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My Mother has been in a conv. home since sept. She has alzheimers. She lived with me for 9 years. I really have to force myself to go see her and do not go very often at all. I am the only child and took care of her myslef while working until I finally got some help. Which seemed to take forever. It wasn't until she set my patio on fire that her doctor realized the extent of her disease since she always seemed fine at her visits. Its like I have a panic attack before I go to see her and it takes all I have to go there. Everytime she "never" remembers when I was there. I call her often but she does not ever remember the calls. Of course, I feel guilty not going. Actually haven't been there since Jan. But I find myself becoming physcially ill at the thought of going to see. My home is now peacful. I do have a 19 yr old daughter, but unfortunately she refuses to go see her. Only on the holidays. Does anyone else have this problem?

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Mia I too find myself hesitant when I go see my mom. Frankly sometimes I just flat out don't want to go. She's in her own home with a care-giver 12 hours a day. My sister and her family live there with her, (16 years they've been there).

She had a stroke last October and is bedridden. She is in the beginning stages of Dem/Alz and now thinks people are stealing from her.

I have my own place and she will call me and call me, and call me several times during the day so finally I go over(it's a long story) but most times when I get to her front door I start having the feelings of depression. Then when I get to her room, my whole body just seems like it wants to give out. But then she starts asking me to do this and that, and this, and that and I forget to breathe and I forget everything else, cause I don't have time.

Yes it is understandable how you feel like that but you must remember that the care takers at your moms facility need to know that your mom has someone so they will treat her with dignity and respect. If they think no one will come, no one gives a darn I wouldn't want to think how they would treat her.

I may say the total opposite of what others may say to you but I say suck it all in, and get over there to see your mom. Even if you can't stay long, go! Sometimes stay a while, and sometimes a little. That way the staff never knows what to expect. Keep them guessing but go see your mom. It's OK if your 19 yr old doesn't want to go, my 21 yr old doesn't like going with me either, can't really take her that way. I understand and don't force him.

Oh here's something else that might work prior to going to visiting your mom ----V-O-D-K-A!!!! :):):):):)
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My dad just gone into care, am visiting most days. Don't want to, to be honest I dread the visits. I am getting pressure from him to let him return home. I refuse to have him back and my husband won't have him through the door now he's gone. Need to continue visiting though hope it will get better.
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Mia, it's perfectly understandable the way you feel. You are so honest. You had your mother in your home for nine years, and now it is only natural that you are feeling the way you are---that you like having your space and so forth. You have given your mother so much of your time and love, and now you can give it to her in a new and different way. Someone suggested making your visits short. That sounds like a good idea. You could think of it like just "ducking in" for a few minutes to say "Hi." Maybe then you wouldn't dread the visits so much. My Dad has dementia and there are times when I make my daily telephone call to him, or when I visit him, that I discover that he is in one of his bad moods that day, and the call/visit leaves me feeling depressed. It's depressing to me to hear my dear father saying ugly, negative things, and sounding nothing like his former self. My Dad was the kind of man who was the "life of the party", who was kind and thoughtful and considerate of others, and had the best manners. He is now like a different person, due to the personality change in him. At this point in his disease, we are still able to experience moments of love, and I hope that is the case for you and your Mom, in some way.
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I can understand this. My life started a downhill spiral when both my parents took ill in March 2007. Mom has dementia that has been getting gradually worse since 2000. Dad was taking care of her at their home in NJ (I'm in CT) but at 94 it was getting to be too much. She had a UTI and had fallen several times. I took time off from work to go to NJ. I got mom admitted to the hospital and started talking to dad about assisted living. Dad had hurt himself trying to pick mom up when she fell. I took him to the ER to be checked out. The attending prescribed a muscle relaxer. After being in NJ for 5 days I returned to CT.

I got a call that night from dad that was incoherent. I called a neighbor and a cousin that live in NJ and dad was hospitalized. It turned out to ba a bad reaction to the meds. So they were both in the hospital and I had to return to NJ. Eventually they were both released to a conv home. the social worker determined they should not live alone. To get them out I arranged for an assisted living apt here in CT. After I got them moved in Dad was a royal PITA. Wvery few days I'd get a call that he wasn't going to stay and had to take time off to meet with the facility staff. My boss told me I had an attendance problem. Eventually I moved my parents into my house (BIG mistake). I was eventually laid off from my job. The time I had to take off was a factor in the decision to vote me off the island. Mom is now in a nursing home and really doesn't know who I am. Dad still lives with me. I feel bitter that my life has been taken over by them. I have yet to hear a "thank you" for what I have done to make them comfortable. I interact with my father as little as possible. 3 times a week he takes a the dial a ride to the senior center then to the NH to visit mom. I can feel my BP rise when I have to go pick him up. I just want my life back.
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I take Xanax before I visit with my 91 year old mother. Ask your doctor for a script. He or she will understand.

Yes, I want my life back too. I hate it and I hate her. But what are you going to do? These old people need to be looked after. It's the right thing to do.

I've found her dementia easier to deal with than her original personality. I tell her lies and they seem to satisfy her better than reality. Then she forgets and we move on to some other distraction.
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Dad not that far gone. He's pissed with me for putting him in a home. Visits not getting better. I'll have to keep trying. For now I'm not visiting on my own.
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Thanks Maggiesue,
I know what you mean. I hate it and her too. Which makes me feel even more guilty. I gave up 9 years of my life taking care of her, I didn't go anywhere except work and errands after my Dad passed away, and now I finally have it back. I am the only child so she moved in with me. When I do go see her I get constant calls she wants to come home, etc. It makes it even worse. My daughter even went 8 hrs away to college to get away from her before she went into the convalescent home. Now my daughter is back home and going to school near by. I am enjoying spending time alone with her, that is time we never had growing up becuase my Mom was ALWAYS there. But, the guilt is incredible. I feel damned if I do and damed if I don't.
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Mia, first of all - DON"T feel guilty.. you have to do what you have to do - what's right for you and for your family. I just got back from visiting my dad - I dread going each week. I need to go more often, but I cannot and will not go every day. He's critical and it's just not worth my time n effort. I went today to pay his March bill - private pay... and he saw me with a receipt... WHAT's THAT? he questions me and I just say, OH It's a receipt and talk about something else. He doesn't care nor understand where his money is going... It's a sad situation. I visit alone b/c he is so ugly with company... very few of family come see him..

Tina, just hang in there. Again, YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO.. don't feel guilty about it..

I am preaching to myself.. I question my decision. I wonder if they are treating him right.. I wonder what his brother thinks.. I wonder what my brother (whom I never hear from) thinks... and then I don't care... it's a roller coaster of emotions... But I drag myself there to the nursing home outta duty and love.
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My mother lived with my family for five years and caring for her was very difficult. I finally had to place her in a nursing home, because her disabilities and behaviors were beyond my control. I visit her several times a week. Because of her many disabilities and emotional problems, but especially because of the difficulties I had with my brothers and sisters, I ended up being burned out. I am slowly healing, but each visit to the nursing home leaves me worn out and depressed. My husband was the first to comment that I always seem to feel ill on the days when I have visited her. He is right. I don't have any answers for this problem, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone.
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Mother, that's all that I need to hear! I get all in the air when I go visit my dad - and for some reason I always go on Wednesdays and get agitated about it for the rest of the afternoon before I have to go to church tonight... not always a good plan b/c it dampers my mood a bit!
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I have been taking care of my mom from afar for the past 11 years after my dad died, only until last year did it get worse due to mentall stability. So I know what it means. She was always controlling and hate is a word that I became familiar with at an elevating rate as the years went on. I became ill in the first year not knowing it was her controlling me that made me ill. So every year I was wondering when this will end. I always seem to get ill before going over there on my ritual Sunday in which she would never ever let me deviate from.

I would say now that she's out of the house...which is the best conclusion..is to just as what a previous poster said...psych yourself up...suck it up....prescript or a cocktail..what ever it takes ...go for at least you can't take it anymore and then leave...and then go do something for yourself...go to a bookstore and peruse for an hour..have a good espresso and a beignet...treat yourself for a little bit afterwards...it may make it smooth over a bit, and then you will look forward to a visit because you have psyched yourself out that afterwards is a present to yourself....with your daughter perhaps say...okay sweetie how about afterwards we go to the nail salon and get tips and toes done? Or a pizza feast or a movie something fun. Just an idea.
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My mother was not the best person to be around when I was growing up. After I got married, (and she was older), she mellowed some and was easier to be around.

On to my m-i-l. She lives with us, because she's a fall risk and can't live by herself any longer. She's been living here since the end of September, 2008. She is now 78 yrs. old & has Alzheimer's (AD). Some days, she is pleasant. Some days, she doesn't know which end is up.

My situation is this: My oldest s-i-l only takes her for 2-4 hours/week. The second oldest s-i-l, is DPOA, and takes her o/n at least once/week or every other week. She's also a nurse. The third oldest s-i-l, only sees her 2-4 hours/month.
My husband is the only son and he is unemployed right now, so he helps out with her when he isn't looking for a job. My youngest s-i-l comes over and helps her take a shower. I am glad for any help, but #1, 3, & 5 don't take her o/n EVER. I feel like I don't have a life anymore. I feel like my husband & I don't have a life anymore.
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A mani pedi sounds good! Or pizza! I have learned not to feel guilty for ME time.. For example, I am not cooking supper tonight - we are eating at church - roast beef n taters! I have had a busy day and I don't have to do it all! We have to take care of ourselves first - it's not being selfish... it's all about balancing it all.... and I am still trying to figure that out! Hubby, kids, and dad... it's a lotta caregiving!
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Lach, you need a mani pedi and I don't know how you can get one! I also don't know what to say.. I am solo caregiver but dad is in nursing home, so I pay for it... my brother is of no help other than criticism and spreadsheets... this is not a business! Is a nursing home an option? Just a thought... again, I don't know your situation... my dad was a fall risk and a trip to the hospital led him to rehab at nursing home where he refused rehab so he's there to stay.. that's my story... much simpler than many that I read on here! All I can truthfully say is that I pray for all of you! Let 1, 3 and 5 know that you need a life, even if it falls on deaf ears... I know how that is! "I understand that you have been through a lot lately"... don't get me started on my soapbox! (After all, my name is Gigglebox !)
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Its hard, my Mom thinks I stay at home and do nothing all day. She doesn't remember I work. She calls my home phone crying at 9:30 in the am and the aides are dialing for her. Hello, I'm at work. Don't get the message until 530pm when I get home. When I call her, of course, she doesn't remember calling and leaving a message and insists it was her. LOL. She eats dinner at 5pm and then takes a nap right after until 9pm and then walks around the home and goes back to bed. I call, she's asleep. It's very frustrating and after I talk to her, she calls constantly asking to come home. And is starts all over again.
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When my dad was at home he would call several times a day and he would forget that he just called. I AM at home, but I sure don't do nothing all day.. and he wanted me over there all of the time to help him with something. He doesn't have a phone in his room and family members suggested a cell - which is something he couldn't keep up with nor could he use!

It is a cycle of sorts - and very frustrating!
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I have a prescription for Xanax for those times which are especially stressful with my Dad, or else a time when for some reason I will be "trapped" with him for several uninterrupted hours. It works for me.
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dwestlake,
With your Mom in the nursing home it sounds like your father needs to be there as well, no matter what you have to tell him to get him there. You, as the caregiver, have done all you can. You do need your life back - or you will loose it. My doctor said I was becoming sicker than my mom. You can give it all to them if you're not careful. And, yes they can become mean and hateful and that is even more reason to have them placed. You don't need the stress. You say you feel your BP go up just to go pick him up. That is exactly what is happening.
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Your feelings are absolutely valid and that is all I can tell you. Don't deal with the guilt or it can drive you crazy. Just know you are not alone, there are millions of us who feel the same way and won't admit it. Just take care of your own mental and physical health or somebody will be visiting or not, You in a nursing home. God bless you
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I know being a caregiver is tough - I am one. But I think we are sometimes depressed for ourselves - we are mourning the loss of our parents and take it out on them! It is not their fault that they are old and incapable. They have lousy moods. . . but do you want to think of all you did as a kid that they put up with?
I am trying to say - this is life! We are cheating ourselves and our parents if we give in to the depression and anger. Let's take it 5 minutes at a time and it is then something we can deal with.
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Maggiesue - you are the first person that has expressed exactly what I feel.. I hate it and I hate her! I hate that she feels she should be the first and most important thing in my life, I hate that I have missed so much of my children's lives because I am always having to deal with her issues. Even though she doesn't live with us.. constant phone calls, drs. appts. and her demands to be with me and my family. She says that she is their grandmother and they "have" to love her. How do you love someone who makes you sick? My family has actually walked out of restaurants because she was being so verbally abusive "loudly" that the embarrasement and public humiliation forces them to walk out and then I am forced to stay, pay the bill and apologize to the staff.. we obviously won't be doing that often anymore, but all she can talk about is why we won't take her out to eat... why don't the grandchildren like her? why am I so mean to her? she has NEVER done anything to deserve this type of treatment... I have been at her beck and call for 10 years now, my children, my husband and our finances have suffered drastically because of it... I'm at my wits end.. don't know why good/young people die, while the miserable, evil continue to live and thrive while sucking the lives from their families...
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I hope everyone who has a difficult-to-the-max parent has explored zoloft or some such drug with a doctor who can prescribe these for your parent. It is a BIG help and you will enjoy your parent if they become more laid back.
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Elizza - my mom has been on every anti-depressant and anti anxiety known to man - none work!
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I never know how I am going to find my mother feeling every time I go to visit. I start to shake ever time I pull into the parking lot. I she is in pretty good shape then I feel okay; if not, then I become depressed. It is not her fault, it is part of aging. I wish I could make her better, but I can't. I took me awhile to accept that.
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I'm sorry to hear that, dedestock.
Chin up to all of us! You can only understand what being a caregiver is when you are one!
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My heart stops pumping and I feel as though I cannot breathe at the thought of talking to her on the phone, orhaving to take her somewhere....I also realize that part of this is due to aging, but I have seen people age gracefully and this is not it!
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dedestock - my mom has been on everything too and none of it works. She is on Antivan, Celexa and Lexapro for anxiety and depression and Risperdal for paranoia and audio hallucianations. None of the meds do a thing for her.
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I have been through many problems in life, including having cancer and raising two children all the way through to adulthood (including all the vicissitudes of the teenage years) ..... And moving my elderly father ( who has dementia) ) from one "home" to another home was absolutely the hardest thing I have ever been through. It pushed me to limits I didn't know I had, and nearly did me in. I had no idea that my toughest challenge in life was "up ahead" as I entered my 50's. Finding this website has been a Godsend for me, as I have been able to validate my feelings and experiences. I love my father more than life itself and will give to him unceasingly----and this was part of the problem---I was getting sick myself because I am committed to keep on giving to my father. I had to realize that I was making myself sick by over-giving to my Dad, and I needed to set limits and take care of myself. I salute each and every one of the caregivers on this site.
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My mother won't take Lexapro as she says she loses her edge. She has been on it twice and it changed her peronality both times into someone who was calmer and easier to work with.

Because her behavior has been a lifetime of complaining, demanding and being mean, when she takes the Lexapro, she doesn't know who she is and it scares her. Once she started losing cognitive and social skills she now has nothing left except the witchy personality.

I am getting old and trying to decide how and where I want to spend my final years. I go on Medicare at the end of this year. It's hard to believe that I have this horrid burden to drag around behind me as I get closer and closer to my own death. I too, Dede, have wondered why the evil persist and those with goodness in their hearts are taken by death and disease.

My whole relationship with God has changed in the last 7 years while caring for my mother. I just don't have belief in spirit anymore. At my time of life I'm supposed to have some wisdom, but I feel like a burned out jerk.
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I salute the caregivers, too.. all of these postings make me realize that I am not alone in this... we have to pray and press on and do the best that we can, the best that we know how to do... Limits.. balance.. this is what life is all about, isn't it?

Grateful for these Caregiver Connections.. remember your friends and your family (those that care!) and move on the best that you can.... don't forget to take care of you..

As for the CAREGIVEE's negative comments and criticism, let it roll off the back the best way that you know how. The verbal abuse stinks... now my dad has got it into his head that he wants us to go out and eat! He's not been out of his nursing home since he got there and has one visit from his bro and wife... if they want to take him, more power to them... I can't move the man! He can't walk, he uses depends, and my stomach churns at the thought of our last meal together. I tried to eat Thanksgiving with him in his room - and I won't do it again.. he won't eat in the cafeteria with the droolers.. well, let's just say he needs a bib as well.
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