Forcing help. Any suggestions?
My mother, probably in the early stages of dementia is really needing more help with things. Today I discovered her state tax return was returned because she had marked several crazy things such as she was a dependent and she was married. My mom went to my husband with this because she was trying to hide it from me, but of course my husband told me. (She had also made a big goof with her federal taxes too). Moms housekeeping also lacks much to be desired. I refuse to do this because 1) I have my own house with two young boys to try and keep sanitary 2) I just REALLY hate housework and my own house is never good 3) it enrages me she doesn't even throw away garbage when the can is two feet from the where she sets it down.
These aren't the only issues she needs assistance with but just an example and I'm sure more things are sure to come soon.
How can I convince her that she needs to let me handle things and that she needs to trust I'm going to do what is best for her? I understand she doesn't want to give up independence but I'm worn out with cleaning up messes and would prefer to just handle things the first time.
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You're right in that you have decisions to make for her care. Since she lives so close, some in-home help may be enough for awhile. At least she's asking for help with her bills so that, I believe is progress. However, she could change her mind about that tomorrow.
Hang in and keep updating. The more that the community knows about your situation the more accurate the information (and compassion for you: )
Carol
Mom is labeled as mild cognitive impairment but is on the cusp of dementia according to tests. Her doctor has her on Aricept but to be honest I doubt it has any effect. She definitely has depression and is on two antidepressants and sees a shrink for med management but refuses counseling. Shrink is aware of issues as I went to an appointment with her and told the shrink.
She has finally agreed to let me handle her online bill pay as every time she tried there was numerous mistakes. Today she brought over stuff for me to process and admitted she now needs help due to her tax screw up. Progress? I don't know. The stranger thing is she went and had her hair cut super short after wearing it very long (middle of her back) and putting up a fuss when I've been harassing her to cut it say to her shoulders. I haven't been in her house in over a week, but today she said her kitchen was terrible so I'm sure it is.
Mom lives right next door in the rental house behind ours. I can literally see her standing at her kitchen sink from my back door. She moved to WI from AR about three years ago to be near me (I'm an only child). I think she realized she needed more help as husband and I really began to realize her issues were getting bad at that point (she's been "off" since having an aneurysm in '99). Mom has no connections in our town as she does nothing social at all, no church, no senior center etc despite all my urging and even going with her to a senior group once! Mom has frankly alienated many of her friends as well because she gets it Her craw that "I called last it's his/her turn" etc, even blaming a lifelong family friend that has Alzheimer's in a nursing home for not calling her!
I logical understand it's not HER but dang it's hard to separate the woman who made me clean my room from the woman who will now let dirty dishes sit a week.
For the last 6 weekends they have emptied a room between them. Anything that could be washed was washed, anything that could be laundered was laundered and anything that was past redemption was trashed. Then this darling group boxed and labelled everything but before they did they laid it out and took a picture of it - someone else put it into the computer and did a full a4 print out of it and put it on the front of the box. Then they cleaned the walls the ceilings the paintwork and the floors were cleaned using one of those pro cleaner things. All the boxes were put back once the carpets were dry with the pictures facing front. It wasn't entirely what they wanted to achieve but the improvement is amazing. Marvellous what 16 women and 2 men can achieve for a very lovely but ailing and failing lady and her daughter
It infuriates me that they don't have to pass a test and it infuriates me even more when I am called a racist for commenting. I am not never have been and never will be a racist but I strongly believe that there are standards that need to be met and for the elderly and especially those with dementia speaking clear plain English is a standard that needs to be met.
Im am definitely on a rant today. Mum seems so much better - I even got her in the shower then at tea time I said we are having scampi (its one of her favorite meals) whats scampi she said....hmmm perhaps not much better then!
The nurse was here last night and we suspected he had a small stroke. She did some physical things that gave her the determination that she felt he did NOT have a stoke. He is just not able to speak clearly anymore.
I do have a question however, He was sleeping this morning and he made terrible faces like he saw something bad, felt something bad....The contortions made me wonder if this is something to do with the Parkinsons. What do you think ?
You also have identified your ability to help and not . Which is great. your own family NEED you more.But sneaky action is needed NOW, get her identified and maybe treatment to help, organise cleaning packing, BUT do not shift her from her house if she is still capable of coping, even 48hrs away can make matters worse.
Yes there will be tears and abuse and blaming. so pad those shoulders with newpaper, cardboard and metal , try tiding/cleaning the peripheral areas first to make room to put the 'junk' from the part she is living in....... so that you are getting the house ready for winter/summer etc as tho you do it every season.
My mother's dementia got hidden in the fact she could still clean, do washing etc and that is what she did EVERY day, Id find washing on her line done about 3am as it needed doing. It had been her life for the past 60 yrs so she carried on. I swear some of her towels never ever got to the linen cupboard but went straight from line back into machine again
Only thing is her food dishes of course were dirty if they had prepared food on them, so they got washed and the food got wasted
So one can never win.
With dementia, there are stages and in the beginning your are likely to see resistance and denial. Later, the patient may show no resistance, because they forget how and don't have the skills to refuse help.
I think I would go and visit with your mom for at least a day or two. Really observe how she is functioning. Is she able to remember when meals are to be prepared, where the dishes are kept, how to work the stove, etc. Is she taking her meds. You might count the pills and see if they align with the date they were filled by the pharmacy.
Find out as much about her daily life and abilities as you can. You may be surprised. Look for post it notes with lots of reminders. Look for lots of unopened mail and lots of products like 30 bottles of lotion. This information will help her doctor when she consults with him.
You might also speak with neighbors to see if they have noticed anything odd. My loved one would throw banana peels in the yard for no reason. Later she would visit neighbors and tell them she had no food, which was not true. She had no memory of this.
I would get a good picture of just what you are looking at when approaching her doctor. Even if she won't allow him to give you information, you can give her doctor information. You might offer to go with her under the pretext of wanting to get referrals for yourself. Tell her you want to check on some problems you have been having. You can actually type up a letter to hand him right before the consult. I did that and my loved one's doctor was very responsive and said it was quite helpful.
If you can determine the cause, at least you can prepare yourself for helping her.
It is not just your mom, it is everyone. We like control of our surroundings. People here have given you excellent suggestions. The little white lie works SO WELL.
Boy Jude, I am so tired today I don't think I could pass your test. He goes on Hospice tomorrow.
Have you thought that your Mom is displaying classic symptoms of depression. I know because I have bipolar disorder signified by poor concentration, lost motivation, lack of caring about household condition and personal hygiene, and cannot enjoy what once was enjoyable, low energy, irritability. Depression in seniors can have serious physical consequences
.
There is no need for someone's house to be pristine. Perhaps your estimation of what presentable is may not be the same for others. In my view, there are things we can just let go of.
I have all my daily needs set up around my armchair so I don't have to get up. That includes a was paper basket within arms reach, footstool, kleenex, lotion, nail clippers, lamp, Qtips, radio, TV remote, etc.
Depression in Elderly is something to Google and download a pdf for a number of pages of statistics, signs to look for, symptoms, and helpful strategies. I cannot give a link. Sorry.
Look for groups that can help support you and meet regularly to exchange like stories and find out wht has worked for others. You can also access seniors' outreach services.
How you can change her? you can't. "Change me, bless them" is a good prayer. You may find that a doctor telling her that would work. It may be possible to explain that making you her POA is in her best interests because if she falls ill, she would not be able to sign documents on her own.
In ten years and more of caregiving, I learned very early to accept the behavior of the missus as "logical" to her. If I can't figure out what she wants, I say, "Well, you know what a dummy I am. I am sorry, but I just don't get it. Let's try again to understand one another."
It seems almost certain that she is not going to get better, only gradually worse.
Learning to be patient, at least on the outside, is in your best interests.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
Take care my friends. Support works.
Carol
I don't have a clue as to your financial status or your mum's so please bear with me on that. If you can afford it or mores to the point if she can why don't you get her to come to you for a couple of days or to a friend's or take her away for two days while hubby looks after boys (basically anything so she is out of the house) and then get cleaners in to deep clean the whole house - carpets window woodwork the whole shebang (I might add they may do a deal if you got yours done at the same time which if you hate housework might lift a bit for you - much easier to keep a house clean than to get it clean in the first instance).
Yes it will involve some upfront work for you and hubby but not as much as is wearing you out now and you will have a fantastic end result. Then tell her that for a birthday present you have organised a lady to come and clean once a week for a month so you can see whether you like it or not.
You need to arrange a POA for her so that someone who DOES know what they are doing can do returns etc for her but there will be a cost attached so be warned up front.
I also think you are kidding yourself - this sounds more than the early stages of dementia...when Mum was in the early stages she functioned quite well not so much as time went on - you need to get her reassessed - all dementias follow different patterns for different people and no two people are alike although they are, to some extent, similar in that they all progress (Albeit at different rates for the individual)
Either that or you could visit your mum with a cleaner and you spend time with your mum while the cleaner cleans - dump it on her as a surprise or an I love you Mum present.
Finally Winnie don't be enraged by her be enrage by the disease that is dementia - it is a long and very tiring road and it is pointless getting het up about things you cannot control - Remember the first lines of the serenity prayer and trust me I am not remotely religious but I think the words are words of wisdom
God, give me grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace
Don't get hung up on stuff that you can change act to change them and ease your path and your mum's a little xxxxx
You didn't mention your mother's age or whether she has been diagnosed with dementia. Medications, underlying infections and stress are just three of the issues people can have that will cause dementia-like behavior. It would be good if your mother could have her medications reviewed and a complete physical in case there is something going on that is causing her to be more confused and perhaps less interested in keeping up her house. She could even have issues with her eyes that could explain both of the situations that you mentioned, though you did say there were others than may not relate to eyes.
The reason I mention these things is that because of much needed awareness campaigns about dementia, it's now quite easy for adult children to immediately leap to the conclusion that their parent is developing dementia when other issues that are reversible should be addressed first.
Of course, your mother could be in early stages of dementia. In that case she will worsen and eventually need more help. Windyridge has offered solid advice.
Dementia or not, it's difficult for an elder to give up independence. The more heavy handed and demanding that their own standards are kept that the adult children are the more likely the elder is to refuse intervention.
It's difficult for you, I know. I've been in your shoes - raising children, keeping up my own home, working and trying to help multiple elders. We'd like to be efficient. Get things done and get on to the next demand on our time.
But this approach - which your intro about "forcing help" indicates may be yours even though you don't mean to be heavy-handed - backfires as often as not with it comes to aging parents. Grit your teeth and do your best to be patient and understanding. It's hard but a softer approach will pay off.
Please keep in touch with us. Whether or not this is dementia, people on this forum have a wealth of experience and are wonderful about sharing strength and compassion as well as advice.
Take care,
Carol
Mom and I tackle it two ways: clean, fix, etc while he's gone, or just do it anyway. He has a fit but forgets the whole episode by the next day. And it's so very hard to not get mad at him but it's not his fault, he just is unable to reason any longer.