Financially providing for parents who are financially taking care of my younger sister and her child. Any advice?

Your parents need a reality check. If they want to be taken care of they need ro go by your rules.. want to keep providing for my sister then the both of you can hit the road

Sorry, this posted before I was ready. I meant younger sister. The bro hasn't seen Mom in a 2 years, or held a job for 10, yet delights in trashing me on Facebook. When I defend myself, I am the b $#&*. For years people have been telling me to let it go. I never understood this, because while I am letting go, I am still doing all of the work. But you do get peace of mind, which is invaluable. My advice is what others have said, disinvite the family, stop the money train and love from a distance. You will never be the favorite, no matter what you do. I just try to do the right thing for my mom. It's all I can do.

Wow, God bless all of you! I also have a major dysfunctional family. Brother lived off of parents for many years, brought his family to live off of them, then disappeared when the real work needed to be done. Thankfully, Mom refuses to give him anything. I agree that the money train has to stop, even if you can afford it. It will always be siphoned to the tounger sister

My sig other and I learned quickly not to write a check to his married daughter to get some school clothes/supplies for her children.... her mind set was she thought she couldn't go out the door unless she was wearing $200 blue jeans. We were thinking the money was being used by her, and not for the children.

So what we did was give the children gift cards to use at Target. Sig other would take them shopping. They got to spend the day with Grandpa and learn from him how to manage the gift card.

mclmini, by chance could you get your parents and niece gift cards to use. If Dad is into books and hardware, gift cards from those local stores that he has to use while visiting. For Mom, gift cards from stores you know don't carry those over-priced designed clothing. For niece, depending on her age, gift card from Claires for accessories if the store is in your area. Good luck.

As it was said, the $1000 is a gift and can be spent as they want. This is how two of my MILs sons looked at money they gave their Mom. If she used it for a friend or to take friends out to eat, OK. The other DIL didn't like it and wouldn't give her money. If u don't feel comfortable giving her the money then u need to tell them why. I'm assuming u r well off? You may, when ur Mom hints at you supporting them, that they need to start looking at the future. That it isn't fair they think that their support is ur responsility when they have more than one child. That u won't allow them to starve but they need to be aware of what is available to them. Then tell them you will be there to help but you will not support ur sister. Do this now so its in their minds. Tell them to make no decisions based on the fact they "think" u will support them. At no time tell them they can live with u. Don't think u and ur Mom can live together. Your sister needs to look to the future when ur parents won't be here. Now, I would do for the niece when I could but u owe nothing to ur sister.

You put your self in to the money bank spot now get out of it God helps those who helps them self see if your mom can brake her spending hapbbit cold turkey tell her No More money give it to the church or get a 20 yr savings bond for her child your mom stops coming so what saves you room and board and an ear full of buy me buy me she's addicted to money not love

Do not use your funds to take care of your parents! We were told that by more than one professional!

Loretta, there is at least one aspect of the OP's situation that is disjunctive - her sister is dependent on the parents but has expensive shopping habits. Regardless of whatever medical conditions she might have, there is no justification for being frivolous in shopping.

I understand your not wanting to be takrn advantage of but there is another way to think about it as well . Your elderly parents take care of your younger sister and her child . Do they have a lot of money? Has your sister got some reason for living with them and not being able to take care of herself ? Does she have a job ? . Can you afford the thousand dollars a year ? Do you like to see your parents each year? I don't believe they love your younger sister more. But they love her just as much and want her to have a good life as much as they want you to have a good life and especially her child . I am in the situation of your mother and father my husband has Alzheimer's we do not have a lot of money. One daughter lives with us, she does not have a child (thank God) but she has bipolar illness and ADD . She cannot maintain a job for very long. She cannot concentrate, she cannot focus on her goals, she cannot take control of her own life and live successfully. I find it sad that siblings of the disabled sister enjoy hundred thousand dollar weddings, cruises, European vacations; anything that they want really and yet resent their sister buying a Starbucks coffee because she is poor . She gets $800 a month disability. She does not drink, she does not smoke, she does not run with men. She works constantly but her mind will not let her be like the others are, independent and strong You know the Bible says to those whom much is given, much of them as expected. Maybe that doesn't mean much to you that's fine. But do you give money to March of Dimes? Cancer drive? Any of those charitable funds ? Why do you find it so hard to help your own ? We cannot judge another until we have walked in their shoes. Your parents are getting old and they have the responsibility of two other people besides their selves . Not because they favor your sister or they choose to do that but she is their child as well and they love her too. She for one reason or another is not as lucky as you and your situation . I can well imagine that your parents are very tired. A three-week vacation and a thousand dollars a year is not a lot to contribute to four people in your family. Do you contribute to United Way , to a cancer drive , to the fraternal order of police , etc. ? If you give to any of these organizations or even to your church why would you prefer to give to strangers when you know absolutely nothing about them but do not want to give to your elderly parents no matter how they chooze to spend it ?

A gift you give to your parents they can in turn do whatever they want. So if you don't like the idea of your younger sister/child getting the money. The next time vacation time comes around, tell your parent(s) in advance that you are financially having some issues and that you will only be able to let them stay with you, there is no extras to be handed out at this time. Even if its a little white lie, you are letting yourself off the hook. And make plans to do stuff at your house, don't go out eating or anything (since you don't have the money). They might just not want to visit anymore since the "money" is not flowing freely into their hands. its sad but sometimes people just like to take advantage of what others have when offered from your heart, but they just want to keep taking and not giving anything in return. good luck.

I agree with Frustrated that communication is the key; but I have to add that you're communicating with the wrong person. Of course your mother believes that if you give her spending money she can spend it freely. But if the problem is that you don't want to buy your sister presents, talk to your sister.

Your sister is living with your parents, and is dependent on them: have you also costed the work she does for them? Are they dependent on her caregiving?

WOW...thank the good Lord above for this site! I JUST came in from being at my mother's for 5 hrs. and this site is literally helping me keep my sanity!! I go to counseling every week (so my family think I'm the one who is nuts), but have gone for YEARS. I won't go into what happened today, but it is a scenario I have read in posts above and other places. I really PRAY for patience and forgiveness of 'those that do not see'. I have a very hard time with how people (family in this case) think they are entitled and greedy. THEN this 'favorite son', who everyone thinks the world of, spreads poison about me. OldBob1936, I enjoy your responses. Yes, I was the only girl with older and younger brother. The younger brother is the 'golden child'. It HURTS horribly to be judged on things NOT true or twisted. Dr. Phil's book 'Life Code' is excellent regarding these type of people. Trying NOT the react to 'their' nonchalant toxicity is HARD! I wish I could get everyone in family in one room like a trail, and put THEM in the hot seat to expose THEM! I am upset now, but had to vent! My mother lives alone, 92, I am 64 and have a bi-polar alcoholic son, and I have bad arthritis, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, IBS, anxiety attacks and PTSD and try to juggle all our appts. and shop and do for mom and son. What's 'left' I try and get MY appts. in. I was an attractive woman, but I've gained 80lbs, had knee replacement, and raised 3 sons on my own. (boys father out of lives most of their lives) I have 4 grandchildren. It's a miracle 2 sons doing ok and I'm blessed with beautiful grandkids. Even then, there is friction among my sons. I just want to run away from all the craziness! I have a cousin I am close to, and talk on phone for support. She is in 70's and also has alcoholic son and husband has Alzheimer's. We both tell each other hang in there. She is much calmer personality than I am, and WISH I was as calm as she handles things. (not that she isn't stressed) I'm doing deep breathing, and need to start walking and getting outside again. I loved it, but had isolated from the depression for 2 yrs. (other that HAVE to leave house). Well, I guess I went on longer than intended to. Thank you for ALL of you on this site. You ARE ALL LIFE SAVERS!

I agree with Camilles----People can't take advantage of you unless you allow them to.

Your parents are enabling your sister to be financially dependent on them. You certainly don't have to enable her to be financially dependent on you. If I were you, I'd make that crystal clear to your parents so your parents can let your sister know that the gravy train stops with them. Your sister can either learn how to get a job & support herself & her kid, or she can go live on the street. Let your parents throw their temper tantrums (it's easy to see where your sister learned her entitled behavior from) and try to make you feel guilty. You have no responsibility to support her. It's time for her to grow up.

You are not selfish for refusing to buy a designer handbag for your sister. Explain to your parents that your sister shouldn't be shopping if she doesn't have the money to pay for it, and she definitely shouldn't expect you to pay for it. It sounds like she is trying to impress people with designer items, trying to make them think she is independently wealthy or something. It sounds like your sister never grew up, and she now has her own child to take care of. Who is going to pay for the necessities of her kid if your parents can't do it? I feel bad for the kid in all of this. Hopefully she won't grow up to be like her mother.

I am only making an assumption here, but was the child that your sister had a "trap" for some guy so she could collect child support? That would seem to go right along with the information you've given us about how your sister is.

I'm just curious--how old are you, how old is your sister & how old is your sister's child? Does your sister have any job at all? Who does she live with? What does she do for money?

It's time for your sister to grow up, take some responsibility for herself & her kid and quit freeloading off your parents. She has to learn that her shopping habit will be based on how much she makes, not how much you're willing to buy for her. You should not harbor any guilt about this. What I would do if I were you is to start stressing to your niece that it is imperative that a girl/woman study & work hard, & be able to support herself so she doesn't have to rely on others for money. I don't know what your relationship is with your niece, but for the 3 weeks she is there with you in the summer, she will learn from your actions & see that you are able to support yourself & that you're not dependent on anyone for money. The important lessons we learn in life start when we're kids----if kids learn that they will get whatever they want from their parents/grandparents, and are not given any responsibility as kids, they grow up with severe entitlement syndromes & often cannot survive in the "real world" when they have to get a "real job" & can't stay in bed until noon, can't text on their smartphones all day while they're at work, can't stroll in to work whenever they feel like it, & have to comply with the rules of the job. It's happening more & more these days, too.

A toxic relationship can literally kill a person. The stress, anxiety, guilt, etc. It's not worth it. As others have said, life is too short. You need to draw a lIne, at a point that you are comfortable with. Then KNOW that their reaction to that line is on them, not you. Their choice!
And if they continue to foster negativity in the relationship draw another line. I loved the comment someone else made. There are no victims here, only volunteers.

McImini...your parents are taking advantage of your very generous heart. I feel you may possibly be bending over backwards for them as a way to somehow "buy" your way in to their good graces. They favor your sister, but expect you to foot the bill for their visits, AND give them $1k spending money?? Wow. How did that happen?

Funny in life how things just "get that way" over time. In my family, my mother's parents came to stay with us every year from September through May - 9 months! They lived up north and would "winter" down south with us, where the weather was mild. My mom said she felt sorry for them and felt responsible for their happiness, for some reason she never quite understood. Here she was taking care of her family of 4 unruly, close in age children + husband, and her two parents, year after year! Their visits were for the entire school year, so it interfered with our parents being able to help with homework, be more involved in our lives, since they were busy catering to the needs of the two 50+ year olds in the house. My grandparents rarely lifted a finger to help with all the cooking, cleaning, and running of the household. They acted like they were at a hotel, and took over my room for the duration of their stay. I went into my room once to look for something and my grandmother came in and chewed me out, saying "While we're here this is OUR room and you stay out!!" Wow, I sure wish I had been a more assertive child, I would have raised hell over that. But we were all taught to be passive and tiptoe around adults, so I didn't even tell my parents she said that to me. I can still see my mom hauling in the groceries packed into her station wagon...she would spend about $200/wk and that was back in the 60's-70's! They never paid a dime for anything, never took any interest in us kids, never took us anywhere. They were strictly there for the free meals, lodging and entertainment. Basically my mom let them take over our lives at the expense of her kids and husband. My mom started taking her frustration out on me and I felt squeezed out, so I moved in with my boyfriend at 19. They were horrified when they found out 2 weeks later, and my mom pleaded with me to move out of his apartment, saying I was "killing my grandparents". Good try at manipulation - I told her, no, now there's more food for them and I'm no longer in the way. This annual "visit" continued until they moved in with my parents after all of us kids had moved out on our own. At that point my mother felt totally suffocated and trapped.

My point in sharing all this is that at some point you must feel, like my mother, that you can't suddenly stop providing for someone after doing it for so long. She did it for so many years that she became their permanent doormat, even though they always favored her younger sister (she had a family too, but her husband put his foot down and limited their visits to 2 weeks). So when my grandparents were 75 and starting to actually need her help, my mom had already been taking care of them for the better part of 25 years! At that point she couldn't just suddenly stand up to them and stop doing what she had been doing for so long.

So the sooner you set your boundaries the better. They are using you to help them enable your sister's dependence. It will only get worse as they get older. It will be difficult and may cause a rift in the family, but in the long run you have to draw the line. Don't let this pattern continue for your lifetime...life is too short. And if they turn their backs on you for not continuing to fork over the cash and endure their long visits anymore, you will need to face the fact that maybe their love for you doesn't run very deep. I feel for you and the situation you are in, but only YOU can change it. I wish you the best!!

I think there is more to this story. You may want to explain if your sister is mentally able to be responsible for herself.

If it bothers you to give them money, then don't do it. Simple. It must give you some type of pleasure to give them spending money. Maybe more details will help the rest of us understand.

Mclmini, you don't say anything about the shape your mother is in with regard to future expectations on when and how she will need care? The $1,000 spending money would not be expected had it never begun and I'm assuming they must do some shopping independently of your company? That's very generous and I agree with a previous post that you can't monitor how they spend it. However, sounds like the handbag was a separate expected purchase and you had every right to refuse. You need to stand your ground on such things or it will never end. My husband is POA and caregiver for his mother who has always provided for her oldest son (who is deaf), and a lot of the trouble in settling into our new role was to get him out of her pockets. He still lives with her, sucks up her electricity, eats her food, messes up her house, etc., (some things you can't change) but can't have her money anymore since we manage it. However, she has Alzheimer's, he's the favorite, and we've seen that her mental health is dependent on his being with her. So we accept things for the way they are. There's no indication on your sister's situation except that she sounds spoiled and accustomed to being catered to by your mother. Change will need to come gradually but will have to come nonetheless if you'll have to care for your mother when she's no longer able. Maybe visits should be pared down to the amount of time you can be free to spend with them to treat them yourself to entertainments rather than giving them cash. Good luck!

BTW, like a lot of us evidently, I come from a very dysfunctional family. Lots of long standing 'rules' exist that none of us seem to understand how they even came to begin in the first place. My mother likes to scream at me that I am crazy but I am the only one who sensed the complete craziness in how my family dynamic worked and sought counseling! So when I run into the nastiness, lying and accusing I remember that I did the work to get my act together over 30 years ago and I am not ever regressing into that black hole of nuts. My own parents would come to our house for three or four weeks annually and it was the worst h*ll most of the time. They used to call us and tell us when they were coming. After a pattern of me bending over backwards and my mother flying off the handle repeatedly and calling people ranting about this and that, I told them 'no more'. My dad then, co dependent that he is, tried to appeal to my husband, who backed me up and shut him down. They then tried to shun me and freeze me out and I came to realize that it had the opposite effect. Peace, no drama-drama, and a whole lot cheaper than hosting them for that long! In a case like ours, I don't think we end up missing 'them' if this happens but end up realizing we never had what we thought we'd miss.

Communication is the key to any relationship. Keys can lock or unlock! Tell your parents you are not doing this anymore and that if you wanted to give this money and fun to your sister, you would have written her a check directly and invited her to visit! If they don't speak to you after that, I guess you know where you stand. I'm sorry but there are no victims here, just volunteers.

Hey Mclmini, wow you are really nice to host the vacation and generous with the spending $. 3 weeks is a long time if they're staying with you, I go nuts when anyone stays with me for over 3 days! :-) Think I'd be ready to head it off for next year, or at least shorten it if you're unhappy with it. Nothing wrong with that, maybe you could drop by their neck of the woods for a bit when YOU are on your vacation instead?

Unless your Sis is mentally or physically disabled, really no reason anyone should be giving her anything, much less expensive presents. (?) If she's just irresponsible, fixing everything for her is never going to teach her anything, except that is where "income" comes from, (from other people rather than a job). I saw a social experiment with a group of 6 year olds who were 3rd generation welfare recipients who were asked "what are you going to be when you grow up?". They laughed their heads off rather than answer they typical "Nurse, Fireman, Ballerina". When pressed further they said they weren't going to work. When asked where they were going to get their money to live, they all said, "mailbox". That's a bad path to lead someone down, your Mom needs to knock it off before it's too late.

Good luck to you!

People do not take advantage of us unless we allow it.
I have learned this the hard way, and take full responsibility for allowing it to happen.
So you now have a choice as to what you will allow to continue.

You are not six years old anymore. Now you have choices and it isn't required that you continue a pattern that was begun years ago, unless that is what you want.

Do you enjoy your parents visit? Usually visitors bring gifts to the host, take her out for a meal, treat everyone to a night out, SOMETHING to show their gratitude. Why are you not only playing hostess but also giving them money? Are you considerably more wealthy than they are?

Nevermind about your sister -- nothing you can do about that. But it really sounds to me like you are being used, and that has been your role since childhood. Don't like it? Change it.

You ain't gonna win this one was my first reaction...Then I got to thinking about it and felt like this is an opportunity for you to keep things in perspective and be satisfied to an extent that you have coped with this since you were a child. Favoritism to a sibling is not fun. I experienced it to a major degree. Now I just feel like my parents did the best they could, and logically would not have consciously acted in ways that resulted in me feeling diminished and uncared for. So, in effect, I gave them a break...How to handle? Well, the thousand dollars is a lot, unless one is very well off. If it is a big sacrifice for you, then you may just cut back perhaps by a fourth or a third. On the other hand, if you give her money, then it would seem to be troublesome to monitor her purchases. Do you want the bother?

She will continue to help your sister. Nothing you can do about that. Whether it is partly from what you give her or not, she will still help her and likely favor her, if I understand your comments.

Perhaps perspective this way would help. Imagine your pastor, priest, rabbi, whatever giving the eulogy when your time to go on to your reward has come:
Do you visualize the eulogizer saying "FreqFlyer would have had a truly satisfying life if only her mother had not favored her sister so openly." ???
Only saying.

We can't stop the birds from flying over our heads, but we can prevent them from building a nest in our hair. You have a very legitimate gripe. Dwell on it 5 minutes every day. Then spend five minutes writing down your gratitude list of ten items not including any repeats from the items of the previous day.

Grace + Peace,

Bob

mclmini, please clarify, is the money given to your parent just the $1k given to them when they come to visit... or are you also giving gifts of money to your parents through out the year?

I can fully understanding you not wanting to buy a very expensive handbag for your sister. One can just as easily carry one's wallet in a $39.95 on sale handbag as a $250.00 handbag. You can tell I am fugal, and my one handbag can last me for years :)

Anyway, it's your money you earned yourself, you can do with it as you please. Let Mom be mad at you... you can always turn off the ATM machine.

It sounds as though you are not entirely sure with how this trip/vacation/monetary gift situation came about in the first place. Perhaps it's time for you to start a new family tradition of taking yourself off on vacation and not entertaining family. No explanations are necessary;you have other plans this year. Your past actions were extremely generous, but once generosity becomes taken for granted, it's often time to pull back.

You have no obligation to support either your parents or your sister.

AK, good point about Medicaid's position on gifts to the younger sister.

This would be an easy one for me. No more handouts. Your parents are enabling your younger sister to be irresponsible. She needs to learn to support herself and her child and to live within her means. As for helping your parents financially as they age, that is entirely up to you. With a very few specific case exceptions, adult children are not responsible for supporting their parents. If mom and dad are "gifting" little sister financially, you may want to guide them to some info about how Medicaid feels about these gifts.

When a gift is made, it generally would beconsidered to allow recipient to spend as he/she chooses. Perhaps that's what your mother feels is her choice.

From now on, you might want to make the purchases for things your parents need yourself - that way there's no confusion about whether or not your mother can exercise discretion in how she uses the money.

Your mother is enabling your sister to be reliant and dependent on her but that doesn't mean that you must be as well.

I would continue to directly pay for expenses that I thought were necessary, but stop giving money that could be used for a sister who isn't providing for herself.

I think there are going to be some family battles, but you don't need to enable your mother to in turn enable your sister to be dependent.

What you could also do is secretly set aside some funds for your niece, as she may at some need that assistance.

I am adamant that someone who doesn't want to support him or herself will never get any help from me!