I'm living in a intergenerational home with both my parents. I am not married and have no kids. Ever since I can remember I have been taking care of my mom. When I was 12 I was the one calling the ambulances. I am now 52. Even when I lived on my own I was still the one my mom counted on. I have a sister who says she ''just can't handle it like I can'', total BS. It's her easy way out. I tell her that I'm just as scared as she is but I'm braver and someone's got to do it. So for the past 12 years I am living with my parents. My mom does not really get along with my father, so like she said and admitted, ''you took your father's place''. How much pressure is this on me? She told me that what she wanted was to live with me and my dog, just the three of us she said. I know it's sad but I'm feeling like I can't breathe sometimes....feel choked and trapped. When I have a date with a man, she acts weird. I know deep down she doesn't want me to find anyone because this would mean less time for her. I feel that from her and it's making me resent her. I also feel it from my sister. I had met someone and my sister said to me sarcastically, ''well now you'll move like you always wanted to''. I am hurt, angry and feel trapped. My sister and my mom both don't want me to have a life!!! I don't know how long I can live with this pressure. One time I shared to my sister that I wanted to have my own place. She gave me the hardest time, telling me what it was my duty to stay there. I asked her if she was part of the furniture and where the hell was she in this? She always finds ways to wiggle her way out. My parents are both in their right mind, my father drives and takes my mom out for errands. But my mom prefers it to be me, I have had depression and anxiety since age 21 and on medication. But nobody seems to care about that....Jennifer is strong she can handle this. In all fairness, I'm at the end of my rope. I feel so alone. I've thought about suicide quite often. My sister is verbally abusive to me and has been for years. My mother is totally dependant on me even though my father is there. I have tried to put limits and of course this caused tension. Even me talking about taking a trip sets off my mom and sister. Please help me someone. I always feel guilty and feel like its my resonsability to entertain her. I watch movies with my mom sometimes to distract her...but if I happen to go on my phone for a few minutes, she doesn't like it. If i do go see her just to spend a bit of time and then I decide to leave, she asks me why I'm leaving. I feel sad for her and then I'll stay longer but really just want to be in my small apartment away from all this dysfunction. Thank you for reading.
You describe a life of total sacrifice to your parents. You say that you have a history of, and current depression and are on medication. I hope that means that your Doctor has also arranged for you to have therapy. If not, that is a crucial first step.
No one on Forum is qualified to give advice or counsel on someone severely depressed and on medication, especially since you have mentioned some suicidal ideation when you are feeling overwhelmed.
I hope and believe that you have the hotline number to call when you need it -- 1-800-273-8255. Admins: I am reporting post so that you can also add your advice for those we have on Forum who express any history of suicidal ideation.
Your relationship with your Mom is very interwoven together at this point, I know you may already recognize it as being co-dependent to some extent, one on the other. It sounds as though Sister has for the most part stepped away from a situation she has no control or power over, and moved on to make herself a life. This leaves you feeling abandoned and hopeless. What your sister thinks, says or feels in this situation is quite irrelevant; she isn't acting as a caregiver, and she has moved on with her own life.
You badly need help. We cannot possibly advise knowing so little about you and your situation, and our attempts to do so could be detrimental to you in a situation we honestly don't know, aren't qualified to assess or advise on. So we are left to express our sympathy and our hope and wishes, but no skilled help, which is what you need now.
Please see your doctor and ask for a recommend to a therapist qualified to help you. My heart goes out to you; you sound miserable, and I could not be more sorry, but there I nothing I can offer, being completely unqualified to do so. Please get good, qualfied, professional help.
You have a right to your own life, but our habits run deep, and there are times we cannot move out of habitual behavior because there are times when, even if very miserable, our habitual ways provide a kind of "safety". There is nothing more terrifying than change; most of us need help when we endeavor upon a new path. Even when the rewards for it are great, changing our habitual ways of life take all the courage we have. You are not alone; there is help for you; please seek it out.
Admins: reporting post so you can provide any information the OP may need re Suicide Hotlines.
if my mom is sad that I can t watch a show with her, I say I m tired & leave, because I know I m doing the best I can, I keep a monitor in my room ,so I can see her, I do things alone in the house that make me happy, yoga, chant, dance etc…to relieve stress, I am caring for my mom ,until I can’t anymore, because she was a golden mother, if she wasn’t , I probably would have placed her awhile ago, I already told my kid, not to care for me if I get sick, fortunately, I think he’ll listen❤️
3 important words — boundaries, boundaries, boundaries,
Good Luck
So you were 40 when you moved in with your parents? 12 years is a long time, but it doesn't have to turn into 13, 23, etc. It doesn't.
You have a right to your own life, but our habits run deep, and there are times we cannot move out of habitual behavior because there are times when, even if very miserable, our habitual ways provide a kind of "safety". There is nothing more terrifying than change; most of us need help when we endeavor upon a new path. Even when the rewards for it are great, changing our habitual ways of life take all the courage we have. You are not alone; there is help for you; please seek it out.
Seek help, to help yourself untangle it all.. You deserve your own place, your own life…I wanted to leave you a comment so you know you are being heard here.. There is a path ….
Caregiving is a long difficult road, and we're happy you have found the support of others here on this site.
However, there are limits to what untrained members on our site can provide for you.
Please reach out to experts for additional support and the help you need 24 hours a day at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
Call 1-800-273-8255
Work, date, live your best life.
My heart goes out to you for all your attempts. I empathize, as I also have moved in with mum n dad (cancer / alzheimer resp), to take care of them. It has NOT been pleasant. I have my own ways of handling it, but I wouldn't say I'm coming out on top. I've spent enormous amounts of time & money on self work, books, greater awareness, therapy and meditation. Even still, I struggle with the guilt, and hurtful arguments with mom. I'm considering seeking therapy again.
What you're dealing with is level 10 emotional boundary setting fighting against who you think you are and what you believe you must do.
You aren't someone whose life, livelihood and wellbeing lays in the hands of your mom (or anyone else for that matter). Your mom's is and she is naturally anxious about it. You are your own person who has so much left to do, give, discover, create. Don't let someone else fool you into thinking that you arent.
I think you could use some aid in driving a wedge between her and your guilt, by a professional. The whole process will cause some guilt & pain, especially in the beginning, but I promise you that the taste of freedom (and revitalized energy) will come sooner than you think, and you will slowly come to see yourself as the wonderful person you truly are (impossible as it may seem at times).
:)
big hugs from me to you!
and i like this:
"You are your own person who has so much left to do, give, discover, create. Don't let someone else fool you into thinking that you aren't."