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I wrote a question yesterday but haven't heard back yet. Last night was so bad, backlash from sending my mother to respite care for 4 days...4 DAYS. Picked her up Monday and she has done nothing but complain about having to go there, accusing me of plotting to send her to a nursing home etc. Very confrontational and full of conspiracies. I finally snapped, put her to bed last night and left the room. Got her up this morning. Gave her breakfast, got myself ready and left for work. Didn't speak a word to hear. I just can take her anymore. For more details, before anyone judges me, I can provide them if needed.

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My brother cares for our parents full time. Dad is sharp but limited physically at 82 and had a stroke 12 years ago with near full recovery. Mom was sharp at that point, but since been diagnosed with dementia and is late mid stage now. She constantly tells my brother to leave, she doesn't need him and has delusions he is being abusive. (I saw him give her a hug, when he walked away she said he just hit her and I was witness). Nope!! He gets so frustrated and hurt. I told him he now has to view her as a stranger who he is responsible for caring for and treat her accordingly but with love too. You just can not take it personally, that person who loved you is hiding deep within, the brain just can't process it. The constant state of confusion and fear is transferred to the closest person. Dad still doesn't get not to argue with her and her stories (all wrong, outlandish, or inaccurate) and go along with them EXCEPT for the abuse allegations.
Respite is necessary for your recovery, and she should be told that when she goes to respite it is temporary--and you got her home too. Medicare pays for 20 days a year of respite care which you should take advantage of. When she comes home tell her you know she is angry and felt abandoned but you needed some quiet time to regroup and she needed some time away from you as well. Reassure her you will never abandon her and that you still love her and see how she responds. I think all who care for a dementia patient have this experience at one time or another to some degree.
Right now I am under fire for "stealing" her art supplies which she agreed to give to her grandson (but doesn't recall that). She fell and broke her pelvic bones and a vertebrae in her back and spent 28 days in rehab, which resulted in 20-30 phone calls a day to the house demanding her release from "prison". She couldn't grasp that ONE DAY of exercises and doing what they asked did not complete her therapy program. She was convinced we had "slammed her in a nursing home against her will" and were not going to let her come home. She further believes that the incessant phone calls got her out. No, that wasn't it. She also refused to go to the hospital to see my father when he was ill until I arrived because my brother was tricking her and would have her slammed into a nursing home if I wasn't there. She still doesn't get that without my brother living there she WOULD be in a nursing home! I just spent a full week there (giving my brother a much needed break and dealing with financial issues) and constantly telling her how much she means to my brother and how much she needs his help. I wish the best for you and hope that you realize that you have to take care of yourself in order to take care of her!
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Yes.... I think it's our own way to cope... Better to have a peaceful state than say something we regreat... How did you find respite care?
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Hi, yes your not alone, I like to think it's better to not say anything than say something hurtful.... My dad doesn't answer me often, it drives me crazy!.... I think it's just our own mind trying to find peace somehow.... How did you find respite care? I do not Know how to get that
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Dear Logan,

I'm so sorry. I can identify with your frustrations. Caring for an elderly parent full time is not easy when you are still also working full time outside of the home. I know you are trying to find the right balance. And even the most patient and understanding caregiver is overwhelmed. I know its easier said then done, but please don't let your mom's words unkind words lead you to turn away from her. Try to find some additional resources for yourself and your mom. Let your mom know you are getting tired and doing the best you can. And that you need a break. Its so important for you to have a break. And get help anyway you can.

I too lost my patience. Months before my dad passed away. I wanted to take him for hair cut but he refused. I got so angry and I was yelling at him. Telling him why don't you ever think about me? All that I'm doing for you? I felt so alone. Everything was on me, the meals, stocking up on supplies, all doctor appointments, helping with showers, maintaining the house and on it went. Now that my dad has passed, I truly regret turning my back on my dad. I stopped talking to my dad, stopped asking him questions and almost wanted give up helping him. It was my fault. I didn't realize he was dying. He was tired too. I miss him so much. So please, try to understand how scared your mom is too. I know its hard.

Take care of yourself the best you can.
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Yes, I can relate because my late mother sugar coated EVERYTHING! I would rather hear and tell the truth so we clashed.
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It does not matter if it is the "disease" or not. Nobody deserves to be verbally abused day after day. I actually believe all of the nastiness was lurking underneath, being previously tempered by social controls. When the social controls break down due to mental disease, certain unpleasant attitudes may surface. If one needs to walk out for their own health - then they should leave, and not feel one bit guilty. Contrary to popular belief, we do not "owe" our parents anything in their old age. They chose to bring us into the world; we had no choice in the matter and do not deserve to be "punished" by them when they are elderly.
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My wife and I have her mother living with us. She has advanced dementia . We have two aids help us when we are not at home or to just give us an hour or two to decompress. over the course of the last week we have entered a new phase,fear and anger. She lashed out at one of the aids who was putting in eye drops. It all started because she wanted to set the table which we do not allow her to do. Given certain hygiene issues and her poor vision we don't want her handing things we eat off. We go through this on a daily basis and it can get frustrating to say the least. She will ask on a continuous basis what do yo want me to do and will do so until you let her do what she wants. She is aware enough to know if she continually asks we get tired of hearing it . My wife and I have been caring for her for several years with no break and now both of my parents have advanced cancers so I take care of them as well. My wife is going away in a month for four days and we have concerns about my mother in laws behavior . We may have to enter her into a respite situation as well. I don't think it is a bad thing as she would be safe and we could all have a needed break.
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You don't need to provide details. We've all been there when we know if we stayed, we would do or say something we regret. Don't let anyone judge you. You are doing the best you can in a stressful situation. My mother used to put me down and I just stood there and listened. Then I went out to the car and cried. I didn't answer her back because she was my mother and also because I knew it wouldn't do any good. Be assured, you are building treasure in heaven for what you are doing now. God bless you.
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I understand completely. I've done this. I do the basics, give mom her shower, her meals, then hire a caregiver to come in and stay with her. I've not put her in a nursing home for a temporary period, but i would like to. If i did that, she withdrawal be upset with me, but sometimes we need a real break. Don't feel bad, this is when you have to take care of yourself. ..mentally.
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Wow, these comments sound just like our situation. It's helpful to know that we're not alone. Mom can say the most hurtful things to my sister and I and it's so hard to take sometimes. I too just walk away and let her stew for a while. Sis and I have shed many a tear over the things she's said to us and yes it's hard not to take it personally. We know it's the disease, but is this really the way she thinks about us deep down? She's accused us of trying to poison her, get rid of her and so many other things, when we're doing everything we can to help her. She can be so sweet at times but when the "sundowner's" hits, it's hard to take. She's now in a rehab center and my sister says she's taking her out because Mom hates it. I know it's the best place for her, but Mom can really manipulate Sis into doing what she wants. Being a caregiver is the hardest job there is....not like taking care of a baby when you get the joy and love back from them. All you get from an older person is whining, complaining and abuse. My heart goes out to those who have to do this with no help or appreciation.
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All of you are so brave and eloquent! I stumbled where to start. However, on this cry for support, you've got mine! Just one day, one moment. You must take care of your emotional health or you'll not be there for anyone especially yourself. You are NOT alone. Look deep -- the picture is way bigger than what we see.♡♡♡
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I never would raise my voice to my parents until I started that journey of caregiving. Thank goodness I was under my own roof and my very elderly parents were under theirs. My parents seem to have forgotten I still had my career which kept me busy.

I was mainly my parents errand person, running here and there, those 101 doctor appointments where if I saw another waiting room I was going to scream [maybe I should have, I could have spent a quiet night or two in the hospital].

My Dad was a sweetheart, very easy going, no complaints, etc. Mom on the other hand ruled the castle, had the moat draw bridge up so no outside help could come in, so they depended a lot on me. Whoa, but I was a senior citizen myself, I had my own age decline moments.

Mom was so very difficult. My parents could very easily afford caregivers, but didn't want to blow the dust off the wallet. I begged, pleaded, if they had an old fashioned fainting couch I would have used it. Raising my voice got their attention but it didn't create a win-win situation. Only frustrations, and mini break downs for me. If only I knew it was ok to set boundaries back then. Otherwise if you heard someone running in the night down the street screaming, that was me. I wanted to hide.
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Just a comment about why it's the child who does the most for the parent that gets treated the worst - my mom passed away 11 months ago from a horrible progressive neurological condition called PSP.(progressive supranuclear palsy) and one day we'd had a terrible time of it, she was uncomfortable and I was exhausted, she didnt like what I'd made for supper, what was this nasty slop I was feeding her? although weeks earlier she'd enjoyed the same meal... you get the idea. Anyway after I got her washed and dressed and into bed before I turned off the light and said goodnight I asked her why she often treated me so terribly but everyone else as if they could do no wrong. She thought for a minute and said, I guess it's because I know that I can take my frustrations out on you and you'll still love me anyway. Wow. At the time I thought how unfair! But later looking back, I see a bit better from her perspective - she was dying, we both knew this, she was quickly losing the ability to do anything for herself, she was frustrated and angry and scared and like a child didnt know how to express all of this emotions properly and I was the one who was always there for her, day in and day out - she knew I would indeed never stop loving her she trusted in my pledge of unconditional love. So in a way, although it was bloody h*ll some days and even worse on others, I was the "favorite" as the one she trusted most of all.
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Hi all the beautiful people here..I took care of my mum for 10 years , the last 7 years was the toughest but with beautiful memories in between as she had a stroke n was bedridden. I was fortunate with live in help but the frustrations are similar...all but one siblings adopted hands off attitude, not even when situations n critical. This is esp heart wrenching esp when I had to travel n had to entrust her to the maid. Constant anguish for her as I felt she was not given the due care n love when she had sacrificed so much her entire life, almost single handedly brought up 8 kids.. However these are the lessons I learnt :
1) depend on God n no one else. He will not fail you, not even once. I cried bitterly , sitting in the car porch once, asking the Lord why I was attacked when I was doing all the right things. His reply : because you depended on men, that's why u r disappointed.
2) after this revelation, I stopped all the shouting phone calls , years n just focus on doing what I can. Help cones from one sibling, doctors , nurses ,cab drivers etc.. I do what I can, n leave the rest to God.
2) take care of myself well, if I need time out, just go for it n don't feel guilty. Holidays ? Make arrangement n just go. I realised my well being is extremely important to be able to take care of her.
3) get POA n finances. My mum had savings so I get agreement to use it for her care
4) be a clown sometimes , do silly things with them e.g. Dancing to songs etc..it helps all when we r joyful
5) cook small meals but tasty n nutritious. My mum eats almost the whole day, in small morsels.
6) get reliable n trust worthy doctors.it really help
7) read up n understand the prescription. Questions the doctors n build a relationship with them

It was a tough 7 years ,esp towards the end. But I would hv done the same , without a doubt. She was my mum n if I don't do it with love. Who would?
God bless you all
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I took care of my husband for about three years. I did have help during the day while I went to work. This lady assisted him with his daily needs. I took over after work at 6pm and on the week ends. I was going crazy. I got sick, high blood pressure, lost hearing on one ear, had an episode of congestive heart failure, developed atrial fibrillation, and shortly after my husband past away I had heart surgery. It is very difficult to take care of an ill person. As much as you want to be there and help your loved one, the stress takes over. There were times I wanted to run away and disappear. It's absolutely normal to feel how you feel. Take time to take care of yourself while you are doing the best you can. Remember that your loved one is not the same person you knew when they were well. Talk to a social worker or a counselor that can help you deal with your emotions. Take care.
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No one should take abuse. The best way to get someone in a nursing facility is right from the hospital. Here, if in the hospital over 3 days, the patient is sent to rehab. While in rehab they can be evaluated for skilled nursing.
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Yes,my husband says he is done with his parents. He is so sick of their stubbornness he even refuses to call them on holidays. - the back story is ridiculously frustrating . But to make it short- father refuses to get help for wife ( mom) with alz. Constant police, jail,hospital visits. He ( FIL) told my husband to butt out . They put us on a do not contact with police,Drs, and hospitals. - APS case worker told me even though she could get in trouble for it. My husband had enough.
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Thank you everyone for this thread of comments. It's been awhile since my last comment, although I visit and read comments whenever possible. I am reminded that other Caregivers have the same feelings and thoughts as I do. Lately, I've wanted to walk away and just keep going. This website often helps me to change my prospective, especially not to take my parents actions personally not matter how hurtful. Yes, it does hurt, but changing my prospective keeps me from quiting.
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I too well understand your frustration, my mother also keeps saying she will not go back to respite care. But she will, why? As a caregiver you do not have to be confrontational, or abused either. You just have to be steadfast, respite care is not for the invalid it is for the caregiver. It is what is required, it is not negotiable. The problem is the power your mother tries to use over you to get her way. like child having temper tampers, she wants all the power, especially when she feels most powerless. And like an over indulgent parent, you are falling into the trap. So it is ok if you need to step back (or out) for a short time to catch your breath, then step back in to the correct roll of caregiver. PS: respite care is very scary for a person whom is use to full control, it brings full reality that they are an invalid and no longer have control over their lives that is suddenly terrifying for many elderly.
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Logan being a 24/7 Caretaker is very tough, there's no denying that and any Person Who says other wise has not stayed the coarse. I know what it feels like to run into the kitchen and want to scream out through the window like Tarzan, but I never did. Sleep deprivation..tell Me about it.
My Journey is over now as I lost My beautiful Mother to God six months ago +.
Alzheimer's is known as the silent thief as it robs the Sufferer of every thing eventually. Once My Mother had been diagnosed I knew this was Our last journey Together, and I set about making it joyful and pleasant. When I saw Mom was not enjoying day Care I suggested that She need not go any more. We used that day instead to go for a drive and have lunch out Together. Mom was never agitated or angry, but rather a joy to be with and Care for, just as My Mother Cared for Me for all those years. ONE GOLDEN RULE IN CAREGIVING IS NEVER MEET ANGER WITH ANGER, BUT WITH JOY.... It's impossible to be angry with some one Who is nice to You. One very important thing I learned for the 2years 9months that I cared for Mom was that She depended Her Life on Me, and I kept re assuring Mother that I would always be here to Care for Her, and that I would keep Her safe, and I did to the End, and this quality time that We had together gives Me the greatest joy and peace. While Mother is no longer visible to Me, I still feel She's very near.
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Jennifer, as a paid caregiver you know that your employment will have to end some time, he will die, need a higher level of care or any of a number of other things that are beyond your control. You need to be proactive in figuring out how you will cope when that time comes, and then understand that you can use those same strategies to extricate yourself from this situation if you have to.
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I am caring for someone who is not related to me. When he's in a lot of pain, he takes it out on me. He verbally abuses me & then wonders why I can't let go of the hurt feelings. I know the pain makes him lash out, but I also think he's using it as an excuse to be mean. I can't do without the income I'm paid for caring for him, but at times it seems preferable to not have that income and not have him around. I don't get much help from anyone, even professionals. They say it's better to not have him around and not have the income. Easy for them to say. They're not going through this. Right now I'm even mad at God for not changing the situation. I know that will pass, but right now, it's how I feel. I call my one sister and vent and she's never judgemental and she doesn't give me advice unless I ask for it. Guess this is my cross to bear. I'm glad to be able to get this off my mind in a place where I feel I won't be judged to be a bad person.
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Logan, we went through it in my family. Sometimes it's their fears acting up. Sometimes it's the fact that they are losing control of their life. Their frustration and anger and fear makes them act out and they need to constantly be reassured. Empathy and compassion will continue to help you deal with your mom. But like with children, there is acceptable and unacceptable behavior. And they will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. But just as arguing does not work with kids, it does not work with older ones with dementia and/or behavioral issues. But they do understand cause and effect. Simply and calmly explain what is not acceptable and the result of doing it, such as you will leave her alone until she is in a happier mood. No need to argue. Go into another room and do something that makes you happy. And when you are happier you will be a happier caregiver which will benefit your mom. One thing I learned is that whether you do one thing or a hundred, whether you spend 5 minutes or all day with them... some will never be satisfied. So do what is necessary and more when you are physically or emotionally able. Keep her safe and secure and do your best to make her feel loved. And when you have done all that, do not feel bad if you are not able to do more.
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I don't believe anyone really wants to be a burden to their children or other caregivers, but most of us vastly overestimate our ability to take care of ourselves as, thanks to better nutrition and health care, we live far longer than our grandparents and even parents did. What haunts us all as we deal with our aging family members with dementia, is "will this happen to me?" The answer is likely yes, so please prepare and make your wishes known to your family and friends. I spent five years caring for a husband with vascular dementia, then he mercifully had a major stroke and died. I have two long term care policies and have told my children to put me in assisted living or a nursing home if I need it, and even if I object to it, because I can afford it....it may decrease their inheritance, but I think they will find that having me professionally cared for is worth the financial sacrifice. When I can no longer drive, I intend to move myself back to an independent living community with options for assisted living, memory care. (My late husband and I lived in such a facility, and it was very nice; after his death I moved out as I still drove and had other social contacts). If I develop dementia, I'm sure I will be h*ll on wheels, as I am not a particularly nice person even with all my marbles!
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Respite care is a good idea. It helps ease the frustrations of being a care giver and gives you a much deserved mental break. For those who criticize simply ignore them. When they need a break they are free to call upon a baby sitter or send their kids to summer camp. I would also consider adult day care. Search your local area. Rates are reasonable and some of the cost may be covered by insurance.
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Caring2, I have in home caregivers that come a couple hours each day (I am thankful for the great home health care insurance!!!).

My only. Is a lovely person. A joy to be around and never complains. But, still..I need time for other things too. Waiting on someone continuiously is not good. No matter how lovely.

I know how lucky I am. I've been in the other situation....so, I really do know
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I know that I would not be able to be with my parents 24/7 because it would be too much for me mentally. So I have set boundaries and care for them at a distance, organizing their meals, going with my Mom to all her medical appointments etc. My father's negativity drives me crazy but I have learned to keep calm and carry on. He refuses to see my mother's physical decline and only sees her mental decline. I had a long conversation about this by phone this morning. He didn't like what I said but that is too bad. I just hope he has something to think about and realize how blessed he is. He has no reason for being negative and I still pray this changes.
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I think sometimes we as caregivers are stretched to the limits. When I'm exhausted sometimes the little things can set me off, like how I didn't make her bed right, or then she cries about how she wishes she could do things, and repeats herself over and over tell her I have a migraine and have to lie down and will talk to her later. Caregiving is taking a toll of my health and I need an escape.
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AmyGrace, I completely get this "it's really upsetting even when you know intellectually they can't help it". I think about that all of the time.
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Yes, my sister and I both walked out of Mom's apartment when she got too argumentative and complained about the same thing over and over and wouldn't stop. Looking back now, I realize it was all part of her frustration with being old, the dementia and a lifelong negative personality. With dementia she no longer had any control of her behavior.
If we asked her to stop and she persisted on and on, rather than stay and get in an argument and end up with stomach cramps and elevated BP, we would tell her, either stop or I leave. Sometimes she stopped, and sometimes she didn't.

She especially took it out on my sister. Before her dementia got really bad (and she could relate time to an upcoming visit) she would plan it so when sis opened the door she was sitting with a long mournful face and a stream of complaints (half of which changed or were denied or forgotten five minutes later) Its really upsetting even when you know intellectually they can't help it.

I only walked out a few times in the last years of her life, but then I felt guilty. I had to keep reminding myself that ten minutes after I left, she had probably forgotten I had even been there.
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