FIL moves to assisted living on Tuesday and I was wondering if you can give me some ideas of what to expect from the transition.

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FIL moves to assisted living on Tuesday and I was wondering if you can give me some ideas of what to expect from the transition.

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I know it’s going to be an adjustment for him and I am worried about that. He also doesn’t eat on an American schedule. He is from England so he eats lunch at 3-4 and dinner at 8 and then there is all the cookies he eats. He can have a refrigerator for his drinks but as I am writing we are not getting him groceries above what he gets with room and board. I mean I won’t let him starve. Then I am worried because the place is about a mile and a half away from our house. Just last week he got mad and took off at dark for two hours. How often should we see him? Like I said I can see coming home and he is in our yard again. Lee was really upset two nights ago about the mess he is making. Any and all suggestions would be appreciated. thank you 🙏

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I'm not sure what your FIL has been telling you about mealtimes in England, but if he likes having lunch that late, and that's his story and he's sticking to it, well...! Fine, I suppose?

I should have a word with whoever is handling his admission at the ALF and go through all of your questions with them. Remember, they do this job week in, week out, and settling newcomers in nicely is all part of their routine. Don't load him up with extra food, he'll adjust better to the new menu if he's hungry - after all, "a pinch of appetite is worth a pound of seasoning."

Hint: if he misses biscuits terribly, this is a good time of year to order presentation boxes of them for his Christmas gift. What are his favourites?

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actually he loves anything sweet right now. we did find licorice allsorts. i just have to step back now and let him get settled. it just doesn’t seem real. i don’t know if we will know what to do with ourselves if we have time alone. thank you all i will keep you posted.

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Dinner in Al will be what he is used to as lunchtime. Then most usually are able to provide snacks such as fruit, possibly a sandwich, maybe cookies. He could have those stored in his room. Hopefully food will prove to be the least of your concerns. No one starves there. He could skip a meal such as breakfast if he chooses. Mealtimes are when residents are hopefully social. My mother has been in 2 in different states. The first one had everyone assigned to the same table. Many became caring of each other. The present one does not insist that residents always eat at the same table but they tend to do that. There are always stories to report. Not always all positive but some are. I would find out how the AL deals with mealtimes and ask that he be placed or directed towards a situation that he is best suited for. They can be charged if it is a negative situation. Wishing you the best.

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Sounds depressing.

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Hi, Staff. FIL being a flight risk is something you absolutely need to tell the staff at the AL and make sure it’s on his chart. I wouldn’t visit at all for a week. If you want to check on him, call the nurses station and ask how he’s doing.

Remember, Lee’s dad is there to be taken care of by the AL staff. They aren’t just filling in for you. Don’t fret about the meals. He will adjust. Your job with him is done. He’s going to be lonely, angry, feel sorry for himself, beg to come back home, etc. Don’t apologize to him. Don’t buy into it. Be kind and loving but firm.

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I meant the table can be changed not charged. As this part of life in AL is important and frequent I would try to find out ahead how residents are seated at mealtimes. A truly negative resident can monopolize the mealtime. It can get very petty which adds stress. When it is positive it provides a sense of belonging. I will always remember bringing my mother home from a medical procedure which took the whole day and us being greeted by 2 of her table mates expressing care and concern. When one of those women passed on some time later I thought back to that day I still remember vividly. This was in her first AL. Other than that we have been much happier in the second one.

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Hopefully the AL has lock down. The front door at Moms was a keypad you need a pin number for. The firedoors could be opened after a few seconds but an alarm went off to tell staff someone went out the door. I am not big on not visiting for a week. He may feel abandoned. Maybe get him settled and sit in the common area where other people are. Take him on a tour. Explain he now has a room to himself and people to get to know. Activities. If you can wait till lunch or dinner (depends on when you drop him off) use that time to leave. Give him a couple of days and then visit. Be ready for him not to be happy. You may want to keep the visit short.

Usually ALs eat at 8, 12 and five. Snacks are given in between. Moms had birthday parties. There are state regulations on how much residents are fed and believe me its more than I can eat. Lunch is usually the biggest meal. I wouldn't worry about stocking up his room with food. Maybe drinks in the frig.

Please do not allow him to talk you in to coming home. He needs to be used to the AL as his Dementia progresses. It will then be a familiar place.

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My dad was in AL and they couldn’t leave unless they signed out and a staff had to unlock the door. Yes, you can expect him to have at least a 3-6 month adjustment period. And he may rant and rail how he hates it. This is normal. No it isn’t easy to take BUT if you realize it’s not unusual then you can handle it. Just empathize with him and listen. It doesn’t sound like he can be reasoned with if he has dementia. You need to know how to keep your boundaries.
It will take time for him to fit in, make acquaintances and relax. I disagree about not giving him a stash of some of his favorite foods. I know it’s normal to worry about all this. It’s like sending your child off to college. But try to put it in perspective...he’s an adult and he will not die of starvation.
Be sure his rooms there look similar to the spaces he inhabited before so everything is like he’s used to.

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Meal timing was one of the more difficult issues I faced with my mom, when I moved her from her first AL situation, near her home (400 mi. away), to one close me. This was about a year after she was first institutionalized for mild dementia. The first AL situation was better, as they had more flexible meal times. The new one had flexible breakfast hours, but narrow 1-hour lunch and dinner windows, with actual food service within the first 30 min. Dinner, in particular, was early, at 4:30 p.m., whereas the first AL facility served food anywhere between 5 and 6 p.m.

My mom soon discovered she could order dinner be brought to her room after 5 p.m. (for a fee), and she started to run up bills "ordering in." Took several months and quite a bit of cajoling before she adjusted and accepted a 4:30 dinner bell. The biggest "help" in her becoming adjusted was probably the progression of her dementia, as she became less able to tell time.

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Unless he is still very aware of the immediate geography then take him a long way around & tell him that you are farther away so he doesn't take it in his head to visit - also if/when you pick him do always do the long way - if you forget & he says that it is short tell him he dozed off a bit so missed some of the ride

Walking a mile for an English man is nothing so tell him it is 10 miles or whatever you think will be best

He'll adjust to eating but may take time - tell him that supper is actually high tea & that eating late is not encouraged at his time of life so main meal is now high tea & there is just a snack at dinner time - bring in some desserts etc for the first bit until he gets with the new schedule

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I ended up getting my dad a 1 cubic ft fridge for his room, small enough to sit on a nightstand. He didn't always like the food served and wouldn't eat, so I felt better knowing he could have a sandwich. He also liked sweets, so I could send homemade desserts and know it would be safe to eat when he and his roommate got to them.

I did have to clean it and his food drawer out weekly or it was a fright.

He never kept much but it made him feel more secure having the ability to eat if he got hungry. The quantity was not always as large as it should have been and they thought he should be forced to eat more veggies, he was in an AL care home that could accommodate 8 people.

I would give him some cookies or cupcakes for his first week, be sure and send enough for him to share, food is a common denominator and a great ice breaker.

Play it by ear and roll with the waves. It will take time to get him settled with all of his comforts in place.

He will be fine, good job.

Enjoy your special 50 celebration for hubby🎂

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Is this his choice to move to AL?
All moves are difficult.
Was he living on his own? or with you? Either way will be a difficult transition. From being in a small group to being in a "community". But he will get used to it as we all get used to change.
Most AL will have some snacks or light meal that he can have, or take a meal from the Dining Room and bring back to his apartment. He can then eat it when he wants to.
I am sure he will get used to the schedule that they have particularly when he makes friends and they all go to the Dining room together.
Since he is in AL not a Memory Care unit he will be able to leave at anytime so if he knows his way around you can expect to see him in your front yard. If he tends to wander and if he does have memory problems maybe AL is not the right choice.

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Yes it will be an adjustment for him. The adjustment may be quicker if, for a while, you visit him more frequently. Encourage him to participate in the activities. As for the cookies, why are you not supplying him with his choice of cookies? I'm not suggesting you pay for them. Use his money to buy him any snacks he wants--why not. If you are worried about his health eating too many cookies, don't be. Consider that you would not want me to tell you that you can't have cookies. He will get used to the new meal schedule. If he leaves the facility and wanders off, that is something to take up with them.

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My laugh for the day. I was talking to Number 1 daughter who takes care of her dad who is in assisted living. She went to his studio apartment and found about 50 cookies. Cookies were burned. The kitchen found out he loves burned cookies and they give him all their burned cookies. He is in hog heaven. When we were married if I didn't burn some cookies he would burn them himself over the gas stove. Stink up the house.

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Countrymouse is spot on! I wouldn't have anything more to add.

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Some AL facilities have a little coffee station with cookies and muffins available all day...
Let him adjust on his own- you can’t do it for him. Definitely tell the staff that he may wander away, especially if you’re concerned that he may show up at your house. Although, AL is different from Memory Care. AL residents are usually free to come and go, and some have cars. Memory Care will make sure he doesn’t elope.

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thank you all for your suggestions. the first night he sent my husband an email saying that he can only shower once a week abd he has nothing to drink. we still had to bring his tv so i talked to the staff . they said they needed to check with me about the shower and how safe it was for him to to do it himself. i cleared that up and they told us to get him a water bottle and then we brought his ice drinks. they just fill his bottle up . he is still on the kick he is a vegetarian. ironically , he ate a bologna sandwich. we told him he needs to eat lunch before he goes to the coffee shop. today we had to meet with his caseworker and i guess he was talking with some people last night. they moved the tables together and it seemed to work for everyone. however, today he told the caseworker that these senior citizens don’t talk much. i think it’s going to be okay. the sheriff department is putting a bracelet on him and with it getting colder he won’t want to be outside. i will say yesterday was emotionally exhausting . then this morning i went to wish my husband happy birthday and he was kinda down . it’s hard having to place a parent in a home. i feel numb myself. this doesn’t seem real. anyway thank you all for supporting me through this journey with my mom and my fil.

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update on my fil and his assisted visit. i took him that first sunday and got his newspaper and dropped him off at dunkin’ donuts while i did some shopping.?. everything was fine except he wanted to go grocery shopping for his frozen meals. i said he cannot afford to buy groceries and pay for room and board. he said he is a vegetarian once again, he has not been a vegetarian for years. i told him if he wants more vegetables just ask the girls will happily give him more. i had already talked to the staff. so, that was sunday and we left for our getaway on monday.He knew we were gone even though he has brain damage but he was pouting and wouldn’t do anything. he wanted to go to the coffee shop. well guess who got the phone call. the staff said they would take him if there was someone to bring him back. but he was more upset about not being able to take the bus. anyway i spent an hour of our getaway trying to arrange a ride for him even though someone would give him a ride home. the staff was even going to pick him up. I was going to set up a ride with his friend but he said let him stay and get used to the place. i told my husband next time i am handing you the phone. i feel alone again. we got back wednesday and i slept for hours when we got home. lee said it’s almost more stressful with him there. i stopped by on thursday and the girls told me that he took off on them. the one girl was by herself and he wanted to go for a walk, so she said sit on the porch and she was calling someone to come in. he couldn’t wait 10 minutes. he was doing laps in the parking lot. we need to talk to the owner because she said he can take the bus even or go for a walk but they need to get to know him and of course it will help when he gets his bracelet. however, my husband is supposed to do it and he said that is the last thing on the list. what list. then i got a call from a lady that lives right by there and she goes to the coffee shop every day. she said she took him to culver’s saturday and she is taking him to the coffee shop today. but she was saying how great he was and he doesn’t need to be there. she could never put someone there. yet she talked about how nice it is. that really hurt. i guess her husband use to curl with my fil. then she was going on about how he needs a new tv. we just bought it and i already told the staff.?its the cable company. i wish people would mind their own business. thank you for listening and letting me vent. i really thought things might get better. i need to be patient. good news the alcoholic son had his annual stop drinking day until at least january and he came in and saw him. he also has a farm with 600 sheep and works 10 hours at a regular job even when he is drinking. happy thanksgiving to you all. take care of yourselves.

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I’m really worried that this “coffee shop” obsession is going to be unmanageable, at least until he’s wearing the wander bracelet. Did I understand that’s not high on your husbands list? I think that should be #1. If they can’t keep him safe, it won’t matter if he’s socializing at meals or eating vegetables. What is the big draw at the coffee shop? Can you/ staff curtail it until after the wander bracelet is worn?
And try to let the buttinsky neighbors comments go in one ear and out the other....like “whaawhaawhaa” on Peanuts. She’s helpful for the time being taking FIL to the dreaded coffee shop, but eventually you may need to tell her to butt out.

The vegetarian thing made me laugh. Mom turns vegetarian occasionally at the NH. (She never was before) She told the dietician she doesn’t want to eat anything that had a mother. That goes on for a few weeks, then she forgets about it. Then back again.

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Staff, I hope you aren’t supporting FIL in all his complaining and issues at the facility and still trying to make everything right. That’s not yiur job anymore. And I think that neighbor lady is more of a detriment than a help, especially if she’s telling FIL he doesn’t need to be there.

Lee has had doubts about all this from the beginning. Now, he’s saying it’s more trouble that Dad is there No it’s not, and you need to tell Lee that. Period.

Rely on the facility to take take care of Dad. You don’t need to be involved in his care 24/7 any more. Time to start letting go..

You have a blessed Thanksgiving as well! ❤️

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i really want the assisted living place to take care of him instead of calling me every time it seems when we are in illinois. she called me to ask if my fil id is going to the coffee shop. i guess he had his coat and shoes on so she called me and asked me if he was going if not they would drop him off if he can get a ride home. yes there are people there who will drop him off but last time it took me an hour and i am trying to take care of my mom. and i don’t want to say no worries he will find a ride so i said he doesn’t need to go today. well they called me again about his medication and we were driving. guess what, that lady was just coming in the door. is it my responsibility to organize his schedule. am i supposed to check with his friend if he can take him home or pick him up . i don’t know what i am doing sometime so how am i supposed to do his social schedule. i know he won’t do activities at the assisted living place. but he has more of a social life than we do but am i supposed to organize his,,thank you all. Happy Thanksgiving 🍁🍽🦃. i am excited my mom is coming up and her little dog dahlia and my fil is coming over. it can be sad when i set up the table and there are two places missing. my mil and my daddy. it really hit me last year with daddy because i have spent every single thanksgiving with him. no if’s ands or butts. god bless you all

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Dahlia is a *gorgeous* name for a little dog! ((( At least there's one happy thought )))

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I agree with Ahmijoy - this is about setting new boundaries and managing not just FIL's but also the facility's and his friends' expectations of you. He is now in Assisted Living, it is their job to assist, and the thing to do is make it clearer by degrees, as firmly as might become necessary, that you are not in charge any more. Happy to visit, but not responsible for his diary.

Start redirecting requests and enquiries, and let your phone go to voicemail more often.

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FIL moves to assisted living on Tuesday and I was wondering if you can give me some ideas of what to expect from the transition.

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