I'm looking for some feedback on a particularly distressing living situation.
I'm currently living in my elderly mother's condo (paying rent, buying my own food, preparing my own meals as well as helping with household chores, doing all the internet based correspondence and financial transactions.
My mom is current experiencing which seem to be aspects of MCI (impaired short term memory, mood swings, bouts of intense anger – sometimes rage, and struggling with issues needing logic, reasoning and planning to resolve. There may also be undiagnosed depression and anxiety.
Since the day I moved in (as I'm on social assistance, have medical issues and am struggling to work, this was my only option) things have been tense, with frequent arguments some of which have escalated into violent (non-physical) rows. Part of what drives this is the fact that she's now basically housebound, as she is limited to using a walker (bad scoliosis is a key reason), and only leaves the condo for a couple of hours every other day to shop, get her hair done or go to medical appointments. The condo is a small, confined space, her movements are often unpredictable, and I'm struggling to avoid accidentally colliding with her as I'm concerned about injury.
I should point out that she's planning to move into a seniors residence some time in the new year (not sure of the date – I think it's at the end of January, but it's not yet set in stone. After she moves out, I will continue with the same arrangements (living in the condo, paying rent to her as well as managing the payment of utilities, condo fees and taxes. If this isn't obvious by now, finances are not a concern – and for this I'm grateful.
I feel very fortunate to have a roof over my head, given the atrocious rental market in this city.
It's also important to emphasize that I've read many posts on this forum about the folly and almost inevitable misery that accompanies from living with elderly parents. I cannot emphasize enough that my moving in with her is a financial necessity at the moment – in no way would I choose this option if I had others.
As time passes, I am steadily feeling more stressed and feel like my mental health is being severely impacted by this living arrangement, and am struggling to find a way of psychologically surviving this, what I hope, is a relatively short transitional period.
While I have compassion for what is, in all probability, a harrowing mental and physical decline for her, I have other challenges, both physical and mental-health related, and am feeling overwhelmed by her almost constant demands for help and her overall mood, which is creating a joyless, tense and draining environment.
Any feedback would be appreciated.
When did you move into the condo? (You visited her 2x/week in Oct 2021.) What happened to the POA and executor issue of the estate that you were going to look into in Oct 2021?
Are you the only family member in the picture? Do you have siblings?
I agree with others that your mother appears to be stalling with her move to an AL. What about some in-home help?
What kind of caregiving help do you provide your mother? Do you fix meals, do meds, help her to get into and out of bed, on to and off the toilet, cleaning, accompany her to medical appointments...?
More positively, if your mother has ‘bad scoliosis’ she may be in a lot of pain. Has she got adequate pain control? I do, but she may not. If you can look at her xrays, which will have lines drawn through the joints and a ‘Cobb angle’ calculated, I can give you a better idea of how much pain she is likely to be in. Most pain control also provides some sedative, which might also help the situation.
May I ask how long you have been in this situation?
Full time caregiving is extremely stressful. Your profile says that your mom has several serious issues and is 92 years old.
I am the type of person that can get through anything as long as I know it’s temporary.
Stress is better tolerated when it’s only for limited periods of time. When a situation seems to be ‘never ending’ it becomes very ‘bleak’ as you have described.
It’s absolutely normal to feel frustrated and upset by your circumstances.
Being overly stressed can wreck havoc in your life and the person that you are caring for. This is when people start to lose their patience and sometimes their temper as well. You’re not alone in this. Many caregivers have found themselves feeling like they are at their wits end.
What do you feel would help you? The obvious answer to me is that you find additional help. Please contact Council on Aging in your area. Your mom will be assessed for her needs and may qualify for assistance. You will be able to cope better and mom will be cared for.
Placement at a facility is the best choice. You can return to being her daughter instead of being in the difficult position of her caregiver.
Wishing you peace as you continue on in your caregiving journey.
I've already contacted her GP. Mom is scheduled for a memory test sometime in the next few days, I believe. If needed, she could be referred for more comprehensive geriatric testing. So at least that ball is rolling. Any additional support will be good for both of us.
I am a firm believer that we make adjustments accordingly when we are in need of help. That means you, not her.
It's her house and home, stop making her wrong for not sharing or agreeing to your chosen lifestyle. It's called courtesy. You let her have her beliefs without argument.
Stop having violent arguments with her. It takes two to argue, so be the grown up, that is living in her home, by her good graces and walk away or just keep your different viewpoint to yourself.
If you don't, you risk someone calling the police and you will be the one that gets kicked out and potentially prosecuted for abusing a vulnerable senior. She is 92 for crying out loud, you honestly think you are justified in going there with her, in her home.
Living with an abusive elderly parent can be a traumatic experience. If you have health insurance, Medicare, and/or Medicaid, please use the resources available. Make sure you are healthy by going to the doctor regularly and seeking a therapist if you can afford it, and most of it can be covered by insurance.
It is good that you are focusing on the positive - that you can remain in your mother’s condo after she moves to the senior living facility. That is indeed a huge gift to be able to live and eventually inherit a home in this brutal rental and real estate market.
I know what you’re going through. It is so tough to deal with a mother who is always angry. Until she is able to move, try to get out for some fresh air and moments of peace away from her anger issues. I focus on my work, meeting with people for lunch or coffee whenever possible, and having a life outside of a toxic home.
You touched on a number of suggestions (getting out of the condo for exercise, socializing and peace of mind) which both friends and experts have advised me to do. And I'm certainly doing those things.
Just some clarification here, my mom is (thankfully) not always angry, but we've had a difficult, often contentious relationship over the years and decades (she's basically a conservative, small-town girl at heart and I'm a bohemian, big-city lefty (I'm grossly simplifying this, but it really sets out how the conflict naturally arises). With her cognitive, memory and emotional control challenges, her mood is becoming more volatile and, although I recognize the importance of detaching, not taking her outbursts personally and the folly of kneejerk defensiveness, it's still difficult to endure - even if most of this is beyond her control, which I'm coming to believe is behind most of this;
I am sorry that you are struggling with this situation. It is difficult to live with a parent even in the best of circumstances.
For one thing, too much togetherness can drive anyone nuts. Everyone needs their own space sometimes.
Have you checked into receiving help from Council of Aging in your area? They can assess her needs. If she qualifies they will send someone to help bathe her, prepare a light meal, light housekeeping, and sit with her so you can have a break. The service is free.
I am glad that your mom has plans to reside in a facility for care. Please check into hospice also.
I am referring to when the time is needed for hospice. On her profile she states that her mom is 92.
Unfortunately, some people wait until the very last minute to look into hospice care when they could have benefited from it sooner.
So to address your mental health, that concerns me more than anything as you wait to see what happens here. It's going to be very tough on you to be her chief cook and bottle washer while you try to maintain your autonomy and sanity in the process. Is your financial situation temporary or permanent in that you must live with mom? If you must stay put, then I suggest you don't argue with her and just agree with what she says. You simply cannot win with dementia, so learn all you can now to be armed as best you can.
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet which has the best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
Here is a list of a few Dos and Donts from the booklet:
The “Dont's”
· Do not reason and argue
· Do not demand that they reason or problem-solve
· Do not demand that they remember
· Do not demand that they get their facts straight
· Do not correct their ideas or scold them
· Do not reorient them
· Do not think that they are being uncooperative on purpose
· Do not think that they really do remember, but are pretending not to
· Do not use a “bossy” dictatorial attitude in care
· Do not act with impatience
The Do's
· Enter into their frame of reality, or their 'world'
· Be aware of their mood or state of mind
· Use few words and simple phrases
· OR use no words, just friendly gestures and simple motions
· Do everything slowly
· Approach from the front
· Wait for a slow response
· Constantly reassure them that everything is 'OK'
· Keep people with dementia comfortable 'in the moment' - every moment
· Maximize use of remaining abilities
· Limit TV or radio programs which they may feel are frighteningly real
· Maintain privacy
· Provide a safe physical environment
Make sure you have your own space and take time for yourself where you're unavailable for caregiving. If mom starts wandering or staying up all night rummaging around, you'll need to get her into Memory Care at that time if you HOPEFULLY have POA intact for her.
Best of luck to you. I hope she agrees to move into managed care, fingers crossed.
You also hypothesize that I may be 'at her beck and call' and so this would reduce her motivation to move on to a facility. 'Beck and call' is a bit vague - I am doing things for her (which I consider reasonable considering my future in this unit as well as getting a low-than-market-based rent. Sort of quid pro quo.
But I now feel that I'm at the limit of what I can cope with, and unlike some of the other folks on this discussion board, I won't go beyond what I'm doing now, as she has the financial resources to bring in additional support pros to deal with - what I anticipate will be - the truly unpleasant side of care (the dressing, bathing, cleanup of messes, etc.).
What has probably been most difficult to figure out is what is 'reasonable' care to give her (and of course, everybody has their own idea of 'reasonable'). I believe I'm doing so now, but some will agree and some will disagree. In the end, it seems like a judgement call - trying to balance compassion for someone who is truly suffering (albeit with some very difficult personality traits) with my own need to protect and take care of myself so I'm not drawn into this emotional singularity of negativity. Time will tell, and I'm learning new skillsets every day.
All the signs are that she is trying to psychologically prepare herself for the move. We've visited several seniors residences, and. for her, the first priority is a place offering end-of-llfe care. It's actually one of her neighbors who has driven her to these 'viewings', is encouraging her to make the move (which I think also think is necessary at this point), but she seems reluctant to commit to a definite date.