Hi all - I guess all I am looking for here is your opinion, and to help me see something I may be missing?
We have had FIL with us for 2 long years now (I know not as long as some of the troopers on this site), but long enough for me anyway... Hubby and myself do not get away often, but have decided we absolutely have to have a vacay, away, by ourselves. FIL is not mean like some I have read about, but is a narcissist, has PD and is a stroke patient. The last time we went out of town for a couple of days to visit MIL out of town (they are divorced), we vetted a wonderful AL care facility in our town. When I say vetted, I mean vetted... I went over there 4 different times, and even took him to visit and meet others prior to his stay. They matched him up with other residents who had similar interests, etc.
Afterwards, he tells hubby in private that next time he prefers to just stay home. Well, next time came, and I made hubby do all of the advanced meal prep. etc., that it took to try to be away for 2-3 days. I do the meds....
NOW, due to increased risk of falls, etc., and the length of time, he absolutely cannot stay home. We cannot prepare enough meals in advance for him, and it simply does not make sense.
So hubs was pushing and pushing me to find a place to vacay, book it, and make the plan. Well I have, and it is 23 days away. I told hubs over a week ago that he needed to talk with his Dad about respite care at AL, or at least the alternative would be qualified, vetted "at home care", via a couple hours a day, or meals, etc.
Well here I am... waiting... I asked hubs yesterday if he had talk to FIL, he said yes, Dad would "think" about it, and let hubs know what he wanted to do... WHAT THE H_____. I had begged him not to give him a choice in the 1st place, but he just can't bring himself to make his Dad do anything he does not want to do. SO here we are..... I asked yesterday if FIL had said anything one way or the other.... nope nothing.
I had pre-arranged for a home health professional to come to the house to meet with him, make an assessment, etc., just in case that's what he decided. That was this morning. I cancelled the appt., I don't think it is fair to waste her time coming here, when he won't even make a decision.
I am going to pledge to myself, that I am NOT going to ask about this again... I am sure hubs will not want to miss a vacation, but he needs to realize that care decisions cannot be made at the last minute, and people are not just waiting in the wings to be called. I cannot believe he is just sitting here waiting for the King to make a decision. I am at the point that I almost wish it to be too late for find care/facility openings when and if he "does" decide, and I can enjoy a vacay right by myself.
Is it just me????!!!!
At the end of the vacation journey, here is how it went.
. ALF respite care- no go
. In home intermittent wellness, meal prep- no go. I had an agency lined up and they failed to get back to me....
. After all of this angst, were right back to hubs 1st inclination (advance meal prep & having our son check in)... again, not my choice, but basically said to hell with it, do what you want.
. I have to say that after all of this, our vacation really was most refreshing, and we were able to really talk, be ourselves, eat, drink, sleep when WE wanted. We realized that we had not been alone on vacation, real vacation, since our honeymoon, other than 3 days last winter. Did anything magically change with our situation.... nope, and did not expect it. But, I do think it helped re-set us as a couple, and hopefully we both recognize the vital necessity of time alone together, even if it means US having to leave while we are not alone in our house. A heartfelt thank you to all of my lifesavers out there... truly, if I had not been able to receive your feedback, I don’t think I would have made it!
i will be checking on your guys as well, and plan to be a on active part of this group well into the future, love to all🌸
And start planning your your next vacation. Plan during your weekly night out.
You are right on many counts, and I am SO sorry you have been working with this for 10 years!
You are right, it is "soul sucking" and only gets worse. I would dare to say that you may agree that, at the very least, it takes a really strong foundation to even contemplate taking on this long term task --- AND I don't have that.
We know that long term care will wipe him out completely with what little finance he has left, and we worry about what happens then; however, the toll it is taking on our lives cannot be measured, and I truly fear I may not be able to find my way "back" after all of this.
Sometimes the damage is just too great.
Stay tuned as I will update - but in the meantime, I am wishing you the best and asking for Blessings to come your way in your journey and much needed relief. Please take care of yourself!
it may be chi,dish or immature on my part, but I feel like I have done the work, and made it clear that the FIL care is in his court. Now I wait.... I guess I just feel that if it is important enough to hubs he will figure it out. I know he truly wants, needs and deserves this vacay. However, like anything that directly involves in him having to address things he deems “uncomfortable” with his dad, he sidesteps, and refuses to have the conversation. This will be interesting because of the fact that he really wants to go away and was the advocate for pushing for it... that is the difference now. Other issues have been my asking hubby to discuss better hygiene, etc. hubs makes sure his dad’s meals and tea are Johnny on the spot, and I am thankful for that, unless he is working, then it’s me. I work from home, which is a Blessing, but not when you are living in what equates to a depressive encounter with FIL everything single day.... no breaks. I have offered and offered to arrange for senior days out or Silver Sneakers exercise.... nope.... now I know that he is Very very limited with use of his extremities and balance, and I do feel really bad for him, as he used to be so active....
anyway, did not mean to write a book in response to your response! It is therapeutic to get it off your chest, thanks!
You are right, this particular task is his to do and he is squirming about it. So, I guess it will depend on just how much he wants to go on vacay. Like you said, I can always go by myself, and honestly that probably would do me a world of good.
Thank you again, and best wishes with the issues you may be dealing with.
Does DH have POA for his Dad or is he still considered competent.?
Don't wait for something to happen because it isn't going to. "Like Father like son" and FIL doesn't have any skin in this game.
You have two choices. Confront FIL and tell him you will be contacting the AL place today and making reservations for the day before your departure. If he wants other arrangements he can make them himself (even if he is not capable and knows it)
Start making plans for the things you will enjoy doing on this solo vacation. Include things you know DH would enjoy and don't hide these plans.
Think of a friend or relative who also needs a break and would enjoy sharing the trip. If He/she is also a caregiver to a not very demanding loved one suggest they stay with DH and FIL while you are gone. That might just get DH to put his boots on PDQ.
FIL is still competent, but granted me full POA so that I could handle his affairs, etc. AND you are right, FIL has NO skin in the game - as long as he has his creaky-a____ recliner, remote, cookies, he's good.
This is quickly boiling down now - It is not going to be easy to find short-term respite care, and after much debate (with myself), I have made up my mind I don't want someone coming to the house that I don't know.... so this really leaves hubs with two options - either respite care outside the home, or he stays here too.
I have warned him that he is not to ask our grown son to stay here because he runs a business and is going crazy all day and some nights. Plus, this is NOT a real solution - FIL needs to understand that he cannot simply sit here and act like nothing is going on. How very selfish - I swear I believe if hubs told him that he would stay home from vacay because of these reasons, he would not blink....
So, like you said, I may be enjoying this one alone, or partially with our grown daughter, who is expecting in lives in the same coastal town where the vacay is planned.
And, you were totally right, like father like son...... sits around with their head in the sand, waiting for whatever, then gets mad if you plow ahead and make plans.... not this time. This is one of the FEW times that the end result does not really affect me, so therefore, waiting them out will be interesting.... I am NOT saying one more word about it - I want hubs to feel the heat.
Thanks for letting me rant!
Your husband is trying to respect both his father's feelings and his autonomy - his right to decide whether he'll stay in respite care or not. Check, check, quite right in principle. However. Your FIL, while his feelings must still be regarded, is passing the point at which he is capable of assessing a situation and making an informed choice about how to handle it; and at *that* point it is unfair to FIL to place responsibility for the decision on him. If DH really wants to treat his father kindly he shouldn't put him in that position.
In your place, I think I would get DH and FIL in the same room and paying attention and tell, not ask, them about the assessment. Book and proceed. If FIL has any substantial objection he can then speak up (and you must listen, just in case it is a valid one, though I can't offhand think what that might be); but the chances are he won't.
Start the process, let it run, assume FIL is going into respite and DH is going with you; and with any luck you'll find that FIL prefers to comply (and grumble about it, but that's okay, he's allowed) than to go to the trouble of resisting.
DH doesn't want to be high-handed with his Dad and I respect that. But when it starts to become impractical and onerous for all of you, it's time to adjust.
FIL simply does not want to (not that I would either, really) acknowledge that he no longer is the strong athlete he once was, and that falling, etc., would be lethal.
I know this, I cannot continue to get myself so worked up about this, this task really is in hub's court and he wanted it that way.... So, I guess we will see what he does with is.
I may be on a solo-vacation, but I think will need it!
Stay tuned, and thank you again for your outreach and time!
It is sad that hubs cannot see that all of this unnecessary added stress, makes vacationing not so much fun. When you are exhausted (mentally) by the time you get there, what's the point! LOL
Stay tuned!