Hello friends. We get so many posts from people who are considering placing their loved one in a facility. Just wanted to share my experience.
My husband is disabled and bedridden. I do everything for him but feed him, handle everything that comes up in our lives, including finances, home repairs, and everything else. I also work part-time because I have to. Two weeks ago, he went back into rehab. I expect he will be gone for 2 months.
Now, I love my husband and would do anything for him. I miss him and am going to visit him today because I do. When I tell him why I’m visiting him today, he will laugh at me and shake his head. But, this respite has taught me just how much stress I am under while he's here. My blood pressure—dangerously high. On three meds for it. Debilitating depression. You guys know what I’m saying. But, since he’s been in rehab, BP has gone down almost 20 points. I’m getting some stuff done around the house. I’m sleeping more than an hour a night. Wow.
This is not a permanent thing for me. He will be back eventually. Until I can’t handle his care, he will remain at home. But, for now, I’m concentrating on myself and MY well-being. And I know a lot of posters struggle with this. They may not quite believe us when we tell them there is no shame or guilt in placing a loved one in a facility when things get so stressful the caregiver’s very life is in jeopardy. So many posters will not break the “Noble Promise” to their loved one and then pay the consequences. I wish there was some magic potion to convince them it’s ok. We all know some stories we read are heart-breaking. But, it’s ok. Really. I’m not a hero or a martyr. At some point, my husband will have to go to a facility. But by that time I will know I’ve done all I could for him. And, it’s ok.
Do you have a plan for if you pass from that heart attack or stroke? Ahhh, Joy, he is in rehab now, you are feeling better than you have in a very long time. Would it be best for you both if you look into placement for him now?
Does he need rehab occasionally? Was there an event that placed him there now? I would think this would become even more frequent as his care needs increase.
Friends, understand that I am the sort of person who has always put other’s needs before my own, and this includes hubby and my Drama Queen Mom as I was growing up. To assert myself and say to him, “You have to go to a nursing home because I can’t do this anymore.” is totally against my nature and the way things have been for our 45 years of marriage. But I know that if he doesn’t make significant progress this time around in rehab, he’s going to have to go. And, I plan to tell him this. He needs a dose of reality as he lies in that bed having people wait on his every need.
Thank you all for your “reality check”. Sometimes others can see things that we cannot.
What plans have you made for his care, Joy? What if you were to pass unexpectedly?
Why not have the social worker visit now? Rehab may even have their own.
Sounds like this may just be a bit of denial?
And yes you would be able to remain in the home. Medicaid will not impoverish you.
I do worry about his health though.
And I worry for you! Having seen both my sister & Mum survive strokes, please take the blood pressure seriously.
What is it about the Miller trust that you don't understand? Are you working with an eldercare attorney who has YOUR best interests at heart?
“Denial”, Gladimhere? Absolutely. On both our parts. This is why I need to speak with the SW privately. I need someone, an outsider so to speak, to tell me he is becoming beyond my care, or will be soon. When he comes home from this stint in rehab, I don’t expect him to be any farther along than when he left. This is a respite for me.
Barb, if I knew for certain that I could remain in this house and keep my much-loved dog, I’d start a Miller Trust immediately. No, they probably wouldn’t “impoverish” me, but would they allow me enough to stay here? Medicaid doesn’t care about my dog or about putting me through the stresses of moving because I wouldn’t be able to afford to stay here. That’s what scares me. No, we are t working with an Elder Law Attorney because like so many other posters tell us, we can’t afford the fee. I know I can call our Area Agency on Aging and based on what the SW tells me, I just might.
Beatty, thanks for your warnings about the BP. I am under a doctor’s care for it. I take a reading every night. I never skip my meds. I do the low-salt thing. And again, I have my dog! ❤️😁
I will post next week about what the social worker says. Thanks again for caring, everyone. ❤️
On one hand, I’m sorry to hear your husband is in rehab again but on the other hand, I am happy you are getting some much needed to respite care! I have to say, before I saw your latest response, I was thinking that it honestly sounds like you are now at the point, or dangerously close to, where you cannot take care of him anymore. Your body is giving you all the signs. Stay strong! I hope the meeting with the SW goes well.
As Igloo always says, a Medicaid application where a community spouse is involved is not a DIY project. If the SW at the rehab cant help, ask the business office for someone to sit with you to explain it.
Good luck Joy! And big (((((((hugs)))))))).
My biggest fear with placing my husband in a facility is that he will not survive. His mind is sharp. He shows no signs of dementia. He will be fully and completely aware of what is happening to him. He will be living the rest of his life in a small, sterile room, a Medicaid-provided room, with a stranger. He will have to wait (and wait and wait) for someone to answer his call button. The food will be lousy. And probably so will the conversation. He will make no effort to be social whatsoever. He will be dead within a year. And I will blame myself for this for the rest of my life.
This is what makes me hesitate to place him. He is not a difficult person. He eats whatever I cook. He asks for little. He doesn’t abuse the privilege of having me wait on him. We argue but not frequently or viciously.
I am hoping that the social worker I’m meeting with on Tuesday, the same one who I worked with the last time he was in rehab, coincidentally, can help me figure this out.