My Mother has been in a conv. home since sept. She has alzheimers. She lived with me for 9 years. I really have to force myself to go see her and do not go very often at all. I am the only child and took care of her myslef while working until I finally got some help. Which seemed to take forever. It wasn't until she set my patio on fire that her doctor realized the extent of her disease since she always seemed fine at her visits. Its like I have a panic attack before I go to see her and it takes all I have to go there. Everytime she "never" remembers when I was there. I call her often but she does not ever remember the calls. Of course, I feel guilty not going. Actually haven't been there since Jan. But I find myself becoming physcially ill at the thought of going to see. My home is now peacful. I do have a 19 yr old daughter, but unfortunately she refuses to go see her. Only on the holidays. Does anyone else have this problem?
She had a stroke last October and is bedridden. She is in the beginning stages of Dem/Alz and now thinks people are stealing from her.
I have my own place and she will call me and call me, and call me several times during the day so finally I go over(it's a long story) but most times when I get to her front door I start having the feelings of depression. Then when I get to her room, my whole body just seems like it wants to give out. But then she starts asking me to do this and that, and this, and that and I forget to breathe and I forget everything else, cause I don't have time.
Yes it is understandable how you feel like that but you must remember that the care takers at your moms facility need to know that your mom has someone so they will treat her with dignity and respect. If they think no one will come, no one gives a darn I wouldn't want to think how they would treat her.
I may say the total opposite of what others may say to you but I say suck it all in, and get over there to see your mom. Even if you can't stay long, go! Sometimes stay a while, and sometimes a little. That way the staff never knows what to expect. Keep them guessing but go see your mom. It's OK if your 19 yr old doesn't want to go, my 21 yr old doesn't like going with me either, can't really take her that way. I understand and don't force him.
Oh here's something else that might work prior to going to visiting your mom ----V-O-D-K-A!!!! :):):):):)
With emotionally abusing, self-entitled guilt producing parents, we have very minimal obligations to them, eg: safety, food etc. Those of us with these types of parents will most likely take the severly damaging repercussions of our parents selfishness to our own graves... and here I am, with my miserable, unappreciative, self entitled narcissist mother living with me and complaining how she hates it, tho every need and desire of hers is met. My grown childen don't come to my home as her only interest in them is how they make her feel... my husband endures my daily complaining about her. If she thinks we're both out, like when my husband is walking the dogs and I'm in the back yard and she didnt see me... she gets all pissed off that we left her alone. Why? Because her driving privileges were take by her doctor and she''s angry staying home. Everywhere I've taken her for social activites she refuses cause at 87 she doesnt want to be with "those old people".
Tell me exactly why I "should" feel guilty if I am caring less about her and more about my emotional preservation, my children and my marriage? For those of you in my shoes... think about your life of unwarranted guilt. Our parent(s) instilled the "guilt button" in us and we push it ourselves. My kids hate my suffering, They tell me, "Enough with the BS guilt. Go live your life, mom!"
That's my message to those of you who relate. God bless you and me with the couage to take care of OUR needs and start living!
Yes, I want my life back too. I hate it and I hate her. But what are you going to do? These old people need to be looked after. It's the right thing to do.
I've found her dementia easier to deal with than her original personality. I tell her lies and they seem to satisfy her better than reality. Then she forgets and we move on to some other distraction.
I know what you mean. I hate it and her too. Which makes me feel even more guilty. I gave up 9 years of my life taking care of her, I didn't go anywhere except work and errands after my Dad passed away, and now I finally have it back. I am the only child so she moved in with me. When I do go see her I get constant calls she wants to come home, etc. It makes it even worse. My daughter even went 8 hrs away to college to get away from her before she went into the convalescent home. Now my daughter is back home and going to school near by. I am enjoying spending time alone with her, that is time we never had growing up becuase my Mom was ALWAYS there. But, the guilt is incredible. I feel damned if I do and damed if I don't.
Tina, just hang in there. Again, YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO.. don't feel guilty about it..
I am preaching to myself.. I question my decision. I wonder if they are treating him right.. I wonder what his brother thinks.. I wonder what my brother (whom I never hear from) thinks... and then I don't care... it's a roller coaster of emotions... But I drag myself there to the nursing home outta duty and love.
I got a call that night from dad that was incoherent. I called a neighbor and a cousin that live in NJ and dad was hospitalized. It turned out to ba a bad reaction to the meds. So they were both in the hospital and I had to return to NJ. Eventually they were both released to a conv home. the social worker determined they should not live alone. To get them out I arranged for an assisted living apt here in CT. After I got them moved in Dad was a royal PITA. Wvery few days I'd get a call that he wasn't going to stay and had to take time off to meet with the facility staff. My boss told me I had an attendance problem. Eventually I moved my parents into my house (BIG mistake). I was eventually laid off from my job. The time I had to take off was a factor in the decision to vote me off the island. Mom is now in a nursing home and really doesn't know who I am. Dad still lives with me. I feel bitter that my life has been taken over by them. I have yet to hear a "thank you" for what I have done to make them comfortable. I interact with my father as little as possible. 3 times a week he takes a the dial a ride to the senior center then to the NH to visit mom. I can feel my BP rise when I have to go pick him up. I just want my life back.
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