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My mother lives with me. She has mild memory loss. She wakes up disoriented and gets confused about meals. I would like to go away for a few days, but I need someone to be with her in the morning when she gets up and to feed her. Other than that, she is currently fine on her own.

We don't live near anyone that could help out. We don't belong to a church or other groups that might have people we could ask.

I'm not quite sure what to do. I started looking into respite care centers. So far, they all seem to require a minimum two-week stay. That would be too expensive for us and too long. Mom gets disoriented when she stays away from home, too, so two weeks away would be really confusing for her, I think.

I was thinking of finding someone who could possibly just come and stay a couple days. Does anyone have advice on how to find someone reliable?

I would have the person meet mom and see what she thinks, too. It would obviously have to be someone who she is sympatico with or she wouldn't agree to it. In fact, I know she won't like it - regardless what it's called, she's going to call it "baby sitting" and insist that she's not a baby. But, that's a different hurdle and I'll just have to sit down with her and discuss it.

I was also wondering if anyone knows of programs for respite care that are reduced-cost. I keep meaning to call the VA to ask but it's on my "to do" list (that continues to get longer faster than I get to it :-) ).

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If you have access to the VA definitely give them a call They have a couple of different programs that may be useful to you. I got help by calling his primary and requesting a social worker. She can explain the programs for you. Hope this works out for you. God Bless
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Correction to post above. I meant to say I think there was NO costs to the family for this respite care from the Senior Center.
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I was recently informed that our local Senior Center offered respite care for home care providers who need some time off. I don't know the details, but I would certainly check it out as I believe that it was of costs to the family. In NC, most counties have a Senior Center. It's supported by various state and local governments. You may have them in your area too.
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Here in Downeast Maine, we provide short term respite care and short term assisted living vacations for guests who need a bit of help.
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Make list of the questions that are most important to you based on her needs and yours. Then go from there. You can find a good caregiver through an agency or check the local ads. Ask for references. We used a local agency. They were a huge help the last few weeks.
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And yet more great advice. Thanks.

One or more responses mentioned checking with places like assisted living. I will mention that there is a Senior Living Week here in Ann Arbor around March/April, I believe. My mom had only just moved in with me for this last one, so I didn't go, but we are planning to attend the next one.

Our goal had been to pick a place for mom in case I die. I want to make sure that if anything happens to me that someone will come and get her and take her someplace that is a good fit for her and that all the details are taken care of (financials, medicaid, whatever). But I realize I could use those visits to ask about places for her to stay during my trips. And, honestly, I don't think I'll try to go anywhere until next Spring/Summer, so I can start looking into some of these other programs that take some time to get the paperwork for, as well.

And, yes, my deceased dad was a war veteran, as well as being retired from the US Army. So, my mom is eligible for surviving spouse benefits.
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Depending where you live, here in California there is a program called In-home Supportive Services for low income seniors with impairments. The worse a persons health is they are given more hours of service. A care giver goes out to to home cooks, cleans, gives meds, goes shopping, etc. IHSS pays the caregiver. There should also be a Dept. Of Aging in all areas. They too assist with providing for caregivers, provide transportation for doctor visits and more depending on your state.
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I live in NC and my mom lives with me. Care Solutions helped me for a while. They said that I was approved to received 36 hours of respite with a $25 co-pay. I could used these hours any way that I wanted to. I used them 4 hours a week so they would last longer. When time ran out, I got approved for 36 more hours. Those hours sure have ran out fast. But they were free all but the co-pay. Again that was Care Solutions in NC.
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In every state there is a dept of aging or senior care to answer question s of res pite care or home health care my husband finally ended up in e.r. after falling with boiling soup w biurns all over now in nh..first break after two yrs. Try all nh in your area for answering all question s related. .
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If you dad served in a war their is home health money available for your mom if she is disabled. It's called and attendance for War Era Veterans and Surviving Spouses. It's a very under used program because most don't know about it. Hope this helps.
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In home non-medical care may be less costly than respite care in an assisted living facility for you. I would estimate mom would need some time in the morning to get up, get breakfast, settle in, have the caregiver prepare lunch, and then some time in the evening to prepare dinner and check in again on mom before the evening. However, if your mom needs more redirection/assistance, then respite care in a facility might be your best bet.

Many assisted living facilities will have specific areas for respite care where mom could go for a couple of days. This way her meds will be given, she will get three hot meals/day, activities, etc. Depending on her income you may find a facility where the costs are lower based on income or who takes those residents whom are on Medicaid. However, the time to get this processed may not be worth the savings.

In home non-medical care can sometimes be subsidized by the county you live in depending also on income. Check with your local department on aging to see what resources are available to mom.
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Lots of good advice. Thanks to all.

The decision to have her stay at home versus going somewhere else is a tough one. In a way, it would be easier to take her somewhere else for care when I'm gone, but she just gets so disoriented when she stays away from home for a few days that it does mean that I'll be the one helping her get reoriented when she returns home. So, it's probably a six-of-one-half-dozen-of-another situation. I suspect whichever is cheaper will sway me.

And, yes, I do care about finding good care but we have limited means and that's the bottom line to it. I wouldn't leave her with someone we weren't comfortable with just for us to save money, of course. If that was the case, I would end up not being able to go away, quite honestly. So, I really appreciate all the tips on places to find money to put toward these things.
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You can check local listings for in-home care and they will charge by the hr -- about $20/hr to stay with loved one. They will do short stints or extended care. The agency should be bonded and insured.

At least she can be in her own home..but, respite care offered at local AL is more economical and meals, activities are included. My FIL goes a couple times a yr for long weekends or extended stays at $150/day.
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I would try to engage an agency for a day (6 to 8 hours) for a couple of weeks. This way you can judge how great a job the caregiver does, and see if your mother likes the caregiver. Judge their interactions. I would do this for a month or so before trying to go away for a couple of days. You want to be comfortable with having the caregiver say overnight in the home. Once you and mom are comfortable arrange for the caregiver to stay for a couple of days for a real respite trip for yourself.

I would use money for regular care however, just knowing you are not "on" 24/7 for extended periods of time will make her care much better.
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I live in California and before mom moved into AL
I hired a place called affordable caregivers. It was $12/hr with a 4 hour min and a very small fee to the agency
The girl was a godsend and really helped me out tremendously
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I hope everyone has a department of aging!!!! Amazing what they can help with
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Our Dept On Aging provides $500 for me to pay a caregiver....You can divide that any way you want. If you can find someone for $8/hr it goes further. I pay them $10/hr and take a few hours here & there. I'm in NC....I sure wish we had Alabama's $1,200 rule. Rebecca
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I just clicked answer and now am reading igloo572's response, which is pretty much what I was going to say. My husband is now in NH and since being placed there I discovered that many of the staff moonlight. Since they already have full time jobs they are willing to take short or unusual hours and they are already trained and screened. Wish I had known this while I was struggling to find some in home respite help.
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A friend passed this one along to me- for the taking of the keys and driving issue. You tell your parent that you will sorry and miss them if they have an accident and get hurt or die, but that you can not in good conscience let them drive and hurt anybody else- especially a child. Of course it's been seven years since "I made my mother stop driving and sold her car". That would be the woman who can't see out of one eye and the one I get large print books for weekly from the library for ten years. That car would be the one I was keeping up the maintenance, paperwork and trying to drive every two weeks. The other helpful bit, is when the "I won't be here much longer" gets played is to say "fine, since you know when you are going to go, tell me and I'll pencil it on my schedule" and/or reminding them having lived X years and the IRS says they will live to X+more and you believe the IRS because the government wants the money. After so many years dealing with my mom, I am down to cribbing the social workers "you are free to make unwise and foolish choices" with my version- I will not be the one to take you to the emergency room, again or visit you in rehab. I am done. My brother (ha- and she knows it) will have to do it. I currently count 3 friends whose equally stubborn mothers crashed and lay on the floor from several to 56 hours, because they were not wearing or did not push the lifeline buttons. I'm so burned out from dealing with what she won't, I am the one who won't now. It frustrates me no end that senior facilities can use the "activities of daily living" scale to charge more but we can't make laws that invoke a safety removal for people with age related dementia who can no longer perform ADL's on their own. Little Old Lady syndrome, a not so LOL for mostly daughters, has refusal to move to safe choices as one of its key symptoms. Still, I agree that being positive and cheerful redirection keeps the agitation/resistance down but it gets harder and harder to do. At some point, you also have to acknowledge you have no control over what is going to happen-the crash and burn- but you can still pull down your own oxygen mask so to speak, once you have done what you can and told all possible responsible parties what's coming. It's insane but there is no sensible planning from within our communities to deal with the elderly, like you did not pass the stay at home test and so you either get in-home help or move to a facility. I can at least have a sensible plan for myself.
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If there is a Personal Care Home in your area you may want to call and ask them if they do Respite Stay. Personal Care Homes are usually private homes that have been turned into an Assisted Living Community. Some Independent Living Communities offer short term stay. Generally the cost is anywhere from 75-150 per day for Respite. However the resident gets all of the amenities that the residents get such as meals, housekeeping, laundry, activities. It is worth looking into.
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If there is a NH or AL nearby, I'd see if any of their staff would want to "work their weekend off" to take care of your mom. They are used to dealing with whatever mom can throw at them too. Plus if in the future, mom needs to move to a facility and it's where the caregiver works, the transition could all be smoother.
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I meant $1200 a year. They take $14 hour out for every hour the respite caregiver helps me out with my Mom. They also have the approved list of screened caregivers.
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I live in Alabama and get free vouchers for $1200 hours of respite care through the Department of Aging. Not based on income! It is based on need. Contact your local Department of aging. You should be able to google it. Good luck
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I attended a caregiver's conference a while ago and they suggested giving orange juice with morning pills before the patient gets out of bed. The sugar is low at that time and causes more confusion. I have noticed it in my husband. After he is up and eats he does much better. As for the respite care all of the suggestions are good. You need a break, take one. I had a lot of trouble with this too. Bill said, "I am not a baby and I do not need a babysitter! " He would get angry. Finally he did wander off and fell and had a concussion, so I used it as leverage to say you can't be alone. He understood. Unfortunately that was in April, and he has now forgotten the whole incident, including being flown in a helicopter to the Shock Trauma unit and ending up in a veteran's home for REHAB. Can't believe he can't remember any of it. But that is the way of the disease. He now goes to a day care situation one day a week. He does not like it, but he does go. I had to argue with him for about two months before he started going without protesting. He would stamp his feet like a little kid, say "I'm not going!" and then he would go! I just kept telling he had to go! It was scary for me, but he did finally decide to go without arguing. I have just been approved by the VA for aid for the Adult medical Day Care. They will pay for two days a week now. Go and talk to the VA. They can offer some help!
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Also check with your local hospice. Depending on their services, they may be able to help with respite care from time to time. Our local hospice has been able to take my loved one for a 3-4 days 24/7 to give me a much needed break / vacation. I could rest knowing they were in good hands. Worth checking out.
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I'd start with an in-home care agency. Most will work by the hour so you may want to continue with a little help even after your break. All of the suggestions here have merit. Please let us know how you are getting along.
Carol
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I too would look into hiring either a Home Care agency to provide short term, respite help or find senior housing that provides this. Residential Care Homes also might be open to this if they have a vacancy. You can also call a professional Geriatric Care Manager to get some leads.
You might also realize that getting a little help now is a gateway to lining up more assistance / respite in the future to continue taking care of yourself.
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I have used HomeInstead here in Northborough, Massachusetts for 24/7 coverage when I was hospitalized. They provided in-home care so my ADW did not have to go someplace new to her,

I'd suggest Home Instead Senior Care call Greg he is owner: Ann Arbor 2160 S. Huron Parkway Ann Arbor, MI 48104
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Website Care, in my opinion, because I am a caregiver on this site, is exceptional, but as usual, always do your best to interview, and check references and backgrounds. Even though they do that, most will pay for a one state only not all 50 states. Ask them to pay for a preferred check. That is all 50 states.

I had my mother and father live with us. She was diagnosed with alzheimer's disease 8 years ago. Now she is in Aegis full time. Thriving doing well. I thought we would Never put her anywhere, but this has been the best situation by far.
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Many Assisted Living places, Aegis, etc. take respite for a week or a weekend.
Regardless of what she calls it. We in the caregiving world need to realize that we will get "burned out" if once in a blue moon our needs do not get met.

She will not understand, so my advice is to just tell her the morning of. If she truly has and I believe you dementia. The reason I say that, is because she will and I am not saying this with any meanness, just the reality of the word, get mean, nasty, make you feel guilty. Go have fun, and remember, the loving person you can be on the time you are back home with her. I am sorry, alzheimer's and dementia do not understand the needs of others, they end up as some say very self centered. Just remember, it is the disease.

all the best.
d
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