Feeling totally trapped in caring for Mom has made my panic and anxiety begin again. How do I stop it?

blkkat: I am in Los Angeles area. It is called Mt. Caregivers? What do you have to do to qualify? Now I wonder if they are around here?

I am watching my Mom decline every week it seems. Walking less and less. More and more frightened of facing death. Losing the body health, bit by bit. Her stance of being defiant and proud alternate with anger and despair. I feel for her sadness but she cannot be consoled. She leaves no place or space for conversation or even a sentence. Jabbering endlessly over little things, nervous and angry, sometimes confused, always frustrated, laughing with sarcasm and self pity. Trying to be a Mensch, a soldier, a martyr, a victim, but alas no more my friend, and no more a mother to me. I've already lost her and now I must stand by and watch as she goes down blaming me and refusing help at the same time.

But if I am alone and not thinking of her, my natural self is back and quite content, although my own life has fallen apart: poverty and fear of homelessness. Finally facing my life, I had to make my mother understand I can't drive her around to everything anymore. She has to find others to help her. I am job hunting and will be happy for whatever I get now.

I have taken steps to be on waiting lists for elder housing myself, and low income housing. I know things will get better: keeping a distance from Mom has helped me a lot and low and behold, yes, she found others to help her after all. She knows I am there for her but she can't expect me to be at her beck and call now.

A balance of life, a balance of love, a balance of self and caring for someone else, must be in place, or restored over and over. I believe in the order of things and trust that greater design, no matter how I grieve.

May I recommend again Rescue Remedy for stress relief for yourself. I used it after my mother gets verbally abusive, or if I can't sleep, or too wired. It's very gentle. it's a flower remedy. Costs about $10-15 but that little bottle has lasted over a year.

Have a ritual that you do every day to calm down: meditation, a bath, lying in bed with a journal, drink tension tamer or camomile tea before sleep time.
Affirm peace and love for your loved one, give it to God, and affirm your own peace and joy. There are a lot of days, just doing these things is hard to do! But without those things, I would have heart palpitations and all kinds of awful stress in my mind and body.

Louise Hay the metaphysical healer sez that you always have a choice; don't let your sisters get away with doing nothing to help your mom;

I take care of my mom who is 85 years old but she can still drive and my brother lives with her not ME right now so its easy to give advice but I do hope you develop a way to have time for yourself TRY the alzheimers association in your county; they provide FREE respite care for ca regiv er s. Just one id ea.

Great advice from DKOBrown!

Much of your story parallels mine. I have chronic pain and anxiety issues that had been pretty well managed until my mother had a stroke 1 year ago. I quit my job, moved her in with me and felt like my home was an enemy. My pain, stress, depression reached a peak after 5 months and it was BAD. After falling, my mom entered the hospital and then rehab (where she is still). By the SECOND DAY after mom's hospital admission my nausea, shakiness, brain fog / confusion, racing pulse and tendency to cry over everything DISAPPEARED. I was able to visit her daily without feeling angry, tired and stressed. Life was put back in perspective. I could enjoy her a bit more because I wasn't providing her direct care; some compassion returned.
I love my mother but I am not made to be a sole caretaker. Not everyone was born to be great at this. Mom is still in a rehab/skilled nursing facility and coming home is still up in the air BUT I have learned some things:
1) I have to have at least a little physical and emotional distance from mom in order to preserve my physical and mental health. I don't want it to be that way but well, it is. I simply can not “do it all” and stay well. And I’m going to stay well.
2) There ARE resources out there or you. Find your local Agency on Aging or senior citizen advocacy place or caregiver support group (a local hospital may know) or adult day program. Whether it’s private insurance, Medicaid, Medicare, there are funds that your mom qualifies for. My local Alzheimer’s group had a Respite Grant that helped me get in-home help so I could get OUT.
3) Continue to pursue any small or brief activity that allows you to clear your head, breathe deeply and re-center. Stick with counseling. Google “anxiety” and find simple steps to keep yours in check. YOU are in charge of your reactions to things that cause stress – they are not in charge of you. Fight it. Stick with your medicines, and doctor’s advice. Ask your doctor for herbal or over the counter items that may help with anxiety. I found it helpful to collect positive quotes, cute inspirational pictures and sayings, scripture and humorous postings – great for maintaining a hopeful attitude AND for encouraging my mother.
4) You can not do a thing for your mom if you are not healthy. Sometimes making a decision for skilled nursing or assisted living is best for you and your parent – and that distance will save your relationship.
I wish you and your family peace and well-being. In the end, family and health are the most important things. Without them intact, you can not care for mom in a way that serves her best.

Do not know where you live but I FINALLY found some relief through Mt, Caregivers (in northern CA) I believe there is a caregivers association in man states, It is Federally funded and if funds are available it won't cost you. I managed to get 20 hrs a month free for 3 months, they took care of mom and cleaned my house, etc so I managed to get out 5 hrs each weekend (you chose how you want your hrs,) The sad thing is it was for only 3 mos BUT IT WAS MORE THAN I HAD BEFORE --- good luck and keep searching for these programs, Also if your mom is on Medicare/Medical, etc - you can get help thru medicare - your doctor can order help (Nurse, bathing lady, etc) Wish you positive thoughts and well being -- Ours is NOT an easy task...

My Dad, who suffers from dementia, heart problems, etc. has lived with my husband and me for almost 2 years now. I, too, have panic/anxiety attacks. I try to take time to myself each day but it is difficult to find the time - my alone time is ALWAYS interrupted! Our county senior center has an ongoing program for dementia/Alz patients so I do take Dad there 2 days a week (it's 4 hrs each day). Caregivers may want to check your county to see if there are any similar programs. With my panic attacks getting worse, I may have to get back on my medication but prefer not to. It is just a very difficult situation when you feel trapped all the time and feel like you don't have a life of your own anymore.

The reason why I'm asking is that I am so resentful that my mother made the choice to put herself in bed never to get out again, last Aug. and your comment on your Mom coming into your room screaming made me look at my situation a little differently. At least I know where she is ..lol

Holy Cow, I'm curious. What are your Mom's medical problems?

HolyCow, We have a caregiver that we use sometimes that only charges $10.00 an hour. My mom goes to a day program and one of the staff there told me about her. She is great with mom! If there is a day program in your area I would suggest that you call them to ask if any of the staff do extra caregiving jobs. Staff at mom's program do, but the policy is that they cannot do extra work for participants of the program. This same woman will also do overnights for either $10.00 or $25.00 depending on whether she can sleep or not because of wandering, bathroom trips or whatever. The hours she is available is somewhat limited though because she has a full time job, recently divorced and just does it for extra money. I'm sure if you do some calling around you can find someone. Maybe even call senior centers there may be people there that want to make some extra money. What about churches?

Holycow, it sounds like you are living a nightmare with sisters and mother around you. I would be panicking, too. I'm sure your body is trying to tell you to turn attention to yourself and what you need.

I have panic disorder that rears its ugly head every 10-20 years. I have to deal with it, because it will turn into agoraphobia if I don't. It can be so hard to deal with. Despite the panic that was crippling at times, I was able to work as a teacher until I took early retirement to do other things I wanted to do. (Taking care of parents was NOT on that list!)

Something that helped me dealing with the panic was knowing the attacks are self-limiting. You won't die or go crazy. You won't have a heart attack or stroke. They will crest, then go away. There are two natural things that really help me -- water and good food. I'm more likely to panic when my sugar is low. I also learned a lot about self soothing. Everyone does this different. It sounds like your self soothing would mean getting away for a while and maybe having a bite to eat or just sitting by a river. I always find peace in watching water flow away from me, so I face downstream. It is like the water carries my concerns away with it.

A big thing that has helped me is my motto in life: Feel the fear and do it anyway. I think I got the motto from the title of a book. I use this motto when I feel I can't face situations that make me anxious. The motto works so well with me. It reminds me that I succeeded in the past and can do it again, to just go ahead and do it.

I hope that you can figure out what your body is telling you that you need to do. I think working it through with a therapist is a wonderful suggestion. I wish they had a lot of free therapists around. Those people can be expensive unless insurance will cover it.

I am afraid to even say this because I may jinx it......Mom fell apart last night screaming, yelling, telling me to shut up and get out of her house....it was a major meltdown. Older sister, did not go to work today, but stayed home, called the doctor about Mom's meds after asking me if it was okay and she stayed with Mom so I could go to the bank, and grocery store. I was suppose to have a doctor appointment that was cancelled by them, but younger sister called to say she would be over to stay with Mom so I could go! I do not know what got into them other than my panic and anxiety beginning and maybe they are worried about who is going to care for Mom if I can't??? All I know is it is a step in the right direction and I am thankful. Now if it will just continue.

akdaughter: great advice! Gave me palpitations when I read....a good parent is to make themselves unneeded..... but it is absolutely true, I just have not lived up to that!

So back from trip! First day back my step-dad just throws his empty pie box on floor saying he will pick it up later not likely it will be my Mom telling me to do it or her picking it up I could of screamed so much to say on here but it would be a book while I was away had respite care set up for my Mom and her husband they kept canceling or sending the caregiver home I was getting phone calls like 4 times from case manager telling me what my Mother and step-dad were doing the case manager said they would have to cancel altogether if my Mom and her husband kept canceling my Mom was complaining because they weren't cooking meals for my step dad when my Mom and step-dad already agree and understood the help was only for my Mom because she has Parkinson's they even sign the agreement paper before I left my Mom is very manipulative now and in the past also she has always made many airy promises and never keeps them! My step-dad is right beside her if she cry's and she doesn't get her way He rub's her back and says whats wrong mama ??? Like I am the big meany. He thinks I am rough on her even if I want her to go to the doctors and she doesn't the list goes on I admit I loose my patients at times but she nags and won't stop and is at me when I am trying to do my job!! On top of it all I am crabby with my boyfriend for 21 years and ask him to do things and he tends to leave it to the last minute he has always been like this tired of it and it really frustrates me and I get upset with him well we had a argument and he call me some mean disrespectful names I am so upset just want to live on my own and get a regular job please don't misunderstand me I love my Mom and partner just really overwhelm and having major anxiety & stressed out seriously trouble sleeping also feeling guilty for the simplest things like telling my Mom to finish her will for the four past years t before she losses her mind she keeps putting it off then there is my other siblings that don't even help and they only live an hour away could sure use some advice?? Just needed to vent.

ferris1, if we have POA, are we allowed to do that if mom refuses it? It's still 'her' money, and unless she is deemed incompetent, we cannot just schedule things and write checks from her checkbook to get people in, can we? Pls advise.

Since you have POA, use some of your mother's money to have help come in to respite you. Next sit down with your siblings and hash out the issues WITH this therapist you see in her/his office so there is neutral ground and there will be a moderator. Family dynamics are hard and it may take several sessions, but at least there needs to be dialogue between you all. Next, you need a life of your own, and you need to get out of this situation either permanently or temporarily. Research finding a room & board situation with you coming over to your mom's house 3 or 4 days a week and the rest have help in. You must help yourself FIRST so you can keep yourself healthy. No amount of stress is worth you ruining your health. Please take care of yourself. Best wishes!

It isn't of any wonder that you are having panic and anxiety attacks, if the tension has no release it will only keep building and the attacks will get much worse. I am on Zoloft for mine as I have had anxiety problems since I was 3 years old. My anxiety at that time used to be released by severe nose bleeds and the Dr. was the one who had figured it out. I think having your own space to do or not do is a great idea, when the sister's walk in from work PUNCH OUT period..... Tell them that they have the next shift and leave, go for a walk, coffee whatever you want or need to do, but get your life back. You are no good to yourself or your mother at this point, you have to put your foot down and remind them that it is their mother as well. But do for you, you deserve it and you need it, and if you want to vent then you have made a step in the right direction. There is always someone willing to listen, talk to you and give you new ideas. I wish you all the best of luck and bless you. Take good care of yourself and everything else comes second. Good luck

AK daughter I wish someone had told me that when I had my 2. I did (do) most everything for them, now 13 and 17. My daughter can be in the recliner and ask so sweetly, mom can you hand me the phone? can you get me a drink? Can I have the remote? I so often find myself running like a chicken to "serve". And for what?? So I can train them that they will need to find a head-bobbing partner to be at their whims for their lifetime? I have to change or I see many divorces in the kids' futures.
and as far as the giraffe statue! lol.....mom and I have a lot of nice furniture and home decor and we decided to sell. As such I needed to make ads with pictures. Hence the "moving everything"....
I am very Type A.
I used to think I was a control freak, but over time I have let people "control" me so they would love me!
Crazy backwards thinking.

Nikki, many years ago when me two older children were toddlers (I have a bonus child 9 years younger), a very wise person told me that the goal of a good parent is to make themselves unneeded. I have used that as my philosophy of parenting ever since. My youngest child used it as a quote on a college term paper about functional families and scored a very positive comment from her professor. Although it is true that it is faster to do things yourself than it is to teach your children how to do something, it is not in their best interest. I also had to remember that it didn't matter if the towels were folded unevenly and stacked haphazardly because they would be just fine for the next use. The dishwasher didn't need to be loaded my way as long as it got loaded. Cooking and baking were messy jobs for a grade-schooler, but provided an opportunity to learn about clean-up. Food that didn't look quite perfect was still edible. It is hard for those of us with "type A" personalities to let go of the need to re-do, correct and take over, but try to take a deep breath and look the other way while your children practice some necessary life skills. Sounds like your son is off to a good start.

80 pound giraffe statue...and we can't ask? That sounds like the coolest thing ever. You must have a fantastic house. I want an 80 pound giraffe statue!!

Angel

Way to go, Nikki! SuperMom has left the building; it's reality check time, kiddies!

Well, I heard some great true wisdom on this board in the past couple of days.
BOUNDARIES
SELF ESTEEM
DOORMAT
and my favorite word....? DELEGATE!!!
I have a lot of work to do. It's hard to change, and even harder for others to change when (in their minds) the change doesn't benefit THEM.
But I have been under the weather this week. It has been a bad week for me physically. Panic attacks, a tender ovary??? No idea what that is, and no, I do not want to go to the doctor and get probed... that will send me over the edge this week, I think!
I am going to take cipro which I found in the med cabinet and last night I made my 18 year old COOK dinner (while I basically stood there and told him what to do) but damn it, it's a start.
A very late, overdue START.
And he did it. Not happy, not "pitching in for ma" smiling, but he did it.
And he will do it again.
I can feel things unraveling. I am getting lightheaded and dizzy lately. I tried to pick up a 53" THICK glass top (for a dining room table) alone last week, and since then I don't feel so hot. It's not a hernia because there is no bulge. But the glass was over 100 lbs and I couldn't move it. After that I tried to move an 80 lb giraffe statue. (don't ask)
Anyhow, I'm done. over it, screw the world, I am at the breaking point with the anxiety levels.
Every single important person in my tight little world is about THEMSELVES and I am sick of it. Every one! Mom, the kids, everyone. And I am about them too! So where does that leave me???
I need a vacation. I have mentioned this over and over to no avail. Nobody is showing up with a surprise for me, you know what I'm saying?
So from here on out, I will not complain to my partner. At all. I will tolerate mom because she is 91 and I want to remember our last few years together with me being loving to the woman who always loved me.
Since I got hurt, she is the one asking me "are you ok" "how do you feel"....
That counts for something.
This week I am going to make my son do a load of laundry.

Nikki99: I love what you said about first kids and equating them to the second coming of Christ and then they turn into the Anti-Christ! I made me laugh but I know where you are coming from.

I only had one child and I too love her like no tomorrow (she was our Golden Child) but my "love" and now my fear of the "suicide scare" has made me do too much for her and as we all know that is no any good because it does not let them learn HOW TO CARE FOR THEMSELVES! When you have kids they do not come with instruction manuals and we do not realize the mistakes we have make until we are living the nightmares.

I too do my daughters laundry, under the guise of "saving water by only washing full loads!" I kind of go on strike every once in a while and leave them but will then begin washing them again. I do have to say that my mother yells at me that I need to get into her bedroom and clean it up for her and I flat out refuse, telling her that she is 22 and she can and must clean it herself. Mom does not remember that we had to clean our own rooms our entire lives with no help from her, do our own laundry and ironing weekly as well as household chores. For some reason she does not see that my daughter needs to do the same.

Thank you for the chuckle as I sitting here waiting for Mom to finally go to bed and let me have a few minutes peace. And thank you for that this board be kept alive as we both greatly need support in this area as I am sure others do!

Nikki99: Your story breaks my heart and I do not know how you keep going either!

I have a daughter that is 22 and she is a good kid, but all this stuff with Mom and the dementia has taken a terrible toll on her. She was an Honors Student when she entered college and by her 3rd year she was failing half her classes. She was also contemplating suicide, which I had absolutely NO IDEA of! I was absolutely out of my mind when I found out what was happening. She could not deal with my mother's behaviors and had no money to move anywhere else so she saw her only way out as suicide.

I was at that same exact spot in September of 2013 because I could no longer handle Mom's behavior, being locked up in this house for 8 years and I was at a point of having to decide to put her into a home, which I had always promised her and my Dad that I would never do. She was just going nuts on us and not sleeping at nights, flipping on lights, feeding the dog 15 times a day, yelling, telling me to pack my stuff and get my a-- out! It was horrible.

Mom had gall stones and we put her into the hospital, who tried every medication they could find to stop the "sundowning" but it sent her into a head spin of hallucinations and delusions. He doctor told me to put her into a NH. I did not listen and brought her home, found a Gerontologist and put her on Remeron and Celexa and she was fine for 2 months, then began getting headaches. He removed her from the Celexa but the headaches continued. Then took the Remeron and they continued. She has been off everything for about 3 weeks now, no headaches, and has become fairly quiet during the day IF everything is kept quiet, the sun is shinning and she can sit on the patio, you play Dean Martin or Frank Sinatra music and you agree with pretty much anything she says (no correcting her about anything). Come about 4-5 pm she begins getting a bit agitated so you really have to play down everything. As dinner begins, she does not want to eat or takes 5 bites and says she is full, then she becomes confused about her 3 eye drops and taking her medications....she swears she has already taken them when she hasn't as they are kept locked up. Thus an uproar begins.

We have a small dog that was my fathers and the rest of the evening is spent with Mom trying to feed and re-feed and re-feed the dog over and over when I have already fed her dinner. So we have to keep trying to get her to stop, which means I have to go to my bedroom so the dog will go under my bed and get away from Mom. Mom stills hits my bedroom door 15 times before I go to sleep to check on the dog! It becomes maddening because I am either on the computer or trying to watch TV and Mom is talking out loud so you cannot hear the TV or think to even write on the computer.

I have 2 sisters who both work, one lives here in the house with us. The other lives about 35 minutes away, she works 12 hour days to keep her house and take care of her kids as her husband died at 47 from Myotonic Dystrophy, just 5 years ago.

The in house sister has never gotten over the fact that I was born and swears to "hate me until the day I die." I found this out at the age of 28, prior to that my parents just told me to ignore her, or pray for her, but they never did anything to try to put a stop to it. They thought it was simple sibling rivalry not someone who had or was mentally ill or having a mental issue. Due to this I have gone through hell my entire 60 years of life at the hands of this person.

I took POA from my mother about 3 years ago because telemarketers were calling her constantly and I caught her giving money to a man one day at the front door and signing a form allowing them to withdrawn money from her bank account monthly. Younger sister was in agreement of me taking it but older sister was adamantly opposed as it would stop her from using Mom's money to pay her bills. She has not been able to take any funds since I took over. What she has done however, was to fail to pay her share of the household expenses for over two years, so I had a document written up that states if anyone borrows or takes money from the estate, they either pay it back immediately or it is removed from their share of the inheritance....she began paying again but refuses to make up the $8,000 that she owes the estate. This is the sister who told me I would have to ask permission to leave the house on the weekends!

She has filed a FALSE report against me to Adult Protective Services saying I beat her up, which NEVER HAPPENED. My 16 year old niece was here and saw that I did nothing and was my witness to the fact. There are NUMEROUS other instances just like this. She wants to cause me to fail, that would make her VERY HAPPY!!!

I have gone out on a Saturday or Sunday and when I have come home sister is angry and upset and is giving me minute by minute details on what H*** she has gone through all day with Mom. One day I ran to the grocery store for 1 hour and when I got home sister was telling me what H*** she had gone through all day and how horrible Mom was and yelling and screaming. I stopped her and said, "Really? All day long?" She said "Yes, all day long!" I said, "Gee that is funny because I only left here 1 hour ago. You have been with her for a grand total of 1 hour and 5 minutes, NOT ALL DAY LONG!" Older sister is unable to take care of Mom nor does she really want to as she is short tempered and argues with Mom over some of the smallest issues.

Well Mom just successfully spilled a full bowl of water all over my bedroom carpet! Now because I told her no more water in the bedroom she is standing at the foot of my bed yelling at me as I type. I have asked her repeatedly to please leave my bedroom and she is screaming at me to get my stuff and get out because this house belongs to her!

Is it any wonder I am having severe panic and anxiety attacks.....my body is shaking like a leaf and my heart racing and chest is hurting.

I have no other place to go, I am on disability and trying to care for two of us on $1,300 a month. Apartments here cost more than that, I could not even pay for food or utilities if I just gave up and walked out. I could not go alone either as my daughter would need to leave as well.

I am living in h*** half the time and the other half I am walking on egg shells. I have got to hire someone to come and stay with Mom so I can leave here every once in a while or I am going to find myself in the hospital or a mental facility.

I never did get rid of the panic and anxiety for those of you who asked. It has come and gone for the past 25 years. It began when I was pregnant at about 12 weeks, no doctor realized it was probably hormones but instead told me I just did not want to have a child so my only way out was an abortion. I was out of my head and I listened to them and have regretted it every day.

I honestly thought that we would be lucky to keep my Mom alive for just 3 years after my father died. I never dreamed 8 years later I would still be living this ever worsening journey with no help in sight.

I am only caregiver of mom withalzheimers. I use her check to pay for day care 3 times a week and take her to Alzheimer's timeout 3 days a week and every wendesday. She stays home and I pay neighbor for 3 hours to play scrabble wither. It takes her whole check but helps me keep my sanity and helps her also getting out and seeing other people. She did not want to go at. First but now likes it.you have to take care of yourself to take care of her.

Holy Cow - I find that anxiety is normal when we are facing a decision that we know is needed, but are afraid to face it. And as a long term caregiver, and even someone who grew up isolated from peers, I know that it is confusing and also difficult to build a pleasant life for oneself, especially when not in a situation where others are doing the same, so you end up alone with the need to explore and experiment. A therapist told me once, make this your year to explore options - I liked this a lot, for it helped me realize it's not a one-time, simple solution. We only have a certain amount of energy, less as we age. So, you might take a while and write down your best energy - what I'm getting at, is instead of telling your sister in broad terms that you deserve to get out - take time to think of a workable plan for you, and tell her you will leave every Sunday at 11 and be back at 5 pm (for instance). If that time frame works, you could go out for brunch, maybe a movie or museum or afternoon concert - some place where you can manage your energy out of the house, so you can feel relaxed and enjoy your day. And maybe have a back up plan for a book to read at home on days that you don't feel up to going out - but let your sister know that those hours are yours, and wish her good luck and thank her for her understanding and support and run out the door!

Over helping capable people is something women and caregivers have done since the dawn of time. To us, it is an expression of love through service, but is driven by self esteem issues and poor boundaries. It is not too late to correct your children and your boyfriend. Make them be responsible for the things they truly can and should learn to do for themselves. In real life, they will be expected to manage their own affairs. Do them a favor by stopping enabling behavior NOW. Find a counselor who can help you develop your own boundaries so that YOU can be healthy and whole...reclaim your self respect and make your own choices. Others in your life will be angry at first, but that is their issue. Be assertive. Once they see you are serious and consistent, your relationships will change...anyone who leaves needs to leave, I.e. The boyfriend and grown son/sloth. Take your life back!

Omg I hear you, I didnt go out a weekend for 3 1/2 years, no lie! I finally smartened up and hired a weekend person, they call in sick a lot and I have gone through 2 of them, but you have to. I have gone out 3 times this Winter, I do not mind but I am interviewing now for weekend help for as soon as the good weather starts. #1 go on Zoloft and #2 go on website Care for help !
Good Luck, they both work fantastic!

You guys gave great advice to both me and to HolyCow.
It is so hard, when you have your firstborn and you think omg they are the second coming of Christ! Then, by doing everything for them they become entitled, and they turn into the AntiChrist!
Just because I will always love my son unconditionally, doesn't mean other people will.
The best thing I can do now is DELEGATE chores and teach SELF SUFFICIENCY! Please keep this board alive for both me and HolyCow, because as far as her sister, I think she needs more rah-rah support, and God knows I do as well.