Feeling really bad as a caregiver the guilt is overwhelming. I had a an argument with my Mom about some issues. I raised my voice at my Mom and my Step-dad. My Mom started crying but she cry's easily if she doesn't get her way with her husband or me anyway. I apologize saying I am so sorry that I got upset and asked for their forgiveness repeatedly, but the guilt is killing me! Please tell me is it normal to have arguments sometimes with an elderly parent you care for. I even said I am leaving and can't caregiver anymore I feel so ashamed. I could really use some advice.
I find the best way to make up after an argument is just to apologize for being disagreeable. Then forgive yourself and forget about it. Probably no permanent damage was done.
Never in the my life had I ever raised my voice to my parents, but I got so frustrated with my Mom after my Dad had a heart attack. Mom didn't want Dad to go into rehab, she could care for him at home... good grief, at that time Mom was 91 years old.
So sig other and I brought Dad home from the hospital, he could barely walk. Mom said for Dad to sit in the recliner which was on the other side of the room... no way could Dad walk over there he was so weak, so I dragged the recliner to the other side of the room. Oh no, Mom didn't like the recliner there, it didn't look good in the room... I raised my voice "Mom, THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU". So the recliner remained in that new location for over a month while Dad recovered. I felt so guilty raising my voice. It wasn't until much later that I realized that Mom was scared.
That was 6 years ago, my parents still are doing fine, still living on their own, but we still get into some snits, but they are pretty much low key.
No caregiver is perfect. I'll bet all of us have said or done some things we regret.For your sake and theirs you need to get past it.
Guilt can sometimes serve a useful purpose. Since you feel this terrible when you lose your patience with your parents, perhaps you can work on building up your patience stamina. I don't mean that getting impatient sometimes is unforgivable ... just that working on that characteristic might be a good thing.
Your mother was "lying." Are you sure? People with dementia (including the cognitive impairment that can go along with Parkinson's) sometimes say things that are not true, but that is different than deliberate lying. Perhaps leaning more about her disease would help you be more patient. Do you think that is possible?
Again, this isn't the end of the world or the end of your relationship. You've apologized. Forgive yourself and move forward.
Plus, what you told me earlier on another thread about your mom stuffs religion down your throat does not sounds very good either. I am glad to know that you are going to get some respite care and move on for your own well being.
I wish you well.
As you said above, that she has lied a lot since you were little. I know a few people like that. Some are in my extended family. It's almost impossible to deal with people like that. Trust is a huge issue.
I did some research on people who lie a lot, often about nothing important, a few times and discovered that it's a complex mental health issue and short of professional help, there isn't much you can do to change it. I hope you don't keep blaming yourself. If you mom is a chronic liar, then perhaps hearing it did make her cry, because she knows it's the truth and that must be very painful to accept. It's normal to be frustrated with someone like that. I wish you all the best.
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