I cannot take it....and I am GETTING OUT of this....ONE WAY...or the other..I want a divorce after 30 years.......I want HALF...of everything and my INSURANCE through is government INS...I have WORKED all my life and EARNED more than him and GAVE him most every PAY check I made...NOW he is spending like a FOOD and won't give me POA...and I AM OUT OF HERE before he drives off and kills someone...He is preparing to go on a 6hr drive to visit my SON and stay awhile....if me makes it there alive...my son will use the credit cards taking advantage of the situation.....he will prob trick him into signing a POA....I am sick of being the only one caring and the one who is the enemy...so if he wants me for an enemy...he is going to get one...I AM TO TIRED OF THIS ....and I am not going to live my life with a lunatic....if I keep this up...I will be the LUNATIC...I think it is time to CUT our LOSSES now...before we end up on the NEWS...and NANCY GRACE Is having a FIELD day with the outcome...when the SHIP starts SINKING...you be the captain...I am NOT going DOWN! ...I am Going to see a good lawyer and filing for Divorce...enough of this for me!
I cant add any advice, you already got it, but I understand the feeling... the stress, the loss of hope the loss of giving a darn and throwing in the towel. Your not alone and Im thinking of you with many hugs
Divorce him? Well, I have to say that, if the court finds him disabled, which it certainly sounds like he is? That might be rather difficult. You definitely need an attorney.
So then, I think, what would I do? Well, here it is: If you have joint accounts? Go check out all the money. If you have a checking account that he can write on? Close it and open one he can't. I'm assuming your assets are held jointly; wherever you can? Liquidate them and put them in your own name. Close all of your joint credit cards. (I'm not sure how easy this is to do actually, but I'd have a go at it.) And then? I'd be prepared for war.
Please understand, I'm not saying STEAL the money. I'm saying PROTECT it. By his spending habits (which I haven't particularly heard of regards dementia), I almost wonder if he's bi-polar...?
I sure do wish you well. And hang on tight. You can handle this.
Sounds like you need a mini vacation, it would do you a world of good. As far as him driving that is dangerous with dementia, call DMV and tell them the situation also talk to his doctor and his doc will get intouch with DMV and they will take his driving lic. I had to do my mom like that, she would go all over the road and get lost just going a few miles to town. One more peice of advice, reach inside yourself and fine the love you have for your husband, love will see you thru hard times.
First step; attorney, hopefully elder care. They are a wealth of information. Second, psychologist for yourself.
My husband is 60 and cannot carry on a coherent conversation. Tonight I got to buy men's Depends for the first time. He doesn't know our kids' ages (and sometimes doesn't know how many we have). He confuses me with his mother. He has a beautiful ring I bought him. He tells people his father have it to him. I know the truth and I see the sadness in his eyes when he can't understand or has to admit he doesn't remember.
Yes it sucks. Yes it's hard. It's not fair to either of you. Life isn't fair. It is what it is and we have to make the best of it. One of the most important things you can do is be proactive. Ways be a couple of steps ahead. Make the hard decisions before you need to. It's easier and then you're ready. Choose the assisted living or nursing home before you need it. Find out if you can qualify for Medicaid. Nursing homes are thousands per month. Do your homework. If you need help to do it, get help. A child, sibling, friend, social worker can all be support to you.
Good luck to all of you.
Sherry, although this may not be your solution, I do hope you can sort things out and find the solution that's right for you, and that you can ultimately find some peace.
I am also concerned that if he drives and causes an accident, that you might end up having to fork out some money if there was a lawsuit.
You need backup and the crisis assistance would be my first stop if I was dealing with all of this. They can find you a case manager who can see about getting a place in assisted living, can direct you to an elder lawyer, etc. Good luck.
He lied about everything.
I could no longer take it; talked with my attorney, planned to file for divorce. Attorney convinced me that a legal separation would be in my best interests......with divorce, if he owns the health insurance policy (through a job, etc.) the spouse will no longer be covered. If there's legal separation, spouse is still covered by the insurance...you're legallly separated, but still married. Take him off of your car insurance. All assets will be divided, you will no longer be responsible for his debts; if he has a car accident, you will not be responsible. Things have calmed down since the separation; I no longer feel that I hate him; I'm not responsible for his debts/liabilities. I have less to live on, but have some peace in my life. If I had stayed with him, we probably would have been bankrupt.
It's not easy financially, but so much better than the mental anquish. I did not make the decision in haste. It took a long time to come to the conclusion that the best option was legal separation.
I was also terrified he would kill someone with his car.
I had a great deal of compassion for him, still do, but no longer put up with the stalking, accusing, etc. Dementia is progressive and eventually, he'll be too sick and too tired to continue with the unbearable behavior.
Laughter is still the best medicine. Tears are cleansing too.
He now is in a phase where he refuses to go to bed and sits silently in a rocker staring out the window.If I try to talk to him I get "shut Up and leave me alone" So I do.......... Finally PEACE.......at least
How did I survive? I just made up my mind after supporting him for 30 yrs.(he decided he wasn't going to work since I made enough to support us) and putting up with his hateful controlling self I was not going to give him 1/2 of everything I'd worked for.........
I'm not sure I did the right thing........I still face the cost of Nursing home care and probably will end up bankrupt any way. If I had it to do again I would divorce him before he became totally dependant on me for food, care etc.
Good Luck with your decision but my advice is divorce him now and take your life back. I have lived in purgatory for 3 yrs...........and no hope for a life in the future. My life is over..........
I believe that you have been a good companion all of these years and probably not getting any help or support from any other family members. I know how That feels.
Please get the help and advice from those already mentioned, so that you can protect yourself. The elder care lawyer knows all about the different directions you can go in, and the dangers of going the wrong way.
Good luck sweetie, keep us updated, and take a deep breath and let it out...(Or do like me and go out to the garage, shut the door, and SCREAM).
God Bless You
Time to step back analyze your situation and then proceed. First, book an appointment with an elder lawyer who has the ability for divorce if that is your desire. I think you can get your husband declared incompetent, and be in charge of the financial decisions, to safeguard the family assets. If you are divorcing him the courts will have to decide what to do with him, probably a nursing home which will spend down his part of the assets. Find out where that leaves you financially if you are dependent on his ss benefits and or pension either now or in the future.
From your post you mentioned a son, he needs to step up to do some respite care so you can gather yourself together but it sounds like you don't trust him --perhaps he isn't dependable. Could another relative come to stay with the husband so you can leave and rest? You need an immediate chance to rest. Ask if you can get respite care for the husband for at least a week. You need to regain your perspective so whatever decisions you make are in your best interest too. A clear head is required going forward. Get sleep and eat properly for the short run.