount of time you spend on the phone and visit if your presence isn't helping. Your own family needs you, and they should come first. You can't let him drain your happiness and energy.
Hang in there.
Yes he is guilt tripping you because he can. He doesn't guilt trip ur sister because she can't be guilted. I am one of 4 and the one Mom always tried to make feel guilty. My brother called her the martyr. Dad does not seem to have any serious illnesses. Of course he is depressed, he lost his wife of many years. She probably did everything, so he is kind of lost. But you are not her and you can't take her place. What do these people do that come in 2x a day? What does the home help do the 2 or 3x a week that they come in? Does he allow them to do what they are there for?
Its ridiculous for you or him to think that you can drive round trip 2 hrs a day to meet his needs. Tell him you understand he misses Mom but he cannot expect you to take her place. He needs to rely on himself. Go to the Senior center and meet some new friends. See if one of the aides can get him out of the house.
I like when he complains ask him what he is going to do about it. Because Dad, I can't be there 24/7.
Welcome to the forum. I’m sorry for the loss of your mom.
About dads attitude towards you and sis, if he is like many elders I have a few thoughts.
I suspect you are the person who organizes dads helpers which although he probably knows he needs them, wishes he didn’t. You are apparently “in charge” so it must be your fault he is old, his wife died and he has the various women in his house who can’t cook like you or your mom did. 🙄🤔🤨
Without mom, his days are empty.
Sis, I’m assuming, is not the one doing all the work. She is company. She is to brighten his life. With her he can pretend his life doesn’t suck. She’s not all wrapped up in running his life. This is called “show-timing”.
His attitude and behavior are so very common and aggravating to you. You are trying so hard to help him and he doesn’t appear appreciative. Check out the link below on show-timing.
Poor guy. He is probably depressed and his situation is depressing. When my DH aunt was asked why she was going to bed, she would say, might as well. It wasn’t like her and an antidepressant really helped her.
Your dad might qualify for home health through Medicare. They would check on him weekly. His doctor would need to see him. Tell the doctor before the appointment what is going on so he can assess dad for depression. Medicare pays for a depression screening once a year. The Geriatric Depression Scale, is a list of yes/no questions that you can read over yourself and probably help you decide if this is what is going on. It’s on the attached link.
Also talk therapy and/or grief support might be helpful. Medicare will pay for therapy if you can find a therapist who accepts Medicare.
Let sister know how much dad enjoys her calls. Share with her these links so she better understand what you are dealing with.
https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/psychology/geriatric-depression-scale
https://coping.today/what-does-showtime-mean/
One last thing. Get dads weight on a regular basis, like once a week. Jot it on a calendar. This will help you judge over a period of time If he is losing weight and how much. This will be helpful to his doctor.
I’m really not much on taking meds but an antidepressant might help you as well. it’s helping me.
Big hugs and Happy Mother’s Day.
Get him more help and the depression screening. That seems to be part of the issue.
I would suggest to detach yourself from his cranky feelings when he expresses them. Say something like oh or I'm sorry and change the subject. Your dad is the only one who can help himself out of his own bad mood. Don't let him indulge the wrongheaded idea that it's your job to do that AND be his whipping post.
It’s hard to see our parents unhappy and upset about their circumstances. Please know that you have done your best to care for him.
Your family is your first priority, so there isn’t a reason for you to feel guilty. You can’t be in two places at one time. Your dad has help to care for him.
Perhaps he is lonely and would benefit from more socialization. Would he be more content in an assisted living facility? What were his interests before your mom died? Could he participate in activities at a senior community center?
If he relies on you, then naturally you are going to be the person that he lashes out at. Your sister isn’t involved in his life and isn’t around much.
People tend to lash out at the person they are closest to.
I’m sorry that you are catching the brunt of it all. Has he always been grumpy or is it just since your mom has died? If he has always been grumpy then you can’t expect him to change at this point in time.
Wishing you peace as you continue on in your caregiving journey.
The word "guilt" has attached to it responsibility. So it is the wrong word.
You aren't responsible. You didn't cause this. You can't fix this.
The word "grief" is so much more appropriate. Your dad is suffering and his pain is causing pain for all who love him.
You feel hopeless to come up with a fix, and the truth is that you HAVE come up with a fix in that he is receiving care.
Be a bit more easy on yourself. There is reason enough to pain, grief, helplessness in our experiencing and witnessing the hopelessness and loss of end of life. There is no "fix-it" for this. You aren't omnipotent. I am so sorry for the pain of you all.
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