Dear one, I am trying to figure out how best to 'be there for', love and help care for my mother and father, given the following background: mother was consistently verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive towards me as her only daughter well into adult years. I attempted help, calling things out, healing and reconciliation together for about 15 yrs, met only by resistance, gaslighting, denial, putdowns and unfortunately, never an admission or acceptance of wrongdoing. Well into my 30's I realized if I wanted a chance of life, I need to move on. I did the hard work emotionally to forgive and heal and started to rebuild my life. My father had been present but emotionally absent, co-dependent on mom and looked away from or denied the abuse, until that period in my 30's, when he admitted failure and responsibility in part. We were able to reconstruct our relationship to a healthier one following that. Mom was diagnosed with dementia and has deteriorated rapidly. Strangely enough, the onset of the illness brought previously unheard of openness from her side. As I was in a healthier place, we built a relationship that is shallow but filled with compassion and mutual care, with genuine good times when I visit (abroad). Mom is now in a nursing home for persons with dementia, with father and siblings in that geographical area to assist. Yet the burden of caretaking has been increasing on them recently as mom is still very controlling and at times abusive, has had medical emergencies and for the first time, I am not there to buffer. I have moved away, and am rebuilding my life. Despite knowing that boundaries are right, I wrestle emotionally with wanting to contribute to her care, yet being abroad/ far geographically limits this, and I find myself wondering: life finally looks bright.. after decades lost and deep pain due to a toxic mother and family system, I am finally at a good place...My father and siblings are experiencing the full blow weight of 'mom unfiltered', for my siblings potentially for the first time (I was the only girl, as guys mom treated them differently). I want to love and help.. I deeply care and truly have fogiven mom, yet to which degree do I do so, keeping in mind my own personal well-being and the fat that I am at the start of 'my life', due to having lost so many years in that same co-dependent abusive mechanism? Any help in grappling with this, is welcome.
If your mom is already in a nursing home, isn't she getting all the care she needs? What more would your involvement be adding to her care?
It's a noble thought to feel like you'd make a difference in your mother's life by being physically there for her. In reality, you'd be butting heads and arguing all the time, just like I do with my mother.
Please leave well enough alone. Your mother is not 'alone' having your father and siblings to visit her, and an entire staff at the SNF to look after her.
Before I was even married into the family my grandmother in law to be thought that she could order me to eat at her home for dinner every single Sunday! I told her no right off the bat. She drove everyone in the family nuts with her demands, rude behavior and never being satisfied!
I was young and naive though and thought if I was extra nice to her that she would be nice back. Oh gosh, was I wrong! I gave up on trying to please her. It was absolutely impossible for anyone to please her. My MIL said that she was either the meanest woman on the planet or had severe mental illness. Of course, grandmother in law would never speak to a therapist because she believed everyone else was wrong.
I believe that my sweet grandfather in law and my darling mother in law went straight to heaven because of all of the penance they did by dealing with my grandmother in law!
I am at the start of 'my life'..."
Great! 💪
What would you hope to achieve by returning? To put yourself back into old family dynamics & risk of abuse? Familiarity?
Do you remember the film 'Love Actually'? When Hot Karl asks Sarah "will it make him better?"
Ask yourself - will going back make your Mother better? Will it change anything? Will it make your life better?
You have begun to re-write your life script. Keep going.
It is fantastic, yet scary to move forwards. Embrace it. Go create your life with joy.
I took time to ponder these questions and have more clarity, and above all, peace of mind. It is clear that I need to keep protecting what I have built up until now, while relating with proper boundaries.
Thank you!
Whatever good relationship your Mom finally had is now gone. Because of the Dementia, your Mom cannot reason or show empathy. Even the nicest most giving person before Dementia may become self-centered after it.
I think you are still looking for approval and love from Mom. Sorry to say, you won't get it now. Since your in a good place, stay there. For whatever reason, Mom doesn't know how to love. And Dementia does not change that.
The focus of your post is on your abusive relationship with mom, well take mom out of the picture. Simple things like calling your dad or sibling just to say hi or to let them vent frustrations is very helpful. Do not say stupid things like, I cant come visit because its not a real vacation and vacations are needed to recharge or the worse sending pictures of you on vacation and say you had to go because of the stress of mom. It has me nuts both days.
The best thing you can do is listen to dad or siblings without judgememts.
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