I'm living in a intergenerational home with both my parents. I am not married and have no kids. Ever since I can remember I have been taking care of my mom. When I was 12 I was the one calling the ambulances. I am now 52. Even when I lived on my own I was still the one my mom counted on. I have a sister who says she ''just can't handle it like I can'', total BS. It's her easy way out. I tell her that I'm just as scared as she is but I'm braver and someone's got to do it. So for the past 12 years I am living with my parents. My mom does not really get along with my father, so like she said and admitted, ''you took your father's place''. How much pressure is this on me? She told me that what she wanted was to live with me and my dog, just the three of us she said. I know it's sad but I'm feeling like I can't breathe sometimes....feel choked and trapped. When I have a date with a man, she acts weird. I know deep down she doesn't want me to find anyone because this would mean less time for her. I feel that from her and it's making me resent her. I also feel it from my sister. I had met someone and my sister said to me sarcastically, ''well now you'll move like you always wanted to''. I am hurt, angry and feel trapped. My sister and my mom both don't want me to have a life!!! I don't know how long I can live with this pressure. One time I shared to my sister that I wanted to have my own place. She gave me the hardest time, telling me what it was my duty to stay there. I asked her if she was part of the furniture and where the hell was she in this? She always finds ways to wiggle her way out. My parents are both in their right mind, my father drives and takes my mom out for errands. But my mom prefers it to be me, I have had depression and anxiety since age 21 and on medication. But nobody seems to care about that....Jennifer is strong she can handle this. In all fairness, I'm at the end of my rope. I feel so alone. I've thought about suicide quite often. My sister is verbally abusive to me and has been for years. My mother is totally dependant on me even though my father is there. I have tried to put limits and of course this caused tension. Even me talking about taking a trip sets off my mom and sister. Please help me someone. I always feel guilty and feel like its my resonsability to entertain her. I watch movies with my mom sometimes to distract her...but if I happen to go on my phone for a few minutes, she doesn't like it. If i do go see her just to spend a bit of time and then I decide to leave, she asks me why I'm leaving. I feel sad for her and then I'll stay longer but really just want to be in my small apartment away from all this dysfunction. Thank you for reading.
It's sounds like everyone in your family is quite sure of you. First put the mask on yourself, then help others. Your life is sacred. Please seek counsel if you feel that worn out.
It's hard caring for people you love especially with the family dynamics. I, too, was "the one" that always stood close to home. Dad passed suddenly many years ago, I was in grad school. Both grandmothers were left behind, I jumped in couldn't get any cooperation from my (2) brothers and sister to visit Nana at the NH. Dad was an only child. Let "older sis" do it. I thought about it a woman crying everyday she missed her "only" child. I hit the ground running, ordered phone with large numbers, newspaper delivery, brought petit fours, coffee each week, made sure Nana was clean had a female attendant, and hairdresser every Friday. All her needs were met. Did "unexpected" walk throughs so everyone at the NH had to stay on their feet. I was responsible for her and took it seriously. Place was lovely! She passed 18 months later, I have no guilt.
In the mean time, I have to "assist" with other grandmother who gets sick and passes 6 weeks after dad. Other grandmother lived with us. I find a realtor, sell the house, etc. roll up my sleeves, clean out the garage, yada, yada...
Basically every family is the same I don't care what nationality you are. Fast forward 25 years later repeat performance, Mom is on her last leg. She's in my room in a hospital bed, modified apt. Resources - look into every available service for VNA, O/T, P/T, home blood draw, etc. I have sensor on my door should my mother leave when I swim indoors and a text goes into my phone. You can get this with your cable carrier.
When I am in the doctor's office I study another language--Italian so as not to read magazine's about Hollywood starlets getting divorced. I work remotely at night. The first check I write out each month goes in to my pension. My roots are done every 6 weeks sometimes myself other times a salon.
I bought/treated myself by buying an inexpensive violin and am studying music from home. Use all of the delivery services possible--food, prescription, clothing and make sure you look nice everyday--clean clothes, makeup, etc. flowers.
Church Eucharistic Minister come every Sunday with Communion and Bulletin. Keep Mom attached to the Community. Maintained a group of friends mostly via phone because of the Pandemic.
You have to save a piece of pie for yourself. It's hard when it's dementia because loved ones are vulnerable almost like a child and because you love them. You can do something different even though other's aren't treating you the way you would like. For example when sis calls I always give Mom the message. I don't pick up the phone anymore for her when I see her on caller ID. She is welcome here anytime but always finds an excuse. I babysat her children so she could work full-time. I took every Friday off during the Summer for years. I had just assumed their would be some reciprocity. I was too available all the time even when baby sis was going to divorced then back out. When she shows up, "baby sis" I go out the back door, go swimming, read, and return when I see her car heading out. I leave homemade soup on the stove because I want to for my sis but I am not going to be a doormat anymore.
I ordered a Caregiver's Guide and I pray everyday, and have a steady routine. I no longer do "overreach" with my siblings but I haven't cut off ties either as I don't think my parents would want that. I had to decline invitations for gatherings because when I worked weekends I had no more paid time off because I was always the one that showed at the bedside at the hospital. It was usually 2 a.m.
I think I am making myself clear. I hope I gave you some hope. You sound
like such a wonderful person who is probably being taken for granted and again should seek counsel.
Read the replies here, they're really good. Therapy is not a bad word. There's a big world out here and time for you to take a look around and get away from these people. I've had no contact with my father for years. He's not a nice person and no need for me to ever think he'll change and have "a come to Jesus" moment in his life. Nope.
You're not alone, this seems to be a large group. Hang out, write more and let us know what has happened!
1. Not everything your sister says is true.
2. Just because your mother wants something doesn't mean you have to do it.
Write those two thoughts down on a piece of paper; next time one of them says something, look at it to remind yourself of those two facts.
My heart goes out to you for all your attempts. I empathize, as I also have moved in with mum n dad (cancer / alzheimer resp), to take care of them. It has NOT been pleasant. I have my own ways of handling it, but I wouldn't say I'm coming out on top. I've spent enormous amounts of time & money on self work, books, greater awareness, therapy and meditation. Even still, I struggle with the guilt, and hurtful arguments with mom. I'm considering seeking therapy again.
What you're dealing with is level 10 emotional boundary setting fighting against who you think you are and what you believe you must do.
You aren't someone whose life, livelihood and wellbeing lays in the hands of your mom (or anyone else for that matter). Your mom's is and she is naturally anxious about it. You are your own person who has so much left to do, give, discover, create. Don't let someone else fool you into thinking that you arent.
I think you could use some aid in driving a wedge between her and your guilt, by a professional. The whole process will cause some guilt & pain, especially in the beginning, but I promise you that the taste of freedom (and revitalized energy) will come sooner than you think, and you will slowly come to see yourself as the wonderful person you truly are (impossible as it may seem at times).
:)
big hugs from me to you!
and i like this:
"You are your own person who has so much left to do, give, discover, create. Don't let someone else fool you into thinking that you aren't."
When she came to live with us I knew I had to create some "rules" or she would continue to control and steamroll me. As another poster said, boundaries is an important word.
I'm not going to lie, it will be tough- very tough at first. You'll feel guilty. You'll feel like a terrible child. You'll feel like you're abandoning your mother. But you MUST put your foot down. And guess what? Your mom will live. She will also learn to live with that line in the sand that you've established.
Bottom line, if you don't establish those boundaries, you will completely lose yourself and your sanity.
Once you start with that first firm boundary and say "no, I'm not going to do that", it will get easier!
You still have a lot of living to do. Don't let your mom continue to live your life for you because she's not happy with hers. Don't let your sister guilt you for trying to live your own life or verbally abuse you. Talk to someone who can help you take that first step on your way to putting your foot down. Whatever you do, do not take your own life!!
Maybe stepping out on your own will give your mom the push she needs to be responsible for her own happiness and find some friends and hobbies of her own. Right now she has you to fill that void since she doesn't get along with your dad.
Please keep us posted. I wish you all the best!
if my mom is sad that I can t watch a show with her, I say I m tired & leave, because I know I m doing the best I can, I keep a monitor in my room ,so I can see her, I do things alone in the house that make me happy, yoga, chant, dance etc…to relieve stress, I am caring for my mom ,until I can’t anymore, because she was a golden mother, if she wasn’t , I probably would have placed her awhile ago, I already told my kid, not to care for me if I get sick, fortunately, I think he’ll listen❤️
3 important words — boundaries, boundaries, boundaries,
Good Luck
Tell your mother that her will needs to be changed where everything is left to you since that’s your job the past few years. See what mom and sis do after that. Bet you your sister will be involved then, money will change everything. You eve something out of this since you’ve sacrificed so much.
my mother lived with me for 3 months. Once money was discussed she packed everything and called my sister. My sister didn’t help with any care until money was brought up.
you deserve more, read about narcissistic mothers and sisters. YouTube and Amazon have a ton of info. You need to heal and you deserve more than this. I know it’s hard but they are taking advantage of your love and good heart.
many of us are entangled in difficult situations:
very hard to see the way forward.
keep looking for solutions.
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i do not believe in sacrificing one life for another, while loving/caring for our elderly parents.
i adore my parents.
but i must also make sure i live a full life too.
parents who love/care about you, don't want to steal your life.
and parents who don't love/care about you...well, they shouldn't want to steal your life either.
in what way is it a victory, if 1 life is saved, but another life destroyed?
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although many caregiving (whatever form the caregiving takes) situations are difficult, we do have freedom/choices.
maybe there are days (for example emergency) where there isn't really a choice -- but you can plan for the days after that.
envision your ideal life, go for it.
of course, how many choices your LOs have, depends also on how much money they have.
nevertheless, find ways to live a full life.
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i'll post here, 1 of the jokes i posted on this website:
Man lying on a couch.
Therapist taking notes.
Man:
I need an authority figure to tell me I'm free.
Work, date, live your best life.
Many thanks.
You have a right to your own life, but our habits run deep, and there are times we cannot move out of habitual behavior because there are times when, even if very miserable, our habitual ways provide a kind of "safety". There is nothing more terrifying than change; most of us need help when we endeavor upon a new path. Even when the rewards for it are great, changing our habitual ways of life take all the courage we have. You are not alone; there is help for you; please seek it out.
Seek help, to help yourself untangle it all.. You deserve your own place, your own life…I wanted to leave you a comment so you know you are being heard here.. There is a path ….
Caregiving is a long difficult road, and we're happy you have found the support of others here on this site.
However, there are limits to what untrained members on our site can provide for you.
Please reach out to experts for additional support and the help you need 24 hours a day at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
Call 1-800-273-8255
So you were 40 when you moved in with your parents? 12 years is a long time, but it doesn't have to turn into 13, 23, etc. It doesn't.
You describe a life of total sacrifice to your parents. You say that you have a history of, and current depression and are on medication. I hope that means that your Doctor has also arranged for you to have therapy. If not, that is a crucial first step.
No one on Forum is qualified to give advice or counsel on someone severely depressed and on medication, especially since you have mentioned some suicidal ideation when you are feeling overwhelmed.
I hope and believe that you have the hotline number to call when you need it -- 1-800-273-8255. Admins: I am reporting post so that you can also add your advice for those we have on Forum who express any history of suicidal ideation.
Your relationship with your Mom is very interwoven together at this point, I know you may already recognize it as being co-dependent to some extent, one on the other. It sounds as though Sister has for the most part stepped away from a situation she has no control or power over, and moved on to make herself a life. This leaves you feeling abandoned and hopeless. What your sister thinks, says or feels in this situation is quite irrelevant; she isn't acting as a caregiver, and she has moved on with her own life.
You badly need help. We cannot possibly advise knowing so little about you and your situation, and our attempts to do so could be detrimental to you in a situation we honestly don't know, aren't qualified to assess or advise on. So we are left to express our sympathy and our hope and wishes, but no skilled help, which is what you need now.
Please see your doctor and ask for a recommend to a therapist qualified to help you. My heart goes out to you; you sound miserable, and I could not be more sorry, but there I nothing I can offer, being completely unqualified to do so. Please get good, qualfied, professional help.
You have a right to your own life, but our habits run deep, and there are times we cannot move out of habitual behavior because there are times when, even if very miserable, our habitual ways provide a kind of "safety". There is nothing more terrifying than change; most of us need help when we endeavor upon a new path. Even when the rewards for it are great, changing our habitual ways of life take all the courage we have. You are not alone; there is help for you; please seek it out.
Admins: reporting post so you can provide any information the OP may need re Suicide Hotlines.