I wrote a question yesterday but haven't heard back yet. Last night was so bad, backlash from sending my mother to respite care for 4 days...4 DAYS. Picked her up Monday and she has done nothing but complain about having to go there, accusing me of plotting to send her to a nursing home etc. Very confrontational and full of conspiracies. I finally snapped, put her to bed last night and left the room. Got her up this morning. Gave her breakfast, got myself ready and left for work. Didn't speak a word to hear. I just can take her anymore. For more details, before anyone judges me, I can provide them if needed.
My Journey is over now as I lost My beautiful Mother to God six months ago +.
Alzheimer's is known as the silent thief as it robs the Sufferer of every thing eventually. Once My Mother had been diagnosed I knew this was Our last journey Together, and I set about making it joyful and pleasant. When I saw Mom was not enjoying day Care I suggested that She need not go any more. We used that day instead to go for a drive and have lunch out Together. Mom was never agitated or angry, but rather a joy to be with and Care for, just as My Mother Cared for Me for all those years. ONE GOLDEN RULE IN CAREGIVING IS NEVER MEET ANGER WITH ANGER, BUT WITH JOY.... It's impossible to be angry with some one Who is nice to You. One very important thing I learned for the 2years 9months that I cared for Mom was that She depended Her Life on Me, and I kept re assuring Mother that I would always be here to Care for Her, and that I would keep Her safe, and I did to the End, and this quality time that We had together gives Me the greatest joy and peace. While Mother is no longer visible to Me, I still feel She's very near.
1) depend on God n no one else. He will not fail you, not even once. I cried bitterly , sitting in the car porch once, asking the Lord why I was attacked when I was doing all the right things. His reply : because you depended on men, that's why u r disappointed.
2) after this revelation, I stopped all the shouting phone calls , years n just focus on doing what I can. Help cones from one sibling, doctors , nurses ,cab drivers etc.. I do what I can, n leave the rest to God.
2) take care of myself well, if I need time out, just go for it n don't feel guilty. Holidays ? Make arrangement n just go. I realised my well being is extremely important to be able to take care of her.
3) get POA n finances. My mum had savings so I get agreement to use it for her care
4) be a clown sometimes , do silly things with them e.g. Dancing to songs etc..it helps all when we r joyful
5) cook small meals but tasty n nutritious. My mum eats almost the whole day, in small morsels.
6) get reliable n trust worthy doctors.it really help
7) read up n understand the prescription. Questions the doctors n build a relationship with them
It was a tough 7 years ,esp towards the end. But I would hv done the same , without a doubt. She was my mum n if I don't do it with love. Who would?
God bless you all
I was mainly my parents errand person, running here and there, those 101 doctor appointments where if I saw another waiting room I was going to scream [maybe I should have, I could have spent a quiet night or two in the hospital].
My Dad was a sweetheart, very easy going, no complaints, etc. Mom on the other hand ruled the castle, had the moat draw bridge up so no outside help could come in, so they depended a lot on me. Whoa, but I was a senior citizen myself, I had my own age decline moments.
Mom was so very difficult. My parents could very easily afford caregivers, but didn't want to blow the dust off the wallet. I begged, pleaded, if they had an old fashioned fainting couch I would have used it. Raising my voice got their attention but it didn't create a win-win situation. Only frustrations, and mini break downs for me. If only I knew it was ok to set boundaries back then. Otherwise if you heard someone running in the night down the street screaming, that was me. I wanted to hide.
I'm so sorry. I can identify with your frustrations. Caring for an elderly parent full time is not easy when you are still also working full time outside of the home. I know you are trying to find the right balance. And even the most patient and understanding caregiver is overwhelmed. I know its easier said then done, but please don't let your mom's words unkind words lead you to turn away from her. Try to find some additional resources for yourself and your mom. Let your mom know you are getting tired and doing the best you can. And that you need a break. Its so important for you to have a break. And get help anyway you can.
I too lost my patience. Months before my dad passed away. I wanted to take him for hair cut but he refused. I got so angry and I was yelling at him. Telling him why don't you ever think about me? All that I'm doing for you? I felt so alone. Everything was on me, the meals, stocking up on supplies, all doctor appointments, helping with showers, maintaining the house and on it went. Now that my dad has passed, I truly regret turning my back on my dad. I stopped talking to my dad, stopped asking him questions and almost wanted give up helping him. It was my fault. I didn't realize he was dying. He was tired too. I miss him so much. So please, try to understand how scared your mom is too. I know its hard.
Take care of yourself the best you can.
Respite is necessary for your recovery, and she should be told that when she goes to respite it is temporary--and you got her home too. Medicare pays for 20 days a year of respite care which you should take advantage of. When she comes home tell her you know she is angry and felt abandoned but you needed some quiet time to regroup and she needed some time away from you as well. Reassure her you will never abandon her and that you still love her and see how she responds. I think all who care for a dementia patient have this experience at one time or another to some degree.
Right now I am under fire for "stealing" her art supplies which she agreed to give to her grandson (but doesn't recall that). She fell and broke her pelvic bones and a vertebrae in her back and spent 28 days in rehab, which resulted in 20-30 phone calls a day to the house demanding her release from "prison". She couldn't grasp that ONE DAY of exercises and doing what they asked did not complete her therapy program. She was convinced we had "slammed her in a nursing home against her will" and were not going to let her come home. She further believes that the incessant phone calls got her out. No, that wasn't it. She also refused to go to the hospital to see my father when he was ill until I arrived because my brother was tricking her and would have her slammed into a nursing home if I wasn't there. She still doesn't get that without my brother living there she WOULD be in a nursing home! I just spent a full week there (giving my brother a much needed break and dealing with financial issues) and constantly telling her how much she means to my brother and how much she needs his help. I wish the best for you and hope that you realize that you have to take care of yourself in order to take care of her!