Where to begin...
It's been a hell of a year for all of us and in my case 2021 started with Dad getting Covid in January and passing. Fortunately, despite residing in NY I was able to cross the border into Canada to be with him when he passed. There I was alone in Ontario and 3 days after I lost him I ended up in the hospital when my hip replacement dislocated forcing me to stay an additional 6 weeks to recuperate at an Airbnb before driving the 9 hours home. There are no aunts, uncles or cousins and my bros and I are estranged so I grieved alone since hubby is American and did not enter Canada to come get me. His mom was instrumental in this decision...she was worried he'd get Covid and since he's not a paperwork kinda guy, he couldn't figure out how to apply to cross the border for compassionate reasons. (Normally I'd be very accepting, even forgiving, but he didn't drive up for my mom's funeral in 2019 either so I'm rather raw still)
My MIL had been good about checking in on me while I cared for my parents specifically since 2019 when things started to go downhill. However, once he passed it seems she felt the mission was accomplished, no need to call anymore, and I've been coping alone since. I'll add the day after Dad was interred (just me on crutches in the middle of February in Canada and one of Dad's kindly nurses that didn't want me taking a cab to a cemetery) MIL told me that "...nothing compares to my pain..." after losing her eldest son 32 yrs earlier which isn't what a newly orphaned person needs to hear the day after she buries her dad. (and for people with children, no doubt this is true but her son and I are childless and I'm adopted so I've already been an orphan once. Suffice to say it was a kick in the teeth.)
Fast forward to this week. MIL's brother has been ill since March and my hubby has listened to his mom say "...it would be better if he passed, this is no quality of life..." repeatedly, so imagine his surprise when he got an email this morning telling him that even tho she insisted we not "bother" to attend the funeral (yesterday) she's heartbroken that her two remaining sons aren't calling daily to check on her in this time of grief.
I can't help but feel I'm dropping the ball here by not sitting hubby down and teaching him to be compassionate (even tho we're both in our late 50's) but after what I went thru I'm not feeling very charitable and am inclined to keep my nose out of it. The sympathy cards have been sent to Aunt and cousins (uncle's wife and kids) so I'm not sure how much more I should get involved. Anyone want to let me off the hook or am I way off base?
Compassion fatigue is real & running on empty is not sustainable imho.
Rebuilding compassion takes time & self-care. Doing things that bring you joy or peace.
For me it's walks in nature, time in a library, old films or a new hobby. Even with that,
I still feel I am running with the fuel warning light on..
The problem seems to be that you are married to what Bridget Jones would call an emotional f***wit. Yes?
Well. MIL raised him. How is it your fault, or she your problem?
He didn't see the need to accompany you to your mother's funeral. You accept that being incapable of sorting out a few forms is a valid reason for his not having supported you through bereavement and hospitalisation. Now his mother's brother dies, he takes literally her remarks about his long illness and poor quality of life, and interprets them as meaning that she's now relieved and in no need of so much as a phone call.
Your husband is an idiot. Sitting him down and speaking to him is unlikely to improve this, however, and you love him all the same.
Call your MIL yourself, if you like, woman to woman. Don't refer to the email. People have to take people as they come, and if MIL has a bone to pick with her sons she can do it herself.
The "competitive grief" error she made was crashingly tactless, but you seem to be making good progress on forgiving her for it and I think it's your best course of action. Yes, you will be feeling raw, it's been not one but several years of "one dam' thing after another," and it's a great credit to you that you are even considering trying to correct DH's shortcomings.
Ah, tactlessness... I told a co-worker that she mustn't mind if I was a bit quiet one day, it was the anniversary of my father's sudden death from a heart attack. She spent the next hour (we were car-sharing) telling me all about the ordeal she'd been through when her own father had a major heart attack - which he survived. She *meant* to be sympathetic.
You certainly are off the hook, you are doing great, let the passage of time do its work and let others be themselves. You are not responsible for their actions.
I have to tell you, I hope at some point I'll be able to get over my husband's bad behavior but I am both furious and heartbroken (as well as mad a myself for accepting such bad behavior)STILL.
He's got an interesting approach to dying and death and says things like "you're never alone, they're still here with you..." which to him seems to equal, "...and therefore my services aren't needed. You're strong, you've got this..." which sounds lovely but didn't really do the trick when I was 500 miles away from home with zero support system. I will get over this, it's just going to take some time.
Again, many thanks.
I think you are going to be okay, you may be an emotional empath, like so many caregivers.
Glad your hip is better!
Here are some flowers for you! 🌸🌸🌸🌹🌹💐🌷🌺🌻
In Memory of your Mother and Father.
So sorry for your loss and the very tough time you are going through. It was your Dad!
Sounds as if your Mil has confusing expectations that both you and your husband cannot meet. (No one could). Try not to over-think this situation and allow her grief to divide you. In other words, don't sit your husband down and try to 'teach' him compassion.
You have sent condolences.
After all you went through alone, your feelings are understandable, and feeling still raw describes it well.
If anything, you might try to send your Mil a small arrangement of flowers or a plant (sorry for your loss of your brother) from both of you. Then stay out of it.
There is a whole lot going on here with you. If you were to take out your Mil from the equation, strip it down further making your dH's lack of compassion for your own loss irrelevant, you are left with the recent loss of your own father.
That is enough for you to deal with in 2021. So sorry for your loss, and that you are facing it alone.
How is your hip replacement today? Are you on pain medications, and can you walk ok yet?
P.S. Hard to find compassion for others when you are in need of it for yourself!
Sendhelp, as for the hip, believe it or not I got my first replacement almost 41 years ago due to a MVA at 17 so fortunately I've had a lot of experience convalescing and using crutches. Resting for 6 weeks helped a great deal and once I was home I was able to get back to PT so I'm happy to say even as early as May I was free of pain and without a limp. (Fortunately for me I'm not a fan of the way I feel on pain meds so I used them for the first 10 days then was able to cope no problem. Funny, I have a high threshold for physical pain, it's the emotional pain that can bring me to my knees.)
Again, my thanks to you all!
You know what's the "right" thing to do, but frankly, it won't make one difference whether you send her a sympathy card or not. Since it does seem to bother you ever so slightly, send her a generic sympathy card, sign your name and move on.
For your own sake, if for nobody else’s. She’ll never stop moaning about it otherwise. It’s always best to be the bigger person, and not sink down to their level.
Take the moral high ground.
See how extravagant you can be! Have fun!
I would feel the same way you do. Just when YOU need someone, they aren't there. I may call and see how she is doing but it would not be daily. That's her son's responsibility.
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