I haven't been sleeping very well. My mom pushed a button which calls to my phone upstairs & when I answered (kinda took me awhile to pick up-it was 2:30am) all I heard was heavy breathing. By the time I got downstairs she was not breathing, was on her back, staring upwards-I swear I will never forget this, it is branded in my brain. I called 911 & they told me to roll her on her side & push on her chest-she started gasping & then thank god 2 policemen came & gave her more oxygen(she's on oxygen 24 hours a day) Finally the paramedics came as I begged & pleaded with her to go to the hospital which she had been refusing. I feel so alone-although having 3 other siblings, but they all hate mom, except for me. After this incident I feel wierd, empty, alone, scared, etc. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose her & I don't want to find her like that again. She has congestive heart failure, out of control diabetes, sleep apnea & a whole lot of other health issues. She has yet to wear & get used to a bi-pap machine. She sleeps all the time-I'm exhausted yet this week-monday, I need to make a doc appt for her & she has occupational therapy & some other therapy, tuesday the oxygen people are coming to see about mom getting used to bi-pap machine, wednesday I have to go & get her diabetes test strips, Friday, her nurse is coming to check on her & then afterward I go shopping. How much can a person take?
Even as sick as she is, she might live another 5 or 10 years, but not forever. Or she might be gone next week. It might be better for her to be under professional care in a NH. The responsibility of keeping her alive is weighing on you. Did you feel guilty, as if you should have kept it from happening? You should realize that it is not something you can totally control. Like when one's teenager drives off for the first time! Even if he is a great, safe driver, he could still be killed by a drunk driver. NO WAY to be 100% sure that won't happen.
If she is in a NH, there will be a professional on site all the time, so she will be safer than she is at home.
What will you do when she is gone? You may not want to think about it, but most of us here will admit that we look forward to being free, at least sometimes. As much as you love her, start thinking about some of the things you could do after she is gone. Nothing will prevent the pain, but if you have a few ideas, you may not be so totally lost when she dies. God bless you.