25 years ago I began having panic and anxiety attacks when I was pregnant. I have had problems off and on since then but never really KNEW or FOUND OUT HOW TO STOP THEM. IT WAS MORE LIKE USE Xanax UNTIL THEY STOPPED. I have done deep breathing, walking up and down the street and its 1 am, praying,also done all the imaging stuff and I am finding nothing that really works.
i am caring for Mom basically alone even though my older sister lives with us. Her and my younger sister work and I am on disability so I am the one left at home to deal with all situations alone. Older sister stays at work past quitting time so she does not have to deal with Mom or anything else. She has started trying to come home a bit earlier this past week but it may be too little and too late. I have felt pretty much like I was being treated as a slave for some time but I was living with it, I had no choice. Now the panic and anxiety attacks have begun again and it is based on being stuck in this house all the time and shouldering the care giving alone.
I see a therapist in my home once a week. I am so fearful of this becoming worse and me not being able to care for Mom at all as I will wind up being the crazy person who cannot handle stress again.. I worked hard to get past this and with it starting again, I just want it to stop!! I just do not know how to control it.
I had been trying to leave the house each weekend to see that life really exists outside these four walls but older sister had a fit that I ways always leaving with my younger sister and demanded that it stop, it is jealousy. She actually told me I had to ask her permission before I left the house! I told her to basically F Off! The last 3 weekends I have sat at home all weekend long and she has NEVER LEFT THE HOUSE THE ENTIRE WEEKEND, NEVER EVER LEFT!. I personally don't give a crap what she says any longer, she leaves this house every single day. Yes she is going to work, but she is out of this house and dealing with kids and other teachers and staff, so she has some resemblance of a life...I STOPPED HAVING A LIFE IN 1997 WHEN i BECAME ILL, SO MY YOUNGER SISTER AND HER DAUGHTER ARE MY ONLY FRIENDS. Just running to have my blood drawn at the lab this morning was like I had been set free.
If I could just get my mother to agree to leave the house to go to a park, or the store, just anyplace to get out of here I think it would help but she flat out refuses. I think she feels very uncomfortable leaving her normal surroundings so she is like an immovable bull in a 95 pound body. The only place she has been willing to go in the past has been the cemetery where her family is buried. At this point I am willing to go there if it means being outside and away from here.
I think obviously the thing I have to do is find someone who can stay with her so I can leave the house. How do I go about finding a company or agency that is reputable that I can trust and it doesn't cost $25 an hour.
I really need any input that you may have on dealing with the panic and anxiety, overcoming it hopefully permanently and I would greatly appreciate your input on finding someone to stay with Mom or giving advice on what else i can/should do.
I need a solution as my sister is trying to break me, because she wants me to have to give up POA over my mother. I cannot do that, she was using Mom's money to pay her bills with no intention of ever paying it back. HELP!!!!!
Holy Cow - what does your therapist suggest? I do think you have to do more for you. Does your mum have some money to pay for extra help - even high school kids as suggested to give you a break? Otherwise it may be time for placement.
I am sorry that you are so overwhelmed. I don't think there is anyway you can "force" your sis to do more, so I would plan apart from her. I think I would ignore her and her bad behaviour. is it fair? No, of course not, but you can only change you, not someone else. ((((((hugs)))))
Nikki99, I'd quit doing your son's laundry altogether. He's 18 years old, he's an adult. My stepson was doing his own laundry long before that. I rarely put his laundry up for him when I did do his laundry for him. He chose to let it sit or he chose to put it up. His laundry, his problem. He learned to do for himself. He actually decided on his own long before he turned 18 that he wanted to do his own laundry. My daughter and other son will learn as well when they're older. If you keep enabling him now, you'll be doing it the rest of your life. I learned by observing my MIL enable some family members. She did them no favors by constantly bailing them out of trouble. Maybe if she'd let them fall on their faces once in a while they would've learned from that.
You seem to be so intensely locked in conflict with these people that simply letting go and walking away doesn't appear to be an option to you. Perhaps this is something you might discuss with the therapist?
Do you have somewhere else you could go, some safer place from which to start a new life? Are you willing to admit you were wrong to take this on? (This is a tough one.) Can you possibly endure it for other family members to appear to *win* this fight?
Hopefully you aren't waiting/hoping/trusting that the others will change. From what you say, apparently THIS IS IT.
You're in a tough situation. But while they are not going to change, YOU can. And you should in order to get yourself into a more supportive environment. Living with toxic people is harmful not only to our mental health, but also physically. Remember that you are the only one in this mix that you have the power to control.
Good luck and God bless.
something's gotta give.
If your sister is living there too can you give her a few days notice and tell her that you will be leaving for X amount of time? Don't ASK her. TELL her. You have to get out of that house.
When you had anxiety and panic attacks years ago what helped? You said you had them years ago so I'm wondering what stopped them.
Your sister sounds like a bully. Like someone else said, set boundaries. Not just in caregiving but with your sister too. But once you set them be prepared to carry them out. Good luck to you.
I have almost the opposite problem with my mom in that she wants to go out ALL the time. She wants to be driving, be entertained, shop in all the stores, eat out, She wants me to take her every single day. As a result, I can't manage well anymore when I'm home as there is housework to be done, dinner for 5 to be made every night (by me)... laundry to be washed dried and folded and put away (me again tho once in awhile I will get help from my bf)... But as far as support? I have none.
It's my own fault I feel. I raised a lazy son who feels work is above him and doesn't get the concept of pitching in. I know he won't survive on his own because I never made him self-sufficient. My bf can't stand him, (or can't stand the way my son is, and my son is almost 18 now)... one example is I folded his clothes last night after picking them up off the floor and delivered them to his closed bedroom door all clean and folded neatly. He opened the door when I knocked, grabbed them, threw the pile on the floor, said thanks, and closed the door.
Then my bf comes in, there is no support or understanding there and I guess I can't blame him, but sometimes I just need a hug and it's a sign of weakness if I cry to him like I am behaving like a child.
My daughter is spoiled and talks back at 13, but at least I can say she will pitch in and help a little.
I am the backbone of this house and recently I am having awful anxiety attacks related to the insecurity in my relationship and being told my partner is unhappy with me, when all I try to do is the right thing and be everything for everyone.
I love my son and I don't do tough love well.
I know I should do things differently but I know it will be met with a resistance tornado and I'm afraid I will just shrivel up and die because I can't take anymore on my shoulders.
I don't like what you said about your sister and i think she is feeling like she's the workhorse and is jealous that you sit home all day.
That's crap. Too bad you can't trade places with her for a month or two. She would never feel jealous again.
I understand and get it.
DO NOT ask permission to go out anymore. You are entitled to a life, to time for you! If she doesn't like it, put it in her lap and say sorry would you rather I have a day off once a week or would you rather see me having a nervous breakdown, where I will be zero help to you?? Then what ? That is what I would say to her.
2. Do something for yourself every day: but don't indulge in bad food which could feed your physical problems.
3. The concept of carving out a place for yourself and having boundaries saved me from my own panic attacks. Make a place in your home, closed in, screened in, with plants, music, candles, whatever you need to have your very own sanctuary and let it be known its all YOURS. No one else allowed. It states boundary, it affirms the need for you to exist without anyone else, it is safe and reminds you to be in it. from that place, you can begin to build your peace, creativity, strength.
I used a corner of my bedroom: a few plants, photos of saints, candles, incense, music or silence. MY Chair, my space, my place for ahhhhhh.
Don't let your family bully you into anything. I'd threaten to leave the whole situation if after setting boundaries, seeing a counselor, and getting respite doesn't work for you.
I hope this helps. The mind set is very important. I don't get those panic attacks anymore. But I do cry when the tension builds up. Cry, pray, and act positively.
I am sure you'll find other ideas from this wonderful forum.