So to give some contact I’ve essentially soft-adopted a second grandmother. I met Mary one day at the end of my shift at a supermarket. She is a sweet elderly Hispanic lady who is incredibly active and sharp for her age (pushing 85 years old). The circumstances for me meeting her were pretty unfortunate. She was left behind at the store by someone who she arranged (and paid in advance) to drive her to the store and back home. She was asking around for help and being that my shift was ending, I decided to take it upon myself to drive her home and help her with the $200 order she had. I loaded her groceries into my car and drove her 30 minutes to her home. She lives alone in what she called a “finca” (Spanish for farm), 10 miles from my store and then another couple of miles down a dilapidated dirt road. Her husband passed away 3 years ago from cancer and she never had any children. I learned Spanish as a second language and can communicate with her but can only pick out bits and pieces of her life. Long story short , she really doesn’t have anyone to depend on. Her closest ties were to her neighbor but after they left her at the store that day, that relationship is rocky to say the least.
Pre-covid I would pick her up and take her to the bank / grocery store about once a month to make sure she had food and her financials in order. I don’t know much about her financial status but I’m pretty sure she is on Social Security and has a steady government income.
Now with Covid , she (rightfully and fully understandably) is terrified of the outside world. Living in Miami Dade County it would be very risky to go out with her and when I do any grocery shopping for her I make sure I disinfect the groceries and always wear a mask around her. Since she can’t go with me to the store, I have her give me a list and then give me a check for the groceries when I deliver them.
I am planning on doing another grocery order for her tomorrow and she informed me that she will be writing the last physical check she has. Without a way for her to go out and go to the bank and receive more, I’m wondering how I can help her. I would love to provide the groceries and essentials she needs but being a young full time supermarket employee, I can’t sustain her needs and have expenses of my own.
To make matters more complicated her mail Box is a couple miles away from her house (P.O. Box style) and she recently lost / misplaced the key. I am afraid that without access to the mailbox to retrieve her bills and even more checks from the bank, this act of kindness will spiral into a frantic rush to make sure she stays alive.
I’m new to this forum and I’m new to caregiving. Sorry if this post was too long and a bit winded but I really don’t have anyone to talk to about this situation. My parents want me to contact social services but given her house location and the current pandemic , I don’t know how much good introducing her to a new system / life style would do.
thanks for reading and I’m interested to see what the opinion is on my situation
-Rob
I don't live in the States. I live in Canada so I don't know the laws, the healthcare system there etc. But I would say that first off you need to really investigate whether your friend has any relatives of any kind anywhere. Cousins, nephews, someone who is kin. But failing that I don't imagine you have very many legal rights and would need to ask her to perhaps appoint you POA. Can a non relative be appointed POA in the States? I'm sure others on here can help you there. It's a dicey situation though cause her money, assets if she has any need to be protected from unscrupulous people and even you being a non relative. No offense but one can't be too careful.
I know others on here who live in the States will be able help you better than I but there's my two cents.
Ask for resources for seniors during Covid. Shopping help.
Checks can be ordered by phoning the bank, having them sent to the address on file, the home address.
You should not be advancing the money for groceries at all, comes the day the checks run out, or a check bounces. And there your name is, on her financial records, what was all that money she was paying you for, do you have receipts, an accounting? See?
Have her phone the mailbox company to mail her another key to her home. Maybe the mailbox company can Fed-ex or UPS her mail to her finca.
Your employer is liable for what you are doing grocery-wise for her, and would not be happy to hear how you are "helping" (getting involved financially) with a customer at their store. Fired?
Follow your parent's advice before this becomes one hot mess, for you. So sorry life is that way now. You can fulfill your good samaritan role by getting the help she needs, instead of doing it yourself. The good deeds you have done will come back as false accusations to you. Have you not heard? No good deed goes unpunished?
Now that this sweet little old lady has you trained to be advancing money for her, how do you know that it is not you who is vulnerable?
Of course you can talk to your parents about this. If you are doing this now secretly, behind their backs, and behind your employer's back, well then, you are not going to heed my warnings either, are you?
So this was meant to highlight the downside. There must be a silver lining somewhere...................................................................................................................................................
Thank you for taking her home. Once. Your role is finished now, imo. Harsh, huh?
Elder Resources in Miami Dade County
Miami, Coral Gables, South Miami, Kendall, Miami Beach, Miami Springs, Miami Lakes, North Miami, North Miami Beach, Aventura
Area Agency for Aging
305.670.6500
They will CHAT with you online!
Designated by the State of Florida, the Miami Alliance for Aging serves as the official local Area Agency on Aging (AAA) for Miami-Dade County. The Alliance for Aging provides access to local quality services for the full spectrum of elder needs in Miami-Dade and Monroe counties. This agency provides funds and oversees for home and community based services - that try to keep people out of nursing homes. For example the AAA helps fund services that provide meal delivery, transportation, adult-day care centers and respite services for caregivers.
For low-cost door-to-door transportation in Miami-Dade (STS) and Broward (TOPS), for those that meet ADA requirements, click the link.
It's great you are trying to help but one cannot be too careful.
Try giving your local meals on wheels organization a call, and
1) maybe arrange for food to be delivered and
2) I'm betting, especially in Florida, this is not the first time they've seen this situation. Since they go out to people's homes they are probably a wealth of information about local resources this woman could receive.
IF she has no POA and she is with it, see an eldercare attorney and get DPOA (Durable power of attorney). You also need to be declared her healthcare surrogate. IF YOU DO NOT DO THESE THINGS STAY AWAY FROM HER.
There's another option which I raise just because one never knows when a relationship like this can backfire, especially if she has local or out of town relatives with whom she's not close. The option would be for her to get a credit card with your name, and again I mention this only as something of which to be aware. It has and can cause many problems, and I think your generous nature might not see that right away.
Another possibility is for her to open a line of credit with the grocery store, although I have no idea whether stores in FL would do this for regular clients. If it's possible, she could speak with someone at her bank to find out how to transfer funds directly to the store, which would keep you out of the financial circle. She could call in her orders or e-mail them if she has access to a computer. You could merely pick up and deliver.
Our local Michigan stores have made arrangements for pick up and delivery, but I also know that it's not the same as having someone you know select the foods, especially if you don't want substitutions (I don't.)
Another possibility is to find out the closest senior center to her, and investigate whether or not they have a van service through a local transit company. In Michigan, some senior centers do this; my father's SC had 2 vans, with schedules arranged for medical appointments and shopping. This I think would be a desirable arrangement for her if it weren't for the pandemic issue.
But if she masked, she could at least have some companionship, and a reliable source of transit not only for shopping but for medical appointments.
Another alternative is directly through the local transit authority, many of which have "small buses", "direct transit", "connector", etc. Advance notice is required; fees are extremely reasonable, and the client (your friend) can choose the route.
Following up on Send's excellent advice re another mailbox key, it wouldn't hurt to contact the local post office and determine if there's another way to provide mail delivery much closer.
Although I haven't been in one of the vans, my best recollection is that they have capacity for at least one wheelchair, if that should ever be needed by your friend.
Another thought is to find an Hispanic group locally with which she could connect, just for telephone companionship even if she doesn't develop personal relationships or use any services for groceries.
If you're not familiar with these types of transit, this is a link for the system that serves the SE Michigan metro area:
https://www.smartbus.org/Services/Connector/Using-Connector-Service
NotGoodEnough's suggestion of Meals on Wheels is also a good one. My father had that service and met some very, very kind and concerned people. The daily food drop-offs were a nice chance for some short conversations.
Another alternative is to buy in bulk, from someplace like Gordon Food Stores. There would still be a need for fresh produce and fruit, but if Gordon delivers (I'm not sure about this), it would decrease the need for interim shopping trips and provide her with a good supply of canned goods if/when the pandemic continues or spreads.
In these challenging times, it's heartwarming to read of someone who reaches out to help someone in need.
You say she lives on a farm. Who is taking care the upkeep, cutting the grass, etc?
If you keep going, she could convince you to take care of these needs as well. (You're already grocery shopping for her, so it is starting).
She may be lonely as well, and would welcome your company to do more tasks for her as well.
Time to contact those who know how to handle these situations to get involved.
So basically I am saying you are getting pulled into a swamp that you are not going to survive in, and tough-love talk, you need to stop it now. It will not get better. In fact it will get a good deal worse.
Your neighbor is now reportable to Adult Protective, not because she is abused but because she is helpless, without transit, down a dirt road with no family. She needs now the resources of the County and perhaps even guardianship of the county.
Thank goodness for Send Help, but I would add caution that you not get yourself involved in this, but begin to wind OUT of helping. This lovely lady needs some placement in housing from which she can negotiation the world, Covid or NO covid.
I hope you will keep us updated, because now as you try to get her connected to help you will be able to tell us what you are finding out, who will help, and how it goes.
You have BEAUTIFUL heart and soul.
You need an interpreter.
Contact her church.
Or your church, asking a wise lady or a couple known for their service, about your parents age. Meet them there to introduce Mary.
Do not take on more roles or chores for your friend. You can oversee her getting help.
Not sure about in your county, but the elderly are getting offers of food delivered and other services for free by agencies throughout
the United States. (reason for calling 211).
Today is Friday, last chance to make some calls before the weekend.
Can she write the checks made payable to the store, with your employer's permission? Do you really want to continue that part of your caregiving role?
Before pulling in the driveway he takes her trash cans and puts them by the garage. When leaving she gives him a trash bag to take out the trash, Commercial ends,
Ironically, the same company had a similar commercial with similar incident, this time though it was 2 guys. When they were leaving she asked/thought that they would take out her trash, they politely motioned no thanks, and waved at her.
Point being, you can be too nice and be taken advantage of either intentionally or not.
As others noted, checks can be ordered by phone. If she explains to the bank the issue with the mail box, they might be able to have them shipped to her home. However, given that she cannot collect her mail, how will she get and pay her bills, even if the check issue is resolved?
For the mail box, if the PO owns that, it might be like the ones that they had at the condo complex our mother was living at. There was a group for the condos in each area. They are similar to PO boxes in the PO, but standalone. The person delivering can open the back side and put everyone's mail in, then each person has a key to access their mail box. When mom couldn't find her key, I contacted the PO about it. They don't have spare keys for those and it would require replacing the whole mechanism for her, with a new set of keys. This was going to cost her! Fortunately she did find the second key and we avoided the replacement. So, she could contact the PO and request either a key, if they can do that, or have it replaced and get new keys. She would likely either have to go to pick up the new key(s), which you could facilitate, or perhaps they might be nice and deliver the keys. She still would need to get to the box to pick up her mail after that. Can she walk that far and back?
As for the groceries - the concern others had could be valid. If there are distant relatives, they could accuse you of bilking her. If she needed Medicaid at any point, unless she is saving the receipts, they would consider this "gifting" and could deny her benefits. Even social services, if they get involved, could give you the stink eye. It would only be your word to protect you and that might not get you far.
While you could help her by suggesting the possible check and mail box solutions, there is still the issue of you having to buy and get reimbursed by check. The last thing you need is to be accused of elder abuse just for trying to be kind! Also, as others noted, if she has difficulty doing things, who is caring for her place? There's always regular maintenance and then there are emergencies to take care of. It might be best to talk with her and suggest she call social services to see what options they might have for her. She may not need much yet, but as she gets older, it can't hurt to have someone watching out for her. Some aide companies allow their employees to go to the store for the clients. Very few will drive them there and back, probably due to liability, but they do exist. However she is reluctant to go because of the virus, so if she can hire some company to do her shopping, she could pay them by check. I know it sounds like the same thing you are doing, but they would be able to back up their services, where you likely can't.
If she can manage to get the checks and mailbox issues dealt with, perhaps you could suggest she order her foods, either online if she has access, or by phone, and have them delivered. She could make payment by check to the store, handed off to the delivery person when the food and supplies arrive.
Even if this doesn't work out, do keep that handy helpful spirit! Just beware and don't let people take advantage of your kindness (if they keep pulling you in to do more and more, they are abusing your kind spirit!) Hope things work out well for your "adopted" grandma!
You should contact your local/county Area on Aging who will be able to help you at least give you some information on where, what, and how. You also should consider a lawyer to protect yourself. People with dementia or alzheimer's sometimes confuse things in their mind. This woman does not sound purely sane, no offense. God put people in situations like yours because He knows this lady will be helped. But, in defense of yourself, God expects you to find ways, and Area on Aging, local caregiver groups can help provide sources as well. I hope some of this is helpful.
You are such a conscientious and caring person and give of yourself so selflessly but your kindness can backfire and end up with you managing her life. So be careful. Contacting her local elderservices and social services will not only take the burden and worry off you, but give you peace of mind that there are other people who can help. She's not alone. Do not take on more than you can handle. You need your time and energy for yourself.. Most likely the neighbors started out like you, but then her life became too much to handle and they callously dropped her, which is sad. Let us know what you decide.
if you could make connections for her so that other groups already set up in the community can help her. Then you can more happily let go. I see that you have many helpful suggestions in the answers here.
Its a bit of work for you I know but it could make all the difference for
her and indeed for you and your caring heart. You have done the right thing in
reaching out to this forum at this time. Well done!
Obviously, you were sensitive to this elderly woman's need and you have great desire to help her and to do so in a wise way. I suggest that you should look at the bigger picture and consider whether you might want to pursue your education toward a career in social service, specifically for seniors.
It appears you may be slowly getting "sucked in" helping her as much (It must have been for a while since you mentioned post co vid) Don't invest so much thay you lose yourself in the process.
I applaud you! I have sons who I can see would do as you have done.
IMO, your parents are looking out for you for good reason; you do need to profect yourself. Do you need to drop or pass Mary off totally? Depends. You say you've adopted her as a grandmother; sounds like you have developed a relationship with her. You didn't say how long exactly that you've been doing this. Is the benefit of this relationship mutual? God works in mysterious ways, and Mary may be a blessing for you at this time. Follow your heart, but be smart.
Those are my 1st thoughts.
Now, onto my other thoughts. There's some good advice on this thread.
First, DOCUMENT what you have done for Mary so far and what you continue to do, if you decide to do it. And I mean document all of it by date, like a journal. You MUST CYA all your actions and all the financials. photo copy, scan or snap all purchase receipts and the checks she writes you. For previous checks, pull them from your bank records if possible. Match up the checks with receipts, and keep them in your journal ( get one with pockets or otherwise keep them together). The thing is, son, you don't really know at this point if she has relatives SOMEWHERE, and they could come after anytime you in the future. You must protect yourself from accusations. Know that even among FAMILY, accusations, esp regarding financials, are very common. So, go back and recreate your journal and records for all that you have accomplished. No matter what you do going forward, this must be done. Also, to close out this thought, never accept cash from Mary. Oh, and I would not gey any financial account, card or whatnot with your name attached with Mary's, if I were you.
(a few pts about documenting: 1- ink on original receipts fade to nothing over time; so, you must copy, scan, etc.. 2- Journal entries must incl date, time, action taken/purpose, parties involved. If you call anyone, write their name, agency/biz, PHONE #, and reason for the call, and resolution/promise/next action. 3- the more detailed and consistent your journal and documentation, the better it will standup in court OR AVOID court. I know this is scary, sounds exhaustive, and seems cynical, but it is the way of human nature to suspect others, and you must protect yourself and your family. When people sue others, they go for the deep pockets- your parents, your emoloyers, and any other "rich" connection to YOU. )
Ok. Now, I'm concerned that you've reached a point where you've labeled this a scary commitment. Trust your gut and trust God; they may be telling you it's time to get help and possibly get out of this situation.
Next, whatever you decide, you need help. Mary needs more than you. I would follow the suggestions in this thread with respect to contacting agencies, social services, churches, etc. in your/Mary's area.
Next, How self sufficient is Mary? Does Mary have a phone? Does Mary have a computer? Does she know how to really use them? Is she WILLING to learn? Does her area have those utility services? IMO, you need to help her be self sufficient. If she can learn the online ordering and communication, etc., that will help her. You could help her help herself, but she has to be willing. Some elders don't like or trust the internet. Don't force her to do it; that could backfire on you. If she's willing but doesn't have a computer, you could help her get one and teach her how to use it. Another resource for computers and training may be the local universities. My 90 y.o. mom got a free tablet and support through a university research study program about elderly. That was Georgia. If you go grassroots, you could take up a collection and get her one. But I wouldn't spend time on this if she's not going to use it.
POB key and bank issue: This is pretty immediate. She needs to contact them herself. You can help facilitate that, but don't do it for her.
I'm running out of text; will try to reply to myself to continue.
Rob, caring for an elder requires a network of people and agencies. Putting that in place is one of the best ways you can help Mary going forward. Does she have a doctor? Medical personnel can be very helpful in setting up services and providing information about help in her area.
Also, you need to come clean with your employer. Do they know what you've been doing for Mary? IDK for which company you work, but I do know that many companies have programs to assist people in their areas. Could be a good resource. They also may encourage your work and help you. About the idea that you will get fired for helping Mary, here's some important points:
1- what you do on YOUR OWN time is your business.
2- Never do anything for Mary during company time unless authorized and signed off on (paper trail required; email is sufficient, imo).
3- Never wear your uniform or identify yourself as "employee with XYZ company" when visiting Mary or doing anything on her behalf.
4- start disassociating yourself from your employer when speaking to/dealing with Mary and about Mary.
5- going forward, just say you met Mary, and leave the work part out of it. Generalize the circumstance.
Yes, your employer may respond negatively. Unless you're stealing goods from them or spending company time not on work, they really don't have grounds to fire you. However, if FL is a work at will state, they won't need any. But I, personally, wouldn't want to work for a company that penalizes generosity and benevolence of the individual.
About finding family or relatives:
You say Mary's husband died 3 years ago. My guess is he managed many things for her. This leaves elder widows helpless and potentially vulnerable to bad decisions- their own and scammers. This is why you need to involve others. If Mary allows you in her home, visit with her and ask her to show you pictures. Have conversations about your family stories and encourage her to share her stories. This is information gathering, and you may find out snippets you can then go research to find family. A lot of elders say they have no family when they really do. Their definition may really mean "I have no family in (involved or living near) my life." I'm guessing here, but agencies could help locate these relatives. Just don't be shocked, disgruntled or disappointed if found relatives don't give a crap. There may be a good reason for estrangement. Don't put yourself in the middle. If you find family members, give that information to the authorities.
Do you have friends, your age or older, with skills? You may be able to call on them to help and advise you. Legal friends, even paralegals, are helpful.
Your parents:
Are you a minor or dependant? if so, then you please heed what they're telling you, even if you don't like it. If you're an independent adult, then it's really up to you. Either way, I believe open and honest communication and mutual respect between you and your parents about Mary is imperative. If they insist you cease with Mary, and if your gut is telling you the same, ask your parents to help you with the steps to let go and still make sure Mary has help through whatever local care and services available to get. IDK your family situ; your parents may be hardline. They may say no. If it were me and my parents, I would let them know you've heard them and respect their opinion, and/but ... then list out to them what you are planning to do and tell them you'd really appreciate their support. If you feel strongly called to help Mary, then express your calling to your parents.
Have you a church or pastor to talk to? Do you have a teacher, coach or guidance counselor to talk to? Do you have elders to confide in? You need support for yourself. None of this is going to be all honky dory for you, whether you continue or stop helping Mary.
I wish you the best in all this and I hope all the posts on this thread have given you a way forward.
Never forge - you are not alone
Call them. Tell them what you've told us. Meanwhile, explain to the lady as best you can the equivalent of "fools rush in where angels fear to tread" and that out of concern for her as well as yourself you won't accept responsibilities you're really not qualified to handle.
This is sincere, it's not an excuse. When you think it through: she was lucky enough to trust you, an honest, caring and delightful person. But how did she know that? - she didn't. You could just as easily have been a thieving rat-bag with a kind face; and the correct conclusion is that this lady needs formal protection from people with the authority to make it happen. She is very vulnerable - and so could you be, to a whole nightmare of unintended consequences.
What a good soul and blessing you are. So many of us that have become older and are single fear for our future and being without someone to advocate for us. Every system we have to help others opens us to the potential for having our rights and well-being abused.
This person is a heavier load for anyone, and I am sure she is relieved to have found you.
I think your best bet is to take your parent's advice, which doesn't mean bowing out completely, but you cannot take risks of your time and life (considering the virus) without going in with your eyes open.
First off her check book has that last few pages with deposit slips. Use that to help her order more checks...either one of the online places or via Costco where
they are less.
Then there are legal implications...does she have a will? Who helped do that? Can that attorney assist further with durable power of attorney for financial and health care? Do you want to be that person? If not, someone else should be of her choosing.
Miami Dade is a huge area. I'm sure there are social services available. Know her zip code and look up your Area Agency on Aging. You can start with her city's city hall...her own city may offer services and may be offering special services in light of the pandemic. Those who have no one else are a particular priority. I'm guessing there are stores that offer delivery that, depending on her finances, would be a way for her to shop, even if you help by putting in the order. Of course you'll need to know about and check on payment methods. Perhaps she could buy a stack of gift cards and use them for orders.
If you connect with social services, it's also possible for you to be present...Clearly you need someone bilingual in this case.
Just because you contact social services doesn't mean they have to stay involved...but you are probably going to get on with your life and not be accessible to her 24/7...you could...but that's a decision you need to make in light of your own life circumstances. It would be a mitzvah if that was your choice. There are things called Caregiver Agreements...where specifics are set up as to what someone will do for another and for what type of payment...room/board/hourly it can be set up however people wish.
Social services may be able to link her with other services she may need in the future to remain independent. I wouldn't be surprised though if they were not making home visits at this time. It's possible you might help with that as well if they will do a virtual visit.
All this said, your position at the grocery store means as I'm sure you're aware, that you are putting yourself at risk...and so any rides or contact with this lady put her at risk as well. But some must be taken to get her help. You'll or social services will also want to confirm there are no other relatives...inlaws, siblings etc.
Down the road she might want to set up her bills to be automatically paid from her checking account so there is less work on that end.
Either the city or the post office has control over that mail box. If a genuine postal box, than the local post office should be able to replace (at a charge) the key. The local city may know details. Clearly a duplicate must be had as soon as possible...possibly two if you wish to stay involved. If you take on a bigger role you could also do a change of address so that the bills came in her name c/o your name to your own address...but that's jumping the gun and really taking on much responsibility. And we haven't even mentioned if that is where she wants to stay. Do you want a place to stay? Maybe you could be there for her in exchange for your assistance?
Bless you for being the angel we all hope for...
i met a lady at the senior center and thought we had become friends. We’d talk everyday and sometimes afterward id take her to walmart to shop and then home so she didnt have to wait for the van. This was all about 9 miles in a different direction from my house.
this all ended after she asked me to go to the “big” city ... only about 8 more miles away ... to pick up meds.
i said i didnt have enough money to pay for them figuring that when i got them to her she’d say she’d pay me later since she never offered to pay me for the gas to drive her out of my way to walmart. she said they were samples and free but i just didnt feel like making a 30 mile roundtrip.
she never talked to me after that and i felt bad we couldn't continue to be friends but she had at least two daughters and i just wasnt going to commit to doing things for her all the time.
if that was selfish i just couldnt bring myself to care.
as others have said, there should be agencies out there to help your friend and helping her get assistance can help you feel less guilty.