A friend of mine has had numerous back surgeries in the past 3 years. A year or so ago I noticed she would ask me the same question 2 or 3 times in a single conversation. It has progressed to a point that now she doesn't make much sense at all. Sometimes she will call me as many as 10 or 15 times a day and the conversation is basically the same every time. She admits to forgetting things, but then says she is getting better. She sometimes says she finally retired from her job, but of course she hasn't worked since the 1st surgery. When I dispute something she says, she gets very angry and defensive. She will hang up on me and then call back and not remember we just spoke. She will sometimes go on and on about what a good friend I am and how much loves and misses me, and then send a text to another friend of ours saying I have never been a true friend, At one point, I lived about 15 minutes away from her but now I have moved and it's over an hour's drive, yet she wants me to come visit. She is married and her mother lives in the area also and neither her husband or mom know what to do to help her, so nothing is getting done, She refuses to follow any advice I or others offer. If she has a doctor's appt., she may or may not go according to her mood. She was recently in the hospital and a mass was detected in her breast. When I encourage her to have it checked out she just talks about her back pain and doesn't want to discuss anything else. If I push it, she gets angry and won't talk about it. I have been very blunt about how I feel ( I had breast cancer myself. ) I told her the back pain she can live with but if she has breast cancer it can kill her. Unfortunately, her back surgery was botched and she can barely walk and is in constant pain. She keeps insisting she just found out about the mass, but she was told well over a month ago. She is only 61 and her previous job was top secret gov. work. I really don't know what I am asking for here. I don't know if her memory issues are due to all the times she was under anesthesia, if some of her meds. are messing up her brain or what the issue is. I get annoyed that her husband hasn't done anything, but he just doesn't know what to do. She has had a MRI and EEG and both were normal.
I know this is long and only really skims the surface. I just know she needs professional help and refuses to seek it. I feel like one of my dearest friends is totally gone. I want to help her, but I am getting stressed out just dealing with her phone calls. Maybe I just needed to vent.
Confusion, behavioral changes in seniors.
May not have the usual symptoms of burning, frequency, pain, urgency, & fever.
thank you for responding to my post. It does answer some questions that I had.
I think the husbands best option at this point is to talk to the doctor, get them to agree that at this time your friend is not competent and her husband should step in and if he is not POA he should obtain Guardianship.
IF things go back to "normal" and your friend returns to her baseline cognition the Guardianship can be revoked.
If you are talking to the husband about his option and you know him well enough then suggesting that he see an Elder Care Attorney or an attorney that is well versed in Guardianships, Trusts and other such things.
But I think to be under the impression that the husband is doing nothing is a bit unfair to him.
As far as the possibility of breast cancer, if she does have a diagnosis of dementia it may be that they have chosen NOT to treat it with surgery, radiation or chemo whatever the course that would have been chosen if she did not have dementia.
I always say there are 3 sides to a story. "his, hers, and somewhere in the middle is the truth.
there is another side of this we are not aware of.
I just don't understand how she could go down hill so fast. I always thought dementia was a slow process, but it seems like she has progressed in a matter of months. As far as the breast thing goes, she has not had any diagnosis made as far as it being cancer. She just knows something is there, but refuses to acknowledge it. Her husband tells me some things, but he is afraid it will get back to her that we talked and set her off. Their marriage has been rocky for a long time and I admire him for sticking with her through this, but she keeps telling him she wants a divorce and I think he is considering it. Lord only knows what would happen to her then.
I guess my main question is " does dementia move that fast ? "
The husband needs to start stepping up to the plate and taking charge. Her choice to seek treatment is no longer valid. He needs to simply take her. (Definitive statements -- "We're going to the doctor today -- not "Shouldn't you go to the doctor to see what's going on?")
He should send the doctor an email outlining his concerns before her appointment, so he knows why they're really there.
I hope they've gotten their affairs in order (powers of attorney, wills, trust, etc) because if she has dementia, she will not be deemed competent to sign any of those things. The husband should consult a trust and estate attorney ASAP, but get her to the doctor first.
As far as her signing a POA, there is no way in hell she would ever do that. She is very headstrong and doesn't believe her mind is getting bad.
You can listen.
Do not disagree, with "her reality"
You can encourage her to take care of herself.
If she is married I am sure her husband is well aware of her health problems. I am sure he is aware when she has a doctor appointment. It is his responsibility to arrange care for her NOT yours.
There is a very good possibility that your friend has dementia of some type. And it may have been made worse by the anesthesia that she got for the surgeries.
If you have concerns that you think are not being handled by the husband you can talk to the facility Social Worker and express your concerns BUT do not expect them to give you any information if you are not listed on her HIPAA forms.
The best you can do is keep being a friend.