I have been married for 39 years to a narcissistic, controlling man who has been verbally, emotionally and financially abusive. Fast forward to who he has always been and now has brain damage and dementia, making him almost impossible to control. He is being evaluated by a neurologist and having a 2nd Neuro-Psychologist evaluation He didn't agree with the findings from the first Neuro-psychologist and I suggested he get a 2nd opinion just to get him to agree to these new evaluations. I took care of him for 3 1/2 years after the MVA we were in until it was killing me. His son agreed to take him and has had him now for 8 months and says his dad has to find a new place to live. The son has discovered who his dad really is and they have had awful altercations. The son finally told his dad he was never going to be able to drive (True!) and husband went at his son verbally. Son is done with his dad living next door to him in a very nice home and has said his dad has to be placed somewhere else as he cannot continue to take care of him. The professionals have said my husband needs to be placed elsewhere, most likely in a locked facility. I called a lady who helps match patients with the 'right' facility. After answering her questions about my husband's behavior (trying to strangle the caregiver, threatening to harm the caregiver, etc.), she stated she doubted there was any place that would take him and if they did and he acted out, they would give me 3 days to find a new facility! I cannot take him back into the home due to my poor health, the son is saying he has to leave and no facility to take him?I have the DPOA but it seems useless given his ability to change it if he finds out I am trying to place him. I saw a lawyer about getting conservatorship and after that meeting I realized I do not want to be his conservator, he is more than I can handle and will be out of control if I were to try to take away his 'rights' and oh, boy, do the patients have lots of rights which would enable him to cause my health to put me in the grave from the stress of it all. Please does anyone out there have any suggestions on what options I have at this point? I am really desperate, frantic and feeling like I have no rights at this point. I have no idea under which of the topics I should post this but finally selected this one.
You can understand why most memory care facilities cannot take violent residents. Mental Institutions or Mental Health Hospitals have been closed down right and left over the last couple of decades, but some do still exist. That may be the kind of placement he needs. You could discuss this with the second-opinion doctor. Or you can file for divorce and let this be someone else's problem.
To put my opinion in context: I was married 39 years. The last 10 years my husband had dementia. I took care of him at home all that time. He died on hospice care in our home. So I don't have a knee-jerk response to say "throw the bum out." But each case is different. In your case, the chances of you being able to do what is best for your husband and to help him have a quality life are slim to none. And the frustrating attempts are clearly bad for your health.
Make sure you are honest with any placement because if you mislead them or you didn't get enough info, then, yes, certainly, they may just discharge him back to you and you will have a hard time placing him elsewhere because he will be on record for violence or whatever.
PS. Even with DPOA (financial and medical) -- you do not have the legal right to force him to move from his home and into care without his consent UNLESS YOU HAVE A DOCTOR OR CASE WORKER that will declare him incompetent or determine that you and his current living situation is not adequate to meet his care needs. Check on this site's "LEGAL" tab for more information on what you can and can't do with a POA.
Good luck. You have a very difficult situation and I hope you can resolve and get some peace. As a last resort, you may need to speak with the neurologist and physician about managing his needs through drugs and therapy to improve the situation to at least "tolerable".
I certainly hope you have good success with your mother, sunflo2.
First of all, you can go to 10 neurologist, & he won't agree with any of them unless they say he is just fine. Still good to get a 2nd opinion & maybe an MRI /CAT scan. Can't see that they would declare him competant based on your description.
Also agreeing w/above - you will need Dr. & caseworker cooperation -- Doc's & caseworkers have heard it all before.... many, many times.
"Finanically abusive". OK, so that one has me a bit concerned -- is he still able to take money from you? Are you supporting him? Would his facility care be covered by insurance or would it bankrupt you?
Interesting thought -- he is living at his son's -- I don't THINK you need to allow him to move back in with you -- your son can kick him out (not hubby's "home", but I don't know that you are obligated to allow him back into your home ("unable to safely provide for his needs" & stick with it! He has abused past caregivers, so you are NOT able to care for him at home).
Maybe an assisted living facility that has a memory care wing onsite? He might behave better around non-family, & they should have the clout to transfer him to memory care if needed, with your/Dr. backing. It's sort of "tricking" him, but it does also allow him to remain "free" on good behavior. Per Sunflo2, often patients behave differently w/out family around to bully. Meds might help too, but facility will have to be competant to make sure he takes them.
It is time for you to take care of you and live your life in calm and safety. Set yourself up with a separate bank account that is in your name only and get yourself a good lawyer and let the state have your husband. I bet he will be happier in a good place that can attend better to his needs and health, and you will be happier when you can take care of your needs and health without worrying about having to take care of him.