How do you find the strength to keep going on?

I noticed that the OP said her husband had dementia but didn't identify what type. I immediately saw this as FTD as another poster said. However, it is a form of dementia, not what most people would call a mental illness. There is a caregivers support forum called ftdsupportforum which I have recommended to others. The type of behavior described by the OP is all too familiar to the caregivers there. If your loved one gets a dementia diagnosis, find out what kind. What you're facing is different depending on the type. Not everyone is forgetful...some have abdominal behavior, or other problems.

PS I meant to say, "... to give or to receive advice and support."

I agree with the posts after Sherry's last post and exit. I don't see any way someone here could have, or would have!, done such a thing. As Pamslegman said, anything on the internet can be traced by certain software. I think those of us who share our lives with each other on this site are looking to get or to receive advice and support. As they say about "the girls" sometimes, what is said here stays here (among the posters here). I thank all of you who are interested enough to respond to my questions and to indicate that you agree my postings. Yesterday my husband was cleared for a cystoscopy and eye surgery by a cardiologist , one on September 3 and the other on September 10. The clearance was needed to stop his blood thinner before the procedure and the surgery. (heart problems) I am delighted that at 87 (in 10 days), the cardiologist says that he is remarkably healthy. As my husband so wisely told me as we left the doctor's office, that doesn't mean everything will go smoothly. Anything could happen any time to anyone. He is preparing me for the uncertainty of life, and I love him for that and a million other things. I would appreciate your thoughts and prayers for both of us. You may be hearing from me soon in panic mode from the stress this is causing me to experience! :) (Just kidding; I am doing well. I really might need to share with you, though; and, I know some of you will be here for me.)

gosh did she really get fired? and why? big brother is watching us!!

Not to worry, Kazzaa. The poster is no longer on this site. She really did exit after that post. I don't think anyone here called her boss. Poor thing.

Im lost??

Sherry, I'm not sure why you think one here would call your job or what info we'd have to get you fired. I'm sorry that this has happened, and if by some chance it is someone here and not someone local, then yes, that's a terrible thing they did. Did you talk to the lawyer about the other issues of money, possible divorce, getting Leo on Medicaid? Those are the REALLY issues right now, don't get distracted from them. And from what you say in this last post, it does sound like Leo might have a dementia other than Alzheimers or some other problem altogether. Please consider further medical advice.

Maggie, many employers track internet activity at workstations. As a retired Telco tech, I will venture a guess that nobody called the boss, the boss had surveillance data from his IT department.

I have read this thread top to bottom and checked your profile. You gave no identifying information on here with which anyone could figure out who you are unless a friend or acquaintance of yours is on this site and recognizes your story.

If it is true that someone researched who you are and contacted your employer, you or anyone else, I think it's despicable. I haven't read this entire thread, and find what you claim to be somewhat unbelievable; but at face value? Despicable. I am very sorry this happened to you.

Be careful the information you give....some folks on here do not realize..dementia..one day the person can be off..the next day perfectly fine and forget what happened...one day he wants to go to college to be a forest ranger and get a diploma and new career...the hypersexuality did not last but 2 days and he is over that..now we shop at odd hours when the crowds are not in there...this is my last post...someone Called my job....thinking I work in the BIG CITY instead of at a little sea side lab where I go to work at 6AM and get off before people actually get to the office....my hours have been cut...thank you very much for mentioning this site..and letting me know it was someone overly concerned ....There is no help out here with dementia...and I was complaining about income and making a living...and letting you know my husbands pension is not much..he was good but there was no pay in those days...ALL I CAN SAY is I hope what you are doing to me comes back to you a million fold..that you feel the STRESS and PAIN of cutting my PAY in half a million times more than I DO...Leo had one bad day out of 74 years of life and I have OCDS to have perfection ...in cleaning and everything else....I was tired and over worked and no sleep and I shared my life with you..only for someone on here to SHOW me that you are evil....but that is ok..I get emergency food stamps...and since I just had a heart attack I will try to get some assistance...as well..I did not want to be a burden to tax payers and tried to work to make ends meet.....AGAIN...Be careful the personal info you give on here...do not put your zipcode or your place you work...there are some folks on here who set out to sabotage your life..I am having the entire situation reviewed by the board and Leos doctors and when we get the results...I plan to find out who the caller is and SUE this person .sometimes it is the only way to deal with people who take others lives into there own hands...Leo and I worked together...we go in a small little country work place, there are never people there...we are done before anyone arrives...he sweeps the porches, decks, knocks down spider webs, washes windows and doors and hauls heavy laundry...he is capable of doing all these things for pay...he works one day a week...and he is supervised...why does someone think they always know better ....and what is good for folks...and take matters into there own hands...??....You do not know me..or my husband..and words written in haste while extremely tired and hurt and sick of this disease...does not give anyone the right to invade in someones life....ALL I PRAY is what you dish out...comes back to you in a million fold...that someone interfere in your life....call your job...and take your livelihood away..!have your boss wonder about you..and your family..and your reputation on the line...!! YES..I do get tired...my mother has full blown dementia and she is a Narcissist..my brother is paralyzed on one side of his body and my husband has dementia...I am the only one with a income to buy the food we need here..and extras...Leos check does not cover this and the other bills...I opted out of getting a lot of medical test for my heart because We could not afford it...NOW THIS...BE CAREFUL WHAT INFO YOU GIVE...if you have your info where people can see your zip code and town..and job...they will do there best to see you totally lose your job! But the office does get all the INFORMATION from the caller and does a background check on the caller and and will do a check on us..and after 4 weeks it is a LAW that I can be given the report of who called ....and I will sue at that time I have contacted a lawyer already....SO NO ..I will not continue to VENT....cause...people see it as they want..instead of what it really is...a tired woman...complaining...like millions of others on here...who want to know..what happened to there life....!

Sherry!! Medicaid has special programs for the "Community Spouse" so you are not impoverished, and you will be one IF you can keep from going over the edge mentally. WHY are you so convinced there is nothing you can do? Guilt? Fear? Too hard to step back and see the forest for the trees? As I read back I realize we are assuming hubby is very egocentric and dementia has made it worse, but re-thinking the whole thing maybe he has true bipolar disease that has gone undiagnosed or misdiagnosed and untreated all his life...stranger things have happened. Enduring this God-awful mess as-is til the end of either you or him or both of you cannot possibly be what God wants from you; you have plenty of faith, so "more faith" is not the answer either. And, not to throw another monkey wrench into your current plan, but are you sure of the legal ramifications of selling the house and moving? Will it be to a different state where residency needs to be established? A house is normally an exempt asset when you apply for Medicaid. You sell it, and the money has to be spent down. Will the house even sell before you can't hang on to what's left of your sanity?

ProfeChari said something really, really important: "You really do have options to get Leo somewhere in treatment. You really do need to consult with a lawyer who can tell you what your options, for Leo and for you, are...If your sons knew about their dad's behavior, I am sure they would want you to do something. Have you told them what is going on?" Good God, Leo's landing in a geopsych would surely be better from a security standpoint than his being jailed for indecent behavior; from what I know (my dad had one, and felt he had to limit foriegn travel, which was probably correct) and can look up on the issue it is much more the mental health of the individual with the clearance, and even then if acknowledged and treated is not neccessarily a disqualification - and more the issue of foriegn ties or extremist pursuits of family members. If you really have that as a major reason for not acting as the situation really calls for, you can actually get adivce on it online as well: see clearancejobsblog/ask-your-clearance-questions-part-22-2/#comment-10730. Just moving closer to the kids won't improve Leo's illness or behavior - it would be more like attemtping a geographic cure.

What you are doing now is ruling out realistic ideas on the basis of limited knowledge; granted, while you are struggling to survive day to day and single-handedly cover up for everything hubby is getting into, it is very hard to independently investigate the facts and your options. At some point you have to stop just tearing your hair out over what a mess it all is, and hoping that rearranging the deck chairs again will stop the Titanic from sinking. The iceberg has hit and its going to hit again, harder. This is going nowhere good for either of you.

Look - instead of praying fretfully our of feelings of inadequacy and weakness, and hoping against hope the way you have been, why not pray more specifically that God will give you WISDOM and then strength to make the big changes that are really needed. God loves to hear and always favors prayers for wisdom. Always.

Sherry, I am sorry that people have left you/friends have. My mother has Alzheimer's and not one of her friends in 30 years has called her. We are your FRIENDS!!!!!!

much advice here. I don't know the circumstances. before you do anything. remember legal separation, keeps you on medical insurance and life insurance.

all the best to you and

One day at a time….. we are here for you.

I agree with check into the VA. My mother drawa a pension from my dad. If it was the vet drawing the pension it would be more, about $1800 per month I believe. If he has more than a certain amount of money, he can't get it. She only had about $7000 and her home. She got it. I'm assuming he's a vet.

Sorry, Sherry, I repeated what some others posted before I had a.chance to read their postings.

And, Sherry, do keep venting -- to this forum if nowhere else -- just being able to get things off your chest is such a relief!

By facility I didn't mean jail. I was thinking more of a hospital. If he has military benefits, his insurance will pay for a certain number of days in a hospital or a facility where he can receive treatment. You didn't mention age; but, if he is on Medicare, it will cover some time before his federal insurance starts counting. My mom had to have Medicaid assistance while in rehab.after her Blue Cross Blue shield Federal (my dad was retired military) and the Medicare days were up. They did not take her home or car. Although my dad was deceased, there are laws that protect the spouse. You really do have options to get Leo somewhere in treatment. You really do need to consult with a lawyer who can tell you what your options, for Leo and for you, are. Dementia is an illness, like Diabetes or any other illness. Neither Leo nor you could have prevented it or can control it. Some people haven't learned to accept mental illnesses; that is their problem. I had to forget what others would think when I turned to psychiatry, medicine, and hospitalization for depression. I was a full-time teacher at the time. That was 30 yrs ago, but it changed my life and has given me the insight to help and understand my mom. If you live near a military base, a legal officer will help you with no charge. A social worker at any hospital will help you,too. So, you can break that cycle you are in if you reach out to someone and get the facts. If your sons knew about their dad's behavior, I am sure they would want you to do something. Have you told them what is going on?

I am with you.......nothing in this world would convince me to let another man in my life. This is the 2nd disaster for me and I must have been out of my mind to do it a second time. I just want to laugh and enjoy life again before my time is up

The thing is...I do not want to give them HALF of $....Cause there is NOT MUCH to begin with...I will manage ..We are selling and moving closer to our kids...Thanks for your help...

Nursing homes/Medicaid cannot touch your house. The house & one car are exempt from Medicaid. You are the community spouse; you have that protection. The nursing home can only take 1/2 of your $$; if he's a veteran there is assistance available. Talk to the VA and the Social Service agency in your community.

Sherry, your sons are not going to lose security clearance because their dad has dementia. And you are not going to live in a tent if Leo goes to a Nursing Home. Get him evaluated and get yourself a reputable elder care attorney.

My sons have high security Jobs...Where they have to have clearance..they program US NAVY SHIPS...there parents and there friends have to be STABLE and Credit worthy and all that happy goo....I cannot send him to jail...cause they cannot associate with derelicts or that sort.....Every so often they do a background check and check on everyone they know... ..including us...My sons would never forgive me if I did this....I don't have a FINAL ANSWER...I am going day by day to survive, work and get through this...I see him fading away...and There is nothing I can do...there is no medication to stop it...I cannot afford a nursing home...sending him to one is like signing my own house over to the nursing home and I will end up in a tent...they do a SPIN DOWN here on what you own..to pay for nursing home care...I have no insurance for that...so I am the ONLY ANSWER....and now and then I get a bit cranky...tired and fed up with this disease and what it does...While I can still handle it...I will..till I cannot take it anymore....then I will consider my options...Needing insurance and being on his pension...is going to help...I have got the credit cards in control...stopped taking him places...to spend...and he does not go online...I am going to try stay on top of things...WE SHALL SEE...thank you all..so much...you are more help that you know...just knowing some one cares a bit..is more than you realize...I got no one here...friends don't like dementia...they left...all I do is work..come home...clean house..cook..and start over the next day....I have been deserted...!

Please forgive me if I read too much between the lines and arrived at the wrong conclusion, Sherry. It sounded as if you were thinking that there is nothing for you to do but to look forward to Heaven. After hearing more about Leo, I think it alarmed some of us for your safety and it was a strong indication that he is a danger to himself and others. I am glad to know that you have faith and are one of His children. Let Him take some of the stress and burdens you are carrying. In the meantime, I really think Leo needs to be in an appropriate facility, for his own sake as well as for those around him. Please don't take offense, because there is certainly none intended. I am concerned for you. I have always heard that it is better to postpone major decisions (selling your home, moving...) until you are not under stress or dealing with something high on the stress list (this man who has taken over Leo's body...). My husband and I tried to convince my mom of this after my dad's death. She made some immediate and impulsive decisions that caused her financial problems that she never was able to control again. Some of your friends on this site are retired from or in the "helping professions." We are trained to recognise symptoms of certain situations. I really think you are so immersed in your and Leo's situation that you can't see the forest for the trees. Please be proactive and contact Leo's doctor or a doctor for evaluation. You should talk to the doctor alone and tell him what you have shared with us. Hear what a professional says about him and be supportive of his recommendation, although it may be difficult. You can have many more seasons of your life before going to Heaven. You must be proactive immediately, though. Your current situation is not going to improve. You owe it to yourself and the Leo you once loved to do something now. I don't know anything about the legal aspects of what you are facing, but some others here have given you some knowledgeable advice. All any of us want for you is to be safe, secure, and calm. Then, you will be able to make wise and informed decisions. Since you are one of the faithful, lean on your faith and use the tools you have to make a better life for yourself. Accept that the man who is in Leo's body is not Leo and may be dangerous. I can't imagine how painful it is to see his body overtaken by whatever illness he has. It has, though, and you are living with this stranger who is dangerous. The Leo you knew and loved would want you to take action. I am sure I speak for some others who have been writing to you when I say I have grown to see you as a kind and good person. Anything that we say is because we care about you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

I guess life is a bowl of Cherries....if you PLANT the pits..you will grow trees with lots more Cherries...!!!! ...I am going to get through this....I am NOT looking forward to DYING....if this is what you think....You see..I live my life in constant prayer..and I am ready..I watch Shepherds Chapel on TV all day..I LOVE the LORD....I say grace and bless my meals and family...and my frame of mind about HEAVEN...may be different from yours...I am not saying THIS is depression...I am saying when my number is up...I am ready..but I am NOT GOING TO PUSH MY NUMBER ANY CLOSER !!! When GOD calls...and only then... is what I am saying....I am not depressed....I am upset..I am frustrated, I am angry, with this disease ...or what ever it is that has taken over Leo....we have decided to sell this house...and move closer to the kids...This is my way of seeing where I stand....once the house is sold....I might file for divorce...but it is complicated...with pension/insurance...so..We might just live in separate places and stay married...I sure do not want anyone else as long as I live...I AM DONE! I would never marry ...even if he came with a zillion dollars ..I do not wan no more MEN in my life...I think I will be a NUN....LOL the ICON PHOTO I used is one I painted...my love is in the LORD!!!! I wish I had more faith to see me threw this! ..some days I just cannot take it..

In Georgia, you can have an emergency intervention stating that he is a danger to himself or to others and the police will come out and take him to jail, he will go from there to be evaluated and depending on the evidence and the result of the evaluation, you are likely to be able to get guardianship over him. At least if you have him declared incompetent and you are still married to him you should be given control over the finances. Divorce is not the answer. It could put you in a worse situation. I agree that an attorney is in order.

Sherry - you are over the top because your situation is over the top. The things he has been doing to you are either criminal or they are due to dementia. DOCUMENT the threats and the stalker behavior however embarassing. His dementia has magnified his previous tendencies towards totally egocentric behavior.

I had to do something like what you did to rescue our finances from my husband's selfish financial mismanagement, spending liberally on his hobbies while bills went unpaid...he ran a small business into the ground...and you had the guts to make that change too. Divorce is not necessarily wrong in a situation like this where he is sexually disloyal as well as abusive, even from a Catholic perspective; don't rule it in or out without more perspecitve and more information. "As far as possible be at peace with everyone" but it is not possible in this situation and you are burning yourself out trying to do what is truly NO LONGER possible. He will not give anyone a POA, but a guardianship is different and involuntary, done through a court, and that's why I'm saying gather evidence; he can challenge it but given the behavior you are describing he would not succeed. You do not have to BE guardian necessarily, but someone needs to be. The VA nurse is not necessarily giving you correct advice. Do NOT let her words box you in. Find an independent, decent eldercare attorney. It is time to reach back for the courage you had earlier when you needed it, and take action, however drastic, that may be needed. Worry and stress do not help you here, because this already is a desperate situation that could get worse before it gets better, and action rather than worry about the bad things that will happen is needed, because bad things are already happening.

Oh Sherry, my heart is breaking for you. I don't know what to say to you or to advise you, because I have never dealt with anything close to what you are. I am not a spring chicken and have been through my share of pain in my life, though. (I am listening to these postings myself in order to have the courage and strength to deal with what is now a "life or death" physical situation with my husband.) I agree with Maddie, do something to get your husband into a facility and away from you before he kills you, himself, or someone else! You really need the assistance of his doctor. The doctor can sign certain papers that give him no choice in the matter. He is a danger to himself, to you, and to others. After learning of the stress of what you are going through causing you to have a heart attack and after reading your second posting, I am truly fearful for your safety. The doctor will know the law and what to do to protect him from himself and to protect the rest of the world from him. As for you, I sense a leaning toward looking forward to your own death as the only way to get out of your situation. I once told my doctor that I didn't want to die; but, if I knew life would never get better than it was, I didn't want to live. That caused my doctor to see through what I saying and to recommend being hospitalized for my depression. I was able to make my own decisions and had faith in my doctor's recommendation. So, I was hospitalized for my depression. The regular routine, being made to get dressed and care for myself, the medicine, and the talk therapy in groups and with the doctors made a big difference in my life. When I had rested (and you desperately need to rest!) and had time to clear my head with no outside influences or circumstances to worry about, I left the hospital with a different perspective on life. I felt empowered to make my own decisions and to live my own life....and, I saw reasons to want to live. I learned to be strong enough not to allow "toxic" people into my life. You are right about the man you are living with not being the man you married. A disease has changed him into someone you don't know. You are so embedded in this horrific situation, you can't see the forest for the trees. You must find a way to have your husband placed in an appropriate facility or to find a way to extract yourself from being at home with him. No one should have to live the way you are, and you don't have to. Listen to some of the other posting about whom to contact and the legalities of your situation; but, please make a commitment to become proactive and "do" something about your situation. You can't stay there and allow it to cause you to look forward to death as the only way out! You have many people on this wonderful site who care about you and want to help you; so, remember you are never alone although I am sure it feels like it. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Stay in touch with us.

Hon~I don't think you are dealing with Dementia...........This is a Mental disease sounds more like Picks disease. (Frontal lobe degeneration)
After hearing the rest of the story...........GET A DIVORCE before he kills you.My experience was awful too but it was nothing compared to yours!! You don't deserve to have to live like that...........

I am not really getting a divorce..33 years, 30 married...JUST so frustrated I want to scream..he wants to go to college to be a forest ranger, live with my son close to the college and then come for me in 4 years when he has a diploma and job..before that he was applying for Jobs, wanted to work on tractors, wanted to build the hospital, wanted build trusses at the factory...then he got Hyper-sexuality in dementia..he was wagging his tongue at ladies in walmart and they yelled at him and said no they would not date him..when we got home he started getting rope and tying it into loops on the end and duct tape and putting it in his OLD CAR..and I said what are you doing with that..and he said he was going to tie those bitches up who laughed at him and said not..they would not date him...OH GOD...I am so worn out..I am working 2 jobs.Living in Va...and him going to a Nurse practitioner, who says in VA there is nothing I can do....if he refuses treatment...He said he is not getting a POA....We have our own accounts...on some things...I have my own car, truck, he has his..I buy my own vehicles without his help and even bought several for him over the years....in the past..YOUTHFUL PAST..he used to get all my pay checks and we had one account....I stopped that after he asked me lets get a LOAN on the house for repairs...and the LOAN went to woman wine and song..and I had to pay the loan back......this is only the tip of the iceberg...We have had GOOD and BAD....in these 30 years.....I have made more money than him, owning waterfront commercial property and piers for boaters and Owned and operated several business...giving money to him trustingly and blindly ....till 10 years ago....when I decided to live off his income and save my money..off my 2 jobs...where I could...but he does not realize he is holding me accountable for the cc expediences....Even if my names are NOT on the cards..they can take it off the PROPERTY ...we OWN a house..and it can be sold ...and they can get there money.....I try to stop the JUNK MAIL...and he has TRIED to buy insurance on me...signing my name ....I found it..and told him..he was forging my name...then as usual it comes back to ..HOW many times over the years have you forged my name...???? I said what did I sign? What did I forge that was illegal? But he always bring every argument back to ME ...this is how he was trained in the navy....evasion ...I guess some things you never forget! GOD says..you can only get to heaven if you become as humble as a lil child....Well ..I know for a fact...this man could never become that humble on his own....He would not ask for forgiveness...as he has thought of himself as perfect..justifying ever act, good or bad in his own mind.....GOD must have a purpose for wanting him in heaven....cause this disease...makes you humble.....he will even bow his head and say a prayer with me now....DO I LIKE THIS MAN....he is NOT the man I married.....he looks like him..sounds like him....but it is NOT !....AM I STUCK...yep...I had a heart attack ...2 weeks ago...if I am lucky... I will go first and will not have to worry about any kind of future! CAUSE..I am very tired of working 2 jobs and having to worry about..him in an accident..perhaps killing someone..burning the house down, having demented thoughts...getting killed on the road if he tries to weed wack the ditch line when I am not looking, drowning in the pool, killing himself and the dog when taking a walk down the street...Wagging his tongue at women and there hubby may not know he is demented and knock him out...him falling down the stairs, or getting out a hunting rifle, ...there is to many things to drive me crazy....HEAVEN IS FOR REAL...and one day I hope to know it...cause I really cannot take to much of this...WORRY about losing my jobs...you name it..when you deal with a demented man...you just do not know..he is not frail..he is 220 pounds of muscle and bulk....and no one is going to tell him what to do just yet....not me..not anyone...when he is mad....he will kick a dent in your car, or run into your car with his if he wants...you just do not know!